Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (2 page)

The chairman replied, “Snow and storms are also ‘acts of God,’ but when it gets to be too much, we wear rubbers.”

“I’m getting operated on tomorrow.”

“Oh? What are they going to do?”

“Circumcise me!”

“I had that done when I was just a few days old.”

“Did it hurt?”

“I couldn’t walk for a year.”

And Moses said unto the Lord, “We are Your chosen people and You want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?”

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe.

A tax official visited a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold accompanied him.

“So rabbi, tell me please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”

“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”

“Ah. So what about candles after they are burned? What do you do with the ends?”

“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”

“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”

The rabbi, wearily, replied, “We send them to the city as well.”

“To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?”

“Today they have sent you to us.”

Q:
If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a
mohel
carry?

A:
A bris
kit.

Q:
What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than eight days old?

A: A girl.

Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them. One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, “I want to be castrated.”

“You want to be WHAT?”

“I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once.”

The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of $4,000, he carried out the operation.

Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table. “Hey, Barney,” said one of the group, “Do you think there’s any truth to the rumor that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?”

Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself “Circumcised, that was the word I’ve been trying to think of.”

Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for New York some years earlier, returns to visit his family.

“But Benjamin, where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.

“Mother,” he replies, “In Brooklyn, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least you keep the Sabbath?” his mother asks.

“Mother, business is business. In NYC, everybody works on the Sabbath.”

“But kosher food you still eat?” asks his mother.

“Mother, in New York, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”

Then silence, while his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, “Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?”

David’s watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.

“Can I help you?” asked the man behind the counter.

“I want this watch repaired,” said David.

“I’m sorry. I don’t repair watches.”

“Well, how much for a new one then?” asked David.

“I don’t sell watches.”

“You don’t sell watches?”

“No, I don’t sell watches.”

“Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?”
“I don’t sell clocks.”

David was getting exasperated. “You don’t sell watches, you don’t sell clocks?”

“No, I’m a
mohel,”
replied the man.

“Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?”

“If you were a
mohel,
tell me, what would you put in your window?”

“It won’t be long now,” said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.