Authors: Anne-Marie Hart
Toby and I had been texting during that time, but we hadn't met up again. I think he was waiting for me to ask him, so he didn't seem too pushy, and I think I was building up the courage to do so, feeling that if I did, I'd somehow be cheating on Devizes. That was when I knew I had to be careful, because the feelings I had for Toby were still so strong. We didn't have closure when we were sixteen, and I knew that without closure, whatever that might mean, we didn't have an end to our story. Sometimes when old lovers meet each other for a long time, there is a sense of warmth, but never anything more than that. When I met Toby, and we spent the afternoon together, laughing like we had done as kids, I felt like I was finally rediscovering a part of me that I'd spent the last eighteen years without. It was like I understood all of a sudden, why I'd spent most of my life feeling lost.
Of course, the only person I told this to was Sophia, and Sophia's advise was to spend time with Toby to find out whether there was anything still between us. I had to consolidate the past, before I could enjoy the present and move onto the future. Of course, I didn't know what the hell I wanted. Devizes was amazing, incredible, supportive, everything I had been looking for and needed, and Toby was Toby, the man I'd always loved. I didn't know what he wanted, apart from being part of my life again, whatever that might mean, and I didn't know what I wanted anyway. Maybe all I wanted was closure. Maybe what I saw in Toby was the past, and he belonged to a life that wasn't mine anymore. Maybe I had to forget about everything that had gone before, shut it out completely and concentrate on what I had now. Devizes worked a lot but he hadn't set a foot wrong. He'd published my book, made me a millionaire, taken me to a private island, bought me a Ferrari and bedded me like a Roman sex god. What had Toby done? Except make me happier than I have ever been in my life by allowing me to just be me, of course. For loving me unequivocally.
This is so fucked up
, I thought. I didn't want to deceive Devizes, but then I didn't want to lose Toby for a second time either. No wonder I couldn't write. I could barely concentrate on anything else at all.
I thought about all of this all week, and I was still thinking about it in the car on the way to meet Devizes, when Jackson looked at me suspiciously, and asked if I was alright.
'You've not said a thing all journey', Jackson said. 'Did I do something wrong?'
'No', I said, coming out of a trance. 'Of course not. I'm just thinking about my next book.'
'What's it going to be about?' Jackson said, excitedly. 'My wife loved the last one, she keeps asking me to ask you when the next one will be coming out.'
'I don't know', I said. 'I think it's going to be about a choice someone has to make between two people, two men.'
'Right', Jackson said, a wide smile filling the wing mirror. 'Kind of like Bridget Jones?'
'Sort of like that I guess', I said. 'Yeah.'
'Who's the lucky lady?' Jackson said.
'I don't know if lucky's the right word', I said. 'Isn't life complicated enough without having to pick between two people?'
'It depends how you look at it', Jackson said. 'Sometimes it's an easier decision than you think.'
'How so?' I asked.
'Well I suppose it depends on how you decide to write it', Jackson said. 'My wife's the reader, I drive cars, so what do I know, but usually decisions are led either by your head or your heart, that's what I figure.'
'So how do you know which to go for?'
'Well the rational decision is easier to take, that's the one your brain makes, but it's usually the less exciting one.'
'What would you go for?'
'I already made that decision a long time ago', Jackson said. 'When it came to love, I went with my heart. There isn't any other way to do it.'
'You don't regret it?' I said.
'Hell no', Jackson said. 'I'm happier today than I was yesterday, and I'll be happier still tomorrow.'
We arrived at our destination.
'There we go', Jackson said. 'Have a good evening Miss Cartright.'
'What was the decision?' I said, before I got out of the car.
'In another life, I was a pretty good footballer', Jackson said. 'I was offered a contract in Italy, but my girlfriend at the time was struggling with family issues, and depression, and all that kind of stuff, and she really needed my support. On the one hand, I had my career, a brain decision, and on the other hand I had my girlfriend, a heart decision. I turned the contract down to stay with her. It was a massive decision, because what they were offering to pay me was a hundred times more than I was earning at the club I was in. It was huge, and a once in a lifetime opportunity, of course, but I knew I couldn't take it. She didn't have anyone else, and I couldn't let her down. We'd known each other since we were thirteen years old, and she was just about the best friend I ever had.'
'What happened to her?' I said.
'She became my wife, my football career ended abruptly with a knee injury, and I, through a series of different paths, became a chauffeur. Together we have three children, and we've never looked back.'
'That's a beautiful story', I said.
'You can use it if you like', Jackson said smiling again. 'Although it doesn't involve two men.'
The play was dull, and not anything like the distraction I had hoped it would be. Devizes was late too, and joined me half way through the performance, with a series of apologies that did nothing but annoy the people in the box next to us. We had dinner, another extravagant restaurant in another huge tower block in London with incredible views out across the city, and ate food that had been flown in from distant corners of the world, and cooked by world class chefs. We drank wine that had been bottled before my parents had even been born, and looked after for several years like a precious jewel that might have fallen out of the sun, and throughout it all, Devizes noticed my strange mood.
'Are you ok Alice?' he said.
I wrapped myself into him. 'I missed you', I said. 'I don't like spending so much time apart.'
'I'm sorry honey', Devizes said. 'I have to work. If I don't, we can't do this?'
'I'm happy to not drink a ten thousand pound bottle of wine one night, if it means I get to see you', I said.
'It doesn't really work like that, I'm afraid', Devizes said.
'How does it work?' I said, annoyed that he was prioritising work above me.
'Differently', was all he said. 'You know work's important to me.'
'I know', I said, resigned to it.
'I've got tomorrow off', Devizes said.
'And this weekend?' I asked, caressing his leg affectionately. 'Can we do something special? I feel like I haven't seen you at all since the holiday.'
'Since the island?' Devizes said in disbelief. 'We've seen each other loads since then.'
'Can we go away?' I asked, fluttering my eye-lids theatrically at him. 'I need a break from writing.'
'Where do you want to go?' Devizes said.
'Just away', I said. 'Somewhere it's just you and me without the telephone, computer or international conferences.'
'Ok', Devizes said. 'But I have got a conference this weekend.'
'Another one?' I said, disappointedly.
'I can cancel it', Devizes said, 'or move it at least. It may mean working a lot more when we come back, if you are happy with that.'
'I need it, Devizes', I said. 'I need some alone time with you, and I need some time to think about the book.'
'Ok', Devizes said. 'Let's do it. I'll make a few calls tomorrow, and see if I can get the conference re-organized, how does that sound?'
'That sounds perfect', I said.
'Then we can decide where we want to go', Devizes said. 'We can always go back to the island if you want, but it might be a bit too far away for such a short trip.'
'I want to go to Brighton', I said.
'Brighton?' Devizes said derisively.
'What's wrong with Brighton?' I said. 'I used to go there all the time with my family.'
'It's a bit common isn't it? We could go anywhere in the world, and you want to go to Brighton?'
'Yep', I said and nodded.
'Ok', Devizes said.
'We could take the Ferrari' I said, excitedly. 'Like a road trip. Maybe we could camp too!'
'Camping?' Devizes said. 'You mean in a tent? We don't have to do that, we can stay anywhere we want.'
'Camping's fun', I said. 'I love camping.'
'Isn't it really uncomfortable, tiring, difficult to get a good nights sleep, a long way away from civilisation.'
'Exactly', I said. 'It might help me think. The city is so overwhelming sometimes, don't you find that?'
'Not really', Devizes said. 'You can get anything you want here, you can't do that in the country.'
'You can get close to nature in the country', I said. 'Away from concrete and technology. I think everyone needs that from time to time. Can we go, please?'
'Do we have to camp?' Devizes said, in a way that made him sound worried I was going to make him run through fire or sell his soul to the devil.
'I'd really like to camp', I said, but maybe we can do that at a different time. 'I guess you're not really used to doing it.'
'I've never camped before in my life', Devizes said. 'To be honest, I can't really see the appeal.'
'Toby and I used to camp all the time, even if we weren't going anyway', I said without even thinking about it. 'We'd just pitch a tent in the field behind my house, and spend all night telling each other scary stories.'
'Is that your ex?' Devizes asked. I couldn't tell if he sounded jealous or not.
'No', I said. 'Just an old friend from when I was young. We used to live in the same village.'
'Do you mind if we don't camp?' Devizes said, changing the subject back. 'I don't mind if we go to Brighton, but let's at least stay somewhere decent.'
I had to compromise. 'Ok', I said. 'If you drive us down in the Ferrari, we can stay wherever you choose, but we've got to do the things I want to do, and it doesn't matter how little they cost, is that agreed?'
'Ok', Devizes said, a little bit scared of what that might entail. 'I agree.'
'Thinking about it, a Ferrari might look a little bit out of place on a muddy farm', I said, and Devizes looked so horrified by the thought, I couldn't help but laugh.
We finished our ten thousand pound bottle of wine, the lobsters that had been flown in from some exotic destination and the overpriced potato salad they had been served with. We ate dessert, drank more very expensive wine, and finally I forgot enough about Toby and any kind of decision making, while I lost myself in Devizes's smile and his beautiful green eyes, that shone at me like thick forest moss.
By the time we got back to Devizes's house, we were both drunk, and desperately in need of some together time curled up in bed. We had got drunk together a few times now, and Devizes seemed to have an almost inhuman ability to drink as much as he desired and fuck me like he'd not drunk anything but pure spring water all night from a blessed source. In all of this, I just allowed myself to be manipulated and moved around according to his desires, while every so often a ripple ran through me that increased and increased and ending up exploding all over me and blowing smoke out of my ears like Disney characters in old cartoons.
I lost count of how many times he took me to the edge, pulled me back like a safety official, only to tease me again and hang me out over the ledge, fully in control of what he was doing, while I stared, trance-like, at the bottomless pit of ecstasy below. It was exactly what I needed, and Devizes was the only man I had experienced in my life who knew how to provide it.
Sophia told me once that sex and love were two completely different things. She couldn't define love beyond something that encompassed sex, but was a whole lot more as well, like a completely different state, or something she described as the closest we got to what we understood utopia or nirvana to mean. Like a level up from life. She said she'd experienced it once too, but didn't realise it at the time. I wondered what was developing between me and Devizes in that respect. The sex was out of this world good, which made me wonder whether it was what Sophia had described as love, instead of just being like every other sexual experience I'd had in my life, and what people who weren't in love usually just experienced. I was thinking about that while Devizes was having a shower, no doubt rejuvenating himself for the next round, and I was still thinking about it a few moments later, when I heard a message come through on his mobile phone.
I wasn't in the habit of reading Devizes's messages, and I'm certainly not his secretary or PA. I would usually never read messages on anyone's phone, regardless of whether they were my boyfriend or not, even if I had reason to believe they were doing something they shouldn't, so for this reason, I have no idea why I picked up Devizes's phone, laid back in bed, and casually read what had been sent. This wasn't the phone I had seen him with before, but that in itself wasn't unusual. Devizes had phones for different aspects of his business, and phones specifically for different business clients. I read the message slowly. Closed the phone, opened it up and read it again. When I'd read it for the third or fourth time, my eyes blurry and a horrible hollow feeling growing in my stomach, I read all the other ones that had been sent. Amongst about six other names, all of whom were women, were messages of my own.