Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (9 page)

Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a drink. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a colorful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he’s looking at it, Sharon walks back in.

Melvyn says, “What’s this?”

Sharon says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, “Jeez—oooh—I—” Sharon then says, “Yes, he’s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Responses to kosher pick-up lines:

Abe: “Haven’t we met before? In Israel, maybe?"

Hetty: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the Tel Aviv VD Clinic.”

Abe: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before? At the Israeli dance class maybe?"

Hetty: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Abe: “I just love Jewish affairs—is this seat empty?"

Hetty: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Abe: “I live in Brooklyn—shall we go to your place or mine?"

Hetty: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Abe: “I’m an accountant—so what do you do for a living?"

Hetty: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Abe: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Hetty: “Unfertilized!"

Abe: “I’m very experienced and I know how to please a woman.”

Hetty: “Then please leave me alone.”

Abe: “You’re such a beautiful Jewish girl that I want to give myself to you.”

Hetty: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Abe: “I’m a stockbroker in the City and I can tell that you want me.”

Hetty: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you—to leave.”

Abe: “I’m a connoisseur of beautiful Jewish women and if I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”

Hetty: “Yes, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Abe: “My father is big in real estate and I’d go through anything for you.”

Hetty: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Abe: “I have lots of money which I’d use to go to the end of the world for you.”

Hetty: “Yes, but would you stay there?"

Benny, the
shadchen
(matchmaker), goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Abe, you mustn’t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says Benny.

“Don’t bother,” replies Abe, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good,” said Benny, “but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters.’ I didn’t say they were mine!”

A
shadchen,
having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her. Cyril took one look at the girl to whom the
shadchen
elaborately introduced him and recoiled.

“What’s the matter?” asked the
shadchen.

“You said she was young,” whispered Cyril, “but she’s forty if she’s a day! You said she was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely, but she’s fat enough for two! You said—”

“You don’t have to whisper,” said the
shadchen.
“She’s also hard of hearing.”

Benny had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single. In desperation, Benny met with a
shadchen
who listened and said, “I have just the girl for Solomon—Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara.”

“Who?”

“Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, that’s who.”

“A
shiksa?"

The
shadchen
sighed. “In these enlightened times, what’s wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism—they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they’re wealthy and the girl is a real beauty Look, I’ll write the names down together.”

SOLOMON GOLDMAN—ZARA PHILLIPS.

Benny thought the names looked very good together, but said, “I also have to consider Aunt Bette. She is very religious and if she found out Solomon was marrying a
shiksa,
she’d kill herself.”

So an appointment was made to see Bette.

For several hours, the
shadchen
pleaded, argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears in her eyes, Bette said, “Well, maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t be so old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I won’t object. I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name so no one will know my shame.”

Even though he was worn out, the
shadchen
left Bette’s house in high spirits. As soon as he got into his car, he opened his little book to the page where both names had been written and put a tick after the name “Solomon Goldman.”

He then said, with a huge sigh of relief, “Half done!”

Moshe the tailor felt it was time to get a wife so one day he plucked up courage to visit a
shadchen.
The
shadchen
immediately offered him a beautiful young lady “This girl is quite gorgeous. She’s a real prize, especially as she wants to settle down with a husband right away. Yours would be a wedding made in heaven,” said the
shadchen.

But Moshe was a businessman and he never made decisions quickly. “Look, I need more information,” Moshe told her. “Whenever I buy any cloth, I always ask to see some swatches first. So before I decide on a wife, I want to see a sample also.”

The
shadchen
said she would pass on Moshe’s request directly to the lady in question. She then went to visit the intended bride. “My client says he is a good businessman and needs to find out exactly what he’s buying. He insists on a sample.”

“OK,” replied the girl, “I understand—I am also good at business. Tell him that I don’t give samples but I am prepared to give him references.”

A
shadchen
corners a poor student and says, “Do I have a girl for you!"

“I’m not interested,” replies the student.

“But she’s a very beautiful girl,” says the
shadchen.

“Really?” says the student, a bit more interested now.

“Yes. And she’s also very rich.”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family.”

“It all sounds great to me,” says the student, “but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She’d have to be crazy”

Replies the
shadchen,
“Well, you can’t have everything in life!”

Son: “How much does it cost to get married, Dad?”

Father: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”

Jacob and Rifka had been married for 65 years. When they were asked whether, in all those years, they had ever thought of divorce, they replied, “Heavens, no. Murder, yes, but divorce never.”

Little Sam was out shopping with his mother, something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, “I’m very sorry, Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy you a toy”

Sam angrily said, “I’ve never met a woman as horrible as you.”

Holding his hand gently, she replied, “Sam, darling, one day you’ll get married and then you will—you really will, I promise you.”

Jewish marriage advice:

“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”

Negative views on marriage:

Bernie says marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence—a life sentence.

Sadie says marriage is a three-ring circus—engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Bernie and Sadie say that married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens; in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens; in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Sadie says that getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends—you order what you want but when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Bernie says a happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking—the husband gives and the wife takes.

Sadie says love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Bernie says that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it’s love, but after marriage, it’s self-defense.

Bernie told Sadie during their courtship that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he IS going through hell.

Confucius, he say, “Man who sinks into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.”

Bernie says, “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”

Bernie and Sadie say that after marriage, a husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Bernie and Sadie say marriage is when man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Bernie says before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.

Bernie says it’s not true married men live longer than single men—it only seems longer.

Bernie says man is incomplete until he gets married—then he is finished.

Sadie says it doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Sadie says when a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing—either the car is new or the wife is.

Love versus marriage:

Love is holding hands in the street—marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for two at the Ritz—marriage is Chinese takeout.

Love is cuddling on a sofa—marriage is deciding which sofa.

Love is talking about having kids—marriage is talking of getting a break from kids.

Love is losing your appetite—marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame—marriage is a flickering TV.

Victor and Leah were an elderly couple who had been dating for some time. One day, they decided it was finally time to get married. But first, they needed to discuss how their marriage might work. They talked about finances, living arrangements, health and finally, their conjugal relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” Victor asked Leah, with a smile on his face.

“Oh, I like to have it infrequently,” replied Leah.

Victor thought about this and then asked, “Was that one word or two?”

Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?

A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.

Q: Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?

A:Because they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Q: What do you instantly know when you see a well-dressed Jewish husband?

A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.

Q:How many Jewish husbands does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A:We don’t know—it’s never happened.

Q: What’s the best way to always remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Forget it just once.

Q: What do you call a Jewish man who’s lost eighty percent of his brain?

A: A widower!

Rachel and Moshe were invited to a posh masked, fancy dress Chanukah party. Unfortunately, Rachel had a terrible headache and told Moshe to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Moshe protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So Moshe put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.

After sleeping soundly for an hour or so, Rachel awoke without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. She knew that Moshe didn’t know what costume she was going to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So Rachel put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party. Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner and devoted all his time to her—to this new beauty who had just arrived. Rachel let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make for his behavior.