Authors: ARUN GUPTA
have and call them. I will send you a call script on email. The mail will come
to you in five minutes. Until then, get those numbers out,’ Vroom said.
Noise levels rose in the main bay as hundreds of localized conversation
took place simultaneously. There was a frenzy as people took printouts of all
customer numbers in their database. Nobody was sure if the plan would work,
but people were willing to try anything to avoid layoffs.
Vroom and I came to our bay. He typed furiously on his computer and
tapped my shoulder after a few minutes.
‘Check your email,’ Vroom said and pointed to my screen.
I opened my inbox. Vroom had sent the mail to everyone in the call
center.
Subject: Operation Yankee Fear
Dear All.
Operating Yankee Fear’s single aim is to increase the
incoming call traffic
In the Connexions call center, capitalizing on Americans being the biggest
cowards on the planet. This will prevent the planned mass-layoffs and help
us buy more time to fix things around the place, including a marketing
efforts to get new clients.
Operation Yankee Fear cannot succeed without your 100% cooperation. So,
please read the instructions below carefully and relentlessly focus on
making calls for the next two hours. When you call each customer, the key
message you have to deliver is as follows:
1. Start by saying you are sorry to disturb them on Thanksgiving Day.
2. State that ‘evil forces’ of the world have unleashed a computer virus
that threatens to pervade every computer in America. This way the evil
forces will monitor every American and eventually destroy the American
economy. Tel them that, according to your information, the virus has
hit their computer.
3.
If asked what the ‘evil forces’ are, give vague explanation like ‘forces
that want to harm the US’ or ‘organizations that threaten freedom and
liberty’ etc. Remember, the more vague you are, the greater the
amount of fear you can create. Try to inject genuine panic into your
voice.
4.
To check whether the virus has hit them or not, make them do an
MSWord test. Tell them to open an empty MSWord file, and type in
=rand (200, 99) and press enter. If a lot of text pops comes out, that
means there is a virus. (Don’t worry: the text will pop out-it is a bug in
MSWord). Once that happens, your customers might start shaking in
fear.
5. Tell them you can save them from this virus as a) you are from India,
and all Indians are good at computers b) India has faced terrorism for
years and c) they are valued clients and you believe in customer
service.
6. However, if they want our help, they must keep calling the Connexions
call center every six hours. Even if nothing happens, they should just
call to say things are okay. (The shorter the calls, the better for us
anyway).
7. Once calls rise, I will speak to Boston about the sudden rise in traffic
and recommend we postpone the layoffs for two months.
After that, we can implement a revival strategy.
Cheers,
Varun @ WASG
Vroom grinned and winked at me as I finished reading the email.
‘What’s with the MSWord trick?’ I said.
I opened an empty Word document and typed in =rand (200,99).
As soon as I pressed Enter, two hundred pages of text popped out. It was
spooky, and went something like this:
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps
over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick
brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox
jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The
quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown
fox jumps …………
‘This is unbelievable. What is this?’ I said.
‘I told you. It’s bug in MSWord. Nothing is perfect. Now just wait and
watch the fun,’ Vroom said.
Vroom’s email reached a thousand mailboxes and agents read it
immediately.
Team leader further assisted agents in clarifying doubts. With in
minutes, agents were doing a job they knew only too well: calling people to
deliver a message as fast as possible. I left my bay and passed by the main
bay. I picked up random sentences from the telephone conversations.
‘Hello Mr William, sorry to disturb you on Thanksgiving. I am from
Western Computers with an urgent situation. America is under a virus attack,’
one agent said.
‘Yes sir, your computer as per our records is affected…’ said another.
‘Don’t freak out sir. But, yes, it looks like the evil forces have targeted
you,’ an eighteen-year-old agent said. ‘But we can save you.’
‘Just keep calling us. Every four to six hours,’ said one, as she ended
the call.
The more aggressive agents went a step further: ‘And I want you to tell
all your friends and relatives. Yes, they can call us too.’
Some customers panicked, and agents had to reassure them: ‘No
problem. We will save this country. The evil forces will never succeed.’
A thousand agents, four minutes to a call—we could do thirty thousand
calls in two hours. If they called us every six hours, we would have over a
hundred thousand calls a day. Even if this lasted a week, we would hit our
targets to cover the next two months. Hopefully, with a new manager and
extra sales effort, Connexions could recover. And for now, no one would lose
his or her job.
Vroom cam looking for me in the main bay. We went back to the WASG.
Vroom signaled me into the conference room.
‘The response is amazing. We have just called for thirty minutes, and
call traffic is up five times already.’ Vroom said.
‘Rocking man,’ I said. ‘You make me feel confident about our web
design company. But let’s go back to the desk, why have you called me here?’
‘We have to discuss the third private agenda.’
‘What’s that?’ I said.
‘The third agenda is for you. Don’t you want Priyanka back?’
#3
4
‘No. Priyanka and I are over,’ I said.
‘Be honest dude. You spoke to God and everything.’
I looked down. Vroom waited until I said something.
‘It doesn’t matter if I want to or not. Look at my competition. How am I
going to succeed against Mr Perfect Match Ganesh?’
‘See, that is the problem. We all think Ganesh is Mr Perfect. But nobody
is perfect.’
‘Yeah right. A house with a pool, a car that costs more than ten years’
of my salary, freaking working for the world’s top company—I don’t see much
imperfection in that.’
‘Everyone has a flaw, dude. The trick is to find a flaw in Ganesh.’
‘Well how are we ever going to do that? And even if we find a flaw in
him, what is the point? He is so good, Priyanka will still go for him,’ I said.
‘At least Priyanka will know she isn’t making the perfect trade-off,’
Vroom said.
I remained silent for two minutes. ‘Yes, but how do we find Ganesh’s
flaw now?’ I said and looked at my watch. It was 5:30 a.m.
‘There must be a way,’ Vroom said.
‘The shift is over in ninety minutes, and then Priyanka goes home. What
are you planning to do? Hire some instant detectives in Seattle?’ I said, my
voice irritated.
‘Don’t give up Shyam,’ Vroom said and patted my shoulder.
‘I am trying to forget Priyanka. But if you search within me, there is still
pain. Don’t make it worse, Vroom.’
‘Wow, what drama. Search within me, there is pain, Vroom said and
laughed.
‘Sorry for my lame lines. Let’s go back to the bay,’ I said.
‘Hey wait a minute. You just said
search
.’
‘Yes, search within me, there is still pain. Pretty cheesy, I know. Why?’
I said.
‘Search. That is what we can do. Google will be our detective. Let’s do a
search on his name and see what comes out. There could be some surprises.’
‘What? You want to do a search for Ganesh?’
‘Yes, but we need his full name. Let’s find out his college at well. I
think he did his masters in computers from the US,’ he said and grabbed my
shirt. ‘C’mon, let’s go.’
‘Where?’ I said, even as I let myself get dragged.
‘To the WASG bay,’ Vroom said.
Priyanka was busy on the phone, scaring Americans out of their wits. I
think she can put on that voice of authority when she wants, and it is
impossible not to believe her. It comes from her mother I think. Vroom spoke
to her after she had ended a call.
‘Hey Priyanka, quick question. My cousin also did a Masters in
computers from the US. Which college did Ganesh go to?’
‘Huh? Wisconsin I think,’ she said.
‘Really. Let me email my cousin and ask him if it is the same one. What
is Ganesh’s full name by the way?’
‘Gupta. Ganesh Gupta,’ Priyanka said as she prepared to make another
call.
‘Oooh Mrs Priyanka Gupta,’ Esha said in a mock high-society voice and
laughed. Priyanka pocked her with her elbow. Priyanka’s new name sent
ripples of pain down my rib cage.
‘Cool. Keep calling,’ Vroom said and went back to his seat.
As Vroom’s monitor was broken, he took control of my computer. He
searched for the following terms on google.com:
ganesh gupta drunk Wisconsin
ganesh gupta fines Wisconsin
ganesh gupta girlfriend
Several links popped out, but there was nothing we could make much
sense or use of. We hit upon Ganesh’s list of classmates, and found out that
he was in the Dean’s list in Boston.
‘Damn, what a boring guy. Let me try some more,’ Vroom said and did
some more searches.
ganesh gupta fail
ganesh gupta party
Nothing interesting came out.
‘Forget it man. He was probably the head boy in school,’ I said.
‘You bet, one of those teacher’s per types,’ Vroom said, letting out a
frustrated breath. ‘I give up. I am sure if I type something like this. Lots will
pop out, achiever that he is.’
ganesh gupta Microsoft award
More links popped out. We clicked through a few, and then we hit on
one with his picture. It was Ganesh’s online album.
‘Damn, it is him, with his buddies,’ Vroom whispered and clicked on the
link. ‘Let’s check out how ugly his friends are.’
The link opened to a webpage titled ‘Microsoft Award Party photos.’
The party was at Ganesh’s house. Ganesh had won some sidey developer
award at Microsoft. A couple of his friends had come to his house to
celebrate.
‘Do slideshow,’ I said as Vroom selected the option. We looked up once
to confirm the girls were busy with their calls.
As the picture came on the screen, we saw a garden party full of Indian
people. On the tables, there was enough food to feed a small town. I saw
Ganesh’s house and the over-hyped personal pool. It was no more than an
oversized bathtub, if you ask me, even though Ganesh had made it sound like
Olympic champions trained in it.
‘Hey, I think we found something. Check out our man,’ Vroom said. He
pointed to one of the photos in which Ganesh held a beer glass.
‘What is the big deal?’ I said. It was hardly scandalous to hold a glass of
beer. Priyanka herself could knock down ten of them if they were free.
‘Check out Ganesh’s head,’ Vroom said.
‘What/’ I said. I looked closer, and then I saw it.
‘Oh no,’ I said, and covered my mouth to keep my voice down.
In the picture, Ganesh had a bald spot in the middle of his head. It was
the size of the a Happy meal burger and had caught the camera’s flashlight.