Blind desire consumed her.
But still the questions sped through her brain, still she wanted to see him.
Suddenly, she felt the intense contractions of her body as her orgasm began and his hands quickly went to her hips and to pull her into each of his thrusts. He sent her over the edge into a climax that made stars dance in front of her eyes.
He thrust once more, then twice again before his hot release came. Falling forward, he rested his head between her shoulder blades. She stood there until her breathing slowed and he slipped his arms around her waist and held her.
Eventually, he pulled away from her, but took her in his arms. “Bedroom?”
She put her hand on his jaw as she saw the haunted look in his eyes. For the first time she understood that he had no idea how to deal with the emotions she’d elicited in him.
She pointed down the hallway. She wanted to pretend she was just using him for sex, but when he came into her bedroom and lay down beside her, she knew it wasn’t just sex. He might have been unable to face her when they’d made love earlier, but now he cradled her in his arms, cuddled her close and made her feel as if he wasn’t ever going to let her go. She focused on his lightly hairy chest rising and falling until exhaustion claimed her and she fell asleep. It felt like a fantasy. She knew that this time with him wasn’t real. She had to remember that, she thought, as she drifted off.
* * *
J
AY
DIDN
’
T
SLEEP
as he held Alysse in his arms, but he did enjoy having her naked body pressed to his side. She snored softly in her sleep and he couldn’t for the life of him remember holding her this way in Vegas. If he had it hadn’t been as important as it was now.
He knew he’d played into her thought tonight that she was using him for sex. She wasn’t. No matter what Alysse told herself she didn’t have it in her to use anyone, least of all someone she cared for.
He knew that if he were a better man he’d walk away. He wasn’t exactly sure why he didn’t, except that when he was with her, despite his indecision about the future, he felt okay.
He stroked her hair and glanced at his watch, knowing he should go. She had to get up early and she might not want him to spend the night.
But he was reluctant to leave. He didn’t want her to wake up alone and think he’d abandoned her again. Damn, he was trapped. But it was the sweetest situation he’d ever found himself in. He felt his pulse slow and his eyes grew a bit heavier.
He rolled to his side, pulled her closer and drifted off to sleep. His dreams were dark and disturbing. He found himself back in Afghanistan, lying in cover, waiting for his target. He saw the dust rising in the east as a caravan of fast-moving SUVs headed toward him. He glanced at his scout and it was Alysse calling out the coordinates of the wind and the trajectory. And instead of lying down in cover she was standing next to him in her chef’s jacket and hat.
What the hell was she doing here? Alysse should never be in the battle zone. Damn. This was a huge mistake.
“Get down,” he yelled. Rolling at her legs, knocking her to the ground so that she didn’t present as large a target. She popped her head up and he pushed it down before tucking her underneath him. “It’s dangerous.”
“You were supposed to protect me,” she spat.
“I’m trying,” he said. But he knew they’d been spotted and heard the convoy stop below their position. She wasn’t listening to his orders. She was putting them both in harm’s way and he had no way to save her.
“Stop smothering me.” She struggled against him and he felt the whiz of a bullet flying past his head. He grabbed her more firmly, keeping her in place underneath him.
“Stop moving or we’ll die,” he ordered. God, he couldn’t let anything happen to her. He didn’t want Alysse to die. He wanted her safe and happy.
He had to get her out of here. He wrapped his arms around her and scanned the area. He’d roll them down the hill to the safety of a small copse of trees.
“Jay?” she asked, her hand on his shoulder. “Wake up.”
“What?” he asked. The dream faded away. He was in Alysse’s bed, on top of her. She had her hands on his chest and lightly pushed against him. Dammit, he weighed at least a hundred pounds more than she did and he was crushing her.
“Sorry,” he said, quickly rolling off her. He sat up and put his feet on the ground. With his head in his hands, he took several deep breaths.
“Are you okay?” she asked, gently touching his back.
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he said.
“That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, pulling on a nightshirt and moving around to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. She wrapped one arm around his shoulders and he didn’t want to let her comfort him. He’d scared her and jerked her out of sleep. He didn’t deserve this, but he sopped it up. He needed her. And that was scary because as Alysse had said in the dream, he was supposed to be her protector and he had no idea if he could do that.
“Um...no, I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. Hell, the last thing he wanted was to relive a single second of that nightmare.
She glanced over at the clock and he saw that it was nearly 3:00 a.m. “I guess I should head out and let you go back to sleep.”
“That’s not necessary. I have to get up in about an hour anyway,” she said.
He was still shaking a little and the effect of the dream was hard to dismiss. He had thought that he’d simply be able to waltz back into her life, answer a few questions for himself and then move on. But that wasn’t the case.
“How about I cook for you?” she suggested. “I know it’s early but we didn’t really eat last night.”
That sounded so normal and so comforting; she couldn’t even know how normal and comforting. But he wasn’t about to let himself stay here and put her in more danger. He knew there was no enemy waiting outside her door. The true enemy here was himself. He was a risk she didn’t need to take. He finally understood why she’d wanted to use him and move on and he regretted that he’d thought he could change her mind.
She deserved a man who could hold her through the night and not wake her with nightmares, she deserved a man who could sit in her kitchen and watch her cook without feeling a need to escape. She deserved a better man than he was and he knew he had to leave now before she started to fall for him again.
* * *
J
AY
GOT
UP
AND
PULLED
ON
his jeans and began to walk out but she was sitting on the edge of her bed, watching him, and he couldn’t do it. He realized that this might have been why he’d left her when she’d been sleeping in Vegas.
“What are you thinking?”
“That I am a mess right now. I’ve never had a dream that real before. Not like that,” he said, unable to stop himself.
“You aren’t a mess,” she said. “You’re human. You’re allowed to have cracks and to make mistakes.”
He wanted to smile at her but didn’t. Not now. But he’d always treasure this moment and recall it whenever he felt alone. He wanted to do something equally nice for her and decided he didn’t have to run away after all. He could stay here for her until she left for work.
“So what are you going to show me how to cook?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she said, getting to her feet.
She wore a nightshirt that said Kiss the Cook on it and fell to just above her knees. Her hair was tousled and her eyes still a little sleepy but she looked good. The last thing he wanted to do was go and get something to eat. He undid the fly of his jeans that he’d just fastened and pushed them down his legs.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking you back to bed where we both belong,” he replied, closing the gap between them and pushing her back onto the bed. He came down on top of her and her legs slid apart. His hips fitted nicely in the space there.
“We do seem to communicate better here than anywhere else,” she said. “But I think you need to do something to get your mind off the dream you had.”
“This is going to help. Believe me, making love to you doesn’t leave room for other thoughts.”
“Really? Why? Are you thinking about me?” she asked. She cupped his butt and arched her hips to rock.
“Like what?” she asked. “I’m thinking how right you feel between my legs. And how I like the feeling of your breath against my neck.”
“I enjoy that, too,” he said, reaching down to free his cock from his underwear and lift her nightshirt so that they were pressed, naked, together. It was easier for him this way.
“I also think about how pretty your breasts are under this shirt,” he said, leaning down to rub his cheek over her breast until the nipple hardened. He leaned up and then put his hot wet mouth on her nipple, sucking her through the fabric of her shirt. Then he slipped the tip of his cock inside of her body.
“I love the way you feel when I first enter you, Aly. When I’m not inside your body all I think about is when am I going to be able to make love to you again,” he said, entering her slowly, inch by inch.
She pushed up, trying to rush him but he kept himself still. He wanted to drive them both crazy and make this last as long as he could. She shifted underneath him and then reached between his legs to cup him.
He moaned. “Oh, baby, that feels so nice.”
“Good,” she said, continuing to tease him. Then she bit lightly at the side of his neck and pleasure spread through his body. He felt his resolve weakening. He slipped another inch inside her until he finally gave up on going slow and took her, his entire cock filling her.
She shuddered and tightened her legs around his waist, lifting her hips. She groaned his name and he thrust again and again until he felt his orgasm about to wash over him. He reached between their bodies and found her clit. He rubbed it as he pressed into her again and this time her body contracted around his cock. She gripped his shoulders, and screamed his name, holding nothing back. Her release was complete.
He pumped into her once more before coming inside her. Seated, he lay there with his head resting against her breast, letting his breathing slow. He tried to shift to his side but she still had her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders.
“Don’t go. Not yet,” she said.
He moved sideways so that their bodies remained connected. The room felt cool now that the sweat on his body had dried, and though he knew he shouldn’t stay, he ignored that voice. Instead, he pulled the comforter up from the end of the bed and tucked them both in it.
A part of him was more than ready to acknowledge that truly he didn’t know how they might make a future together, but for tonight he was content to just hold her.
9
S
ATURDAY
DAWNED
BRIGHT
and clear. It had been four days since the night at the beach and Jay had fallen into the habit of spending most evenings at Alysse’s place. They’d taken his bike and gone for a long ride up the highway from San Clemente last night and while she hadn’t been able to truly forget their situation, she had to admit she’d enjoyed it.
This morning, though, she really hadn’t been able to think too much about Jay. The kitchen was busy with two additional bakers who were helping since she and Staci had an event.
Alysse and the part-timers finished loading the last of the cupcakes for the Dana Point anniversary party into the back of her van. She and Staci had hired the two college students for weekends primarily. Marissa and Courtney were both eager and followed orders well, and someday they hoped to have their own kitchens where they were in charge. Marissa had said as much to Alysse ten minutes ago when Alysse had made her redo the icing on one batch of the cupcakes.
Alysse had been hoping that with the bakery being extra busy, she wouldn’t be alone with Staci given what she and Jay had started...which was what? “Seeing each other” didn’t sound right.
However, they had managed not only to see each other every day, but to spend their nights together, too. Still, there was no point to hiding; Alysse would be spending the next forty-five minutes alone in the delivery van with Staci.
She got behind the wheel and pointed the van north toward Highway 5 and the anniversary party. “Did you get your dish sorted?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Good. Was it for something special?” Alysse asked, knowing she hadn’t been paying that much attention to her friend’s life lately as she’d been consumed with Jay.
“Actually, it is. I’ve decided to try out for
Premiere Chef,
” she said.
“Really? Isn’t that a pretty intensive show?”
“Yes,” Staci said. “It is. If I get on I’d be gone from Sweet Dreams for ten weeks. I wasn’t sure how to bring this up because you’ve been busy with Jay and everything.”
Was Staci thinking of leaving Sweet Dreams? Alysse didn’t know if she could handle that right now. “It’s fine.”
“You look pale and about ready to wig out. It’s just that I’m getting restless.”
Alysse concentrated on her driving. “When will you know if you’re a contestant or not?”
“I’m going to L.A. tomorrow to pre-audition. How lame is that? You have to try out to try out,” Staci said. There was a note of nervousness in her friend’s voice.
“Lame,” Alysse agreed with a laugh, trying to act as if she was cool with it when inside she was slowly going into a meltdown. “Why are you doing the show? You don’t have anything to prove.”
Staci ran her hands through her spiky hair and then shook her head. “I do. I hate the thought of those cocky jerks on TV, whom I know I’m better than, being named Premiere Chef. I mean, come on,” she said.
Alysse just had to laugh at her friend’s ego. But she’d tasted Staci’s dishes at more than one dinner party and knew that she had the cooking chops to back up what she said.
“You’re definitely a good chef, but the competition on those shows is stiff and you’ve been a baker like me for the last four years,” Alysse said. Baking was different than the type of cooking that Staci would be required to do on
Premiere Chef.
She’d have to cook a meal in less than ten minutes and come up with unique dishes under pressure. It was a challenging environment.
“I’m getting bored,” Staci said. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a while. The timing never seemed right.”
“Talk about what?” Alysse asked. She hated this. Every time she started to feel comfortable and as if her life was on the right path, something like this happened. “Are you leaving Sweet Dreams?”
“I don’t know yet. I want to do this competition to see if I still have it in me to run with the big dogs, you know?” she asked.
Honestly, no, Alysse didn’t know. She liked the quietness of the bakery and the familiarity of the repeat customers. “I don’t see it, although I can understand that you want more. You are Cordon Bleu–trained.”
“Yes. And I think I’m finally ready.”
“For this competition? Or is it about being on TV?” Alysse asked, trying to understand exactly what Staci wanted.
“The competition. I was working in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Paris before things went belly-up and I ran back here to the States. I want that again. Last night I dreamed I was on the line and we were doing forty covers. The kitchen was crazy and I felt the energy...I miss it.”
“Then you have to go for it. You shouldn’t deny yourself the chance to pursue your dream. After all, Sweet Dreams was my idea and you helped me get it off the ground,” Alysse said. “So what do you need from me?”
“Just some time off to do the show if I get through the first audition. We should probably hire someone to help out with the baking,” Staci said.
“Yes. We’ll have to make some changes, I’d rather spend more time in the kitchen than up front so maybe hiring a full-time counter person would be better,” Alysse suggested.
“That might work. Sorry to spring it on you like this, but you’ve been busy every night after work.” Staci turned and looked out the window at the passing hills of Southern California.
“Yes, I have been,” Alysse admitted. She’d been busy trying to avoid Staci and her asking about the bad-boy Marine she was dating, whereas Staci had wanted to tell her about this
Premiere Chef
thing.
“It’s Jay that’s making you rush out the door every night, right?” Staci asked.
“Yes, it is. We’ve been trying to get to know each other again,” Alysse said. It seemed that she and Staci were both heading off in other directions. Maybe they’d both done as much as they could together and it was time for them to try things on their own again.
“And is that working?” Staci asked. “To be fair, you seem to be pretty happy most days.”
Alysse shrugged. “I like him. He can be a challenge sometimes and I’m not at all sure that he’s someone I can spend the rest of my life with, but going out every night reminds me of all I’ve missed. I guess, like you wanting to get back into a Michelin-starred kitchen, I had shut myself off from a lot of things.”
“Yes, you had. As I have pointed out on more than one occasion. But I’m glad to hear you admit it. I’ve been worried about you for a while because the bakery can’t be your life,” Staci said.
Alysse hated to admit it but Staci was right. She’d let the bakery become her entire life, and, to be honest, she was still doing that. She gave Jay the few hours at night before she went to bed, and then she rushed out in the morning while he was still sleeping.
She was glad for Staci though. The more they talked the less panicked she felt about Staci leaving to pursue a different dream. She would get through this change the way she always did—by finding a new comfort zone. She could and would do it.
“I know. To be honest, I think I was hiding there. It took so much effort to get the place up and running but now we have it under control,” Alysse said. And that was what bothered her. She liked the fact that she’d gotten the bakery to a point where things went smoothly. There was a lot to be said for having something in your life that did what it was supposed to.
“That’s why it seems like I should audition,” Staci said. Her friend was looking at her with a sort of question in her eyes.
“You are so right,” Alysse said to reassure Staci, but she found that she’d kind of reassured herself, too. “We both need to stop hiding in Sweet Dreams and go after the things that pushed us to create it in the first place.”
“True. It’s funny that we both were able to make something so successful and safe out of our disappointments,” Staci said.
It was, and it spoke to the women they both were, Alysse thought. She and Staci had run away from their problems by going into the kitchen and creating something new. Something that no one else had any control over and Alysse realized that sharing Sweet Dreams with Staci had helped her to survive that first year after Jay had left.
“I’ve never said it, but thank you for being my partner,” Alysse said. Staci had given her something other than winning to focus on. Without her dad or Toby in her life Alysse knew she’d have been moorless, just drifting from competition to competition, even though her mom had warned her she’d burn out.
“We’re da bomb. I’m not leaving the partnership, just the day-to-day stuff,” Staci said. “We’ve got a good thing going.”
“Yes, we do,” she said.
Alysse pulled into the parking lot at the Dana Point Marina and drove toward the center area near the yacht club so she could park the van for unloading. And, as they set up their cupcakes under the tent prepared for them, Alysse realized that she had wanted life to be predictable and safe but it never was. Even while she and Staci had been hiding at Sweet Dreams their pasts were waiting there to spring up again.
She was very glad that she was ready for the change. She had to stop hiding from the truth about Jay. The truth was hard to face but as she stood in the late-afternoon sun she admitted to herself that she still cared for Jay and the last thing she wanted was for him to walk out on her again.
They’d been playing house together, careful not to talk about anything of real importance. He didn’t discuss Company B with her any more than the one time she’d asked about it and he’d answered with a simple yes or no. So she’d stopped asking. She knew that they both needed to face some hard truths about their life together.
Now Alysse was thinking that Staci’s bold move meant that it was past time for her to step up and make some changes. She couldn’t just keep bumping along, because sooner or later she and Jay would have to talk about what they both wanted.
She knew she wanted more than what they had but she was afraid to admit it in case that would drive Jay away. By not admitting it, she wasn’t going to have what she really wanted anyway.
* * *
J
AY
WAS
STILL
UNEASY
about working out of an office, but Lucien had paired him with Donovan O’Malley on a basic mission where they would be guarding a foreign dignitary. It was right up Jay’s alley, which was good because he found himself thinking about Alysse at the most inopportune times.
“What branch you with?” Donovan asked. He was about Jay’s age and from Seattle.
“Corps. You?” Jay asked as he studied the other man from behind his aviator shades. The man was shorter than Jay and had more muscles. He had a buzz cut and a tribal-armband tattoo down his left arm. He wore jeans and a T-shirt and had done a good job of blending in with the crowd, even though Lucien had told Jay that Donovan didn’t have any special recon training.
“Army. I’m an infantryman, what about you?” he asked.
“Sniper,” Jay said. They had snipers in all the branches but he’d been trained by the best in the world, in Jay’s humble opinion.
“Have you been to Afghanistan?” Donovan asked. “I did two tours myself, but I got a bit tired of all that sand. I’m used to lots of lush greenery and rain.”
“I’ve been twice. I hear you on the sand. It gets in everything.”
“Yeah. That’s why I thought this job would be nice,” Donovan said, scratching the back of his head. “I was tired of dusting dirt off my cot before I went to bed.”
“Me, too,” Jay admitted, although he hadn’t slept any better the last four nights in Alysse’s comfortable sand-free bed. That had nothing to do with the mattress or the sheets and everything to do with Alysse. He’d been afraid to sleep in case he had another nightmare.
“So what do I need to do next?” Donovan asked. “I don’t want to screw this up. And I’ve never done anything like it before.”
“You won’t screw it up. You any good with a camera?” Jay asked, pulling a Nikon from his backpack and holding it out.
“I’m fair enough. What do you need shots of?” Donovan asked, taking the camera from Jay.
“The entire building and all the entrances. Do it close up from the sidewalk and then walk across the street and get some there. I’m going to check out the buildings nearby.”
Donovan nodded and started to walk away. “No problem. I’ll meet you back in thirty.”
“Sounds good,” Jay said, but the other man was already gone. Donovan was very good at taking orders—the kind of man who would be an asset to any team he was on.
Jay liked to get the lay of the land by walking it. He’d done it a thousand times before with a scout at his side.
He made notes and sketched a few things. They were in Santa Monica and close enough to the ocean that the breeze would make anyone targeting the guy Lucien was guarding difficult to shoot. It wasn’t an impossible shot, but most guys wouldn’t be able to hit their target with one bullet.
He sat where he’d sit if he were assigned to take out the target and made notes of the wind direction and the patterns as it changed. And, though he knew it was impossible, he could swear the ocean breeze carried the scent of Alysse on it.
Damn, he had no idea what he was going to do with that woman. He was no closer to figuring out his future than he had been when he’d ordered that special cupcake from her.
This job wasn’t the solution to the restlessness inside him and he was coming to realize that Alysse wasn’t either. It was as if he’d lost a part of himself when he’d been alone in the hospital recovering. He reached down and rubbed the top of his thigh where he’d had the injury. It didn’t hurt but he continued to remember the sensation.
Maybe he’d been meant to die and being here now...that was the mistake. He’d seen men with a hell of a lot more to lose than him die over there and that had bothered him. Why had he been spared when no one would have mourned for him? When men who had wives and kids back home hadn’t made it out?
There were some questions that were too hard to answer and Jay pushed them aside as he always did. For whatever reason, he was glad he was here now and that he had a second chance with Alysse. Maybe that was why he’d been spared?