Ophelia (3 page)

We walked back in the car. Although I felt the pain, the burn on my skin, it didn’t make my heart feel better. Maybe it will help me cope. I thought I would feel like I had them both with me, but I still felt so freaking helpless. My eyes were getting teary and a sob escaped my mouth as Bev was getting ready to drive us to the mall.

“Beverly, I’m all alone, I... I... can’t do this.” Ruining her day wasn’t my intention but I needed to talk about it. I couldn’t keep it all inside or it would have slowly killed me.

She took my hands in hers. “You are not alone, I'm here, and I’ll always be here.”

She was right, our friendship meant everything to us and I knew we would still be friends sixty years from now. “I know, I just want my parents back. I miss them.”

I saw the sadness in her eyes as she looked at me. “I feel so helpless. There’s nothing I can say that’ll make this situation better.”

“Nothing will make this better, Bev. This is my own little hell that I have to go through.”

Her hand patted my shoulder, and her love made me feel better. “I'm with you, Ophelia, okay?”

I was tired of crying all the time, it was exhausting.  I hid my face behind my hands and took a couple of deep breaths. I needed to be strong, I needed to focus on the good things I had in my life. I remembered the piece of paper tucked in the pocket of my jeans. In therapy, Josie had asked me to write what I believed was good in my life on a sticky note pad. It was one of our last sessions together and I've been keeping it on me since then. Every time I needed a reminder, I unfolded my little note and read my very short list.

My piano career

Beverly

I'm healthy.

It wasn't much but it was what I had. I smiled as I read it repeatedly. I felt better. The folded paper returned in my pocket.

“Where do you want to go now?”

“Shopping, I need a few things for tomorrow. I don’t know how it's gonna be over there.”

Time was flying and I was getting more anxious about the following day. If I kept to myself, I figured things would go smoothly. My therapy sessions were scheduled to continue on a daily basis, and that made me feel more secure. They truly helped me. I could talk about everything that bothered me, saddened me or any worries I had about my future. No matter how much I hated it, I was on my own and there were plenty of things I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to do without my mom or my dad by my side. All my life my dad took care of my piano journey. I had no clue what he had been working on at the moment. I took another deep breath and tried to blank my mind to start over. One step at a time, I had to keep reminding myself. Anyway, I was in no state to give a concert.

“Lia, are you coming?” Beverly asked climbing out of the car.

What?
We were at the mall already.
Damn, had I blanked out or what?

I got out of the car and felt a little dizzy. I took a couple of seconds to steady myself and met her on the other side of the car. Shopping was something that I had often done with Beverly, and our mothers.  All the memories I had around town were driving me nuts. I was seeing my mom everywhere and missing her even more.

“I... I don’t think I'll be able to come back here after, Bev.”

She turned around, obviously wondering what the hell I'm talking about. “Do you mind explaining?”

“When I turn eighteen, and I’m out of the center, I won’t be staying in Brooklyn. I need to go away, find a place of my own with no memories attached.”

I saw her bottom lip quiver. “O... Okay, we'll figure this out.”

We had never spent a day without seeing each other unless I was away for a concert. Living in another state wasn't to be taken lightly and I didn’t think being away from her was going to be possible. I shook off the thought again. The future would tell me how to deal with this. I still had a long way to go before I was ready to move.

“Let's focus on getting you some clothes now, okay?”

“Yeah.” I faked a smile. I didn’t really feel like shopping but I had to do it. I had lost a lot of weight and my pants were falling down. I only had one store to go to find everything that I needed. Although my mind wanted to head back to her place, my heart felt like trying to give Beverly a good time to thank her for being there for me. We deserved to have a nice afternoon even though I wasn't really in the mood.  I was happy for the moment, but there was this huge hole in my soul that kept reminding me I had lost the most important people in my life.

We shopped for most of the afternoon before returning to her house. I had laundry to do and I wanted to enjoy my last hours with my best friend.

“I'll miss you. Miss your crazy red hair, your laugh and your smile. I want you to promise that you'll call me if there is something wrong over there, okay? I want to be there for you even if we're physically apart.”

I smiled at her words. She was the best. “Thank you, Beverly.” I hugged her tight. “I will, I promise.”

We spent the remainder of the day talking. I did most of the chatting. She mainly listened to my new reality and she tried to help me as best as she could.

“Here, I want you to have this until I return from the center.” I removed my necklace, a white gold chain with a music note pendant. It was the first time in 7 years that I wasn’t going to wear it. It was the one thing I always kept with me, day and night, even in the shower.

“Are you sure?” she asked, knowing the meaning of this necklace. My parents had given it to me the night I was awarded the Youth Musician of the Year Award. It was the beginning of my career and I vowed never to stop playing after that.

“I'm sure.” I really was. I wanted her to have a piece of me with her.

As soon as I gave her my necklace, she put it on and looked at herself in the mirror. “I can't believe you’re letting me wear it. I've never seen you without it.” She smiled. “I want you to have this, my bracelet.”

She removed it and handed it to me. It was her grandmother's bracelet. I knew that it meant a lot to her.

“We’re all set now.” I laughed. “I don’t want this day to end though.”

She patted my shoulder reassuringly. “You'll do fine, Ophelia, you were always good with meeting new people.”

“Right.” She had a point, but this time, my heart was all mixed up in a whirlwind of emotions. Meeting new people meant more people to grieve over when my time at the center was over. My broken heart couldn’t bear to get attached to new people, it had suffered enough already.

... O ...

Saying my goodbye to Beverly was heartbreaking. I knew it was only a matter of a couple of months before we could hang out again, but it was still going to be hard. She was all I had left. I unfolded my sticky note and I read carefully my very short list.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, it's all going to be fine, I kept repeating in my head as I walked inside what was going to be my home for a little while.

***

Haunted by the past.

Each of my dreams relive the pain, the loss.

My eyes are hiding in a storm, blinded by memories.

***

H
ere I was sitting in the corner of the communal room wanting only one thing, to be left alone. I had no friends here and it was perfect that way. Most of the other residents were here at their parents’ request. Some of them were a little more than rebels defying every rule, and some were here because their parents were too stoned or drunk to raise them. I was brought up in a good family, and I liked to follow the rules, most of the time. 

“Why don't she talk to anyone? She's so weird,” I heard one of the youngest say about me. I wasn't deaf or mute, I’d simply decided to keep to myself. 

The rebellious Teo looked in my direction, and our eyes locked for a short moment. He nodded as if he wanted to salute me and I decided to look elsewhere, ignoring his tenth attempt to talk to me. ”She isn’t ready yet. She’ll probably come around soon.”

How could he say that? I could stay silent forever. Nothing mattered in my life anymore. I was alive, but that was all. I felt numb most of the time. Playing piano was the one thing that kept me sane, and I couldn't play as much as I wanted here. My time was limited because not everybody liked music as much as I did. The fact that there was a piano here surprised me. It needed repair, but at least it worked.

Thirty more minutes before I could start to play, I kept myself busy with some reading. That way the others wouldn’t be tempted to bother me. I tried to concentrate on the book so that I would stop looking at my watch every two minutes. Half an hour was nothing, I could get through this.

The time had come for me to meet with my passion. Each of my fingers placed on the white keys of the old piano, I started with a piece of my own, which I called Angels. I wrote this piece while I was hospitalized. Of course, I didn't have a piano to feel and listen to my creation, but from my knowledge, I was certain it had some potential. The first time I played the song, it didn't sound so good, but after reworking a few chords, the melody I imagined was there. It flowed and it made me really proud of myself.

The sadness and loss I felt at the hospital gave an edgy tone to the song.

As I played, my mind returned to the last few days. My first night here had been a nightmare. I wasn’t used to living with seven other teenagers, all of whom have more problems than me. I regretted not demanding to be emancipated at that point, but I remembered that I needed a safe place for a little while. The way I felt here was not like anything I had experienced. I felt as strong as a mouse, one who was surrounded by noisy hyenas. They all wanted a piece of my life, of my secrets, but I refused to share, so that made them hungrier and desperate to know what had happened to the quiet, red-headed girl.

Here, I kept to myself. I would only speak when there was no way out of it. I didn't want to build any friendships because I knew I wasn't going to stay in Brooklyn, let alone New York. Not making friends protected me from getting hurt again. I couldn't let my heart lose a loved one again. Later, when I stabilized, I would rethink the whole situation, but not now.

Some nights I had audience, but other nights, I played by myself and it was easy to let my mind wander to the music. It felt so good when I was playing. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I sat there in my own little universe and life became more bearable. Tonight, though, I had him sitting by the piano watching as my fingers danced on the black and white keys. At first, he had tried to get me to speak, but after more than fifteen attempts, he gave up. His name was Teodore but everybody here called him Teo. From my understanding, he'd been here for a couple of months and all the younger boys looked up to him. He cared about them and played nice to them most of the time, but I heard he was not to be messed with when he was having a bad day.

My piece was coming to an end and I knew my time at the piano was about to be over. Not wanting to waste a moment, I switched to another piece without taking a pause. His eyes met with mine. “Frederic Chopin?” he asked, and I nodded with a hint of a smile. I was surprised he recognized it because it wasn't the composer’s most famous piece. “My mom really liked Chopin. In her opinion, he was the greatest.” He added, his eyes welling up.

It broke my heart to see the sadness in his eyes. I knew it wasn't something he would let just anyone to see. Even though I kept quiet, he must have felt like he could trust me.

“He's my favorite.” I said, my voice raspy. The sound of it almost surprised me.

His eyebrows furrowed and a smirk appeared on his face. “Did you just speak to me or am I hallucinating?”

I rolled my eyes, I didn't like that he was making a big deal out of it. “I did,” I said returning my eyes on the piano, embarrassed.

“My mom isn't dead, but she is in a coma and has been for over a year now. The chances she will ever wake up is close to none.”

How terrible I thought. Knowing someone is alive and not being able to talk to her, to look in her eyes. To connect in any way. It would drive me nuts.

“I’m sorry. My parents are gone – I’m alone.” I looked him straight in the eye and I stopped playing. I hated that I'd opened up about it so easily. I bit on the inside of my cheek fiercely, I was so angry.

“I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you are worried about.”

Could I trust him? I would only find out with time. “Thank you.” The words escaped my mouth and I started playing again.

“Teo, can you come here? Luke is being mean again.” One of the youngest boys came in, interrupting us.

His eyes shifted for one second to the left of my line of sight. “I’m in the middle of something here. I can’t.” He waited, watched the little boy leaving the room, grumbling something incoherent. “Is this why you have nightmares every night?” he asked curiously as if we had never been interrupted.

Embarrassed, I wished he hadn't heard me or the sounds that escaped me while I slept, but I nodded anyway. The things I had seen that night would terrify me as long as I lived.

My time at the piano came to an end. I always dreaded that moment because I wished I’d had time to play one more piece. I took my sheet music and stood up. Teo was standing by the piano, probably waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t. I only gave him a small polite smile before I turned around and headed out of the room.

“Ophelia, stop!” He grabbed my arm and restrained me. I turned my gaze to his, wondering what he wanted. “You can talk to me, okay? I’ll listen and I’ll try to help.” He paused. “You aren't like anyone else here. I mean, you don't brag about how bad your life is or how tough you are and it’s refreshing. I want to be there for you because I know that deep down, you need someone to talk to.”

Fuck! I didn't know what to say, he had ambushed me. And the worst part was, he had a point. I needed someone.

“Just say something.”

I was scared to say anything. “Thank you, but I can’t.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Unless you are legally prohibited from speaking, you can. And I strongly doubt a judge would do such a thing.”