Once Upon a Time: The Villains (12 page)

Now, most don’t know it, but I gets pretty warm. I like the weather cool and England was fair breezy and wet. I wasn’t displeased wit the find at all. But them Englishmen…they aren’t the most pleasant people in the world. It seems they’ve had their run ins wit other men like me. Big men. They call them giants. Now, ever since I was born, I was called lad or son. To hear the people of England scream “Giant!” and run about like chickens in a thunderstorm when I gots near, well…can I say I thought it a right bit of game. Them English are funny.

Did I mention they side toward the unpleasant?

I liked this land of wind and rain and deep green fields. But every time I thought I’d found a good place to set up house, they’d come wit sticks and swords and all sorts of tools and chase me off. Once I even got so far as to build a foundation out of stones I’d brought over from the western coast. I had them in a nice circle — a few stacked atop the others before the Englishmen came. They started throwing rocks at me. I didn’t like that. Them things hurt, and it made me angry. Wit a growl, I picked up one of me stones from the circle and threw it at them. Well, it skipped over the ground, catching a man here, another there before landing in another field in the far distance. Stone after stone I threw as I tried to scatter the little fellows, but they wouldn’t budge. Them Englishmen are persistent little mites. Before long, me foundation was little more than a dozen stones. I seriously had to rethink me plans. Did I really want to stay in a place where the people were so hostile?

I quickly picked up me things, and amid their cheers, headed North. It didn’t seem to matter where I went, the Englishmen were inhospitable. I began to have unkind thoughts about them. I dreamed of boiling them or roasting them and eating them…wit toast. They smelled, those Englishmen did, like leeks and a hint of thyme. I gots so good at detecting their smell that it only took one whiff of the air and I knew if an Englishman were nearby.

One afternoon, while I sat on a boulder overlooking the sea, I noticed an island in the distance. Maybe them Englishmen were scarce over there, so I hitched up me trews and dove in. It were cold as cold could be. As I swam, icicles formed on me eyebrows and in me nose hairs and on me head. By the time I reached the island, the sun hovered low in the sky, and I was fair freezing to death. Shivering, I trod further inland. Do you know, there weren’t a speck of forest on that bit of land? There only be a gnarled piece of wood washed up on the shore, but no thick copse of lovely trees at all. Being a tree man from way back, it were enough to make me eyes tear up. As I looked about, sniffling and wiping me nose on me wet sleeve, a maiden approached. Bold as you please, she got right up near me leg and tugged on me wet trews. I was so surprised, I jumped back and made a hole in the ground where I landed.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” I said to the maid and stepped out of the hole.

Me jump knocked her off her feet, but she quickly stood and brushed off her skirts. She lifted her head; her hair — bright as the sun — framed her speckled face wit springy curls, and her eyes were near as blue as the sky on a good day. They stared up at me, and I couldn’t move. “Who are you?” she asked.

“I’m…well…” What were I to say? Me gaze flittered back and forth, searching fer a who, but I gave up and shrugged. “I guess I’m me.”

She smiled. “That is plain to see. You are you and I am me.”

I frowned. I thought I were me.

She curtseyed. “People call me Essie, and people call you…?”

“Giant,” I said. “People usually scream it, though. I think they think I can’t hear well, but me hearing is pretty good.”

Her smile widened, and when it did, she was right pretty. I smiled back. “Do you live here?”

“I do. With my da and my ma and my three younger brothers.”

I quickly scanned the land and brought me gaze back onto her. “It ain’t much to look at here abouts.”

“Indeed not. And eligible men are scarce.”

I had no idea what that meant, but I nodded so as not to appear rude. “So, is there a place I could lay me head tonight?”

Her eyes twinkled wit mischief I didn’t understand, and she curtseyed again. “Follow me.”

So I did. I followed her over the burns and around the rocks until we came to a squat house wit a lazy bit of smoke spouting from the chimney. I couldn’t fit in there.

“Here we are,” she said, gazing at the house wit a soft look on her face. It were the same look me da gave the forest every time he spied it.

I nodded. “And a beauty it be. Nice and…low. Cozy I suspect.”

“It is. A bit too cozy for the six of us. I’ll be happy to leave and set up house with my new husband.”

“You’s is married?”

She laughed, the sound light and filled wit joy. “Of course I am, silly. I’m married to you.”

Me eyes grew wide, and me brain skittered over the time from when I came ashore to when I found meself staring at that little bump of a house. “Me? Married to you?”

Her countenance suddenly changed, and she put her hands on her hips and faced me. “You’re here aren’t you? And you want a place to sleep, don’t you? And I offered to bring you here, didn’t I?”

I nodded. I was, I do and she did.

“Well then. There you have it. You don’t think a girl like me would accept any man into her home without being married to him, do you?”

Essie certainly sounded like she knew what were what. “I guess not.”

“Certainly not. We’re married and you best not forget it.”

I wouldn’t. But, me heavens, that were right quick. Nobody told me the way of it before. Never would I have guessed that’s how it were done. Wouldn’t Da be proud, though? His little lad, a married man. I stood a wee bit taller and gazed down at me wee, tiny wife.

She cast a curious glance up at me. “Do you wish me to knock on the door?”

Well, to be honest, me brain were getting foggy about now, and me arms felt like lead from the long swim, but I could tell Essie wanted me to meet her folks, so I nodded. “I would.”

Where me Essie were skinny as a bean pole, her da were round like a barrel and her ma were the size of a milk cow past due fer a milking if you gather me meaning. The brothers were a step ladder, one taller than the next, but none so big as to easily climb on me da’s cart. They were a rowdy threesome, those lads, young and bullish, and they all had problems wit their jaw joints. They couldn’t seem to close them properly — especially when they looked me way.

Essie’s father planted his fists on the sides of his protruding belly and boomed, “What manner of husband have you brought to my door, daughter?”

She curtseyed and said, “A goodly sort, father. He makes me happy.”

Her mother tugged on one of Essie’s loose curls and hissed, “Let your father be the judge of that.”

Mother or no, I didn’t much care fer her touching Essie that way, but before I could say somefin, Essie’s father stepped forward and cleared his throat. “And what skill do you offer that will keep the wolves from the door?”

Skills? I knew of only one. “I’m a woodcutter, sir.”

He snorted better than me da’s old sow that liked nofin better than to wallow in the mud. “Well, that will come in handy as we have all these trees around us.”

The brothers punched each other’s arms, the mother giggled into her apron, and Essie frowned at them all.

I looked out over the island, and as far as I could see the only things jutting from the ground were rocks. Plainly there were no trees to cut. I pressed me lips together, a bit concerned how I would break the news to Essie’s obviously blind father.

Essie patted me hand, and looked expectantly up at me. “My husband has more than woodcutting to offer us, don’t you?”

I liked feeling Essie’s hand on mine. Me wife were a good woman. I wanted to please her, make her proud, so I thought fer a moment, and then I remembered the sack of coins Da had given me. I smiled. “I do.” I reached into me vest and pulled out the sack and spilled the coins on the ground. Glittering discs skipped across the cobbles and rain-laden earth. Me wife and her family scattered after the bouncing pieces like kittens after yarn. They were that adorable, they were, tripping over each other that way.

Her father stood, a huge grin on his face. “Well, this surely be something. A fine bride-price for my Essie.” He glanced up at me, his round belly jiggling as he laughed. “Welcome to the family, son.”

So there I be, a married man on a slip of an island wit a new family to call me own. Those that lived near shouted their dislike of me, but me Essie told me not to listen, so I didn’t. I built a stone house wit a stone fireplace and a stone bed where I laid a nice, fresh straw pallet upon it. Me wife cooked and cleaned and mended me clothes, and I searched the streams for rocks that I polished into a deep shine. Looking at them made me happy. I like shiny things. And for a time, we was
all
happy whiling the hours away. I’d never not worked, but if this were how me wife’s family be, then I tried to fit in. But tell you truth, I didn’t much like the island life. I missed the scent of wood. Here, sheep dung heated our home, and baked our bread. Bread just don’t taste the same when it be baked over them droppings, but I could live even wit that. It weren’t what had me tossing and turning in search of sleep. Nay, what bothered me most were Essie’s family. I didn’t like their ways — not one bit. Especially when the money runned out.

Essie’s father likes his bad words. He fouled the air from sunup to sunset wit his hard language worse than the burning poop. Me da would have boxed me ears if I’d have gone speaking like that. The words made me nervous, as if any moment the man would start throwing stones at me. I took to hiding in me house when Essie’s da were about, and that’s where Essie found me.

The door to me house flew open and Essie stuck her head inside. “Da wants a word with you, husband.”

Her eyes pierced me skin. I’d noticed me wife had stopped cooing sweet words to me once the money had grown thin. She were even more wont to snarl than smile. I pursed me lips and looked into the fire. This married life weren’t all that great. “In a while, woman. Me feet are cold.”

“Get up, you worthless Giant and do what you’re told. There’s no rest for the wicked. Now git,” she yelled, pointing out the door.

I sat up straighter at that and kipped me head on the sod ceiling causing dirt to shower down on me. I brushed at the dirt as she hissed at the mess I had made. “I ain’t wicked,” I said.

“Just look at the mess you made. And who’s to clean it up? You?”

“That there is your job, wife.”

She blocked the doorway and light bounced off the angry angles of her face and slipped past her body to blind me. “You make a mess and you don’t clean it up? You’re lazy, sitting here day after day doing nothing. Wicked as can be.”

I scrunched me brows together in deep thought…well…as deep as me thoughts could get and stared into the flames. If sitting by me fire were lazy, then I was indeed lazy. And if being lazy were wicked, then wicked I be. I was pretty sure me da wouldn’t like that. He taught me to be a good-fer-somefin, not a lazy lounge about.

I heaved meself out of me chair. Essie nodded, satisfied she’d got me moving, I suspect, and pointed out the door. “He’s in the barn.”

I grunted and headed in that direction, more disturbed that I were wicked than at me wife insisting I meet wit her da. The cold air bit at me eyes and whipped through me hair. There weren’t no wind block on this here rock of land and it fair chilled me to the bone. I never thought I’d miss the soft breeze of me homeland. I sighed and knelt down, sticking me head into the barn as best I could witout causing any damage.

Me father-in-law was pacing the barn, his hands wringing against each other and his mouth befouling the air ... again. “You wanted to see me?” I were polite as always. There weren’t no reason to get the old man riled more than he were.

“I did.” He put his fists against his belly and looked up at me. “It has come to my attention that you’ve neglected my daughter.”

“Neglected?” I didn’t rightly understand what he were going on about, but I needn’t worry. He were more than eager to tell me.

“Aye. Great neglect that encompasses this family. Look about you. Where are my sheep?”

Me eyes flickered here and there, and I only spied four miserable woolballs huddled in the corner of the barn. “Right there they be.”

“But where is my flock? You’ve decimated my livestock. I’ve got four left out of five hundred head, and now the money’s gone. What are we to do? Where’s the chest you should be filling with gold?”

Chest? “No one told me I was supposed to get a chest.”

He huffed. “Chest, pot or jug, it makes no difference what it is, just so long it gets filled with gold.”

“No one never told me about no gold.”

“Every giant has a chest of gold. Everyone knows that. You are a giant, aren’t you?”

I nodded. That’s what people always screamed at me.

“Then where’s your gold?”

The only way I knew how to get gold was to cut wood and this island didn’t have so much as a chewable twig on it.

“Well?” he said advancing on me like an enraged goose who’d got a tail feather plucked to use as an ink quill. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I guessed, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess I done ate your sheep.” I was a bit confused about the whole chest of gold thing so I kept me mouth shut about that.

Me father-in-law turned bright red at that. “I don’t want no bleating sorry! I deserve…I mean…my daughter deserves her gold!” He paced and paced — his arms a flapping and his head rolling back and forth like a hardboiled egg in a bowl. “Sorry! That’s all I get for taking you in, for treating you like family? I bleating don’t need to hear your sorry! This family’s got needs, needs only gold can fix, by God, and I’ll—”

He got himself so worked up, his face near looked on fire. I was right concerned he’d explode. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to cool him off wit a light puff of me breath. It were a real shame he went tumbling into the water trough.

Staggering to his feet, he shook the water from his clothes and growled, “Why you good-for-nothing Giant! I’ll…”