Authors: Anne-Marie Hart
'Even if he is sleeping with other women', my dad said, 'he's still a hundred times better for her than that no good layabout Toby.'
'And he's paying her wages', mum said. 'I'm not even convinced he's done anything wrong. You know what Alice is like, always making things up, such a vivid imagination.'
'You're right', dad said, while I stood there on the stairs, my hand over my mouth, holding back tears. 'She's probably just made the whole thing up.'
I left without a goodbye, slamming the door so hard on the way out that the whole house shook, striding away as fast as I could in the direction of the train station, not answering mum, or even looking back when she called after me.
On Tuesday, Devizes turned up at the house. I was working on a list of pros and cons to both the relationship with Devizes exclusively and non-exclusively, when I heard a car horn beeping outside. I ignored what I thought was general traffic, until I heard someone shout 'Alice', only realising it was Devizes when I went to the window to see.
Over the weekend, I had been thinking about Toby, and what I should say to him. I was scared to contact him, even though my brain and my body were telling me I had to. I just didn't know how to start. Amongst all of that, I kept coming back to Devizes, as though I owed him something. As though I couldn't contact Toby until I'd decided what to do about my deceitful billionaire. Even though Toby was always at the back of my mind, it was Devizes to whom I believed I owed more, and desired more. Perhaps it was because with Devizes, I actually had a lot less to lose. I lifted up the window.
'You've not been returning my calls', Devizes said.
'I don't want to talk to you', I said.
'We need to talk Alice', Devizes said. 'There are things we need to sort out.'
'What do you want?' I said.
'You', Devizes said. 'I've always wanted you.'
'So you fuck other women?' I said, even though it hurt to do so. 'You lied to me.'
'Yes', Devizes said. 'I'm so sorry, Alice.'
'I trusted you', I said.
'I know', Devizes said.
'What do you want?' I said again.
'Alice, I love you', Devizes said. 'You make me a better person. I'm ready to commit myself to you, and be with you exclusively.'
'Why would I believe that after what has happened?' I said.
'Because I mean it. It will never happen again. I've realised that the only thing that makes me happy, is having you by my side. Please give me another chance Alice.'
'I don't know Devizes', I said. 'You fucked up.'
'I know', Devizes said. 'But I want you. I don't want Brigitte or any of the others, I want you. I'm ready to commit myself to you exclusively. Please Alice.'
Devizes looked pathetic down there on the street, trying to bring emotion to his face. Trying desperately to cry to show me how much he was hurting. It didn't look like anything more than bad theatrics.
'I bought you a house', Devizes said. 'Somewhere you can write. It was going to be a surprise, but I thought I might as well tell you now.'
'A house?' I said.
'A house', Devizes said. 'A small one, just enough for you. I know you didn't feel comfortable moving in with me so-'
'I already have a house Devizes', I said, cutting him off and indicating it by raising my hands. 'I don't need a new house and I didn't need a sports car. I need you to be honest with me, to respect me and care for me, and I need to be able to trust you. A fucking house, Devizes.'
'Please Alice, just think about it', he said. 'I've done so much for you. The book contract, the holiday, the restaurants.'
'It means nothing to me if it isn't real', I shouted down to him.
'I promise from this day on it will be real. I can give you the life you have always wanted.'
'The love too?' I said, the words catching in my throat.
'I promise you Alice, I will never cheat on you again.'
I shook my head. 'I need to think about it', I said. 'You hurt me a lot, more than anyone else ever has in my life.'
'Think about it', Devizes said. 'You know where I'll be. I'll wait for you Alice. I'll wait for you until the end of time if I have to.'
I shut the window, shut off the computer, picked up the phone and looked at the text message Toby had sent me, now more than five days old. I scrolled through the photos I had of Toby, now almost twenty years old, and I looked a the photos Devizes and I had taken, of our time on the island. Lastly, I looked at the picture Toby had drawn of us, and right then and there, I knew exactly what I had to do.
Toby had an old battered up Honda motorbike from the sixties he'd tried his best to restore, but never got around to finishing. It was rough around the edges and sounded like a drowning rhino, but it suited him perfectly. I was sat on the bottom step, just inside the main door to the flat when he picked me up, and because I hadn't expected him to arrive in such a way, I just stared at this noisy beast parking up in front of me with barely concealed admiration, until I realised it was Toby.
He took his helmet off, leaned against his bike and smiled the easy smile that came to him so naturally and hid nothing but sweetness and honesty behind it. I have no idea why I ever doubted Toby, he was the most trustworthy man I'd ever met. I felt ashamed of myself for doing so, and angry with myself for wasting time we could have spent together.
'You look like you need cheering up', Toby said.
I got up off my bottom step, pulled the main door closed behind me and went to him. I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him a hello.
'Thanks for coming Toby', I said. 'It's really good to see you.'
'Sure', Toby said. 'To be honest, I was a little surprised that you called at all. I didn't hear back from you after the message I sent and I figured I'd kind of blown it.'
'Blown what?' I said, taking his helmet from him and spinning it around in my hand.
'You know', Toby said, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. 'Getting back in touch with you and all that. Picking up where we left off.'
'I just had a lot to think about, that's all', I said.
'Writing?' Toby asked.
'Something like that', I said. 'Yeah.'
I handed him back his helmet. 'So where do you want to go?' Toby said. 'I brought another helmet if you fancy a lift on the trusty steed.'
'Home', I said.
'And where is that?' Toby said.
'The tree house', I said, twisting a little bit from side to side, like young girls do when they want something from their parents.
'The tree house in the village?' Toby said. 'In Upminster?'
I nodded. 'Do you have enough time?'
'I've got all the time in the world for you Alice, I always did.'
I smiled, perhaps even blushed a little bit. To hide it, I pushed Toby away from me playfully.
'How long have you had this then?' I asked, looking over the bike. 'Toby, the engine is held together by cable ties.'
'That's the casing', Toby said. 'The engine is perfect. It's an old bike.'
'I didn't realise you were into them', I said.
'Nor did I, until I found this one of dad's.'
'This is your dad's old bike?' I asked.
Toby rummaged around in the compartment on the back, eventually pulling out another helmet. 'And that's my mum's old helmet', he said.
The thing looked like a soldiers helmet, but had been painted all over in pink and covered with stickers. One of them said 'make love not war', another said 'fuck the police'.
'I put that sticker on', Toby said, pointing to the 'fuck the police' one, 'the others were my mum's. I hope it fits.'
I put it on. 'It fits', I said. 'Well, enough at least. Will this make it to the blue bell woods?' I said, examining the bike dubiously, half joking.
'Are you kidding?' Toby said, swinging his leg over the seat. 'This would make it all the way to Scotland if we wanted it to. Come on, jump on.'
I jumped on and shuffled in close to Toby.
'Make sure you hold on', Toby said. 'There are handles at the back, but you might find it less scary if you grab onto me round my waist. The engine's pretty loud, so if you need me to stop or anything, squeeze my leg.'
'Squeeze your leg?' I said.
'You remember how to do that, Alice, don't you?'
'I remember', I said, and then squeezed his leg, just to show him I knew how.
'Good', Toby said. 'Are you ready?'
'Like this?' I said, and hugged him round the waist.
'Perfect', Toby said, and without even being able to see him, I knew he was smiling.
Toby started up the beast, moved my hands into a slightly more comfortable position around his middle, and pushed the bike out onto the road.
I'd never been on a bike before. The closest I'd been to anything quite as exhilarating was a ride at Alton Towers. Devizes's Ferrari had nothing on this. That two hundred thousand pound machine was all about looks, whereas this was about raw energy, power and getting so close to nature, you could feel the bugs exploding against your face. For the first five minutes I was laughing like a maniac, and we hadn't even got out onto the open road.
Toby steered the beast, and I held on, resting my head against his back, as we left London and headed towards Cambridge. Sometimes I watched the world fly past to the side, or the concrete blur by our feet, or sometimes with my eyes shut entirely, I pretended I was a bird soaring high above the world. It was incredible.
We took the long route away from the motorway on winding B roads that carved through beautiful towns neither of us had ever heard of, and communities just like the one we'd grown up in that carried on as normal without us, never rushing to get things done. It was a beautiful day with a clear blue sky and only a hint of cloud, and a sun that looked like it had been painted on, because it seemed almost too perfect to be real.
It had been eighteen years since I'd been in this area last, and almost ten for Toby, so we decided to drive past the old schools before heading on to our village, and our intended destination of the tree house in the woods.
The primary school had been knocked down, and in it's place stood a building development that had extended the small village out into the fields beyond, to provide housing for an increasing number of Cambridge city workers that couldn't afford to buy property closer to work. Their children, if they had any, would have to be transported to one of the primary schools in one of the larger surrounding villages. It looked a mess, and nothing like I remembered. Where we'd played as children, sat a garage block and recycling site, and nothing remained of the old school.
'Did you know they'd done this?' I asked Toby.
He shook his head. 'It doesn't look anything like I remember. I think the living room in number 4 must be where we used to have our classes with, what was her name?'
'Mrs Bold', I said.
'Mrs Bold, exactly. I wonder what she's doing now.'
'She was pretty old, maybe she's dead.'
'Alice', Toby said, surprised. 'She probably just seemed older because we were so much younger back then. She's probably no older than our parents.'
'Maybe', I said, staring at the houses and into the past. It seemed like such a long time ago that I was playing in the school field with Toby, not a care in the world. 'Life gets complicated doesn't it, I mean, when you get older. I don't blame Peter Pan for wanting to stay young.'
Toby was already sat back on the bike. 'It would be horrible if everyone else got older around you though, and you had to constantly make new friends, never able to drive a car, smoke a cigarette, drink a beer, do things for yourself. It would be torture.'
'Yeah', I said. 'You're probably right.'
'Being an adult is just like being a kid', Toby said. 'Sometimes it's fun. sometimes it sucks balls. You've just got to learn how to manage it. Get through the bad times, because the good ones are just around the corner.'
Toby held out my helmet. I walked back to the bike and took it from him.
'Things change so quickly', I said.
'Well, that's why you've got to really hold on tight to what matters.'
I don't know if he meant to link the action to what he'd said or not, because the movement was so natural, but they fit together so well. As I climbed back on to the bike, he reached behind me, took my hands in his, and wrapped them around his waist.
We left the primary school behind us, ignored the right turn to Upminster, and carried on to Petersham, to look at the village where we had spent five years at secondary school, and all the memories that that time carried with it.
It was a school day, so we couldn't walk around the school itself, but we drove in, and parked in the car park out front, to take a look at the school from as close as we were able to get without introducing ourselves or getting caught. It had grown in size, and had several new buildings that were eating their way into what was once field that ran around the bulk of the school.