No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday (25 page)

Having dressed Millie in a pink outfit, as Ben seemed to be avoiding handling any pink clothing, she took her into the living room to lay her on a
blanket with some toys. She nearly dropped Millie when she discovered a large, barely moving object lying on the sofa, which on closer inspection turned out to be a fully clothed Ben, sound asleep. His drool had created a dark wet stain on the cushion and there was an indecipherable smell that required the immediate opening of windows despite the sub-zero temperatures.

Katy pulled the curtains open roughly and let in fresh air. She picked up the remote control from the floor and pressed some buttons, eventually settling on
Peppa Pig
in order to cause maximum irritation. She glanced back at Ben, who hadn’t moved, then pressed another button, which increased the volume to beyond staying asleep or even pretending to stay asleep level.

The big lump heaved and sighed before it turned over awkwardly. Ben blinked his eyes open to see Katy sitting on the floor next to Millie kicking on a play mat.

Neither of them said anything as the sound of humans pretending to be animals behaving like humans filled the awkward space between them.

‘Why is kids’ telly so sexist?’ Ben muttered eventually after Peppa Pig had jumped in another muddy puddle. ‘We are not letting Millie watch this when she’s older and can understand what’s going on here.’

‘I think you’re reading too much into it,’ said Katy, staring at Millie, not knowing how to communicate how mad she was that he’d given her a scare by sleeping on the sofa and how sorry she was for what she’d said the night before.

‘I’m not,’ said Ben. ‘Daddy Pig is an idiot, hasn’t got a bloody clue, and yet Mummy Pig is so wise and brilliant.’

‘Well, it’s just one show,’ replied Katy with a shrug of the shoulders.

‘Dipsy,’ said Ben.

‘What?’

‘I take offence at a male Teletubby being called Dipsy. And he’s actually named after a Dipstick. Just wrong and rude.’

‘How do you know he’s named after a dipstick?’

‘Wikipedia.’

‘Oh.’ She stared back down at Millie.
Where the fuck have you been?
she wanted to scream at him.
Why did you stay out so late? Who were you with?

Another whole episode of
Peppa Pig
passed by in silence until they reached plastic toy advertising hell, and Katy was forced to speak. She looked up to see that Ben had closed his eyes again.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. He didn’t move. ‘I’m sorry about what I said last night, it all came out wrong. I didn’t mean it to sound like that.’ He moved, emitting a tiny snore. Katy groaned in frustration. She was trying to apologise and he was fast asleep, and he hadn’t even told her where he’d been. Just moaned about gender inequality in children’s animation. She reached over and threw a cushion at him.

‘Whassup?’ he said, opening his eyes with a start, then batting the cushion away.

‘I need to know where you were,’ she said. ‘I was worried.’

Ben blinked back at her wordlessly. Either he was trying to remember where he’d been, or he was trying to think of where he was going to tell her he’d been.

‘I didn’t want to wake you when I came in,’ he muttered eventually. ‘We ended up in the Pink Coconut.’ He heaved himself up, rubbing his eyes.

‘Oh,’ she said. That was weird. Ben hated the Pink Coconut.

‘See anyone?’ she asked, as casually as she could muster.

His palms stopped mid-rub, hiding his eyes completely for a moment, then he gripped the edge of the sofa and hoisted himself up.

‘Not really,’ he said.

‘I’m so sorry about what I said last night,’ she blurted out, unable to let him leave the room with everything hanging over them. ‘It came out all wrong. It’s just . . . it’s just been such an odd time with us swapping like this, getting used to different roles. I think the guilt of leaving Millie has just made me a bit paranoid, that’s all. I’m so sorry. It was a stupid thing to say. I know you’d never do anything behind my back. Please forgive me.’

She wished he’d look at her, but he was just staring into space and she had no idea what he was thinking.

‘Ben,’ she said miserably. ‘I really am sorry.’

He scratched his head and looked down at her.

‘Let’s just forget about last night,’ he said.

‘Okay,’ she whispered, feeling relief sweep over her.

He dropped to his knees and knelt down next to Millie, bending forward to give her a kiss. He raised his head and gave Katy a peck on the cheek.

‘I think I need a shower,’ he said, with a small smile. He hauled himself up and went out of the room, leaving Katy in shock at the sight of bright orange lipstick marks all over his left ear.

Chapter Twenty-Six

‘What exactly are we doing here?’ asked Daniel, as he sat down next to Katy on a damp wooden bench later that afternoon.

‘I needed to get out,’ she muttered, blowing on her hands. ‘Thought I’d bring Millie here to see the excitement to come in a few months’ time when she’s ready for swings and slides.’

Daniel gazed around the soggy playground. What he saw was immensely depressing and not remotely aesthetically pleasing.

‘What are these morons doing?’ he asked, nodding his head towards a dad who was challenging the laws of physics by seating himself opposite a very young child on a see-saw. The child was dangling at the top, unable to descend, whilst the father desperately tried to fling himself up from the ground. On the other side of the playground a woman sat at the top of a slide with a toddler on her knee, clearly struggling to get her ample bottom to force itself down the slide.

‘Being parents,’ said Katy.

‘So being a parent generally involves sitting in uncomfortable, awkward positions?’ asked Daniel, adjusting his coat under his bottom.

Katy cocked her head on one side and thought for a minute.

‘Basically, yes, she replied. ‘You seem to spend a lot of time sitting on the floor, or in little kid chairs that aren’t meant for adults, or on play equipment also not meant for adults. As a rule, parents are uncomfortable most of the time.’

Daniel tutted. ‘I genuinely have no idea why we have the growing population problems we have.’

‘He came home last night with lipstick on his ear,’ Katy blurted out.

Daniel didn’t reply.

‘Did you hear me?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ he nodded. ‘I’m just trying to process the implications of lipstick on an ear.’

‘I think you’ll find the implications are that someone had their lips on my fiancé’s ear.’

‘I know,’ said Daniel slowly. ‘I’m just trying to work out what that means.’

‘It means that he’s a lying hypocrite.’

‘Not necessarily,’ replied Daniel, turning to face her. ‘You just saw lipstick on the ear, you say. Were there lipstick marks near any of his other organs?’

Katy stared back for a moment, incredulous.

‘If you mean his you-know-what, then I have no idea, since I can’t say I’ve had the opportunity to inspect that particular area, but now you’ve mentioned it, I can’t get the image out of my mind.’

‘All I’m saying is that lipstick downstairs would be conclusive, but lipstick on the ear, well, I’m not sure that’s enough evidence to go throwing further accusations around. Any chance you can do a further inspection?’

‘No!’ she exclaimed.

‘Would you like me to?’

‘No! You’re not really helping.’

‘Sorry. Let’s start again. Did you ask him where he’d been after he left you?

‘He said he ended up in the Pink Coconut with Braindead. He hates the Pink Coconut.’

‘Mmmm, I see,’ said Daniel, nodding wisely. ‘With Braindead. Right, we’ll soon have this sorted. Have you got Braindead’s number with you?’

Katy read out the number off her phone whilst Daniel tapped it into his. He held it up to his ear and waited patiently for Braindead to answer.

‘Hey, it’s Daniel here,’ he said eventually. ‘Yes, gay Daniel,’ he sighed, raising his eyebrows at Katy. ‘I was just calling as I hear you ended up in a nightclub with Ben last night and I wanted to find out if you’d had any luck with the ladies. It sounds like just the sort of place where you might be successful.’

Daniel paused, listening intently.

‘You met someone? But that’s fantastic, Braindead.’

Daniel gripped Katy’s hand reassuringly as he listened to Braindead. ‘Snogging Ben! Are you sure?’

‘What?’ said Katy, leaping up.
‘What?
’ she screamed.

‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daniel, waving her down. ‘Of course I won’t tell Katy, Braindead. I’m very surprised at Ben.’

‘Abby!’ Katy exclaimed suddenly, her eyes bulging. ‘It’s that bitch Abby.’

‘It wasn’t Abby, by any chance, was it, Braindead?’ Daniel enquired.

‘It was. Oh, just a lucky guess. I hear a lot of Abbys go to the Pink Coconut. So what did you do?’

Daniel nodded at the phone as Katy paced in front of the bench.

‘I see. Well, if I see him I’ll pass the message on that he owes you fifty quid for drinks. I’d better go now. Okay. See you. Bye.’

‘He kissed that slapper!’ Katy exclaimed. ‘I might have known. She was all over him right in front of me at the registry office, so goodness only knows what she would have been like with me out of the picture. Bloody hell!’ she shouted, getting up and kicking the roundabout, causing the two other parents to look over at her in disgust. ‘What am I going to do?’

‘Describe Abby to me,’ Daniel ordered.

‘Er, I don’t know, young.’

‘How young?’

‘Maybe twenty. Why? Do you think that’s it? I’m old and decrepit and a bit saggy because of the baby. He doesn’t fancy me any more, does he? He wanted something younger, firmer, bouncier.’

‘Probably,’ replied Daniel, nodding.

‘Really? Is that what you think?’

‘Well, it sounds good to me.’

‘He’s doing it to get back at me, isn’t he?’ Katy gasped. ‘For sleeping with Matthew. He’s had a one-night stand because I did. It’s all my fault,’ she wailed, putting her head in her hands. ‘I knew it was too good to be true, him forgiving me.’

‘He did forgive you,’ said Daniel. ‘He asked you to marry him.’

‘Yeah, well, we’re not married yet, are we? We haven’t even set a date.’

‘And why is that exactly?’

‘You try planning a wedding when you’ve got a baby in the house.’

‘Really? Is that all that’s stopping you?’

‘And we can’t afford it, and I’m back working full-time and my fiancé might be having an affair, for goodness’ sake.’

Daniel shook his head and took her hands in his.

‘It just doesn’t make sense,’ he said gently. ‘Look, I know it’s painful to remember the mess you got yourself into before Millie arrived, but when it comes to Ben you have to remember this. He came back for you. He found out the truth and yet he still came back for you and proposed. He’s overcome a lot to be with you and I really don’t think he’d throw that all away for the sake of a twenty-year-old who wears questionable lipstick. Do you?’

Katy looked away and bit her lip.

‘Do you want to believe he’s having an affair?’ Daniel asked. ‘Would it help get rid of some of this guilt you’re carrying around with you because you cheated on him?’

Katy could feel the tears pushing their way to the surface. Perhaps Daniel was right. Perhaps she wouldn’t hate herself so much if Ben cocked up too. Was she just looking for him to fail?

‘Ben has totally put his faith in you,’ said Daniel, wiping a tear away from her cheek. ‘Maybe you need to do the same.’

Chapter Twenty-Seven

For the second time in twenty-four hours, Ben dug his hands deep in his pockets and braced himself against the biting Leeds wind. He was late, so he was walking fast. He was also worried that someone he knew might see them together, but he figured he didn’t have a choice. He had to see Alison today and dig himself out of the situation he’d got himself in. Even if it did mean meeting her in broad daylight in the middle of Roundhay Park on a Saturday afternoon amongst all the other parents of young children, desperate to get out of the house. Katy had headed off with Millie to do some shopping in town, so at least he hadn’t had to lie to her as to where he was going. He was done with lies and he needed to see Alison to put a halt to this one.

He spotted her before she saw him, perched neatly on a painted green bench, double buggy parked at a perfect right angle next to her. She’d insisted they meet at three p.m. sharp so that she could walk there and Rebecca and George could enjoy some fresh air. Matthew would be down at the driving range, so he would be none the wiser. Ben saw her glancing at her watch so he picked up speed, knowing she would be getting frustrated at his slight delay.

‘I don’t think we should see each other any more,’ he announced, plonking himself next to her on the bench, hands still stuffed deep in his pockets.

Alison’s perfectly made up face furrowed as she turned to look at him.

‘You’re late,’ she said.

‘I know. I’m sorry. We can’t carry on doing this.’

‘Why not?’

‘I can’t lie to Katy any more,’ said Ben. ‘It’s all getting out of hand. She thinks I’m having an affair because I’m acting all weird.’

‘An affair!’ exclaimed Alison. She looked around nervously in case anybody had overheard her. ‘With me?’ she hissed.

‘No, of course not. She doesn’t know about you, does she? She doesn’t know who with. She’s just suspicious because of all the sneaking around.’

‘Oh,’ said Alison, with a confused expression.. ‘So just tell her – you’re not having an affair, you’re just coming to see me.’

‘No,’ said Ben quickly.

‘But why not?’

He stared back at her blankly. What could he tell her? Certainly not that if he told Katy, they definitely wouldn’t be seeing each other again.

‘She’d be jealous,’ he lied.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, looking away. ‘Keeps me on a short leash, does Katy.’

‘But jealous of me . . . with you?’

‘Oh yeah,’ Ben nodded. He pretended to watch a couple of lads kicking a ball about on a lawn in front of them. ‘Anyone, really. Must be the age gap thing.’

‘But we’re nowhere near finished,’ Alison protested. ‘There’s still so much I need to tell you. Millie’s not in a reliable sleep pattern yet, and I know you think you’re handling it really well, but what happens when she has a blip? When she’s getting more teeth, for example, and waking up four or five times a night and you’re so tired that you don’t know which way is up – what will you do then? Ask Katy what to do? Will she know what to do with a constantly crying, teething baby?’