Off Limits (11 page)

“You too,
Jen. Come visit us in Boston.”

“I will. That’s a great idea. I could spend a weekend there next month, maybe.”

“That would be fun.”

Andrew went over to Connor’s place, for some guy time, I guess, and I was glad because being around him was so goddamn difficult. Our eyes kept meeting and then bouncing away and the tension that crackled around us was painful. I helped Mom clean up and do dishes.
Then, upstairs in my room, I flopped down onto my bed in exhaustion. God.

What had possessed me to utter that confession last night? How stupid could I be? Andrew probably suspected my feelings for him but he didn’t need to be burdened with actually hearing that from me. Jesus! I smacked my own forehead.

With a heavy sigh, I reached for my laptop to go online to check in with friends on Facebook,
exchanging posts about the gifts we’d gotten, trying to distract myself. Then I checked the Amtrak schedule to see when I could get home. There were several trains leaving in the morning.

I wanted to go home.

I loved my family, I really did, but suddenly I couldn’t deal with being around Andrew anymore. It was my own fault, but even if I hadn’t told him I loved him last night, it would still
be intolerable. A desolate bleakness swept through me, a hopelessness that dragged me down. I gave in to a few moments of self-pity and let the tears fall. I set my computer aside, slid down into the pillows, and curled up on my side. Damn.

Would I ever get over him? How was I supposed to live the rest of my life without him? I thought I’d finally met a guy I could fall in love with, and after
two days back in Andrew’s presence it had all fallen apart.

It wasn’t fair.

I sat up and swiped tears off my face, then reached for my laptop. Impulsively I checked train times for today. There was a train leaving just after six tonight. I’d be in New York around seven. I bit my lip, then clicked on the coach seat ticket and paid for it.

Well. I looked around. I’d better get packed.

I slid
off the bed and trudged to the bathroom to collect my toiletries, then packed my clothes and the gifts I’d received. I glanced at the alarm clock beside the bed, then headed downstairs to find Mom and Dad.

They sat in the great room, side by side on the couch, watching TV.

“Hey,” I said. “I just booked a train ticket home tonight. Mom or Dad, can you drive me to the station in Hartford?”

Mom
looked up with raised eyebrows. “I thought you were staying until tomorrow.”

“That was the plan for Jon and I.” I shrugged. “I just feel like getting back to the city.”

Mom gazed at me, glanced at Dad, then nodded. “Of course we can take you. What time?”

“We could leave anytime.”

“But the boys are still out. You won’t get to say goodbye to them.”

“Eh. They won’t mind. I’m mostly packed. I’ll
bring my suitcase down.”

“I’ll get it for you, Bugsy.” Dad rose from the couch.

“Thanks, Dad.”

He followed me upstairs. I zipped up the case and Dad lugged it back down. I found my jacket and boots.

Dad took my suitcase out to his SUV. At the door, Mom gave me a tight hug. “You okay, honey?”

She seemed so concerned about me and Jon breaking up. She had no idea what I was really upset about.
“I will be.” I gave her one last squeeze and stepped back to smile reassuringly at her. And I would be. I’d go back on the dating site I’d joined and start going out with guys again, and sooner or later I’d meet the man who was right for me.

Dad drove me to the station. He too seemed concerned that I was leaving early. “I’ll come visit more often,” I promised him as he hauled my suitcase out
of the trunk. “It’s such a short train trip.”

“You’re busy.” He studied me with his shrewd eyes. He knew how to read people. I made my smile bright. “But we’d love to see you anytime.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

He wasn’t a hugger, but this time he reached for me and pulled me close. I threw my arms around him and squeezed his neck. “Bye, Dad! See you soon.”

Dad lifted his hand and smiled as I moved away.

Then I waved and wheeled my suitcase through the station.

Connor and I hung out at his place for a while, drinking beer, playing pool on his new pool table, and trash-talking each other. It should have been fun and relaxing, taking me back to being a teenager when Connor had become my brother, but all I could think of was Jenna and what she’d said last night. I tried to push that out of my head. Then we headed back to Brenda and Gary’s
place for dinner. Brenda told us she was ordering Chinese food because she was exhausted from cooking that big meal yesterday and hosting the open house today. We didn’t remind her that the rest of us had done most of the work. Moo shu pork and egg rolls would be cool.

We drove up just as Gary pulled into the driveway in his SUV. He parked behind Brenda’s car, slammed the door shut, and waited
for us, hands in his jacket pockets. “You boys have fun?”

“Yeah.”

We tromped inside and removed boots and outerwear.

“I just took Jenna to the station,” Gary said. “She decided to go home tonight.”

I froze and studied my sock feet.

“What?” Connor hung his jacket. “She left and didn’t even say goodbye?”

“I’m sure she figured you’d survive.” Brenda spoke up in a dry tone. “She seemed kind
of sad.”

I lifted my gaze to Brenda.

“I think she’s more upset about the breakup than she was letting on,” Gary said.

To my surprise, Brenda looked right at me. “I don’t know.” She tapped her chin. “What do you think, Andrew?”

My insides went tight and my muscles clenched. I walked with what felt like jerky steps into the kitchen and choked out, “I have no idea.”

I felt Brenda’s eyes on me
and I had no fucking clue what that was about. What did Brenda think happened?

“I just ordered the Chinese food,” she said. “It should be here soon.”

“Great. I’m starving.” I wasn’t really, not anymore.

I didn’t need to ask myself why Jenna had left. Fuck. Misery wrenched my gut into knots.

“I’m gonna go start packing,” I said. “Got an early flight in the morning.”

I hadn’t brought a lot
of shit, but I threw it together along with the Christmas presents I’d received. I paused on the one from Jenna, the funny USB drives. It was a small gift, but it touched me that she’d obviously tried to pick something personal for me.

I was just finishing packing when Brenda called down the stairs that the Chinese food had arrived…just like so many evenings in my late teens when she’d called
down that dinner was ready. She’d always been a stickler about the family eating together as much as we could, given everyone’s busy schedules.

I headed back up to the kitchen, ready to choke down food I didn’t really want. The vibrant Christmas atmosphere had dimmed into a subdued quietness and Brenda let us eat in the great room in front of the TV. That was a relief, as we didn’t have to talk
much.

But I did have something to say to Brenda and Gary.

When we’d finished eating, I looked at Gary. “Can I talk to you and Brenda about something?”

“Sure.”

Brenda turned around expectantly. “What is it?”

“I had an idea about you selling the house.”

Brenda’s smile faded and she and Gary exchanged a glance.

“I want to buy it.”

Brenda blinked. Gary tipped his head and frowned. “What? Why?”

Similar reaction to Jenna’s. “I want to keep the house as somewhere to come home to in the off-season. I can afford it and I can pay someone to look after it when I’m not here. That way you get to move somewhere easier for you to look after and I still have a place here.”

Brenda’s eyes went soft. “You always have a place with us to come home to, Andrew.”

I nodded. “I know. But really, I can’t
come spend three or four months with you in a little condo. I need a place of my own. Why not this house?”

Again, they shared a look, then Gary shrugged. “If that’s really what you want to do, I guess it kinda makes sense.”

“I guess it does,” Brenda agreed, “though you could probably buy something much nicer.”

“I like this house. I know it’s a good, solid one. Maybe I’ll put in a swimming pool
or something.” I grinned, and they smiled too. “Whenever you’re ready to sell. You won’t have to worry about closing dates or having two places, since I’ll be flexible about when you actually have to move out.” I winked at Brenda and she laughed. “I won’t even charge you much rent.”

“Thank you,” she said drily.

Gary clapped a hand on my shoulder. “We can help look after it when you’re not here.”

“I knew you’d offer that. But if part of the reason you’re moving is so you have less work, that doesn’t help you. But maybe you could oversee things and check in once in a while.”

“I’ll ask around about who could help us out.” Gary nodded.

“Thanks.”

“I can help too.” Connor spoke up.

I looked at him. “You’ve got your own place to worry about, but yeah, just keeping an eye on it would be great.”

Brenda smiled at Gary. “I guess we can start looking anytime. That actually takes a load off my mind, not having to worry about selling.”

“Like I said, whenever works for you.”

Connor sighed. “I guess if it’s really gonna happen, it’s good that you’ll have the place.”

I was relieved that they hadn’t put up a fight about this, although why would they, when it totally made sense? I just didn’t
want them to feel I was using my money to bail them out. I knew they weren’t hurting financially and didn’t
need
bailing out, that wasn’t why they were selling, and I didn’t want them to feel like that.

“We’ll be in touch about the particulars,” Gary said. His big hand squeezed my shoulder.

“Yeah, for sure. Just keep me posted. Maybe talk to a realtor about what a fair price for the house is.”

Gary grinned. “You trust us to be fair?”

I met his eyes, smiling. “Yeah. I trust you.”

“You still might want to do some checking yourself. Due diligence.”

“Sure,” I agreed, but I totally knew they’d be fair on the price they wanted.

We said our goodbyes in the morning, early. Brenda and Gary both had to work. I drove myself to the airport and returned the rental vehicle there.

Once I was
on the plane, I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. Now it was really hard not to think about Jenna. About her gorgeous smile, her sexy body…but also her warm heart, her love of life, the affection she showed baby Christopher and her old grandma…and me.

That was why things never worked with other girls.
She
was why. Why hadn’t I clued in to that before? Nobody was ever good
enough. Connor had been right, years ago, that I was the one sabotaging relationships because I wasn’t in them with my whole heart.

Jenna had my whole heart.

When we’d spent that weekend together, I forgot about her family for a couple of days, but when Connor and Daniel had showed up that Sunday and guilt damn near strangled me, I couldn’t forget. I couldn’t take a chance on losing what was
so important to me…family. I couldn’t take a chance on letting them down.

She’d known right away and she’d let me off the hook. In fact, she’d done it so quickly I’d figured she’d realized what a mistake it would be for us to get involved and agreed we couldn’t be together. I got that. It would be awkward for her too to tell her family that I’d been, ahem, stickhandling with their daughter. And
I kept telling myself that, and trying to pretend I hadn’t seen the sadness in her pretty eyes.

Kind of like the hurt I’d seen there last night.

I was soon back in Chicago. In my new condo, I dumped my duffel bag in a corner to deal with later and headed to the arena for our game day skate. It was good to be back in my normal environment, although I’d been in Chicago only a matter of months.
But hockey was what I knew and I focused on it and on preparing for the game that night—trying not to think about Jenna.

We lost that night. We’d been losing a lot. The team was struggling this season, which was one more reason that it sucked to have been traded from a Stanley Cup champion team to a team that couldn’t win. The Aces were also former Stanley Cup champions and it was grating on
them that they were having such a hard time this season.

You could blame the Christmas break and the fact that we’d had a few days off. You could come up with a million reasons why we lost. I knew I hadn’t played my best game. I’d been aggressive and had taken some dumb penalties, and I had to use all the sports psychology I’d learned not to beat myself up over it and to put it behind me.

Some
of the guys went out after the game, and they invited me along. The single guys on the team had been good about including me in social events and I enjoyed hanging out with them. I tagged along tonight because it was better than going home alone, but I didn’t stay late. We had another game the day after tomorrow and then two days after that, New Year’s Eve, a late afternoon game. After all the
eating and drinking I’d done over the holidays, I felt a need to cut back. And I just felt antisocial.

I was sulking like a spoiled kid on Christmas morning who didn’t get what he wanted from Santa.

But I
did
get what I wanted. I was going to buy Gary and Brenda’s house and keep it for myself and keep it “in the family,” so to speak. I could still go back and spend my off-seasons in Greenfield.
And see Brenda and Gary and Connor and do my hockey camps for kids and fish with Gary. That was what I wanted, right?

Right?

Fuuuuuuck.

I wanted Jenna.

That was what I really wanted. Intense longing rocked me hard.

At home in my sweet new condo in a high-rise just off Michigan Avenue, I stared out at the glittering city view. Falling flakes of fluffy snow blurred the orange, gold, blue, and
white lights. The fire in my gas fireplace heated the room but it still felt cold. I turned to survey the half-empty condo. This was my home.

After being back with the MacFaddens for a few days, this felt like shit.

Family was important to me, but I was alone. What the fuck was that about?

Jenna loved me.

And I’d fucking hurt her. How could I do that…when I loved her too?
She
was what I really
wanted.

I closed my eyes on a wave of deep despair, one arm outstretched, my hand flattened on the cold window in front of me.

Christ. I’d just realized what it was I really wanted—I mean,
who
I really wanted—and I’d fucked it all up. Because I needed to be safe, because I was so sure that I couldn’t have her and the family who’d taken me in. Well, fuck that. Maybe I could.

A cold fist gripped
my heart and squeezed. The idea of displeasing Gary and Brenda made my nuts shrivel. But fuck, Jenna’d said she loved me. And I loved her too. I wouldn’t hurt her.

But I
had
hurt her. I’d rejected the love she offered because of my own stupid fears and that was the worst thing I possibly could have done to her. If Gary and Brenda found out about that, they’d disown me faster than you could say
“offside.” Waaay the fuck offside.

Or would they? I’d been nervous about having Jenna on my lap on Christmas, playing Santa and making dirty jokes. But when I’d looked at Gary and Brenda, they’d been laughing too. In fact, Brenda had looked almost…joyful.

Gary’d warned me off his daughter…but she’d been
fourteen
then. Now she was a grown woman. We didn’t live in the same house any longer. We
weren’t
brother and sister.

I had to suck in a few deep breaths. Yeah, Gary and Brenda were important to me. And I got that maybe he was protective of his daughter. But this was about Jenna and me.
We
were what really mattered. We were adults now and we had to figure out this shit for ourselves.

Jesus, here I was trapped in Chicago in this condo and I needed to see her. I’d totally fucked up.
We’d had days together and I’d blown it. Now I had practices and two games before I had a couple days off. A feeling of desperate helplessness rose up my throat, choking me. I needed to get to her. I needed to talk to her, to tell her how I felt.

Phoning or emailing wasn’t going to cut it. Even Skype was a stupid idea.

In my head, I sorted through other options. I could figure this out. Dammit,
I
had
to figure this out.

I grabbed another handful of popcorn from the big bowl beside me on the couch as Ryan Seacrest introduced another popular musical act to help ring in the new year. In my flannel pj’s and thick socks, I watched Taylor Swift singing in a sparkly bra, clearly somewhere other than freezing cold Times Square.

Which wasn’t so far from my little Chelsea apartment.
The thought of being in that crazy crowd to celebrate made me shudder.

I was happy here with my bottle of cheap champagne (take that, Jon, I was drinking ten-dollar German bubbly, not Louis Roederer) and a bowl of Orville Redenbacher’s. Well, “happy” might be a bit of an exaggeration.

I’d turned down invitations from friends to join them for New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t feeling very festive this
year. New Year’s had never been one of my favorite holidays in any case. Celebrating with a bunch of strangers didn’t appeal. And what were we celebrating anyway? Another year was over, a new one was starting. Big deal.

I’d stayed home and watched the Chicago vs. Anaheim New Year’s Eve game. I’d tortured myself by searching out Andrew on the ice, watching him defend his team’s net, all intense
and focused as he skated backward, eyes darting everywhere to anticipate the other team’s moves. I’d winced when he threw himself onto the ice to block a shot, my heart in my throat, hoping he wasn’t hurt. I’d watched him make a huge save and then even get a goal.

My apartment was dark other than the white lights I’d strung above my window, my tiny Christmas tree in the corner, and the television.
Now it was only a few minutes till midnight. I tossed down the last of the bubbly in my glass and refilled it. I was faintly buzzed from the wine. This fizzy stuff always seemed a little more intoxicating.

Of course it was. Sparkly things were definitely more exciting than dull things. Like the feelings I had for Andrew compared to how I felt for Jon. My feelings for Andrew were brilliant and
bright and shining, compared to the lackluster feelings I’d had for other guys.

I was so freakin’ stupid.

I sighed and sipped more sparkling wine.

I’d tried. I’d really tried. It hadn’t worked out with Jon, but I’d thought we had a shot at having something. One good thing, he hadn’t seemed all busted up about it. It wasn’t as if I’d broken the poor dude’s heart. Clearly his feelings for me
weren’t all brilliant and sparkling and deep.

And neither were Andrew’s.

I’d tried not to think about him since I’d been home. I’d gone back to work, luckily able to avoid Jon in the office tower where we worked. Human Resources was a long way from his office. Sadly, my work didn’t really make me happy either. More bland and uninteresting feelings.

I remembered talking to Andrew about my job
and him asking me what I’d do. I’d figured I should stick it out there awhile longer and add some experience to my résumé. But now that just seemed unbearable. I needed to seriously start job-searching and find something better. Something that engaged me. Something I could be passionate about. Because if all I was going to have was my career, it had better be good.

Okay, that was my New Year’s
resolution. I didn’t usually believe in resolutions because they were always stupid—like, “I’m going to lose ten pounds” and then you’d forget about it by the end of January and go on a chocolate binge to counteract the winter cold and darkness. But this year should definitely be the one I made an effort to find a job I loved.

As for the
man
I loved…I released another heartfelt sigh. He was out
of reach. Forever. I thought I’d accepted that, but somehow being with him again at Christmas had rekindled those feelings. And I’d stupidly told him that. I’d been beating myself up over it for the last few days, calling myself all kinds of an idiot.

I’d just never again go home to Greenfield when he was there. Ever.

It would be easy. I’d been managing that for the last couple of years. I could
do it.

I munched a handful of popcorn, heedless of the crumbs that spilled from my lips and the kernels that dropped to the floor. I was alone. Who cared about being polite and delicate?

They were getting ready to drop the ball in Times Square soon. Yay. I fisted more popcorn.

My cellphone, sitting on the antique trunk that was my coffee table, buzzed. I frowned at it, then leaned over to read
the call display. My building doorman. Someone was down there for me? Huh. Had to be a mistake. None of my friends would show up to drag me out to celebrate when it was almost midnight.

My phone buzzed again. I heaved a sigh and reached for it. I swiped and answered. “Hello?”

“Ms. MacFadden, there’s someone here to see you.”

I just shook my head, wondering who I had to get rid of. “Who is it?”

“Andrew Ross.”

I wanted to tell the doorman to shut the fuck up, but that would be rude. Instead, I said, “Seriously?”

This was met with silence.

I blinked. Apparently he was serious. Now my heart exploded into a rapid cadence. My head went light. Andrew? Holy crapsickle. What was going on?