OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (48 page)

BARKING!

Asked Mum if she left ME to cry as a baby. She said, “Never, Hattie. You slept in my bed most nights till you were 4.”

THAT'S why I can't finish my homework!

Gran has been round to see Dimple's mum today!

Apparently Amitabh stopped crying after Gran wrapped him up like a mummy. Mrs Rathod got 3 hours' sleep. This apparently is a MIRACLE!

3 HOURS' SLEEP IS A FORM OF TORTURE!

I can see why Mum didn't let me cry now!

Dimple wants to hire Gran as a part-time nanny. Gran now has the choice of 2 jobs! ARE YOU HEARING THIS, NATHAN?! Gran has written down a few things she believes in:

1. Groups of mums should not be allowed to meet in public places. Gran is sick of going to Starbucks and hearing squawking. She says, “I want to be able to enjoy a latte and a blueberry muffin in peace.”

2. Children should not be given felt-tips until they are 18. They are potentially more damaging to your wallpaper and your health than cigarettes.

3. Dummies dipped in brandy should be used when babies are teething.

4. Children should be at school 52 weeks a year as brains go stale in the holidays.

Has Gran actually ever heard of Social Services?!

Apparently Goose and Megan went to see Amitabh today. He cried. He was really trying to say, “Megan, stop wearing little vintage dresses on very cold days and PUT SOME MORE CLOTHES ON!” LOL!

I find Megan THE MOST annoying woman ON EARTH – even though EVERYONE ELSE, including Dimple and Jen, thinks she's “quite sweet really”.

I should be kind to other women.

Sometimes it's difficult being a feminist.

Gran's worried about Princess. She's really lethargic and has started piddling on the carpets. And she won't even touch the gourmet chicken that Gran cooks for her every day. Gran's going to take her to the vet's in the morning – even though it costs an arm and a leg. Why doesn't the NHS extend to man's best friend?

Princess has been diagnosed as “jealous of a newborn”. That's why she is depressed. Apparently first-borns often regress when a new baby comes into the mix.

Nathan has been doing it all his life.

Princess has been referred to a pet psychologist. Gran thinks she needs it. This is Gran, who thinks psychiatrists who treat humans should be banned and that people “need to just pull themselves together like a decent pair of curtains”.

OMG – pet psychologists are NOT available on the NHS either. You have to PAY for them! AND they cost a fortune. Gran says she wants Mum to consider remortgaging the house just to help her out.

Mum says she refuses to help “the diva pooch”. Gran then had this MASSIVE row that the whole street must have heard.

When you hear conversations like this you can tell why I mess up EVERYTHING with men.

Gran has decided to sell her jewellery to pay for Princess's treatment. THAT IS MY INHERITANCE. HOW DARE SHE?

Just remembered what Gran's jewellery is like. She can do what she wants!