“I don’t need him.”
“I didn’t ask you if you
need
him. I asked you if you want to
know
him.”
“I always thought I knew enough. I learned a lot about him years ago at Nana and Louie’s house. He was such a jerk.”
“No argument. But that was years ago. When people get older and their parents die, they can change a lot. It’s a lonely world when your parents are gone. No matter what age you are, you feel like an orphan. And, the older you are, the stranger it feels because you can’t go around telling people you feel like an orphan when you’re fifty years old. It’s possible that the loneliness Tony feels brought about changes.”
“What should I do, John?” Gina turned to her husband who had finished reading the letter.
“Hey, I’m with Jackie on this one. I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no doubt the guy’s a damned idiot for abandoning his own kid. But I can’t say that he should be doomed to suffer forever. But then again, he didn’t abandon me. Hon, I’ll support whatever you decide. I can’t help you make the decision.”
*
Gina re-read the letter several times over the next few weeks. One afternoon while she and Jackie were having tea, she announced, “Mom, I wrote back to Tony.”
“You did?” Jackie squeezed her tea bag, resting it on a spoon.
“Yup. Want to read it?” She handed a copy to her mother.
Wiping her hands on a napkin, Jackie took the note from her daughter.
Dear Tony,
As you asked, I’ve given your letter a lot of consideration. I’m sorry for whatever pain you feel. But frankly, I don’t trust your new-found desire to be a family man. I believe we’ve been through this before. I was young, but it was a memorable experience.
The only way to know if you’re sincere is to trust you. And that’s what I can’t seem to do. My life is happy. I have a loving husband and we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter. My mother is my forever strength. I have wonderful friends. I don’t need any complications that would dredge up a painful past.
I’m truly sorry Tony that you realized this now, when it is way too late.
Sincerely,
Gina
October 2007
A
few months later, when Jackie got home from work. Putting her laptop and purse down, she noticed the light flashing on her land line. Taking the handset, she sat on the couch to check her messages.
“Hi Jackie, it’s Tony. I got your phone number from my mother’s address book. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t know what to say except that I need to speak with you. Please return my call. My cell is 781-555-3432.”
Jackie’s heart sank.
Is Anna okay?
Curious, she returned his call.
“Tony, it’s Jackie.”
“Jackie, thanks so much for returning my call.” His heart warmed at the sound of her voice. “How are you?”
“I’m well,” Jackie replied, getting off the couch and heading for the kitchen.
“I’m glad.”
“So Tony, what’s up?” Resting the phone between her shoulder and ear, she grabbed an Annie’s entrée from the freezer.
“I wrote to Gina. I’m sure you heard?”
“I did.”
“She wrote back.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Jackie for the first time in my life, when it comes to Gina, and now Charlotte, I cannot take no for an answer. I just can’t. For so long now, I’ve regretted abandoning Gina. But I didn’t know how to fix it, so I ignored it, stuck in my own inertia. But seeing Charlotte, something inside me changed. I know I’ve made so many irreparable mistakes with Gina. But with Charlotte, it can be a brand-new start.”
“Listen Tony, I’m sorry. I’m truly am
—
”
“Jackie, please hear me out. I don’t want your pity. I need a favor. I know it’s a lot to ask. But could you please bring Charlotte to meet me somewhere? I need to see her and hold her. Ironically, I guess I’m asking you to do what you did for my mother and Gina.
Please
Jackie, please.” His voice trembled.
“Oh Tony, Gina would never speak to me again.”
“Jackie, I know, it’s a huge favor. I know I’m putting you in the middle. But you and Gina are way too close for her never to speak to you again. Please Jackie, I’m begging you.”
She sighed. “I don’t know why I’m agreeing to this, but okay. How about next Saturday? Meet me at the Cove. Gina’s going shopping so I get quality time with the baby. We’ll go to the park and we’ll happen to run into you. Let’s say eleven thirty?”
“That’s great. Thank you, Jackie. I’m indebted to you.”
*
Tony sat on the park bench, scanning the park for the sight of Jackie pushing a baby carriage, imagining how she’d look these days. She came up behind him. “Tony?”
“Jackie!” Startled, he turned and rose from the bench. “It’s so nice to see you.” His heart skipped a beat. She was radiant in her burgundy cashmere coat. He reached to hug her. Peeking inside the baby carriage, his sleeping granddaughter was snuggled under a pink-and-white quilt. “She’s so tiny and so beautiful, like her mom and grandma.” He looked at Jackie and back again at the baby. “Will she wake up while we’re here?” he asked, motioning for her to join him on the bench.
“Oh, she will. Probably soon and she’ll need a bottle.” She parked the carriage and sat beside him.
“Good. I’d like to feed her, if that’s okay.”
“Sure.”
“Jackie, red has always been your color. And being a grandma agrees with you.”
“I love being a grandma! It’s all the fun with little responsibility.” She hesitated. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to
—
”
“Hey Jackie, that’s the reality. It’s your life. You don’t have to pretend for me. I screwed up and I’m paying the price.” His voice was solemn. He leaned over the carriage as Charlotte stirred and opened her eyes. “She’s waking up.”
Jackie checked her granddaughter and picked her up. Handing her to Tony, she asked, “Ready?”
“Absolutely,” Tony responded, taking his granddaughter in his arms. Observing his gentleness as he held and rocked the baby, Jackie was emotionally overwhelmed. She remembered the first time he saw Gina when she was Charlotte’s age. It was hard to believe that rigid young man was the same as this affectionate older man. Jackie handed Tony Charlotte’s bottle and sat quietly on the park bench observing him feeding her.
Jackie broke the silence. “Whatever happened to your parents’ house? Did you sell it?”
“No, I moved back to take care of my mother. When she moved to the nursing home, I stayed. Me and Bailey, my best friend. He’s a seven-year-old yellow lab.”
“Oh, I love dogs, particularly labs. And it’s nice that you kept the house. What about Luke and Rosa, are they still together? Did they have kids?”
He held Charlotte on his shoulder to burp her. “Yup, still together with two kids. Of course, the kids are in their late twenties now. Pat and his wife had two as well. It was tough watching my friends become dads and seeing their relationships grow with their kids.”
“You’re doing well at feeding her. Do you have experience?”
“No. I’m just following her lead. I’m glad it’s okay.”
“Yup, it’s good. You can’t still have
Moonlight
?”
“Oh no. I do still have a boat, but it’s been upgraded.”
“That boat was awesome.”
“We had some great times on that boat.”
“We sure did.” Memories came rushing back.
“Do you still play ping-pong?”
“Oh I haven’t played in years, maybe not since we played at your parents’ house.” She smiled. “Vic got rid of his table years ago. And of course, between raising Gina, going to law school, and working, I didn’t have time. I love that game though. What about you?”
“That same ol’ ping-pong table’s still in our basement. But I never play.”
Jackie smiled, remembering their championship matches. “That was so much fun.”
Charlotte’s grandparents sat for a few minutes in quiet silence, each recalling the warm memories of the days they were in love. But Jackie also remembered the days she took Gina to this same park when she was little, when she’d watch dads pushing their kids on swings and wonder why her kid got gypped. Overwhelmed by memories and feelings, Jackie asked, “Want to go for a walk?”
“Sure. Can I wheel? I’ve never wheeled a baby carriage in my life.”
She secured Charlotte in the carriage. “Sure, there’s nothing to it,” she added with a soft chuckle.
As they began their stroll down the path, Tony asked, “Remember the weekend in Maine? We walked for hours around Short Sands and up over the cliffs.”
“I haven’t thought about that for years.” She sighed. “That was an amazing weekend. We had some great times.”
“We sure did.”
They walked for more than an hour until Jackie realized it was nearing four. “Oh geez, I’ve got to get Charlotte home. Gina will wonder where we’ve been. And what’ll I tell her? Walking down memory lane with Tony?”
“That probably wouldn’t go over well.” They picked up the pace. “I’ll walk you two to your car.”
At Jackie’s car, Tony took her hands and looked into her eyes. “This was so nice, Jackie. Thank you. Time flies when I’m with you, it always has.”
Jackie completely understood. “It was nice, Tony. We’ll do it again.”
*
“What did you and Gramma do this afternoon? Did you have fun?” Gina asked her daughter while smothering her in kisses. She turned to her mother. “What did you two do, Mom? You were gone a while.”
“Oh we went to the Cove.” Jackie was unpacking the baby’s bag.
“Wow, you were there all afternoon?” Handing Charlotte to her mother, Gina said, “Hold her for a sec, will ya?”
“Sure. Yup, all afternoon.” She whispered to Charlotte, “We can’t tell your Mommy who you met today.”
“Did you say something, Mom,” Gina yelled, pulling a pan off a hook over the stove to start pierogis for dinner.
“Oh no. Just talking to this bundle of joy.”
Gina put two glasses of iced tea on the island. “Mom, thanks so much for taking Charlotte today. I’d never have found a dress for John’s sister’s wedding if I had to take her with me. Seriously, you spent all afternoon at the park? When you took me there, we didn’t stay longer than an hour. And I was old enough to swing. What the heck did you do?”
“Oh, I brought bread. We fed the ducks. And sat on the park bench, watching the river flow,” Jackie replied, emptying half a pack of Stevia in her tea and fiddled with the spoon.
Gina watched her mother fiddle. “
You
sat on a bench watching the river flow for
three
hours? I know you better than that! Something’s up. Did you run into someone you know or something?” Gina was surprised by her own question.
“Ah …” Good grief, sometimes I swear she reads my mind.
“I know you were up to something; it’s written all over your face! What were you doing?”
“Gina honey, don’t be mad at me, okay?”
“Why, what did you do?”
“We met Tony at the park.” Jackie winced.
Gina’s eyebrows raised “You did what?”
“We met Tony at the park, Gina. He called me this week. I felt bad for him. Oh, he’s so different. And, I’m not being naïve, stupid, or melancholy. It’s like he’s transformed and yet in some way the same old Tony. Please don’t be mad. I know—”
“It must have meant a lot to you if you went behind my back.”
“It did. He got to me when he said he was basically asking me to do what I did for Nana. Tony and Louie wouldn’t let her see you but I secretly did. That hit me hard. I couldn’t say no.”
“Well, I’m not mad. But I’m not guaranteeing I won’t be mad after I get over the shock. How was it?”
Relieved, Jackie told her daughter how wonderful Tony was with Charlotte and what a delightful afternoon they shared together. “He loved her instantly, Gina. He fed her and wheeled her carriage. And if Charlotte’s cooing was indicative, she enjoyed meeting her grampa.
“That’s more than he did for me.”
“Oh honey, I know. But, no one can change the past. If Tony could change it, he would. I know.” She hesitated. “You know some people make mistakes that don’t matter much. When they realize it, they can utter a quick ‘oops’ or ‘I’m sorry’ and resume their lives as if nothing happened. Other mistakes are huge and have enormous impact. Time brands those mistakes into our hearts and they can’t be altered. All you can do is learn to live with the scars every day of your life. That’s what happened with Tony. I know you have scars. I do too, Gina. I can’t and don’t forget that. But it may be that Tony bears worse scars than either of us. And I feel bad for him, Gina. To me, regret is the worst feeling in the world. It’s got to be horrible to realize that you made such a huge mistake, with life-altering consequences you can never change.”
“I understand that.” Gina stared at the marble countertop. “But I can’t be as forgiving as you. I only know that I grew up without a father. Now this jerk thinks he can prance back into my life and be the father I never had?”
“Oh, I think he knows it’s too late to be your father. He can only be Tony, for whatever that may mean to you. And, if we’re all lucky, maybe he can be a grandpa to Charlotte. It’s not too late for her. It’s what I did for you and Nana and Louie. I gave you a relationship with your grandparents even though a lot of people didn’t understand that. But I gave it a chance and it worked. As a parent, I don’t believe you should take away your child’s chance to be loved. There’s not enough love in the world. Can you imagine your life without Nana and Louie? Maybe someday Charlotte will feel that way about Tony. Who knows?”
*
Later that evening, Jackie’s landline rang and Tony’s number displayed on the screen. She picked up the phone. “Hi Tony.”
“Hi, Jackie.” His voice was tender. “I want to thank you again for today. It was awesome meeting Charlotte and hanging with you. I’ve missed you so much, more than I realized. Would you might have dinner with me Saturday night?”
“Sure, I’d like that.”
“Why?”
Jackie laughed. “Why? What do you mean, why? I said yes!”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted you said yes. But I wonder why. After all these years, after double abandonment, after Carmella, after how badly I treated you so many times, why would you agree to have dinner with me?”