“Ma, I come home every day to make you lunch, don’t I? You’ve got to wait for me. Someday, you’ll set the house on fire.”
“Oh Tony, sometimes I forget.”
A few weeks later, his worst fear came true. He came home to see fire trucks in the driveway and smoke through the kitchen windows. Getting out of his car, he screamed, “Where’s my mother and my dog?”
“They’re at your neighbor’s house.” The fireman pointed to the house next door. “It seems a tea kettle started it.”
“Thank you. I’ve got to go check my mother.” He ran to the neighbor’s house, where Bailey greeted him at the door, tail wagging. Anna sat in the living room, trembling. When she saw Tony, she said, “I’m sorry. I wanted tea this morning. I must have forgotten the kettle was on.”
“Ma, it’s okay, as long as you’re okay.” Bailey was glued to his hip.
Tony contacted Elder Services and discussed options for both of their safety. With much sadness, he entered his mother’s name on the waiting list at the best nursing homes in the area. When the first opening occurred, he packed his mother’s belongings and sorrowfully took her to her new home. He helped her settle in and before leaving he said, “Ma, you call my cell whenever you need me. I’m down the street. Do you understand me? I’ll visit you all the time, I promise. I love you, Ma.”
“You’re a good boy,” his mother told him. He kissed her forehead and left.
February 2006
Jackie sat at Gina’s kitchen island peeling carrots for their usual Sunday dinner. “So Uncle Paul tells me he’s coming for dessert this afternoon with Grammy?”
“Yeah, I invited the Bakers too,” Gina said, washing her hands at the kitchen sink.
“Really? That’s unusual. I noticed champagne in the fridge too. What’s the occasion?” Jackie asked, gathering the peels for the disposal.
“Nothing special.”
She eyed her daughter. “Oh please, you think you can fool me? You’re hiding something. Oh my God, you’re pregnant! That’s it, isn’t it? You’re pregnant!”
Gina turned to face her mother, a huge smile on her face. “I am! Three months.”
Jackie dashed around the island to hug her daughter. “How fantastic!”
Leaning against the door frame, watching mother and daughter, John smiled. “I guess she told you.”
Jackie raced over to him, throwing her arms around him. “Thank you for making me such a happy woman.” Tears of happiness sprang to her eyes. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“It killed me not to tell you immediately, but we made a deal to tell the grandparents together because we wanted a video of everyone’s reaction. So you’ll have to act excited all over again.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. A grandchild!” Jackie returned to her work station beaming with joy.
“See John, my mom’s been looking forward to being a grandmother for some time. She says it’ll be all fun and no work. This kid’s in for a
lot
of fun!”
The remainder of the family showed up after dinner. Once everyone was there and champagne glasses were filled, the arrival of the first grandchild was officially announced and reactions were recorded on video. Jackie repeated her performance with ease. The expected date of arrival was August 5.
March 2006
V
isiting Anna at the nursing home, her steel-blue eyes fixed on her grandmother’s, Gina took Anna’s hand. “Nana, John and I have some special news. You’re going to be a great-grandmother.”
Anna’s frail figure barely moved. “Oh dear, that’s wonderful. I only wish your grandfather were here to enjoy meeting his great-grandchild too.” A single tear escaped from her eye.
“I know, Nana.” She patted her grandmother’s hand.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Anna shrieked, struggling to get out of bed. “You’re only sixteen and you’re pregnant? What’s the matter with you? I thought you had a head on those shoulders. Is this the miscreant who did it to you?” She pointed at John. Alarmed, Gina buzzed the nurse. Anna’s rant continued. “If I get my hands on you, I’ll kill you for doing this to my granddaughter. You’ve ruined her life.”
Hearing the ruckus, a nurse ran into the room. “It’s okay, Mrs. Salvucci.” The nurse gently pressed her back into a resting position. “You’re confused. Gina’s a married woman. This is her husband, John. Her pregnancy is good news.” The nurse looked directly into Anna’s faded blue eyes.
“Oh, I’m confused,” she whispered. “I’m so tired.”
“I’m sure Gina and John can come back another time.” The nurse motioned for them to say good-bye.
“Nana, we’re leaving now. You get some sleep. I’ll be back next week.” She bent to kiss her grandmother’s soft cheek. “I love you, Nana.”
“Bye, Anna,” John said. “Take care.”
John was at a loss for comforting words, but rested his arm around Gina’s neck and pulled her toward him for support. She leaned on his shoulder. “I wonder if she’ll even know this baby when it comes,” she said. John hugged her tighter.
July 31, 2007
Tony was walking down the corridor to his mother’s room when a passing nurse said, “Congratulations, Mr. Salvucci,”
He turned. “Excuse me Mona, did you say congratulations?”
“Yes, I did. Congratulations on your bouncing baby granddaughter. Your son-in-law called this morning with a message for your mom.”
“Oh, that’s right. Thanks, Mona.” Tony’s heart wrenched.
I have a granddaughter I’ll never know
. He found Anna perched and alert on the La-Z-Boy recliner he’d bought her for Christmas.
“Ma, Gina had her baby?”
“Oh yes dear, a girl.”
“So, I’m a grandfather.”
Leaving his mother’s room, he walked down the corridor of the nursing home concentrating on the lonely old faces of the residents. He needed to see his granddaughter.
How bad would it be if I visited the hospital and took a quick look? No one has to see me. What harm would that do?
Before he knew it, he was entering Mt. Auburn Hospital’s maternity ward. He got through security saying he was Gina Baker’s father. Stumbling upon the nursery, he scanned the name cards on the side of the observation window. Plucking Baker out of the pack, he slid it in the slot. As the nurse rolled his granddaughter to the window, he felt a tug in his chest.
She’s so innocent, so undamaged
. He stared at each sleepy little feature.
It’s not too late for her.
Approaching the window to view his new daughter, John noticed she was already on display. John walked up to Tony. With legs braced and arms folded, he said, “What the hell are
you
doing here?”
Tony looked at John with pleading eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to intrude. I wanted to get a glimpse of my granddaughter.”
“Why are you so interested in your granddaughter when you didn’t give a crap about your own daughter?”
Tony remained fixated upon the new arrival before him. “I could never make you understand.”
“You’re damned right about that. We’re completely different animals, you and I. I could never look at my newborn daughter, so tiny and helpless, and turn my back on her for the next twenty-nine years. I can’t imagine how anyone abandons his own kid.” John stared at his daughter and shook his head. “I couldn’t live my life if I were missing out on Charlotte’s.”
“Charlotte,” Tony echoed. “Cute name for a cute kid.” He looked John in the eye. “John, what can I say? You’re a wiser man than I am. At this point in my life, I don’t know how I walked out on Gina either. But I did. I don’t expect anyone to understand. All I can say is that I was a coward and perhaps I still am. Poor defense, huh?” Tony patted John’s back. “Hey, you’ve got a beautiful kid there. Congratulations.” He walked away, shoulders slumped.
Lucille, Paul, Vic and Karen were leaving as John entered Gina’s room. Flower arrangements filled every inch of counter space. John bent to kiss Lucille. “Congratulations, Great-Grandma.”
Lucille beamed her dazzling smile and took John’s face in both her hands. “Congratulations to you. What a beautiful little family you have.”
John shook hands with Vic and Paul.
“Hey we gotta run. Come on, Ma.” Paul helped his mother from her chair. “Congratulations to both of you. Charlotte’s gorgeous.”
After Paul and Lucille left the room, John took a seat beside his wife’s bed. “Guess what?”
“You love me.” Gina closed the
Parents
magazine she was about to browse.
“Well, that’s a given.” He took her hand. “I just saw Tony at the nursery viewing Charlotte.”
Gina winced. “You’re putting me on, right?”
“Nope. I talked to him about being a father.”
“Must have been a short conversation.”
Jackie burst into the room with balloons and a full-size stuffed Elmo. “Hi honey. Hi John. I saw Lucille and Paul …” She stopped and looked from one to the other. Am I interrupting something?” She leaned over to give her daughter a kiss and handed her a bag. “Jolly Ranchers for you.”
“I was telling Gina that I saw Tony at the nursery a few minutes ago.
“Tony?”
“Yup. He’s one hurting bastard. It’s kind of pathetic. I almost didn’t recognize him. He looks ten years older than when I saw him at Louie’s wake.”
“Not you too,” Gina moaned. “What
is
it with you people? He abandoned us for Chrissake. Mom, don’t you remember the shit he put you through? That bastard. I remember every Christmas and birthday that passed without so much as a card from that asshole who lived on the other side of town. I remember when I was in grammar school, making those Father’s Day gifts and pretending I had a father to give them to. You two fools can be all melancholy. But as far as I’m concerned, he can rot in hell.”
“Gina, honey, don’t get so upset. You’re trembling. Of course I remember. But it seems like a lifetime ago.” Jackie was surprised to realize how bad she felt for Tony. “Honey, I haven’t forgotten. But I’ve forgiven him. He screwed up, big time. No doubt. But does he have to pay for it for the rest of his life? I believe in absolution. I always thought that if Tony regretted his abandonment, I’d enjoy his suffering. I was wrong.
This
is depressing.”
August 2007
Charlotte Jacqueline Baker came home from the hospital on August 3. The new little family was ecstatic. Jackie picked up their mail on the way in. “Gina, there’s lots of cards and letters here.” She entered the living room, handing the stack to her daughter.
While John unpacked the car, Jackie took the baby to the nursery leaving Gina to scan the mail. When she returned, Gina was crying on the sofa. “Oh, what’s wrong,” Jackie asked, taking a seat beside her. Gina handed her mother a letter and rested her head on her shoulder.
Dearest Gina,
Charlotte is gorgeous. Congratulations! I hope you were not offended further by my appearance at the hospital. I couldn’t help myself.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past years examining the choices I’ve made in my life. Carmella’s attack woke me up. My father’s death stunned me. And my mother’s decline has been heart-wrenching. Now, I feel abandoned. In that feeling I think of you. You are familiar with abandonment, a feeling I inflicted upon you. For that, I’m so sorry. I was a foolish young man.
I cannot explain away my actions. I can only admit that I was wrong. At first, when you were born, anger drove me away. I can’t imagine my logic now, when I look at your beautiful, innocent little girl. Nonetheless, I was angry with your mother over things that had nothing to do with you and in hindsight, had little to do with her. Through your early years, I was poisoned by senseless resentment. Out of my need to control, I left you both not once, but twice.
I will always admire your mother for the wonder of you. Watching you at my father’s wake and funeral and meeting the impressive man you chose to marry, I see you have grown into a remarkable young woman for whom I can take no credit, much to my own chagrin.
I’m becoming a lonely old man, which is most likely the fate you believe I deserve. For many years now, I have carried so much remorse in my heart. I’ve regretted since you were ten that I didn’t claim you in my life. But I feared that too much time had gone by and too much damage had been done. As time passed, the ache in my heart never diminished and more damage was inevitably done.
Now I’m a grandfather, if only biologically. It would be pompous of me to think that I can make this request and you will open your life to me. But it would be more foolish of me not to make the request. I cannot let any more time slip by. There is so much of your life in front of you, Gina, and the entire life of my granddaughter. I know I can never make up the time we’ve lost. But I’m hoping that I can share in Charlotte’s life and in your future. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
With deepest sincerity and love,
Tony
Removing her reading glasses, Jackie put the letter on the coffee table and sighed. “Tony always had a way with words when he wanted to.”
Gina sniffled. “Mom, what should I do?”
“Oh Gina, I can’t tell you what to do. But that was a well-written, poignant letter. And I’m grateful he wrote it, no matter what you decide to do.”
“Do you love him?” Gina asked.
“Now?”
“Yeah, do you still love him now?” Gina wiped her tears.
“I haven’t seen him in years. Sometimes I wonder if I ever loved him. Then, every so often, like now, I realize maybe I have always had a soft spot for him, as you’ve said.” She brushed her daughter’s cropped hair. “Your hair looks so cute cut short; have I told you that?”
“Mom, stay on topic. You talk about me being scattered. Geesh, we’re talking about important things here. Do you think this letter’s sincere?”
“Well, how could anyone write a letter like that without having the feelings to pour into it? But Tony
is
a salesman and knows how to say all the right words to get what he wants. On the other hand, I believe he may have legitimately changed. Aging and loneliness can do incredible things to a person. He may realize how badly he screwed up with you and honestly regret it. It seems that way.”
“What I should do?”
“Gina, it’s your decision to make. You need to ask yourself if you want to know your father.”