Nobody Knows (23 page)

Jason shook his head. “Not since I was in hospital. Dad said Drew waited around until he arrived, but I didn’t see him after he stormed out.”

That was Drew. Although he didn’t want to talk to his brother, he still refused to leave him alone at the hospital. He cared enough to wait, in spite of his own pain.

A familiar ache pushed at my insides. I missed his face, his smile, the feel of his hand in mine, his hands on me.

Everything.

“One of the reasons we’re not allowed visitors for the first week in here is so we have time to think. And no matter how much you’re going to tell me what happened between you and Drew isn’t my fault, I know it is."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Jason continued. "It’s not only about you and Drew. Dad told me about your illustrating job. I’m gonna... when I get out of here, I’ll do all I can to help you. If I hadn’t ended up in hospital, you wouldn’t have gotten fired. I need to fix it."

“You can’t fix it. I’d probably have lost the job anyway once the author realised I was dating a member of a rock band, and you can’t fix me and Drew because he doesn’t want us fixed. I lied to him. I did everything he was worried I’d do. How can I expect him to trust me?”

“I’m not having that.” Jason shook his head. “Why are you giving up?”

“Don’t make it sound as if I don’t care. I know how his mind works and no amount of talking will take back what I did. You of all people should understand how hard he clings onto the things that hurt him.”

“If you give up on him, you’ll hurt him more.”

“I’m scared, okay? I hate being away from him, it’s killing me. But I can’t win him back with a few sweet words, and I can’t try because I don’t ever want to hear him tell me it’s over again. I can’t do it.”

I’d relived the moment Drew walked away from me so many times, and it never hurt any less to visualise the look on his face before he said his last words to me. At the time, I couldn’t imagine hurting any more. Each day, I was proved wrong. Regular visits from my parents didn’t do much to lift my mood. They came, forced me to eat, tried to make me call Drew, then left. I’d expected Jason to understand my reasons for not talking to Drew, even if my mum and dad didn’t.

“Ellie. If you let this go, you’ll regret it. I saw how you were together and how much he needed you when he was arguing with me, and I’m a dick for not seeing it before. Because it’s been obvious for a long time. He’s completely in love with you, and that isn’t going to change overnight."

I closed my eyes, the ache taking over, colliding with my hangover and ripping through me so I folded in half, resting my forehead on Jason’s knees.

I wasn’t sure if it was my raging hangover or the emotion I cried out with Jason, but every part of my body hurt. It took days to recover, and I spent all of them thinking about the things Jason had said. I loved that he wanted to help me, I just couldn’t see any way he could. There was no “fix” for Drew and me. I could have apologised again. I could have waited outside his window and grovelled, and I would have if I thought it would make a difference. The fact remained, I’d broken his trust and he’d closed off from me as though we never existed. I didn’t know how to fight that.

At some point, I knew I’d have to get back to normality, so I dragged my miserable arse out of my flat and headed out to visit my parents. I hadn’t been to their house since the night Jason overdosed; hadn’t been anywhere other than the supermarket and the rehab centre. I figured Mum and Dad would be glad to see me wearing proper clothes instead of pyjamas or trackie bottoms and a hoodie, until I realised that at eleven a.m on a weekday, they probably wouldn’t be in.

As I pulled up outside my family home, I did a quick scan around for Drew’s car, just in case by some weird coincidence, he was visiting his dad. All clear.

Great. Now what?

“Ellie!”

Lucy must have seen my car through the window. She stood on the doorstep, beaming, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

Sheesh, she needs to ease off the coffee.

“Morning, Luce.” I climbed out of the car, my bag slung over my shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re here!”

“What’s up?”

Lucy ran down the path, her fingers digging into my arm as she pulled me into the living room and sat me in my dad’s armchair - a strong indication he definitely wasn’t home.

“Wait there,” Lucy said, before skipping out and thundering up the stairs.

Okay. My sister had always been sunny, but the way she darted around the house, all smiley and secretive was downright creepy. She’d hardly spoken a word, yet she appeared giddy with barely contained glee. I felt as though I’d slipped into the start of a horror movie, where the person who looked like Lucy was actually some alien life form from another planet on a mission to take over the world, one human at a time.

When she returned, she had her hands behind her back.

“Seriously. What’s going on?”

“I’m about to tell you, dear sister.” She paused to giggle. “Okay, I have a gift for you, but you can’t look until I’ve gone. I need to take a shower, and when I come back, we’ll talk.”

My immediate thought was she had a pregnancy test gripped in her hands, and needed the time to shower for me to calm down enough not to strangle her. Based on our conversation a few nights ago, I knew I was letting my mind run away with me. Besides, she was way too happy for that to be the case.

“What is it?” I asked, a hint of nervousness creeping into my voice.

“It’s nothing bad. It’s... an idea. From Jason.”

“Wait. How have you been getting
ideas
from Jason?”

Her words came out in a rush. “I went to visit him yesterday. I booked an appointment because... I wanted to see him.”

Any hope I’d had that her feelings for Jason were a passing phase vanished when my brain registered the look on her face. Somewhere between happiness at seeing him and sadness... maybe because he showed no sign of thinking of her as anything more than a little sister.

“How is he?” I hoped to distract her with facts, rather than allowing her mind to wander.

“Determined. He’s determined to get out of that place and not go back. And,” she added, her smile returning, “he’s determined to help you.”

Yup. That was Jason. Once he got an idea, he wouldn’t let go until every possibility of it working out had been blasted to pieces. I appreciated his efforts, I just didn’t think there was any plan he could concoct that had a shot at succeeding. And involving Lucy? This wasn’t her battle to fight, and if she mistook his trust to help with this for more, she would get hurt.

I didn’t have the strength to hold both of us together.

“I’m going to visit him tomorrow,” I said. “Couldn’t it have waited until then?”

“Probably. But he gave me the...
idea
, hoping you’ll have made a decision by the time you see him.”

“Fine. What is it?"

Lucy released her hands from behind her back and handed me an A4 sized padded envelope. The contents were super thin because I couldn’t feel anything through the inner bubble wrap.

“You have to read the letter carefully, and think before you say no. Jason said you’re going to refuse, and asked me to tell you it’s not as crazy as it seems.” She stared at me, as if the fate of the whole universe was in my hands. “Okay. I’ll let you read in peace.”

Once she left the room, the only sound was my deep breathing as I tried to work out what might be in the envelope, and why Jason was so sure I’d refuse.

Wait. What was I thinking? If it was Jason’s idea, it would probably be insane, so of course I’d reject it. On the other hand... Jason’s crazy ideas often worked out.

“Oh bloody hell,” I muttered, tearing into the package and upturning it so the contents spilled into my lap.

Two pieces of writing paper and a CD.

Okay.

I picked up the piece of paper that fell out first, and my breath hitched as I read:

Nobody Knows lyrics by Drew Brooks

A little girl, a lonely step

A little boy who didn’t know who he was yet

She held his hand, she dried his tears

Picking up the fragments of shattered years

Asking nothing, she waited there

With a patient smile and cranberry-scented hair

I needed her, my light, my sun

I never knew what she’d become

Nobody knows how hard I tried

To fix the pain buried inside

To keep on swimming when I wanted to drown

To stop the waves from pulling me down

Nobody knows how much it takes

To stay complete when I want to break

When there’s nothing left one thing is true

Nobody knows but you

Tears blurred my vision so I couldn’t read anymore, but Drew’s familiar scrawl and his beautiful words hit me deep in my chest. My song. The song he’d hidden from me in London. I could never have imagined such perfect lyrics. Lyrics that reflected everything we’d been through from the start. All this time, he remembered the day we met, the way I sat quietly beside him and waited for him to be ready to play. The way I
always
waited for him.

How much more amazing would it have been if Drew had shown me the song? I’d have hugged him so hard. Told him how much it meant that he’d written words I felt in every part of me. They
were
a part of me. Part of us.

A tear dripped onto the page and I quickly moved the paper aside so as not to smudge the words.

God, I miss him so much.

To distract myself from the feeling of my insides shrivelling, I picked up the other piece of paper.

This is the one song for the new album Drew kept from me. He didn’t want me, or anyone to see until everyone knew you were together. He gave it to Mack, and he still wants it on the album, even though it’s so different from what we normally do, but he won’t play it live.

Mack recorded a version of the song on the CD enclosed. It’s only him and a guitar, and it’s fucking brilliant. You wanna get Drew back? Learn it. Derek has arranged a small homecoming gig for us in three weeks, when I’m out of rehab. It’ll be invite only, family and friends, and some people from town who have always supported us. Sing the song. Tweak the lyrics and sing it for him, Ellie. You can do this.

Think about it.

Jason

Sing the song. Sing the song?
He must still be high.

Did he not know Drew at all? How could I get up in front of the people we knew best and sing a song he himself didn’t want to sing? Being the centre of attention was not Drew’s thing. That was why he liked the drums so much. He could do what he loved while hiding at the back of the stage. If I made some massive deal about this song... I couldn’t see how it would help.

With a sigh, I picked up the CD, twirling it around in my fingers. Part of me felt hearing those lyrics come to life would be peering into a part of Drew’s brain he didn’t want me to see.
He still wants it on the album. Soon, everyone will see.

A ripple of hope trickled through me. If he didn’t want me to hear the song, why would he want it recorded? A permanent record of his feelings would surely be the last thing he’d want if he was done with me.

Unless... he wanted to remind me what I threw away.

I rose from my seat and removed Mum’s Olly Murs album from the CD player, replacing it with Jason’s gift.

My heart stilled as the gentle strains of Mack’s guitar played through the speakers. Although the melody was soft, it still somehow had a little of their signature darkness. I couldn’t help imagining how cool it would sound with the addition of drums to make it heavier.

It really was beautiful.

“So, what do you think?”

I jumped at the sound of Lucy’s voice. She stood behind me, eyebrows raised. The hopefulness of her expression was both frustrating and amusing.

“Have you heard this?” I nodded towards the CD player.

“No. Jason told me I couldn’t see or hear until you did.”

“The lyrics are on the chair. Take a look.”

As Lucy scanned the words, a smile formed on her lips.

“You’re so lucky. This is fab! He wrote a song for you. I would love it if a guy did that for me.”

“Except he’s not
my
guy anymore.”

Lucy glanced at me over the top of the lyric sheet. “He could be if you do what Jason wants you to do.”

I sank to the floor. “It’s a terrible idea.”

“Why? Is there anything more romantic than someone you love singing for you? Come on, Ellie. They might be Drew’s lyrics but they fit you, too. You know what he’s trying to say here, and I know you feel the same way. He’s the one. The only one who knows everything about you.”

Yup. It was true, he was the one. It still sometimes astounded me how we hadn’t always been so close, but knowing each other forever made it easy for us to see how much sense we made. Jason and I could communicate without speaking, but he didn’t speak to my heart the way Drew did.