She knew that she had been playing games with herself and trying to entice him to stay by showing him her family and friends. Today she had got it—if she wasn’t enough for him then all the cool people she surrounded herself with wouldn’t make her satisfy him either.
Jay was searching for something and she couldn’t give it to him. If he could fulfill that part of himself that had been missing with her, then maybe they had a chance. And if he couldn’t, it was time for her to cut her losses and move on.
Alysse couldn’t find Jay at first and then noticed her mom was missing, too. She scanned the beach and found her lover standing in the shade with a brick retaining wall at his back. She smiled at that, but the smile soon left her face as she spotted her mom standing next to Jay and talking very animatedly to him.
Jay was nodding and had his arms crossed over his chest. He was being respectful or at least it seemed that way to her from where she was. And she felt a moment’s panic. What if this scared him into leaving her again?
She took a deep breath and then let it out.
There it was, she thought. The fear that dominated every second of her thoughts and lurked in the back of her mind. She hated that she was filled with fear, but even acknowledging it wouldn’t make it go away.
The only thing that would was some reassurance from Jay and she knew that was asking the impossible. She walked briskly over to her mom and Jay and they stopped talking when they saw her.
“Am I interrupting?” Alysse asked.
“No,” her mom said. “I was just telling Jay that I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”
Really?
Then she looked at Jay and he was grinning. He’d enjoyed chatting with her mom about her. She didn’t know how he’d done it but they both seemed to be getting along. “Well, I am happy right now.”
“Good. I warned Jay that if he made you cry again I’d come after him and I might not have his skills with a weapon but I do know how to protect my own,” her mom said.
“Candi, I can respect that,” Jay said.
“Good,” her mom said. She patted Jay on the shoulder. “Thanks for listening to me.”
“No problem,” Jay said. Her mom gave Alysse a quick hug and then returned to the picnic area.
“What was that about?”
“She had some things to say to me and needed to clear the air,” Jay replied.
“Was it okay? Did she upset you?” Alysse asked.
“I’m a man, Aly, I don’t get upset,” he said.
“Then what do you get?” she asked.
“Pissed off. But your mom really loves you and only wants what is best for you, and I can’t get mad about that,” he said.
“Good. I wanted...I’m not sure how to say this,” she said. Now that she was standing in front of him the words she wanted to say wouldn’t form in her mouth.
“Just spit it out,” he said.
“Are you planning to leave me again?” she asked in one long breath.
He looked taken aback and stood up straighter. “I don’t know.”
Those quietly spoken words weren’t the ones she was looking for and they shot dread straight through her.
“It’s time for your brother’s match,” Jay said. “We can talk about this later.”
She let him lead her to the volleyball game and, though she pretended to watch, her mind was on his words and the fear in her heart just grew larger.
* * *
J
AY
PULLED
THE
CAR
to a stop in front of Alysse’s place. His bike was stored in her garage and he knew he’d be leaving tonight. He had enjoyed hanging out with her, but they both knew she needed something more from him. Something he wasn’t going to be able to deliver.
He’d felt the disappointment in her when she’d asked if he was going to leave. He knew he should have just said no, but he didn’t want to lie to her.
“You got too much sun today,” he said. “Your cheeks are red.”
“I always do,” she said, the same cold shoulder she’d been giving him all afternoon. “No matter how much sunscreen I use.”
“I just get more tanned,” he said.
“Have we really come down to banal conversation? You don’t have anything more to say to me than that?” she asked, and he heard the anger in her tone. She wanted a fight and he got that, but he wasn’t sure he could accommodate her.
“Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood,” he said. “I’m not good at this kind of thing. You should know that by now.”
“Yeah, you should try harder. You don’t encourage anyone to talk to you.”
“It’s not my scene,” he said. “I never know the right thing to say and I always end up feeling like I’m an idiot.”
“You are the furthest thing from an idiot that I’ve ever met.”
“That’s not what you were thinking earlier,” he said.
“True,” she said with a laugh. “Do you want to come inside?”
“Yes, but I thought we agreed we’d played this suburban fantasy long enough,” he said. He didn’t want to have to walk away again but they both knew that...what?
“Let’s talk inside. I really don’t want to sit out here in the car and have a long conversation.”
“Okay,” he said. “You go open the windows and I’ll get all the stuff from the trunk.”
She looked as if she wanted to argue with him, but then she just nodded and got out of the car. He watched her walk up the path to her cute little house and thought how idyllic this place was. The house was comfortable and cozy with a neatly manicured lawn. The neighborhood was friendly but not intrusive. The lady was sexy, sweet and just not right for a man like him.
He cleaned out the car and then walked up to the house. She’d opened all the windows and a nice breeze welcomed him as he stepped inside. He heard the sound of Jimmy Buffett coming from the patio and dumped the cooler in the kitchen before pausing on the threshold between the house and the patio to watch her watering the hibiscus which grew around the edge of her water feature.
A part of him craved this life more than he knew was safe. She’d become an obsession for him and he wanted her. He wanted to say to hell with all the people in her life and just scoop her up and take her away to somewhere special, just the two of them.
But that wasn’t ever going to happen.
“Jay?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want a beer?” she asked.
“Nah, I’m good. This place is nice,” he said stepping onto the patio and going to sit on one of her Adirondack chairs. She took a seat next to him and then stood up and paced around the garden.
“This isn’t really working out, is it?”
“No, it’s not. You were right when you said we were playing house, and the last week has been fun though it’s not any different from our marriage.”
“I know. Do you realize if you spend the night with me tonight it will be the longest we’ve ever been together?” she asked.
He hadn’t realized that. But it explained why he’d been so restless and jittery all day today. “You know you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with for this long.”
“That’s sad, Jay,” she said. “You don’t even want to stay longer than a week with me.”
“I do,” he said. “I’m just not sure how to do this. I want this to be real but for some reason it just isn’t.”
“I think part of the problem is me,” she said. “Earlier when I was talking to Staci I had an epiphany about myself.”
“What was it?” he asked when she was quiet.
“I am trying to make you into someone you aren’t. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but I was definitely trying to force you to be a part of my group of friends even though I know you prefer being a loner. Even with me you are quiet sometimes and I get that you like that.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s to punish you but I do think it’s some kind of test. Something that I want to prove either to you or me, I’m not sure.”
“I guess you still haven’t forgiven me,” he said.
“I guess not. I thought it would be easy just to ignore the past and somehow use you and get back a little of my own. But that hasn’t happened at all. Instead of feeling whole again I just find myself falling deeper and deeper into something that I don’t think is ever going to work.”
“Me?” he asked.
He knew exactly what she was getting at because he felt the same way. He wanted to be what she needed, but he wasn’t about to actually let down his walls and take a chance on getting hurt. He knew she’d been right when she said that he’d purposely left before her in Vegas. That a part of him was always sure if he wasn’t the first one out the door he’d be left behind.
And never had that seemed so hard to take than it did right now, looking at Alysse and knowing he wanted her with him for the rest of his life.
11
T
HE
J
IMMY
B
UFFETT
CD had switched over to the smooth bluesy tracks of Adele singing about loss in a way that Alysse could relate to at the moment.
The closer she got to Jay the more she felt him slipping away from her. And she was definitely not helping things by trying to force an answer out of him on issues that he’d rather not confront.
At the small pond, she glanced down at the several koi swimming in endless circles. She liked her backyard and felt so comfortable here. She wondered if she would after Jay left. She should never have brought him to the sanctuary that was her home, because now she’d have a hard time not picturing him here.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked at last. She wasn’t facing him because she couldn’t bear the brutal honesty she saw in his eyes. It would be so much easier if he’d just lie to her a little bit.
“I don’t know. I think we have to stop pretending...” he said. “I’ve been walking on eggshells around you trying not to do anything that will spook you and apart from that one nightmare I had—I’d say I’ve succeeded.”
She frowned as she remembered that nightmare and how scared she’d been for him.
“You have been good about not scaring me,” she agreed. “I’ve been doing the same thing, sort of, trying to make sure you wouldn’t leave me like you did in Vegas, but to be completely honest, I don’t know what made you leave and hedging my bets isn’t helping either one of us.”
Hiding and hoping, she admitted it freely now, that she could maybe be whatever she hadn’t been before. That was scary because she’d really thought she was over him for good.
“I guess we both need to be just who we really are,” he said quietly as he walked up next to her. He smelled of suntan lotion and the sandy beach.
“Yes.” Somehow that seemed so much easier to say than do. She wanted to be free of her fear that he was leaving her as soon as she let her guard down; however, that wasn’t going to happen. “But I don’t know who I am.”
Admitting it out loud seemed like the only thing to do. She pivoted to face him and waited to see his response.
Now she knew why that whirlwind courtship had worked out so well for her. She hadn’t had time to think or worry about the possibilities. But this time that was all she’d done. And all that thinking had led her to a place that made her feel as though she and Jay weren’t going to be able to cobble together the next few days, much less a lifetime.
Yet she knew she’d grown to know him so much better now than she had before. He was complex. A loner who definitely needed her in his life. A man who would protect everyone around him but would accept no protection himself. A lover who was generous with his body but guarded his heart.
“You do know who you are,” he said. “I’m muddling it up by staying here. Let’s have breakfast in the morning, I want to spend the day just the two of us—maybe I’ll take you on the balloon ride Paulo recommended. No thinking about our jobs or your family. What do you say?” he asked.
She didn’t want to. She’d be alone with Jay and that was one thing she still wanted to avoid. “I’m scared.”
“Why?” he asked. He glanced down into the koi pond and then put his hands in his back pockets and looked at her. His guarded dark chocolate gaze made her wary. Why couldn’t he just trust her?
Why couldn’t she just trust him? she asked herself, knowing that if she knew the answers to those questions things would be infinitely better between them.
“It feels as if I’m in one pond and you are in your pond and we just get together for sex. Is that what we’re all about?” he asked.
“It’s safer,” she said. “There is absolutely no danger of me falling for you as long as you stay in your pond and do your own thing.”
“I know,” he said, taking his hand out of his back pocket and lacing their fingers together. “But neither of us wants a repeat of the last time we got together...do we?”
She looked up at him. The moment of truth. Was she going to risk her heart on this man again? She’d already seen the proof of what happened when she did.
But if she didn’t take this second chance with Jay, would she end up regretting it the rest of her life? Could she live with that?
“No, we don’t,” she said at last. “I’m willing to try again. Third time’s a charm, right?”
“So they say,” he said with a wry grin. “I know I wasn’t the best when we met up with your friends so maybe we can do it again?”
“Sure. Why don’t we invite them over next weekend? We can be the hosts so you’ll feel more at ease and we’ll have had another entire week to get to know each other. Oh my goodness, a week is hardly any time,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I can’t offer you more until I know if I’m going to reenlist,” he said.
“It’s fine. We do better on the fast track,” she said. It was as if when she didn’t have time to think, she trusted her instincts. She knew that she had something worth fighting for with Jay, but she was afraid to fight for him. Afraid to let him into her heart lest he hurt her again. And no matter how hard she tried to keep from falling for him, she knew she was.
“I don’t know how we do better, but I do know that without you by my side...I’m missing something. And I’ve never had anyone mean that much to me before. I’m a little unsure of how to proceed. I don’t want to take a chance on screwing this up,” Jay said.
That was probably one of the most honest things he’d ever said to her. She wrapped her broken, fragile heart in those words he’d given her. She was touched by them more than she wanted to be. She understood this man far more now than she had in Vegas. She got that he had demons that she’d never expected and that he needed more from her than she’d been able to offer him.
“Lucien invited me to join him for drinks tomorrow night. Do you want to come along and meet him?” Jay asked.
It was the first time he’d invited her to be a part of his life. He’d gone to her things and talked to her about Sweet Dreams, but he’d never reciprocated much.
“Yes. That sounds nice,” she said. “I’ve been dying to meet some of your friends. I thought maybe you were embarrassed by me.”
“I never could be embarrassed by you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said.
“Really?” she asked. “Don’t answer that. I meant to say thank you.”
“You’re welcome. So how about I pick you up in the morning very early for that balloon ride and then after lunch I will drop you back off...?”
“Okay,” she said.
“We can have drinks with Lucien and then I’ll take you out. What do you want to do?”
“Anything?”
“Sure,” he said. “What’s your dream date?”
“Dinner and dancing,” she said without hesitating.
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” he said. “I’ll be back at six to pick you up.”
He walked through her house to the front door and she followed him. She had a reluctant hope that this time maybe things were going to be better for them.
* * *
A
LYSSE
SLEPT
RESTLESSLY
without Jay by her side, but a part of her knew that she was better off this way. He wasn’t ready to make a decision about his career or her. And she needed to be able to protect her heart.
She was awake at five so they could drive up to Temecula. It was very chilly, something she didn’t realize until she was on the back of Jay’s bike holding on to him. She started shivering and he pulled off on the highway.
“Why are we stopping?” she asked.
“Because you’re freezing,” he said. He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around her. He wore a black sweatshirt bearing the Marine Corps emblem under his jacket.
“Will you be warm enough?” she asked.
“I’ll be fine as long as you aren’t shivering,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said. “I like your sweatshirt. I notice you don’t often wear something with the Corps logo on it. Why is that?”
“People want to buy me coffee and stuff and it makes me uncomfortable,” he said.
“They’re just saying thanks for doing your job.”
“I know that,” he said. “But it’s a job. The only one I’m trained to do and I’m nothing special.”
“Yes, you are,” she said.
“You think so?” he asked her.
She could tell he wasn’t sure if she was joking around with him and that bothered her.
“Yes, of course I’m sure,” she said.
They got back on the bike and finished the drive. There were three other couples waiting to go up in the hot air balloon. Jay had signed them up for a two-hour flight across the valley, and it had sounded fun to her until they climbed in the basket and she saw how fragile the basket was as they started to rise.
“I’m not sure about this,” she said.
“What aren’t you sure about?” he asked.
“That we won’t fall,” she said.
“It’d be bad for business if I let you fall,” the pilot said with a laugh.
Jay moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her body. He leaned down close to her ear and said, “I’ve got you and you know I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She relaxed against him. She might not be sure whether he would stay with her forever, but she knew that he’d protect her with his life. It was still and quiet as they rose up from the valley floor. The sun was just starting to peek over the mountains below. They floated higher and she was almost afraid to speak; the only sound was the occasional hiss of the fire used to inflate the balloon.
“Do you know which vineyard is Paulo’s?” Jay asked.
“I don’t,” she admitted. “I haven’t been to visit him and Frida because I’m always so busy at the bakery.”
“You work too hard,” he said.
“I’m a small-business owner,” she said. “If I don’t do it, no one else will.”
“I don’t like that you have to work so hard,” he said. “You don’t have enough time for yourself.”
“That’s just the way my life is. You work hard, too,” she pointed out.
“But that’s different.”
“Why? Because you’re a man?” she asked.
The pilot chuckled at her tone and Jay tightened his arms around her. “I know better than to answer that question. I just wish that I could pamper you a little bit.”
She did like the sound of that. “That’d be nice, but I like my job. If I wasn’t working at Sweet Dreams I’d be baking at home and then what would I do with all the baked goods?”
“If I were there I’d eat them,” he said.
If he were there.
She tried to live for the moment, but she couldn’t. She had the feeling he’d already made up his mind to leave. She knew it.
“Time for your champagne brunch,” the pilot said, handing them each a glass flute filled with sparkling wine.
Jay took his glass and she took hers. As she stepped out of his arms the gondola rocked a bit, making her reach for him to steady herself. He let her and then arched one eyebrow at her. “What are you doing?”
“I wanted to have a toast,” she said.
“Okay,” he said.
“To the best ten days we’ve ever had together,” she said at last.
He clinked his glass against hers and took a sip and she did the same. They drank their champagne quickly and Jay pulled her back into his arms. When the pilot told them to look up and smile they did. He handed them a photo a few minutes later; they looked happy, she thought. They looked like a couple who were planning a life together.
Not like two people who could barely manage two weeks together. She felt sad and didn’t enjoy the rest of the ride, but she stayed where she was with Jay’s arms around her. She wanted to be able to remember this day and have a nice memory of it.
When they landed, Jay helped her out of the basket and they bought a picture frame from the souvenir shop before getting on his bike and heading back to Oceanside. She was tired and rested her head against his shoulders. She wished there was some way to see into the future, but there wasn’t. And when he dropped her off at her house and gave her a quick kiss goodbye, she made herself watch him leave.
She knew he was coming back later to pick her up for their date, but she still wanted to watch him go. Maybe she’d build up an immunity to him leaving so when he finally left for good she wouldn’t let him take all of her soul with him.
* * *
J
AY
SENT
L
UCIEN
a text that he was bringing Alysse and the other man had decided he’d bring his girlfriend, too. Drinks turned into dinner and a long, lovely evening. Lucien’s girlfriend, India, was tall, almost six feet, and of African descent. She had beautiful skin, close-cut curly hair and the most exotic-looking eyes that Alysse had ever seen.
She felt like a pale plain Jane next to India. It would have been easy to fade into the background except that India wasn’t the type of woman who left anyone out. She worked in the fashion industry as a hand model. Honestly, why this woman’s face wasn’t in front of the camera was beyond Alysse.
Lucien was more guarded, but still, he was relaxed and he smiled easily whenever India said something that amused him. They were openly affectionate with each other and, in an instant, Alysse realized what she wanted her relationship with Jay to be like. This was how a couple should be, she thought.
Even Jay was a bit more at ease. She’d never say he was relaxed, but instead of being completely silent, he and Lucien had a steady conversation going the entire time they were eating dinner. Occasionally he’d glance over at her.
“How long have you two been together?” India asked after they were seated at a nightclub and the men went to get them drinks.
“It’s complicated...we were married for a week and then divorced and now we’ve been together ten days.”
India laughed, a big booming sound that made heads turn. “That
is
complicated. So what’s your story? Why are you with Jay?”
No one had ever talked to Alysse that way. “I don’t know. He’s so different from everyone else in my life and I can’t help being attracted to him.”
“He is a hottie,” India agreed. “But then so is my Lucien.”
“You two seem like an interesting couple,” Alysse said. Lucien was tall and bald and had a jagged scar running down his forearm. He wore expensive clothing but he still looked rough, as though he’d put a fresh coat of paint over his dents and scratches but she could still see them.