Authors: Kyra Lennon
I stopped hearing Jason’s words. There was only one word I needed as my cue. My name. Until then, my eyes stayed on Drew.
One thing I’d never needed help with when singing Drew’s song, was emotion. Maybe it would never win any prizes for being the most lyrically beautiful song ever written, but it was
ours
. It was about us, and I felt it, every word, because I’d lived it.
I’d never had to sing it with him in the room, though. With his eyes on me while I sang the words he wrote. How could I do that? Drew was maybe six or seven feet away from me, and I’d started to shake the second I allowed myself to really look at him. Taking in the way his dark hair curled against the collar of his shirt, the sweat trickling down his cheek, his fingers still wrapped around his drumsticks as though they were a part of him the way
I
used to be a part of him.
How would it be when there was hardly any distance between us? When he was close enough to touch?
Mouth dry. Hands clammy and shaking. Heart smacking against my chest so hard it might burst out.
I flicked my head around to look at Lucy, ready to tell her I couldn’t do it.
It was too late. Jason said my name, calling me to the stage.
My head was a jumbled mess, like someone had poured a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti where my brain used to be.
“Deep breaths.” Lucy stroked the back of my hand. “You can do this.”
Those moments in movies, when time slows down, and everything drags across the screen, building the tension to the big money shot everyone’s been waiting for.
That was my walk to the stage.
On trembling legs, I reminded myself why I
needed
to do this. I
wanted
to.
I shook my head, trying to stop the endless stream of gibberish thoughts rattling around my mind, and when I reached Jason’s side, he put his arm around my shoulders to steady me.
“You okay?” Jason whispered, as the mumbles of the crowd lessened.
“I don’t know yet. I guess we’ll find out together.”
Behind me, shuffling feet alerted me to Mack taking his place. I wasn’t sure where Joey and Jason went, and I couldn’t see Drew, but I knew he hadn’t left the stage. His eyes burned into my back.
Being on stage wasn’t like the last time. The pub didn’t have an expensive, blinding lighting system, so I could see everyone in the crowd staring at me, waiting. Natalie, stunning in a red dress, totally inappropriate for a pub gig in the middle of winter but beautiful all the same; Derek, willing me on with encouraging eyes. Then Lucy, who popped up at the front of the stage, smiling proudly, as if I was the coolest big sister in the world.
I’m not cool
. I’d made a mess of everything.
The people in front of me blurred as tears flooded my eyes again. Mack started to play, and the insanity of what I was about to do hit me full force.
Drew wrote this beautiful song for me, and I broke him. Broke his trust. Broke his heart.
I was worse than Lisa. She played on his insecurities, and dropped him when he’d reached his lowest point. I swore I’d never be like her. That I’d never hurt him. I promised him I wouldn’t lie to him, or make him feel second best, and what did I do? The only thing guaranteed to send him spiralling back to the place in his mind where he felt like nothing.
I did that to him. And I planned to fix the mess with a reminder of everything I ruined?
I turned to Mack, holding up my hand for him to stop playing. Silence fell over the room. Not a single whisper broke through the quiet. I clung to the microphone, breathing deeply and trying not to pass out from the two hundred pairs of eyes watching me.
Lucy.
I blinked to clear my vision and found her again. She’d pushed her way to the front of the crowd, and looked up at me with a supportive smile. “Talk to him,” she mouthed.
Maybe it was always that simple. Maybe all I ever needed to do was talk to him without all...
this
. It never felt like enough, though.
“Okay,” I began, taking a deep breath. “I guess you’re all wondering what’s going on. The truth is there are only five people in this room who knew what is supposed to be happening right now. The sixth person, I’m sure, figured it out when he heard the opening to his song.”
I still didn’t have the strength to look at anyone other than Lucy, though. If I focused on my sister, I could forget about everyone else.
My legs were weak, ready to collapse at any second. They weren’t strong enough to carry me off the stage, so I dug my heels into the floor, hoping they’d last until I’d finished... whatever I was going to say.
“The song that didn’t get played is something special. Something so special, I don’t think I have any right to attempt it. But the person who wrote the song... the person who writes every single Razes Hell song that gives you goose bumps, he’s pretty special, too."
Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply again. Stopping the tears was impossible, so I hoped to hell nobody attempted to photograph me with make-up streaked down my face. I had to see this through to the end, whatever the consequences.
“I never thought I’d do anything like this. I never thought I’d stand in front of people and talk about private things. I’m not a celebrity. I’m Ellie. I do normal things like everyone else. I paint pictures, and hang around my flat wearing old baggy shirts and eating junk food. Sometimes I stay in my pyjamas all day, and cook weird crap from leftovers because I can’t be bothered to go to the supermarket. The other very normal thing I do is fall in love."
Pause. Breathe.
"I fell in love with Drew Brooks. I didn’t see it happening until I was so far gone it hurt to not be with him.”
My whole body quivered, my vision blurring again as I thought about the nights I still clung to Drew’s shirt, though it didn’t smell like him anymore.
I wiped my eyes, and continued.
“I thought... before he knew how I loved him, I thought that was the most painful thing in the world. Loving him, and being too afraid to tell him. But you know what hurts more? Knowing he’s right behind me, right now, and the only reason I’m not standing beside him is because I made a stupid, horrible mistake. But even if... if this doesn’t go the way I want tonight, I just... I think he deserves to know there’s someone who loves him enough to... to learn a song for him and-”
There was more. So much more I wanted to say, but familiar hands touched my waist, making the rest of my words stick in my throat. My already weak legs quivered as the hands I knew so well turned me around, turning my back to the audience.
I closed my eyes. Drew cupped my face in his hands, brushing away my tears with his thumbs.
“Eleanor Jane,” he said, his voice husky. “What am I going to do with you?”
My heart hammered so fast I could hardly breathe. Instead of speaking, I let myself get lost in the gentle movements of his fingers over my cheeks, drying each droplet of moisture that fell.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head.
Still not ready.
Drew’s lips planted soft kisses on my eyelids, causing flutters in my stomach. “Look. At. Me.”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“No?” His stubble lightly brushed my cheek, making my heart beat harder. “I think the girl who told a room full of people how much she loves someone can do anything she wants to.”
I didn’t feel anywhere near as brave as he made me sound, but it was easier to fake when he held me.
Everything was easier with him.
Slowly, I lifted my eyelids, and he smiled though his own eyes were glistening. “There’s my girl.”
“Drew-”
“Wait.”
Without any warning, he swept me off the ground, and the crowd – who I’d completely forgotten about – gave a loud cheer as Drew walked off the stage with me in his arms.
He carried me outside, placing me back on my feet in front the pub’s doors. The cold hit me immediately. My internal organs were on pause, waiting for Drew to speak. He stood in front of me, not touching me, just watching me with awe.
“I can’t believe you did that for me. You… you were going to sing your song.”
I nodded, my body relaxing a little. “I practised. A lot. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, Drew. I … it felt wrong, like I was using the words you wrote to make you feel guilty or something, and-”
Drew’s mouth closed over mine, putting a stop to my panicked rambling. His kiss was life being breathed back into me. Everything inside me that had been dead and listless began to stir and awaken.
“Ells, it was an amazing thing for you to attempt.” He rested one hand on my hip while the other gently played with the ends of my hair. “I’m sorry I made you think you had to do something so big to get me to listen.” He shook his head, his eyes glistening again. “I wanted to talk to you every day. Every time I saw you, I felt like my guts were being ripped out all over again, not because of what you did, but because I left you. In the hospital, I left you there, begging me to listen. I walked away. I didn’t think… I thought you’d never forgive me for leaving you there.”
The memory of the most painful moment of my life forced more tears to spill; when he prised my fingers from his arm and turned his back on me.
“I didn’t blame you for reacting the way you did. I lied to you. I confirmed every fear you had about me and Jason, but it wasn’t because I-”
“I know, Ells.” Drew rested his forehead against mine. “I get that it wasn’t about you having a thing for him. And I didn’t want to stop you being close to him, I just wanted to feel as though I meant more, and I should have already known. I
did
mean more.”
“You
do
.” I stepped forward to close the gap between us. A happy sigh escaped my lips as I nestled into his chest, snuggling into his warmth.
“How did you find out about your song, Ells?”
“How do you think?”
Drew held me tighter, slipping both arms around me. “Jason.”
“Yes. Jason.”
“He did this for us.”
“Yup. He never does anything on a small scale.”
“For sure.” I looked up, and saw Drew staring thoughtfully over my shoulder. “Things with me and Jason aren’t much better, Ellie. But we’re trying.
I’m
trying.” He paused then fixed his gaze on me. “I don’t ever want to make you think I’m not listening or that you can’t be around for Jason without me flipping out. He needs you too. More than you know. I don’t want to get in the way of your friendship with him. What you said in there made me feel like an arse for not seeing things clearly before now. For not understanding what you told me every day we were together.” Drew paused again. “I can’t promise to always do everything right, but I promise to try. I need to be with you, Ells. I love you.”
The words I’d missed so much danced through my brain, and I let them hang in the air between us. I’d thought I would never hear them again.
“I don’t need you to do everything right. I need you to be you. That’s all I ever wanted.”
All I’ll ever want.
I reached up on my tiptoes and wound my arms around his neck. “I love you too.”
When Drew’s lips found mine, I knew we were going to be okay. His arms were my home, his body was my shelter, and his kiss re-lit a spark in me that had never fully fizzled out, not even when we were apart.
Maybe nobody ever knows for sure how life will turn out, but in that moment,
I
knew I was where I’d always wanted to be. The little girl on the lonely step, holding on to the little boy who didn’t know who he was yet.
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Nobody Knows
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Want more rock star romances?
Check out
Blurring The Lines
by Mia Josephs
Christian Meyer quit his band and checked into rehab. Only, when he checks out to start his solo career, he can’t write. At all.
Corinne’s done the Hollywood, famous rockstar boyfriend thing. It ended in such a huge disaster that she ran herself out of town, despite her career as a songwriter just beginning to take off. She lives in a small cabin in the woods of Washington to keep as far away from her old life as possible.
But when Christian is desperate to start his new career, and his manager has the perfect songwriter in mind, their worlds collide.
Corinne is determined to keep her distance, it’s just collaborating for a weekend. But when Chris shows up on her doorstep weeks after their meeting and pleading for help, she can’t turn him away.
With the life she now lives and the past she’s desperate to keep buried, she’ll do everything she can to protect her heart, no matter how quickly she feels herself falling.
For the first time in his life, Chris can see himself being in love, but with a tour date looming, and Corinne terrified to move forward, they both have a long road to travel if there’s a chance of them being together.
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About The Author
Kyra Lennon is a self-confessed book-a-holic, and has been since she first learned to read. When she’s not reading, you’ll usually find her hanging out in coffee shops with her trusty laptop and/or her friends, or girling it up at the nearest shopping mall.
Kyra grew up on the South Coast of England and refuses to move away from the seaside which provides massive inspiration for her novels.
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