Old Jews Telling Jokes (19 page)

Steve Platt got divorced when he was fifty. When he decided to start dating, he placed an ad in
The Jewish Journal
that said, “50-year-old Unemployed Loser. I do not like movies, music, dancing, theater, arts, literature, dining, vacations, cruises, or walks on the beach.” He received 183 responses.

This priest just finished this rousing sermon, which was about peace and love. He wheels around and he says to one of the congregants, “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a hard worker; that I was a good provider; that I took care of my family.”

“Thank you,” says the priest. He points to another congregant. “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a good father, a good husband, and a good brother, and that I contributed to the church.”

“Thank you,” says the priest. He points to another congregant. “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “I think I’d like to hear them say, ‘Hey! I think he’s moving!’ ”

Jerry Block sells commercial real estate. His appearance on our site wasn’t his first time in front of the camera. A few years ago he was surreptitiously filmed while taking a New York City taxi and ended up in a Bud Lite commercial.

They decided to change the rules for getting into heaven. Now when you reach the Pearly Gates, you have to tell the angel at the gates what it was like the day that you died.

Sure enough, the following day at noon, the first person shows up and the angel says, “Tell me, sir, what were the circumstances of your death?”

“I’ve often suspected my wife of cheating on me so I decided to come home early one afternoon. I happened to live on the twenty-fifth floor of this high-rise luxury apartment house, and as I walked in I noticed my wife was walking around without a stitch of clothing on. I became incensed.

“I walked around, I looked behind the couch, I looked behind the drapes, I didn’t find anybody. I ran through the kitchen, and sure enough, right there on the patio, hanging from the ledge was some guy. I became so mad I jumped up, yelling and screaming at him. I took the heel of my shoe, I was banging it into his fingertips, and he fell to what I thought was certain death.

“But I took a look over the ledge, and sure enough, wouldn’t you know, his fall was broken by a clump of bushes and he was looking up at me with this shit-eating grin on his face.

“So I ran back into the kitchen, hoping to find something to throw at him, and I spied the refrigerator. I rolled it out, I pushed it across the terrace, picked it up, pushed it over the side. It turned, end over end, and sure enough it just smashed him to smithereens. Well, the whole event was just too much for me to take. I had a massive heart attack and I died right there on the terrace.”

The angel says, “Well, that certainly sounds like a crime of passion. Welcome to the kingdom of heaven. Next.”

The next person shows up and the angel says, “Tell me, sir, what was it like on the day that you died?”

“Well, I happened to be exercising in my apartment this afternoon. I happened to live on the twenty-sixth floor of this high-rise
luxury apartment house. It was a little too warm inside the apartment so I decided to drag my equipment out, and I’m jumping up and down on my trampoline on the terrace, and sure enough I jumped right off it and I put my hands out, hoping to grab anything to break my fall and I did grab on to the terrace of the floor beneath me.

“This madman came out onto the terrace, yelling and screaming and banging away. He jumped up on the terrace and with the heel of his shoe he banged on my fingertips until I couldn’t hold on any longer and I fell to what I thought was certain death, except my fall was broken by this clump of bushes.

“I was looking up at the sky, thanking God, smiling that He had spared me, when all of a sudden I saw this madman take what looked like a refrigerator, he pushed it over the edge and it fell end over end, hit me, smashed me to smithereens, and that’s how I died.”

The angel thinks for a minute and says, “That too sounds like a crime of passion. Welcome to the kingdom of heaven. Next.”

Next man shows up and the angel says, “Tell me, sir, what was it like on the day you died? What were the circumstances of your death?”

And the gentleman looks him straight in the face and says, “Well, picture this. There I was hiding in this refrigerator …”

When I was a boy and my father was in the prosecutor’s office, he received a death threat from an escaped convict. We had an armed bodyguard stay overnight in our living room. He helped me untangle my fishing rod.

Jake dies.

Becky goes to one of those mediums and the medium looks into her crystal ball and a voice comes out. “Becky.”

She says, “Is that you, Jake?”

“It’s me, Becky.”

“Really? How is it, Jake?”

“Oh, Becky, it’s wonderful. Every day I wake up, the first thing I do in the morning is have sex. And then I have some breakfast. And then I take a little nap. Sex again. And then lunch. And then a nap. And then I have sex, snack, and then I take another nap. Sex, nap, food, wonderful. And I do this seven days a week.”

“Jake, you’re so lucky. Heaven must be wonderful.”

“Who’s in heaven? I’m in a bull in Montana.”

Chuck Berke moved to Del Mar, California, twenty years ago and has been a real estate broker there ever since.

A little Jewish lady was not very attractive—in fact, she was awful looking—and had lived a somewhat unlucky, sad, and lonely life. One day she is on a crowded bus and there’s an accident. She is apparently mortally wounded and on the way to the hospital, she thinks, Again unlucky, and now I’m about to die.

While she is pondering her sad life before she expires, God suddenly appears before her and says, “I know you’ve had a tough life but I’m not ready to take you. Also, you’ll receive an ample sum for your injuries—it should easily last you for the twenty more years of life you’ll have!”

She’s overjoyed with the opportunity to finally enjoy life and figures that she might as well give herself the best opportunity. So, while still in the hospital, she gets cosmetic surgery for her face and entire body. After months of treatments and recovery, she looks in the mirror and sees that she is beautiful!

She leaves the hospital and gets in a taxi to go home. The taxi has a serious accident with another car and the woman feels her life ebbing away. Suddenly, God appears again. She says, “How could this happen? You told me that I would have another twenty years of life!”

God replies, “Oh shit! I didn’t recognize you!”

Dan Okrent served for eighteen months as the first public editor of
The New York Times
.

This is about Max and Morris, who are brothers in the shmata business, and they’ve been partners for years. Max has got a family, and Morris lives alone with his cat, Tommy.

And one day Max says to his brother, “Morris, you’ve just been working much too hard. You gotta take a vacation. You gotta get away from the business for a bit.”

Morris says, “How can I do that? Who’s gonna take care of my cat? Tommy the cat? I love him so much, I can’t be away from him.”

Max says, “I’ll take care of Tommy the cat.”

Morris says, “You’d do that for me?”

Max says, “Of course I’d do that for you. I’m your brother. You go have a nice time. Go to Miami. Have a nice trip.”

So Morris gets on a plane, he flies down. Soon as he gets off the plane, he gets out his cellphone and he calls up his brother. He says, “So Max, I’m in Miami. How’s Tommy the cat?”

Max says, “Well, Tommy the cat, he went for a walk on the roof, and he fell off. He’s dead.”

Morris says, “What are you saying to me?”

Max says, “I’m saying Tommy the cat went for a walk on the roof; he fell off. He’s dead.”

Morris says, “I can’t believe this. Max, how can you say this? This cat, this little guy, he means so much to me. You just tell me like this? You’ve got to learn how to break it to me gentle when you tell me something like that.”

Max says, “What do you mean, ‘break it to you gentle’?”

Morris says, “Well, this is what you should do: I get off the plane, I call you. I’d say, ‘How’s Tommy the cat?’ You’d say, ‘Oh, he’s got a little sniffle.’

“Then the next day, I’d check into the Fontainebleau. I’d get up in the morning; before I’ve even had my breakfast, I’d give you a call. I’d say, ‘So nu? With Tommy the cat and the sniffles?’

“You’d say, ‘Well, he got a little raspy in his chest, so I thought I’d
take him to the hospital. But, you know, everything’s going to be okay. He’s a great little cat; the nurses love him.’

“And the next day, I’d go out and maybe play some shuffleboard, talk to the ladies. I call and again, I say, ‘So nu with Tommy the cat?’

“And you’d say to me something like ‘Well, you know, it’s a little touch-and-go, but I think he’s going to be okay. But just to be sure, we brought in a great cat man from Chicago. He’s going to take a good look at him and everything’s going to be all right.’

“Then the next day, I’d call and say, ‘Nu with the cat man from Chicago?’