Noah (25 page)

Noah,

Every time I eat ice cream I think of you. I always
have and always will. Doesn't matter if I'm eating it out at a
restaurant or from a carton at home. Ice cream will always be our
thing.

I love you

~Skye

Noah,

When I was seventeen
,
you came home for a few days
over the summer and we went kayaking out on Lake Superior. It was
something we've done ever since we were kids, but that day the
water was rough and my kayak ended up tipping over and I was
submerged in the cold, deep lake. I was always taught not to panic
in situations like that, but I couldn't help it and was panicking
under the water. Then, like the angel you are, you rescued me and
got me out of the water and back in my
k
ayak, and pulled me the twenty
minutes back to shore. It wasn't until we were back on dry land in
my parents' house that you started panicking and telling me how
scared you were that I was going to die. It was then that I knew
you loved me, too. Granted, I didn't think you were in love with
me, but I knew you loved me in your own way. I don't know if you've
reflected on moments of your life with me and dissected them the
way I do, but I want you to know that every moment since I was
fourteen, and especially that day on the lake, I was madly in love
with you.

I still love you.

~Skye

Noah,

I've had to skip Bootylicious on my playlist because
listening to it has been too hard since we stopped talking. I never
got to ask you but I'm wondering it now. After having your hands
all over my ass each time we had sex, do you still think my butt is
too tiny? I can do squats and get it bigger if you want.

I love you.

~Skye

P.S. Please don't ask me to make it bigger. Over the
next several decades it will get bigger naturally as my metabolism
slows down and I start popping out kids.

Noah,

Caleb was the biggest mistake and regret of my
life, but in a way I'm glad it happened. I know that sounds
twisted
,
given
I
’
ve been in love with you this entire time, but I
was a child when I started dating him. I was weak and I think if we
started dating then I would have screwed everything up with my
unrealistic views on what a relationship with you would be like. I
think I needed a Caleb so that when we've been together long enough
(
m
aybe married fifteen years with a kid or two)
and we have that huge fight that would break any regular marriage
apart, I'll be able to still appreciate how lucky I am to be with
you instead of the millions of Calebs in the world, because the
truth is every other guy on the planet is a Caleb compared to you.
You're my only Noah. You're the only man for me, so as screwed up
as it sounds I think I was meant to be with Caleb so that I could
truly appreciate you. I only regret what happened after I had you.
I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you, or make a
mistake like that again. I just hope you give me a chance to prove
it.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

I love everything about you, on the inside and out.
You're the kindest and sweetest man I've ever met. You're also
unbelievably sexy and I really love your beard. I've always loved
it, but truly got to appreciate it when you went down on me.

Oh...wow. Don't ever shave it.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

The week after I broke off the engagement to Caleb
and you left me at Kendall's, I watched Alice in Wonderland over
and over again on repeat. Kendall was so worried about me that she
almost called my mom to have her fly
out here
. If it
wasn
’
t for that threat I'd probably still be watching
that movie. I watched it because I needed the reminder. I needed
the Very Merry Unbirthday song because I knew I would no longer be
getting unbirthday kisses from you.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

When you left Michigan to travel the world I was
heartbroken. I felt gutted and your phone calls over the next few
years and short visits home were the only time the pain went away
completely. Sure
,
it dulled over time when you were gone, but it
was still there. It wasn
’
t until we moved to the apartment
across the hall from you that the pain finally went away. I could
never admit that before. Probably because we weren
’
t on the best terms
at that point, but I want you to know.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

Do you remember when Gretchen Lisle broke your movie
date the first Christmas break you came home to visit? I have to
confess something. She broke it off because of me. I told her you
caught Chlamydia from a Russian prostitute you slept with while in
Amsterdam. I know it was wrong to lie to her, but I was jealous. It
was your first trip back home and I was in love with you and mad
you weren't planning to spend all your time with me. I acted
childish and since I want to be honest with you I'm telling you.
Sorry I screwed up your chance of getting laid that night. If it's
any consolation I don't think you would have gotten far with her. I
heard she's a lesbian. Hope you forgive me.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

This is another note about honesty since I'm laying
it all out right now. I hate Star Wars. I don't understand why
people love it. The graphics are horrible and the story line sucks.
I get confused with the order of the movies, and each one is too
damn long. I'll take Twilight over Star Wars any day. I only
pretended to like Star Wars and watched it with you over and over
again because you were my friend and I loved you.

I still love you and will still watch it over and
over again if you want me to.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

I was devastated the morning I woke up in your bed
alone. I thought you viewed what we shared as just sex. If I could
change anything I would have stayed. I wish I'd had the courage to
stay and confront you. If I would have done that I would have
realized I jumped to all the wrong conclusions and maybe, just
maybe, we'd be together right now instead of you doubting my love
for you. It's always been you, Noah. I'm not scared anymore.

I love you.

~Skye

Noah,

The first time I knew I loved you I was fourteen. It
was after we ate ice cream and you stopped to get a bag of
Hershey's Kisses. That was the first day you gave me a chocolate
kiss and wished me a happy unbirthday. You told me I was special,
but what I never got to tell you was how those kisses didn't tell
me I was special. They showed me how special you truly are. I don't
deserve someone as amazing as you, Noah. I never will, but I hope
you'll take me anyway, faults and all.

I love you. I've always loved you. I was scared with
Caleb and because of my fear I ruined the best thing that ever
happened to me–you. I'll never compromise that again.

I'm going to screw up–people do that. I'm not
perfect and I've never claimed to be. Most of the time I'm so
unsure of what to do that I live in a state of paralyzed anxiety.
In my life of uncertainties I'm only certain about one thing. I'm
certain about you.

You're the only man I want. You're the only man I
want to be with. You're the man I want to love, and cherish, and
fight with, and make up with for the rest of my life. So if you
feel the same way, if you want all the things I want, just let me
know. I'm here...waiting, and hoping you feel the same way I feel
about you because my heart is not complete, my life is not complete
without you in it.

I love you.

~Skye

I've written him fourteen notes, and in those two
weeks of dropping off notes and leaving them discreetly in his
apartment, his office, the bar, and his car, I haven
’
t heard from him at all.

Chapter
Fifteen

I thought I was depressed before, but waking up every
morning after I started leaving Noah notes and feeling the way I do
brings a whole new meaning to the word.

I haven't heard from Noah. I've gone
past
his work, lingered outside his
apartment building, and even resorted to calling Kendall a few
times while she was working in his office to see if she had seen
him. My thought process was slightly on the stalker side, but I
hoped she ha
d
talked to
him. Every time it was the same thing–Noah was nowhere to be found
and Kendall hasn't seen him.

I quit my job at the coffee house and walked my last
dog this morning. I'm so broke but Kendall has been so amazing
about it. While I vow to continue sending notes to Noah until he at
least talks to me and tells me it's over in person, I also need a
break from New York City. I lost myself in this city somehow, and
the only way to find myself again is to be reminded of where I come
from. I need to be back home for a while.

I thought about going on vacation to somewhere
tropical and sunny, but right now the sun seems too bright for me.
I don't want to be surrounded by
new things
right now. I want to be surrounded by
familiarity. I want to be surrounded by the people and places that
remind me of Noah and the person I used to be when I was with
him.

I've arranged for Kendall to drop off more notes and
kisses to Noah every day while I'm gone. I don't want him to stop
receiving them. Even if there is no chance for the two of us to be
together, he still deserves to know how amazing he is, how sorry I
am, and that I want the best for him.

After packing
,
Kendall drives me to the airport and I fly home to
Michigan to be with my parents. My mom picks me up from the airport
in her
Subaru
wagon and we drive home. I stare off out in
the distance and watch the gorgeous trees, green grass, and beauty
that comes with Michigan summers pass me by.

It's magical here and when I come back and visit it's
like I can forget the rest of the world exists.

Once I'm back in my old childhood home and unpacked,
I spend the first evening catching up with my parents. They ask all
the expected questions about the broken engagement and Caleb. They
ask if I'm going to stay in New York and what my plans are next,
and then they ask about Noah. I avoid that question altogether and
change subjects,
and
asking my dad when his next fishing trip is
instead
.

We end the night early and I sleep in my old twin bed
in the bedroom that holds so many great childhood memories for me.
The nostalgia being at home brings is all connected to my memories
of Noah and it's surprisingly comforting. I feel closer to him in
this room, under my bright yellow and pink quilt, and it makes it
easy to fall asleep.

***

I wake up early so that I can get dressed and leave
the house before my mother wakes up and asks me fifty questions
about what my plans are for the day. While I'm happy to be home and
I'm looking forward to spending time with her, I want to
have
today to be alone.
I want to walk around all the familiar spots and hope each one
gives me a little peace and comfort.

After tying up my bright pink and blue
Nike
running shoes, I sneak out the back door and start my trek. I spend
the morning walking to my old elementary school and see if anything
has changed. Then I walk over to the area in town where Noah and I
would always get ice cream
,
followed by a visit to the park. I see the big
hill I used to roll down in the summer and sled down in the
winter.

I climb the hill, my shoes digging into the grass and
when I reach the top I lay down, tuck my arms to my sides, close my
eyes and begin to roll. After the first few turns I go faster and
faster and I feel like a kid again. Childish laughter escapes my
lips and I continue to laugh as I reach the bottom of the hill and
slow down. Once I've stopped
,
I open my eyes and look around at the open park as
the sun shines and reflects off the shiny metal slide.

When I stand up
,
I have grass stains all over my clothes but I
don't care. Rolling down the hill was euphoric. In a way it reminds
me not to take everything so seriously and enjoy the life I have
for a little bit.

Leaving the park
,
I walk a few miles over to my favorite small,
private beach on Lake Superior and sit down on the sand. The wind
has picked up near the lake and the waves are crashing on the
shore, making the lake look more like an ocean.

I lie back in the sand and stare up at the light blue
sky, deciding to spend the rest of the day here. It's a great place
to clear my head and try to make some decisions on what I should do
when I get back to New York.

The hours fly by as I think about my friendships and
the career I want to have. I ponder the idea of marriage and kids.
I think about Noah. More than anything I want him to be happy. I've
finally come to peace with the fact that his happiness might not be
with me, and that will be okay. I'll never love anyone the way I
love him, but as time goes on I know things will get easier and
hopefully he'll find a woman that will be everything he wants and
needs. I want him to have everything he's ever wanted.

And after the way I treated him I know that woman is
probably not me.

As the sun
moves
further and further west I know it's getting
late and I should head back to the house. I left my phone in my
room, not wanting to be disturbed, but I don't want to worry my mom
by coming home after it's dark.