No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday (19 page)

‘I rang my mum earlier,’ he announced.

‘Oh,’ said Alison.

‘And guess what?’

‘She won five pounds at the bingo?’

‘No. Actually the bingo is closed for refurbishment.’

‘Oh dear. What on earth is she finding to do with her time?’

‘Well, funny you should say that,’ he continued. ‘She’s offered to babysit for us on Friday night. Isn’t that brilliant? And I’ve managed to get us a table at Grants. They’d literally just had a cancellation. I couldn’t believe it. I was all ready to beg the maître d’, tell him it’s your favourite restaurant and it’s our first night out since our twins were born, but luckily I didn’t have to. I did ask him if he’d sit us on the upper level, though. I know how you hate being near the toilets downstairs. And I checked that they still have calamari on the menu because I know that’s your favourite dish. Also, I thought we might go on to the wine bar if you’re not too tired. It’ll be fun, won’t it, to go out just the two of us and . . .’

He trailed off. He was aware that he was waffling, attempting to cram in as many reasons as possible for Alison to be unable to refuse an evening out with him. But he was forced to stop as she slowly and deliberately raised her hand to indicate he should halt.

‘If you think I’m leaving Rebecca and George in the care of your mother you must be insane.’

Matthew slumped. He’d suspected it was his mother who might be the weak link in his plan. Alison’s and his mother’s parenting styles were as far apart as they could be. Brenda had brought Smarties for the twins last time she’d visited, despite the fact they weren’t on solids yet.

‘They’ll keep, love,’ she said when Alison pointed out how inappropriate it was for babies to eat chocolate. ‘Little Matthew loved Smarties, didn’t you?’ she added, squeezing his cheek.

‘I think Alison is very keen to encourage healthy eating when they do start having proper food,’ Matthew replied. His mum stared back at him as though she didn’t recognise her own son.

‘Smarties never did you any harm, lad,’ his dad said, roaring with laughter, knowing exactly how to wind Alison up.

‘Only because he’s on a well-balanced diet now,’ Alison replied before putting the Smarties in the cupboard kept for unwanted gifts that could be offered as raffle prizes.

Alison had resumed eating, confident in the knowledge that the argument for a night out was closed.

He needed to win this one. He needed a relationship with his wife. He needed to sit and talk to her on neutral territory, not here in the home, which was now the domain of her and the babies. Sometimes he felt like some kind of lodger who rented a room to help pay the mortgage. Maybe that’s what he was now to this family. The guy who stayed with them and paid the mortgage. It wasn’t fair. He was going to win this one, whether Alison liked it or not. He must play her at her own game.

‘The restaurant is booked for eight, meaning Mum can arrive at seven-thirty, after the twins are in bed asleep. The meal will take approximately ninety minutes, during which time the babies will be asleep, but in the unlikely event they wake we can walk from the restaurant to here in ten minutes. I timed it. I will brief my mother to call the instant either child wakes up, threatening her with an exclusion order should she fail to do this. If there have been no calls by nine-thirty when we leave the restaurant, we can call home to check all is well, then move to the wine bar on the corner for an after-dinner drink. We can be home by ten-thirty if you wish and Rebecca and George will be none the wiser.’

Alison had stopped eating, her knife hovering over the crest of her potato. Matthew stared back at her in what he hoped was a confident manner. He had thought of everything, he was totally in control. He’d sewn it up tighter
than one of his client’s tax relief spreadsheets. There was nothing Alison could say to argue that they couldn’t go out.

‘But I’ve got nothing to wear,’ she protested.

Matthew felt his shoulders slump with relief. Permission to go out with his wife on Friday night successfully acquired.

Chapter Nineteen

Katy had been desperate to get home early that Friday night.
I must leave work at five on the dot
, she kept telling herself all day. If she left at five she could be home by five-thirty, leaving her plenty of time to spring her surprise ‘date night’ on Ben. Under Daniel’s advice she’d kept her plan a secret, but she wasn’t convinced this was the right strategy for Ben. She’d expressed her concern during a lunchtime dash to the chemist’s with Daniel to buy all the necessary equipment for a transformation from working mother to something that Ben might just want to rub up to.

‘You have to show him you can be spontaneous,’ Daniel had encouraged, ‘that you can go out on a Friday night just like you used to. As grown-ups, untethered by a poo- and sick-making machine. He’ll love it.’

‘But what if he wants to stay in? What if he doesn’t fancy a cocktail bar? What if he wants to do something different?’

‘I would like to refer back to our conversation earlier this week. The facts that you laid before me were as follows. Ben has been acting strangely and, even more worrying – secretly. You believe it is possible that there is another woman involved. And finally, and the most damning evidence of all, is the fact that you and Ben have not had sex in a very long time.’

‘Condoms!’ she shrieked suddenly, making the woman steering a pushchair down the aisle in front of them look behind her in alarm. Katy looked away, feeling her cheeks go hot. ‘I
need
to buy condoms,’ she whispered to Daniel. ‘I didn’t bother going back on the pill after I had Millie because . . . because . . . well, you can guess.’

‘There’s no point going on the pill if you’re not actually having sex,’ said Daniel loudly enough to make the woman with the pushchair blush too.

‘Come with me,’ urged Katy.

‘What for?’ Daniel exclaimed.

‘Pleeeease,’ Katy begged. ‘I haven’t bought any for ages and there’s so much choice these days I’ll buy the wrong ones, I know I will. I’ll get home and discover I’ve bought the ones labelled
petite
or something. Can you imagine?’

‘No,’ said Daniel firmly.

‘I could ruin it before we’ve even started. You have to help me choose.’

‘Are you for real?’ said Daniel in a high-pitched voice. ‘You want me to help you buy condoms for Ben?’

The lady with the pushchair scuttled off.

‘Come on,’ said Katy, grabbing his hand. ‘They’re just down this aisle.’

They approached the display and both went silent for a moment, considering the options.

‘They really need to reconsider their branding,’ said Daniel, shaking his head.

‘Just what I was thinking,’ Katy agreed.

‘Thin feel,’ said Daniel, ‘is not a term that should ever be in the vicinity of a product associated with penises.’

‘And have you seen the colours they’ve used on that range?’ added Katy. ‘Exactly the same as for Calpol. You really don’t want to be confusing condoms with baby medicine, now do you?’

‘Mmmmm,’ Daniel nodded. ‘It’s just shockingly poor design work if you ask me.’

‘Shall I just get the bog standard ones?’ Katy said, after they’d both fallen into silence again for a few seconds.

‘Probably safest,’ sighed Daniel. ‘You’re right. It’s really hard to make sense of all that lot.’

‘The Essentials range?’ she asked. ‘Are they just the normal ones, do you think?’

‘Or does that mean the cheap range?’ asked Daniel.

‘Oh,’ said Katy, putting the box back on the shelf. ‘I don’t want cheap ones. I want quality, not cheap.’

‘Well, I think you’re going to have to choose between Excite Me or Tickle Me, then.’

‘But what about Ben? It’s not just for my benefit. I want him to enjoy it too.’

‘I think you’re meant to assume that’s a given. He is a man, after all.’

‘Right,’ shrugged Katy. ‘So Excite Me, then, do you think?’

‘How should I know? It’s you doing it. Do you want to be excited or tickled?’

‘I don’t care. I just want to have
sex,’
hissed Katy, so that two men in suits in the next aisle turned to look at them.

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Daniel, putting two boxes into her basket. ‘Let’s be optimistic, shall we, and have one of each.’

‘I can’t walk around the shop with two boxes of condoms in my basket,’ she protested. ‘Everyone will think I’m a slapper.’

‘Well, you’ll be the first slapper not to have had sex in months, then, won’t you? Now go and pay. You’re giving me a headache.’

Katy’s afternoon went dramatically downhill when she returned to the office after lunch. What should have been a routine planning meeting went totally tits up when she uncovered that Freddie, her stand-in, hadn’t filled out the timesheets correctly. She’d had to retrace his steps on all the projects he’d handled to try and work out how much they should be billing their clients.

To top it all the rain had come to dampen the spirits as well as bring Leeds to a virtual standstill. It wasn’t until six-thirty that Katy stood at her front door painting on a forced smile and preparing to apologise for her lateness yet again. She only hoped that the surprise night out would be enough to secure Ben’s forgiveness and by some miracle they would get Millie to sleep by eight-thirty before Daniel arrived to babysit.

‘Hiya,’ she shouted as she heaved the door open, carefully hiding the unsexy bag of shaving implements and contraception underneath her coat in the hall, to be retrieved later. There was no response.
Strange
, she thought. The pushchair was there so they must be in. She listened. Normally there would be the TV on or at the very least the radio, but all was quiet and an unusual sense of calm prevailed. She walked down the hall, aiming at the living room, but was run off course by a noise coming from the bathroom.

‘Hello?’ she shouted again.

‘We’re having a bath,’ came Ben’s response.
Unusually early
, thought Katy. She carried on, kicking her shoes off, and pushed the door to the bathroom open. The room was gloomy as only the light above the mirror was on. Ben was leaning over the bath supporting Millie in the water.

‘Has the bulb gone again?’ asked Katy.

‘No,’ replied Ben, not looking up. ‘I’m just trying something. Keeping it dark so she might be ready to go to bed earlier.’

‘Oh,’ said Katy. ‘Right.’ She didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t expected to come home to Ben dreaming up new childcare methods.

‘Worth a try, I suppose,’ she said in what she hoped was an encouraging manner. ‘Sorry I’m late again. Do you want me to take over?’ She leaned over his shoulder to smile at Millie.

‘Er, if you don’t mind I’ll do it,’ he said, looking a bit awkward.

‘Oh,’ she said, taken aback. She really wanted to put Millie to bed so she could make sure she was asleep by eight-thirty.

‘Yeah,’ he continued. ‘I’m, er, trying to get her into a new routine. I woke her up early this afternoon so she could have her food early, and then I’ve been keeping her awake so she’s tired now, see. She’s got a bit of milk left to have in her room, then I want to get her to bed by seven.’

Katy’s mouth was hanging open. It was all she could do to stop herself bursting out laughing. Had she entered a parallel universe? Ben was talking about routines and Millie in bed by seven. She’d heard of babies that did that but she was convinced that Millie wasn’t one of them. Still, she couldn’t blame Ben for trying.

‘Okay,’ she said, nodding. ‘Of course, if that’s what you think, that’s brilliant, because guess what?’

‘Shhhh,’ he said as Katy’s excitement at the prospect of a night out spilled into an increase in volume. ‘We’re trying to be calm and quiet.’

‘Okay,’ whispered Katy, suddenly wanting to giggle at the seriousness of his face. ‘I was just going to tell you that we have a babysitter and I have planned us a brilliant night out.’ She gave him a massive grin.

‘Tonight?’ he asked, a look of concern crossing his face.

‘Yes,’ she hissed, nodding vigorously.

His face fell and he looked disappointed. Not the reaction that Katy was expecting.

‘I’ve said I’m going to the pub with Braindead. He’s coming round at eight.’

‘But you never said,’ said Katy, feeling utterly crushed.

‘You didn’t say either,’ he replied.

‘But . . . I’ve got a babysitter,’ she continued.

‘Can’t they come another night?’

Oh my God
, thought Katy.
Ben would rather have a night out with Braindead than with me
.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I’ve got it all planned. I thought . . . I thought we needed to spend some time together, you know, as a couple.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ said Ben. ‘Braindead’s all excited about it. We’re going to a microbrewery. He says the beer is to die for. That’s it!’ he said, suddenly looking back up at Katy. ‘That’s what we’ll do. Why don’t you come with me and Braindead to the pub? It’ll be just like old times. Braindead won’t mind. He was only saying the other night that he misses you coming to the pub with us.’

Katy felt like crying. She didn’t want to be in a pub with Braindead on her first night out in months with Ben. It wasn’t like old times when she didn’t mind spending time with Ben’s mates because her possibilities for nights out were infinite. Nights out were like gold now, and couldn’t be treated casually. She wanted – no, she needed a night out with Ben on her own, where they could be themselves again. Act like teenagers, get a bit tipsy, snog in public without caring, and then consummate the evening somewhere – preferably in the comfort of their own bed.

‘Normally,’ she said carefully, ‘I would love to spend the night with Braindead, but we haven’t been out together in months. Couldn’t you go out with him another night and just the two of us go out tonight?’ She paused. ‘Please,’ she added as he turned to look at her. He appeared to think for a moment then he nodded, giving her a small smile.

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘You’re right. But you need to call Braindead and let him down. He won’t swear as much at you as he would at me.’

‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Of course. I’ll blame it all on me.’