Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (6 page)

Sam tells his mother that he has got engaged at last. His mother is happy but a little bit worried as well. She just has to ask him, “Is she Jewish?"

“Of course she is, Mom. I’ll bring her to dinner this evening so you can meet her.”

That night Sam arrives with three beautiful women—a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. “Mother I want you to guess who is my fiance,” says Sam smiling.

But his mother is not pleased at all. All she wanted to do was to speak to her son’s fiance one-to-one first without playing silly games. She doesn’t know where to start.

She waits patiently and gives it some thought. When the meal is over, she calls Sam into the kitchen. “I know which one she is,” she says.

“Which one, then Mother?” asks Sam.

“The blonde.”

“Yes, you’re right. How on earth did you guess?”

“I knew as soon as I saw her, I couldn’t stand the sight of her.”

Sadie was stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”

Sadie quickly replied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stamp on a glass?

A: Because it’s probably the last time he’ll have a chance to put his foot down.

Q: You’re at a Jewish wedding. How can you tell if it’s Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?

A: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride’s mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzo ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can’t stop hugging and kissing Sarah.

Finally she says, “Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing.”

Sarah says, “Mom, I got married.”

“Oy,
Mazeltov,
says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What’s he like? What does he do? Where is he?”

“He’s waiting outside while I tell you.”

“What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law.”

Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear.

Bette says to Sarah, “You stupid idiot. I said marry a
rich
doctor!”

Freda and Moshe were getting married at Babylon synagogue and all was going fine until the rabbi discovered that Freda and Moshe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately made throughout the synagogue and finally, the
chazan
found them sitting in the synagogue basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor and crying. The rabbi approached Freda and said, “Why are you all crying on this most happy and important day of your lives?"

Freda looked up at the rabbi and replied, “My parents are alive and Moshe’s parents are alive. Who are we going to name the baby after?”

Jeffrey, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, “This shows everyone that your bride is pure.”

Thoughtful, Jeffrey goes to his father and asks, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”

His father looks at Jeffrey in surprise—“All domestic appliances are white!”

When Louis was younger, he just hated going to Jewish weddings. All his uncles and aunts used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, “You’re next, Louis.”

But they stopped doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

“Congratulations, Moshe,” said the bridegroom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” replied Moshe.

“I know, I know,” replied his uncle.

Moshe, an elderly man, was listening to a nutritionist addressing a large audience in Chicago. “Did you know,” said the nutritionist, “that the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us, soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with monosodium glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most of us don’t realize the long-term harm being caused by additives to our drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

Moshe stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”