OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (22 page)

My brother is such a GO-GETTER!

HE got up about noon. That's like 6 a.m. for him! When I asked him what he was going to do for the rest of the day, he said, “What's it got to do with you, Tatty?!” (the not-funny name he calls me).

Then Nathan did NOTHING all day except eat 2-finger Kit Kats and watch the
Antiques Roadshow
while playing “Guess how much it's worth” and “Will the old bag bringing it be disappointed” with Rob!

I don't think that is a skills requirement for any job except for being a TV collectables expert AND they make you wash before you go in front of the camera. That means Nathan is out – LOL!

We were talking about careers today at school. Dimple is definitely going to university. Can I even afford to go? Weirdo Jen wants to open her own “retail venture” (that's what you call a shop if you want to get a bank to give you money, her dad says). MGK wants to be a fashion buyer. Dibbo Hannah said, “You already are – you get stuff from the Internet, don't you?!”

LOL! We all agreed Dibbo Hannah should be a stand-up comedian!

Dibbo Hannah wasn't trying to be funny, BTW – she was just being Dibbo Hannah.

I'm still not quite sure what I want to do.

Nathan is watching
Lady and the Tramp
in his room. The good thing is, Nathan has proved you can just stay here with Mum basically for ever until you decide what you REALLY want to do.

AMAZEBALLS!

Gran has an interview at the supermarket around the corner. The manager wants to see her as he thinks she's just the sort of person he's looking for!

So the manager is looking for old ladies with mad dogs who don't know what to do with vajazzles.

That doesn't sound good for Nathan.

Gran has got the job! Apparently the supermarket like people of a mature age as “they know how to work hard, whereas young people think it all arrives on a plate in life”.

Gran is thrilled – she gets a 15% off discount staff card and has to wear BRIGHT red every day. She said, “My shirt is in ‘Cherry Dream'. It makes me look fabulous. I may be nearly 70 but the truth is, Hattie, men still find me fascinating.”

OMG – I WISH I WAS!

I've just been to see Goose. He thinks Gran is taking a job off a young person who really needs it. This may be true but when I told Nathan that Gran had got a job he texted her a “Congratulations” message! He's not bothered that he has missed out on being employed. He's just glad he's not filling the fresh produce counter with carrots and Gran is!

Goose is grumpy a lot these days. A lot. I just seem to annoy him. Whatever I do. Why do I even bother?

Gran just told me she won't be “replenishing stock” – she'll be operating the lottery machine and selling cigarettes in the kiosk. “I don't do heavy lifting, Hattie – I'll leave that to the tiny number of young people who have decided they do want to work!”

I've noticed everybody over 30 has a really nasty streak and thinks they have had it really hard. I'm never going to end up like that. I'll always be nice to teenagers. I'll never forget how MENTAL it all is. I will never forget the trauma of watching a gran make her dog pretend she is a customer wanting to buy a multi-entry lottery ticket on a triple rollover week.

I just asked Gran what she will miss about her life whilst she is at work. Gran said, “I will miss going to funerals, Hattie. I go to funerals to get ideas.”

Like I say, I will NEVER forget.

Gran is being sent on a vegetable and fruit recognition course today. It's standard supermarket procedure apparently. No matter what department you work in you have to know a pomegranate from a sweet potato.

Gran just texted:

I should be thinking about MY future, not directing Gran on dessert.

Everybody was talking today about what they are doing at the weekend.

Dimple – helping her mum put the new cot together.

Weirdo Jen – going out with Simon for a “paranormal tour” – aka “snogging”.

MGK – clothes shopping with her mum and her “stepdad's big credit card”. (She did a rubbish little giggle – ARGH!!!)

Mum – hot Bath.
Good Housekeeping
. Glass of Pinot Noir.

Goose and Rob – boot sale (Rob doesn't annoy him).

Nathan – playing snooker with his mate, Mo.

Gran – supermarket social night.

Hattie – nothing. NOTHING.

Just moaned to Mum. She said that the “world is at my feet” and I should go off and do something. Then she asked, “Are you too old to be a Brownie, Hattie?”

Yes, Mum.

She suggested Brownies after a bath and a red wine. Sometimes she can have 5 baths in one weekend.

Dimple just messaged me a photo of a cot. I love you, Dimple, but it is just basically a cot. You put a baby in it. Whoop-de-doo.

I NEED PASH! I'm getting baby-bored middle-aged conversations before I've even had the HOT snogging.

Just tried having a long bath. It's boring. I ended up looking at my feet for about 10 minutes. They are foul. I think I can live with my tiny boobs but my feet are TOTALLY deformed.

OMG – according to a web page I just found toe cleavage is as important as breast cleavage and surgery CAN make my feet prettier.

The page doesn't give the price of the surgery but it must be more than the £12.68 I've got left from my Christmas money.

Text from Jen:

Ghosts may be dead but at least they just get to float without worrying about how their feet look in pumps.

Gran just rang my mob to say that the supermarket do was totally craptacular. For 400 people there were 3 plates of ribs, 2 platters of chicken and 2 bowls of fries. PLUS the Tom Jones impersonator only knew 3 songs. Gran had to leave – she was livid. She said, “If people pay good money they should get more than some middle-aged man in a wig threatening to make himself a prime contender for a hip replacement. I've had a better buffet at a…”

Funeral. YES, WE KNOW, Gran.

Why do old people talk about death ALL of the time?!

Old people AND Weirdo Jen.