“I know, I just can’t help not let him in. I swear he comes in with his bulldozer and just keeps at me. And watching him with Emmerson melts my heart.”
“Tell me how he makes you feel. Not that I’m not happy that he’s great with Emmerson, but I want to know how he is with you.”
“He’s been amazing. He drives me home anytime we work together and he’s always such a gentleman walking me to my door, making sure I get in okay. No doubt that’s why Grams loves him.” I pause to take a drink, the caramel hitting my tongue and exciting my taste buds.
“I bet that has a lot to do with it, for sure,” Hillary nods.
“He’s pretty fantastic, Hillary. Maybe one day you can meet him.”
“I’d love that, Braun. I really would. I like what I’m seeing in you today. It’s about time, sweetheart.”
I’m grinning like the fool that I totally am, I’m realizing, as I talk about how I’m so smitten for Levi.
“I think he’d do anything for me. Like, I feel safe with him. He’s intense, but he means well, that’s for sure. Like, get this,” I shake my head before continuing, “there’ve been a few nights where he’s been off, but shown up just in time to drive me home, conveniently forgetting something he needed or going so far as to say he had work to do. He’s very sweet,” I gush, before going on about how last week when we worked together, it was so dead that he decided that he and I were leaving. Luke was happy to oversee things if it meant Levi was leaving with me. Levi and I ended up going across the street to Sal’s diner to have a burger and a game of ‘jukeboozebox-songbeats-while-we-eats’, at eleven-thirty at night. I’ve loved our alone time, where we’ve talked about everything and anything. It’s amazing how connected I feel to him.
I offer a big sigh after sharing all that with Hillary. “What can possibly be wrong to have you sighing like that? He sounds wonderful,” she says.
“I need to tell him all about Shawn before I make any kind of move for more. I feel like he needs to know how messed up I am, you know?” I shrink in my seat, worrying my lip, contemplating his reaction. I don’t want him to think that he’s simply a replacement for someone Emmerson and I never really had: a constant, a support, a lover…a father.
“Oh, please. You are not messed up,” she scolds, giving me a stern look. “Everything you’re feeling is normal. And let me tell you something else. It’s about damned time, sweetie, it’s about damned time. You have every right to be happy, to take something good for yourself. There isn’t a thing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, I encourage you to move on this, and I know your Grams approves. She and I met last week and she told me what a well-put-together sexy beast of man-candy he was, and I quote. That woman makes me howl. I think you’re in good hands, Braun. Just follow your heart and continue to let go. Trust yourself, trust him, and trust Shawn to look over you. You’ve always been so convinced he’s been guiding you; don’t stop that now just because it makes you nervous to believe it this time. It’s been over four years. You have needs and you can’t keep battling yourself. End the war, let yourself win.”
Letting out a deep breath, I wipe the tears that have pooled while taking in her words. I know she’s right, and this time I’m ready to agree. I
am
deserving of my own happily ever after, and it feels amazing.
Levi
N
odding to the
hostess, Avery, I point Finn out before heading his way. We’re meeting at Sal’s for lunch. According to Finn, I owe him a meal, and today’s the day he’s decided I’m paying up. Bastard’s lucky I’m free.
“Hey, asshole, thanks for the invite to treat you to lunch. It’s good to see ya,” I say.
“Yeah, well, nice ditch there last week! Figured lunch might soften the blow to my wounded heart.” He holds his hand to his chest for effect. “What the fuck is going on with you, dude?” Finn asks, his tone somewhat serious, but I know he is more than aware that Braunwyn has been my top priority the past few weeks. I know this because my douche-of-a-brother created a Facebook group called “Levi’s a Goner, it’s OFFICIAL”. If I would have known what a little shit he’d be, I would have fucked with him about Kat too.
Little bastard.
“Whatever, man.” I hang my jacket before taking a seat across from him in my regular booth, just as Sal arrives with the coffee pot.
“Well, well, well. Looks like someone’s decided to grace us with his presence once again. Lou and I were starting to think we’d finally lost you to that pub forever.” She nods out the window.
Finn reaches for the cream while he continues to hurl his remarks about my being MIA. “Nah, Sal, we’ve finally lost him to what we all
assume
is a real live girl with some sort magic puss—”
Finn doesn’t finish that sentence, as Sal swats him upside the head.
“Right—ahem—I mean we’ve lost him, it would seem, to a—from what Ryker has told us—to a
special woman,
who must be something special to make Levi choose to spend what little time he takes away from the pub with her, causing him to neglect his own crew of dudes in the process.”
“Ahh, good for you, Levi. I hope it’s that pretty little thing you brought in here. You can do a lot better than this dick here,” she disses Finn. “I’ll bring your usual out in a few.” She laughs over her shoulder at the shocked expression on Finn’s face.
“Damn, that woman is batshit crazy. I can’t say ‘pussy’, but she can call me a dick. The nerve.” Finn shakes his head before taking a sip. “Okay, in all seriousness, man, what gives? We haven’t seen you in over two weeks. Even for you, that’s a long time. And Luke says you’ve been taking regular days off. What the fuck’s going on, dude?”
Running my hands through my hair, I contemplate how much to get into with Finn. Don’t get me wrong, I trust him full-on, but what if this thing with Braun doesn’t go the way I want it to? I’ve never brought chicks around my friends; in fact, none of us have. We hang out, we might pick up together, but it’s not like any of us does the couples thing. The last thing I need is to put my shit out there then be made to look like a real pussy when I can’t seal the deal.
“Yeah, I know, man. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you. I’m just figuring this shit out, for now. I’ve never felt like this before.” And right there, I know I should have kept my mouth shut. I stare at him, hoping the jerk will let it slide, but, of course, this is Finn and there’s no fucking way he can cut me any slack.
“Ohh, is our wittle Wevi in wooovvve?” he muses, and I swear I’m gonna punch him in the face.
“Naw, she’s just…different. We’re just friends. We hang out, it’s all good. I just tend to like her company more than yours, to be honest. I mean why surround myself with an ugly bastard like yourself when I can hang with a hottie?” I deadpan, knowing that will get his attention.
“Ha, whatever, buddy, you love me and you know it. Now, all fucking around aside, tell me what’s up.”
I sigh. “It’s Braun. Shit with her is messin’ with my head,” I admit. “I’m feeling shit for her I’ve never felt before, it’s crazy. The fucked up thing is I know she’s holding a part of herself back from me, like she’s scared to fully trust me, to break our Trump Pact.”
“Trump Pact? What the fuck is that, dude?” he asks, shaking his head. “Do I even want to know?”
“Shut up, man. I’m sharing here.” I laugh at how fucked I am.
Totally fucked.
I mean, I’m an absolute goner for this girl and I need to wrap my head around how I can get her to admit that she’s just as much of a goner for me too.
“Seems like you’ve got the makings of a good thing here, brother. Just don’t fuck it up. But I can’t believe you still want her, even, knowing she has a kid.”
“Hey, hey, watch it. Offside. She’s a really nice kid.”
“Sure, but you need to watch that, bud, that shit can get messy. Besides, don’t you want your own kids? Does she want any more? Not saying you’re walking down to the altar anytime soon, but, shit, she’s a mom. Those chicks think on a whole other level when their kid is involved.”
“I know,” I sigh. The whole kid thing has been weighing heavily on my mind, but I like having Scooby around. I like taking her out to do things, watching her get excited when she sees me. Fuck, this shit is messed up.
“Have you given this the amount of thought you should? Don’t get me wrong, I like kids, but this chick is like insta-family. You sure you want that? I mean that is a whole world you know shit about. Not to mention an expensive one. The upkeep can’t be cheap. They need diapers, cute little clothes to hide their horns and special food and shit too—”
I cut him off: “You’re an idiot, Finn. Emmerson’s four, she eats regular food and is potty-trained, and what the fuck? Horns, man? Thank fuck this is me, not you. You’d never stand a chance. The kid would eat you alive. So would the chick, for that matter. I mean, after all, they think on a different level and shit, right?” I chuckle, looking at the stupid expression on his face.
Gotcha, bastard
.
“Just you wait, man. This isn’t like taking your little cousins out for the day or to a game, bro. You don’t get to drop this one off at home when you’ve had enough. I hope you think this through, is all. Just doin’ my part as the best bff ever,” he says, using his best Valley Girl impression.
“Trust me, it’s all I think about. I just gotta get the rest of the story from Braun, make sure I know everything before I jump in head first. Well, more than I already have, anyway. Fuck, this makes me sound like a pussy, eh?”
Finn just laughs. “No more than normal, my friend, no more than normal. Always knew you had a vagina under all those tatts.”
“Ah-hahhh. You
kill
me. As for what the story is with the father, I’m telling you, Finn, this little girl is so goddamn sweet, I wanna find that tool of a father and smack him upside the head for giving them up. And also give him a thanks at the same time, ’cause I’ll gladly take over. You know. I’d welcome the chance.”
“No, I don’t have a clue, Levi, but it sounds like you got this man. Sounds like you’re in an okay spot, there. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t so caught up in getting your dick wet in some pussy you think is magical or something that you’d bitten off more than you can chew, is all. Just know, though, man, after all is said and done, I really am happy for you. I hope it all works out.”
We end up making plans to go to a Leafs game next week. And once my therapy session is over, he opens up to me about his own little dilemma. Turns out he may be joining Club Goner too. Fuck me; look at us growing up into mature men. Apparently, Finn’s got his own little at-work hottie that he, too, can’t seem to get out of his head despite all his efforts to convince himself it’s a bad idea. We chat a bit more about his restaurant, about how things didn’t last with Zoey, and a few others. We chat about this new chick—London—who seems to have quickly rooted herself into his brain.
Braunwyn’s best friend is named London. I’ll have to ask her if it could be her.
As I listen to him telling me about her, all I think about are Ryker’s words from a while back. His theory about how once the right woman gets into your mind, you’re as good as gone. I guess my little brother is smarter than I gave him credit for, not that I would ever tell him.
Braunwyn
A
fter my talk
with Hillary, I decide it’s time to give Levi and I a chance.
To use my trump card.
I hope that he’s as game for this change as I am. I have a strong feeling that he’s waiting for me to break our Trump Pact. I mean, we flirt and we’ve had a few stolen moments here and there—including the dry-humping in the storage room, before I got inside my own head, confusing not only Levi but myself. Since that day, we’ve been strictly platonic, nothing more than two people hanging out as the best of friends. But tonight, I hope to change that. Tonight I hope to
trump
it all.
Since the last few weeks of having Levi in both Emmerson’s and my lives, I’ve realized that I have strong feelings for him, like, way beyond normal “friend feelings”. As much as I might be afraid to put myself out there, it’s time. I want more with him. I’ve spent enough time reflecting on it. I’m learning to accept that it’s okay to let another man into my life and I want that man to be Levi.
Now to tell him.
Gah, I hope I can go through with it.
I’ve devised this whole plan to talk to him tonight after the bar closes, now I just have to build up the courage to actually go through with it.
Over the past few weeks, we’ve spent at least one or two days each week together, and he’s been incredible. We have a lot of fun together and he’s amazing with Emmerson. He’s always trying to think of fun things for us to do when he’s going to hang out with us. He’s taken us to the Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto as well as the Children’s Museum. Despite all the fun we had at those places, I think the three of us have enjoyed most of all the nights where we’ve cooked dinner at home, and watched movies while having popcorn loaded with butter and salt.
I’ve never made a move on a guy before. God, I hope I’ve been reading him right, that after friend-zoning him, he’ll still want more with me. I think he does, but the doubt is still there, looming.
I take a deep breath, running the lines I’ve been rehearsing over and over in my head all afternoon. “You can do this, you can totally do this,” I repeat, as I fix a few wayward strands of hair.
It’s Ladies’ Night at Pub Fiction tonight and London, Lucy, Brooke, some other friends of Brooke’s, and I are all heading there for a good time. We’ve been talking about going out for what feels like ages, and tonight it finally worked that we were all available. I’m actually pretty excited to go out and cut loose and have a great time with my friends.
See?
Another first for the new me, cutting loose with the girls…yay, me! But as much as I’m looking forward to a night out, I’m a nervous wreck on the inside. I’m going to lay my cards out to Levi.
“You look fucking smokin’, Braun. I love that shirt,” London says, as she enters my room, beers in hand.