Authors: Anne-Marie Hart
The one that had come through, and I had gone back to read for perhaps the fifteenth time, when Devizes came out of the shower and stood by the bed in silence watching me, was from Brigitte, and said:
'Last weekend was amazing. When are you going to come over and fuck me like that again?'
Every other message was of similar construction. Fia, Carla, Sandy, Paula, Alexis and myself, were all saying the same thing. I looked over to him, my face, I expect, as white as a sheet.
'I can explain', Devizes said.
'Get someone to take me home', was all I could manage.
'Please Alice', Devizes said. 'Let me explain.'
I got my clothes on silently, while Devizes fussed his way around me, telling me things I was unable to process. Tears were clogging my eyes, and I stumbled a little bit as I tried to pull on my jeans, so shocked I was unable to even coordinate my movements enough to dress myself. My heart felt like lead, and I wanted to puke. The longer I stayed there, the worse it got. I tried to leave, but every door took me into another part of the gigantic house, and I couldn't find my way out. I felt like I was trapped in a Devizes designed labyrinth, and each turn took me deeper and deeper into his dungeon of lies. Finally I just fell to my knees and screamed, happy to give up and lay there until either someone rescued me, or I withered away and died of a broken heart.
Eventually, Devizes came along, took me by the hand and led me slowly to the front door, like a wounded soldier away from a battlefield, and on from there to the lifts, my arm across his shoulder. A taxi was waiting at the bottom of the apartment block, and I climbed in without even knowing if it was for me. Once inside, I begged the driver to take me home, and then curled up into a ball on the back seat, sobbing like a trapped beast on the way to slaughter, while the lights of London flashed past around me in a nauseous blur, and my already fragile heart creaked again, ready to break for ever. I couldn't believe what I'd read. I couldn't believe Devizes had lied to me, and more than anything else, I couldn't believe it was happening again.
Sophia was asleep when I got back home, and even though I knew she'd happily get up if I banged on her door and told her I needed her, I decided to leave it and try and get some sleep. I figured I could deal with yet another massive disappointment in my life the following morning - an overnight delay wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
I slept as you might expect me to. I tossed and turned all night, cried silently into my pillow for lack of energy to cry any other way, and eventually, for a few snatched hours, finally got some rest.
I'd had enough of trying at about 8am, so I got up and went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. I felt worse than I had done in months. I thought about calling Toby, but didn't want to dump my shit on him, just in case he thought I was a complete fucking mess, and decided it would be better to creep out of my life as quickly as he'd put himself back into it.
I wanted Devizes to explain to me what the fuck was going on, tell me that somehow I had been mistaken, but I had no desire to talk to him either. Also, I'd read the message enough times to know that it had to be real, so what was there that he could really explain to me? That he'd been laughing at me for trusting him? Fucking arse-hole. I still couldn't believe what had happened. Not just one girl either - Brigitte, Alexis, Carla, and I bet he was fucking that PA Stephanie too.
Sophia still wasn't up. I angrily got some breakfast, smashing things around, slamming fridge and cupboard doors, and then sat down to stare at it, or spoon it around the bowl really, because as soon as it was made, I had no desire to eat it. I pushed the bowl to the other side of the table, and out of arms reach, just to save myself from flinging it across the room.
I went to Sophia's door, listened for a while and then knocked softly.
'Sophia?' I called. 'Are you there?'
I sounded like a six year old whose pet had just died.
'Sophia', I said a bit louder.
'Alice?' Sophia said from behind the door. 'Is that you?'
'Can I come in', I said. 'I need to talk to you.'
'Sure', Sophia said.
I opened the door, turned the light on and sat on the end of the bed. Sophia's room smelt of whisky and sex. There were clothes all over the floor, even though there was a perfectly good wardrobe to put them in, dirty plates, a mug that I thought had gone missing two years ago, and sex toys mixed in with everything else, like a salad garnish on a plate of meat.
Sophia sat up, while Tad, and someone I didn't recognise, continued to sleep either side of her.
'Is this a bad time?' I said.
'No, of course not', Sophia said. She reached behind her and lifted up the blind, letting more light into the room. 'What's up?'
'He's fucking cheating on me Soph', I said.
'What?' Sophia said. 'When did this happen?'
'Last night', I said, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.
'Fucking hell', Sophia said. 'What happened? Did you catch him in bed with someone else?'
'No, I'd been in bed with him', I said, 'and then he had a text message through on his phone saying something like 'that fuck last night was amazing when can we do it again'. It wasn't the only one either. There were others that went back to before we'd even met. He hasn't ever been faithful to me Soph, not even from day one.'
'Oh', Sophia said. 'Fuck.'
'Yeah', I said. 'It's happened again. It keeps fucking happening.'
'I'm so sorry Alice', Sophia said.
'I don't know what to do', I said, crying again. 'I really like him. I thought, you know, he could be the one for me. The fucker was lying all this time.'
'What a fucking ass-hole', Sophia said.
'Right', I said. 'I know how to pick them don't I?'
Sophia pulled me towards her and held me tightly.
'Have you spoken to him today?' she said, smoothing my hair. I pulled away from her to answer.
'No', I said, shaking my head.
Tears were falling all over Sophia's duvet, and I tried as best as I could to clear them up, but they were coming down like raindrops in monsoon season, and each time I dried one patch, another three would appear.
'I got a taxi back as soon as I found out. I feel like someone has ripped me apart, you know, like I'm not even me. What should I do, Soph? I don't know what I should do.'
'Oh Alice', Sophia said. 'If he's fucking other women, he's not for you. He's lied to you.'
I started to cry again, and Sophia took me back in her arms.
'You've got to forget about him as soon as you can', she said. 'Move on, be good to yourself. You can't be with someone who hurts you like this.'
'I don't know what to do', I said, losing myself in a whirlwind of sobs and confusion. 'This is all so fucked up.'
Devizes tried to call me a handful of times, left several text messages, and a series of answer-phone messages, pleading me to let him explain, that it was a one off, that he was sick, and that it would never happen again, that I had made him see the light, and he was head over heels in love with me.
I listened to each one of these messages and then deleted them one by one, before switching off my phone. Sophia told me I needed a distraction, so I went out with her for a while to drink coffee and forget about my problems, but they just wouldn't go away. I went for a run in the afternoon, during large parts of which I was crying heavily and must have looked like a mad woman, and when I came home, I stared for almost an hour at the blank word document on my screen in an attempt to channel my emotions and write something useful, and then spent a couple more hours reading old diary entries from my adolescence, most of which were about my life back then with Toby.
The evening came and went. I kept my phone off under Sophia's advise, fighting constantly against the urge to turn it back on. I missed Devizes, even though the fucking shit had treated me the way he had, and I hated myself for needing him. Sophia told me that it wasn't Devizes that I was missing, but having someone there that treated me with respect, and I shouldn't get confused by the two. Devizes had lied to me, and that was the bottom line. As the day wore on, I was getting less sure of how I felt, so much so that I wondered whether what he had done was as bad as I originally thought it had been.
'You sleep with lots of different men right?' I said to Sophia.
'Yes, I do', Sophia said. 'But you wouldn't want to be with me either. I'm just as bad when it comes down to it, even though most of the men I'm with I tell that I like to fuck other people.'
'But if there was someone you found that you liked, would you tell them straight away?' I said.
'Alice, you and I are different people', Sophia said. 'What I have is not what you want, or what you deserve.'
'Did Tad know?' I said.
'Not immediately, no', Sophia said. 'But Tad is cool with it. The question is, would you be?'
The next day I turned my phone on. I couldn't help myself. I had thirteen missed calls from Devizes, each one of them carrying a message of affection or love, and one text message from Toby. I listened to the messages from Devizes over and over again, trying to work out if I could forgive him for what he had done, and then when I couldn't make a decision either way, I read the message from Toby.
'Hey Alice, I hope you are ok. I had an amazing time the other day and would love to meet up with you again, if you are free. Toby.'
I deleted all of the messages from Devizes, and then I shut the phone off again, still angry at him, still unable to make a decision.
Two more days passed. The calls from Devizes came through less frequently, and I didn't hear from Toby again, which wasn't too much of a surprise, because I'd been unable to compose an adequate enough response to his text message, to send him anything at all.
On Sunday, I took the train to mum and dad's, thinking the time with them would provide a perfect distraction for what was going on in my life, only for the afternoon to turn into a complete disaster, in which I spent most of it having escaped to what used to be my bedroom and had since been stripped of anything that was mine, to cry, desperately alone, without anyone coming to see if I was alright.
I should have realised I wasn't in the mood anyway, but Sophia had gone out, and I didn't want to stay in the house alone. Everyone started asking about my book, about how far I had got with writing it, and about how well the other one was doing. They all commented on how much of a positive influence they thought Devizes had had on me, and every single one of them, James included, had nothing but good things to say about my new, billionaire boyfriend.
'I mean, you couldn't have done it without Devizes', dad said. 'What an amazing guy he is.'
'So handsome too', mum said, 'I can't believe he's now part of the family.'
'You should invite him over one Sunday, Alice', James went on, 'I could ask him if he fancied taking a look at my books.'
'He's so good for you Alice. You're much better with him Alice. Such a gentleman Alice. Incredible person Alice. He bought you a Ferrari? You are so lucky you have him Alice.'
The words went on and on and on and on, spinning around me, cornering me from every side until eventually I'd had enough and just screamed out, 'FUCK DEVIZES!!'
'Fuck him', I went on, while dad's spoon hung in the air, half way to his mouth, ice-cream slopping off the sides, and then I broke down into tears.
'I thought that was what you were already doing?' James said sarcastically, which earned him a slapped wrist from mum.
'Fuck off James. Devizes isn't the saint you think he is', I said, tears refusing to slow down, and barrelling down my cheeks like runaway trains. 'He's a liar, and he fucks other women.'
Vicky was already in the process of trying to cover the ears of the twins, but it was too late.
'What's fucks other women?' Sam said, and Vicky took them both away to the living room, with the excuse that aunty Alice was having another one of her breakdowns.
'Nobody's perfect', dad said, and he meant it too. 'Remember he's paying your wages.'
'Dad!' I said, unable to believe what I'd just heard. Even mum was a bit shocked this time.
'What?' dad said, holding up his hands, unaware he'd done anything wrong.
That was enough for me. I re-enacted my teenage years, pushed the chair away, told my family to go fuck themselves and spent the rest of the afternoon up in my old bedroom crying my eyes out. Eventually mum came up, but only to tell me that James and Vicky were leaving if I happened to want to say goodbye to them. She didn't say anything about my outburst, nor about her beloved Devizes until she was on her way out of the door again. With it half closed, and her face just showing, she said, 'perhaps you made a mistake', and then disappeared before I had time to respond.
I crept down the stairs about half an hour later, to hear mum and dad having what they believed to be a private conversation, about the revelation I'd made only hours earlier.