“A pretty good question, after all. Well, I’ll never forget the hurtful things that happened between us. But it feels like another lifetime. And when we were at the park, if I didn’t think of the hurtful stuff, I enjoyed being with you again. Our wonderful times came back to me live and in color. And being older, I’m settled and independent. I don’t need anything from anyone. I don’t need to be married. I don’t have a future I’m looking to build. My future excites me just as it is. But I can never have too many friends. I’m reminded of a Facebook post I saw yesterday by Hafez, “
My heart and your heart are very, very old friends.
” That’s the thing about us, you feel like an old friend. So, why not have dinner with an old friend,” Jackie explained, as if to herself.
“That’s nice to hear, Jackie. I couldn’t agree more. How about next Saturday night? I’ll make reservations somewhere nice. I’ll pick you up at six?
“Sounds wonderful. I’ll look forward to it.”
October 2007
J
ackie spent Saturday afternoon reminiscing about the old times with Tony. She recalled greeting Tony at the door of her mother’s house. As she remembered his hello kisses, her heart fluttered. She spent an hour working on her hair and makeup before she slipped into her favorite little black dress. When the doorbell rang at six, she glanced in the mirror, slipped on her open-toe black heels, opened the door, and greeted him with a smile.
“You’re a vision of beauty as usual.” Tony stepped into the foyer.
“Flattery will get you everywhere, as you might recall.”
He kissed her cheek. She was disappointed that it wasn’t the hello kiss she remembered, but respected his decorum. She took her coat out of the closet. He took it from her and held it for her.
“Such a gentleman.” She grabbed her purse. “Where are we off to this evening?”
“I made reservations at the Capital Grille. I hope you’re not disappointed.”
“Disappointed? How could anyone be disappointed with that? I
love
that place.”
“I strive to impress.” He grinned.
“So far, so good.”
On the drive they chatted about her law practice and his position as Vice President of Sales at Bose, and Gina, John, and Charlotte. At the restaurant, Tony had reserved a romantic table by the fireplace and had preordered a bottle of Sonoma-Cutrer Russian River Ranches Chardonnay, which was waiting for them.
“How wonderful. You were always big on advance preparations.” She shuddered as she recalled the Marriott all those years ago.
The waiter uncorked the wine. He poured enough for Tony to taste, and upon Tony’s approval he poured some into each glass. “Would you like to order an appetizer or shall I give you a few minutes?”
“We’ll order an appetizer. Jackie, is that okay with you?”
“Sure, do you want to choose?”
“Okay, let’s order stuffed mushrooms?”
“Yum.”
As they sipped wine, Tony said, “Jackie, I need you to know what these last twenty years have been like for me. After you refused to marry me two decades ago, I was so crushed that I went directly to Carmella and asked her to marry me. I gave her the engagement ring I bought you.”
Holding her wine glass between both hands, Jackie chuckled.
“I should be ashamed, I know. But I was desperate,” Tony recalled. “I was so desperate to get over you. Luke and Pat were getting married, which made it worse. I felt like I was being left behind. Carmella was there. She never questioned my motives. So we eventually married. I hoped, although it was crazy to believe, that marrying Carmella would change everything and I’d finally forget you and Gina. But of course, as soon as we came home from the honeymoon, Carmella was obsessed with you and Gina, but mostly you. Retrospectively, I think she always knew deep down that I never loved her the way I loved you. And it got worse when we found that we couldn’t have children. We both wanted kids so badly. For me, I hoped having kids would fill the gaping hole in my gut.” Tony took another sip of wine. “It’s obviously best that we couldn’t have children. Anyway, then Luke and Pat had kids. That rubbed salt in the wound. Their kids reminded me of Gina. Each time their kids hugged them or said I love you, I thought of what I was missing with Gina. In the meantime, my parents updated me and showed me Gina’s pictures. They thought they were helping, but really, that too added salt to the wound. They’d encourage me to contact you or see Gina. But I couldn’t.”
Jackie observed Tony’s pained expression as he relived his experience. She was astounded because she had been oblivious to his side of the story.
“I kept trying to make my marriage to Carmella work. When I got laid off, Carmella demanded that I take you to court. I tried to explain that I could call you and we’d work it out. But she insisted and called a lawyer her father knew. Anyway, we know how that turned out.” He smiled. “Seeing you that day, I swear I heard our hearts collide. It threw me for a loop! I fell in love with you all over again. I was so riveted by my feelings for you that I stayed with my parents for a few days. But again, I felt stuck. What could I do? I wasn’t sure how you felt and I was still married to Carmella. Ultimately, I decided to keep my commitment to Carmella.
“Our marriage had become something of a charade. But it was tolerable … until the accident. I’ll never forget the day the police knocked at the door and told me what happened. She was in our bedroom. I went to get her, and there she was humming to herself, brushing her hair in the mirror as if she lived in a fantasy world. My blood ran cold. I could have killed her. I swear I would’ve if the cops hadn’t hauled her away. I called my parents to see if they knew anything about Gina’s condition. Of course, they didn’t. So, I went to the hospital to check on Gina myself.”
Jackie was stunned. “You did? Why didn’t I see you?”
“Oh, I saw
you
from the elevator bank. I wanted desperately to comfort you and apologize profusely to both you and Gina for everything. But I knew that was impossible. I spoke to the doctor about her condition. He called me Mr. Martin.” Tony chuckled. “That was a knife to the heart. I left feeling horrible and worried sick about Gina.”
Jackie took another sip of wine.
“Then my dad died. That was a kick in the ass. Not only had I lost my best friend, but losing a parent shakes your soul on so many levels. You begin to face your own mortality. Seeing you and Gina at the funeral was jolting. And Gina’s reaction was another punch in the gut. After that I was forced to assess my life and that assessment was dismal. When Gina got married, it was another blow. Luke’s daughter was getting married at the same time. I knew what a big deal it was. He talked about how emotional it was to walk her down the aisle.
“My daughter was getting married, and I couldn’t have been more insignificant. I watched her ceremony from the back of the church. I slipped in after everyone was there and watched through the doors. I saw you sitting next to my mother. You were more beautiful than I’d ever seen you.”
Jackie sat mesmerized.
“Soon after that, my mom started to fail. Our roles switched so that I had to take care of her. That was tough too. I mean, I was a pretty spoiled kid. But here I was pushing sixty, missing my father terribly, and taking care of my mother like she was the child. I felt completely abandoned. Other people my age had wives and kids or even brothers or sisters. I had only my buddy Bailey. I was so depressed after my mother went into the nursing home, my doctor prescribed anti-depressants and a therapist.”
“Did that help?” He’s been lurking in the background all these years?
“Seeing a therapist was probably the best thing I’ve done for myself. I reconciled my life and the decisions I made and took full responsibility. I was immature and stupid when I abandoned you and Gina. Each year that passed made it more difficult to repair the damage. Then all my defenses shattered the day I heard Charlotte was born. Suddenly, I was fearless. I decided not waste another day. She was a new beginning, my new beginning. I couldn’t accept anything else. And you heeded my prayers when you let me meet my granddaughter. Whatever your reason, I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to make amends. I’ve prayed about this for years to the point where it almost seems surreal to be sitting on the opposite side of the table from you.”
“Tony, I assumed you had left us without a thought and that you were happily married, more or less. Although I didn’t understand it, I thought you moved on. When you first left me, I prayed that one day you’d regret your choices. When you left us the second time, you hurt Gina too and I wanted to bash your knees with a baseball bat. Or kick you in the balls with cleats. If the opportunity had presented itself, I could’ve pulled a Carmella and run you down with my car.” They both laughed.
“I couldn’t imagine forgiving you. But the truth was the more remorseful you became, the sadder I felt. Not just for you, for all of us. Maybe it’s because I never hated you. Maybe it’s because I understand how a grandchild changes everything. Maybe it’s because watching someone suffer isn’t something I can enjoy no matter what. In reality, revenge does not taste sweet.”
“Or maybe it’s because you’re a generous person who found it in her heart to forgive an old fool.” He reached for her hand.
“Tony, I’d like to say it was a selfless act. But the fact is, forgiveness isn’t only a gift I gave you, it’s a gift I gave myself. I hope Gina can eventually do the same.”
“Me too, with all my heart.” He raised his glass. “To forgiveness and new beginnings.” Their glassed clinked.
The waiter delivered the mushrooms and topped off their wine glasses. “Would you like to order your entrees, now?”
“If you don’t mind Jackie, may I order for you?
“Go for it.”
“We’ll have one baked stuffed lobster and one ribeye on the bone, medium, with a side of grilled asparagus.” He turned to Jackie. “Any changes or additions?”
“Impressive! No changes.”
*
As Tony parked in front of Jackie’s townhouse, she asked, “Want to come in for coffee or a nightcap?”
“I’d love to.”
Jackie took Tony’s coat and hung it in the closet. When she turned to go into the living room, he put his arms around her waist. Their eyes locked. “May I kiss you?”
“Yes please.”
Putting both his hands on her face, he kissed her with great tenderness. She took his hand and led him to the living room where she clicked on Pandora Love Songs Radio. Bryan Adams sang “Please Forgive Me.”
“Would you like a nightcap? Or coffee with Grand Mariner?”
“Not now.” He took her hand and pulled her close. “Let’s dance.” Without a word they danced, listening to the lyrics. “Thank you for forgiving me, Jackie. You’ve always been the love of my life.” Her eyes filled with tears. As the song faded, they stayed in each other’s arms, slow dancing. He wiped her tears with his thumbs. Jackie took his hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom. They spent the night in the bliss of their rekindled love.
*
In the morning, Jackie awoke with Tony’s arm around her shoulders. “Good morning,” he said with a loving grin. “I’m reeling from last night.”
She kissed him. “It was wonderful. I saw Facebook post the other day that made me think of us. ‘
Two past lovers who can be friends are either still in love or they never were
.’ That explains everything, don’t you think?”
“It’s quite profound actually, and true.”
“It is, I know! Speaking of Facebook, I’ll send you an invite. Then you can see fresh off the press pics of Charlotte.”
“That’s a great idea. Though I admit I’ve visited your pages several times over the years. It was so painful at one point, I thought of deleting my page. Instead I stopped spying. Speaking of Gina, how will we explain
this
?”
Jackie grimaced. “Hum, good question. I’m not good at keeping secrets from Gina. But I’ll have to keep this quiet, until the time’s right. Let’s go downstairs. I’ll make coffee and breakfast.”
Jackie put Allison Krauss radio on Pandora. “I hope you don’t mind some country? I love Allison Krauss.”
“Jackie there’s nothing you could do or listen to that could bother me. I’m a happy man.”
“Aww.” She kissed him sweetly. “Let’s make breakfast.” Working together in the kitchen, he prepared a ham and cheese omelet. He made coffee and toasted English muffins.
“Next weekend, wanna go out on the harbor?” he asked.
“I’d love to!”
*
Jackie greeted Tony at the door wearing a cowl-neck off-white angora sweater, skinny jeans, and Michael Kors loafers. To her delight, Tony seized her for a hello kiss.
On the way to the marina she updated him on Charlotte’s adorableness. Once on the dock, Tony pointed to his boat, a mid-size cabin cruiser bobbing in the water, with
The Old Buzzard
scrolled across its bow. “Oh my God, Tony, that’s hysterical.” She threw her head back and roared with laughter.
“I’m glad you like it.” He smiled. “Climb aboard, my love.”
The couple cruised down the Charles River discussing Jackie’s conversation with Gina after they met in the park. Swirling her glass of chardonnay, she summarized. “Maybe there’s hope? She didn’t turn off, anyway, and surprisingly, she wasn’t angry either. I think she’s relieved that I was the one to test the waters. That way, she can blame me if you pull another vanishing act.”
“Rest assured, my love, my vanishing days are over. I’ve known for years that you’re the one. I never thought I’d get another chance. I’m so happy to have you and Charlotte and, I hope, Gina in my life; I’m not going anywhere.” Taking Jackie’s hand, he steered the boat with the other. “Thank you, Jackie, for this second chance and for giving me a daughter. I’ve never thanked you for that. And now we have a granddaughter—a piece of our own immortality.”
Back in the harbor, they sipped wine and marveled at the orange, gray, and pink sunset. With their next kiss, she was swept back in time. The rest of the romantic evening was spent making new memories.
*
Tara and Jackie met at their favorite Thai restaurant the following evening. Sinking into the comfortable chairs at Siam Square, they buzzed with the latest news about each other’s lives.