Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (7 page)

Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.

Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the synagogue, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the
chuppah.
As the ceremony starts, the rabbi whispers to Maurice, “Pull down your trousers.”

“Rabbi, I’ve changed my mind,” says Maurice, “I think I prefer the traditional service.”

My dear Moshe,

I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since

I broke off our engagement. Won’t you please, please forgive me?

Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit

that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you.

All my undying love,

Beckie

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S.
Mazeltov
on winning the lottery this week.

Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"

She replied, “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”

Shlomo and Rifka had just got married and were on their honeymoon.

On the first night, as he was making love to Rifka for the first time, Shlomo looked down at her and asked, “Am I the first man to make love to you, Rifka?”

Rifka looked up at him and replied, “No Shlomo. I’m sure I would have recognized you.”

Maurice and Hannah got married and were on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed together for the first time. As soon as Maurice removed his shoes and socks, Hannah quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were.

“Whatever happened to your feet?” Hannah asked.

“I had a childhood disease called tolio,” replied Maurice. “Don’t you mean polio?”

“No, tolio, it only affects the toes,” Maurice said. Maurice then took off his trousers to reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees.

“What happened to your knees?” Hannah asked.

“Well, I also had kneasles,” replied Maurice.

“Don’t you mean measles?”

“No, kneasles, it only affects the knees,” Maurice said.

Finally Maurice removed his pants and stood there in all his glory.

Hannah gasped and said, “Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!”

Fay and Cyril get married and on their first night in bed, Cyril puts his arm around Fay and very sweetly whispers, “Fay, darling, please pull up your nightgown.”

Very sweetly Fay answers, “Nooo.”

Cyril asks again, a little sterner, “Fay, pull up your nightgown.”

Fay again says, “No.”

Cyril is now angry and says, “Fay, pull up your nightgown or I’m going out the door and you’ll never see me again.”

“No,” says Fay.

So Cyril gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fay immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Cyril is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, “Fay, my darling, open the door, it’s me.”

Fay says, “Nooo.”

Cyril knocks a little louder, “Fay, sweetness, please open the door.”

“No,” says Fay.

Cyril starts kicking the door and shouts, “Fay, open this door right now or I’ll break it down.”

Fay says, “Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can’t pull up?”

Benny and Max meet one Shabbes while parking their cars down a little road out of sight of the synagogue. As they begin their five-minute walk to the synagogue, Benny says, “I’m glad I’ve bumped into you, Max. It’s my parents’ golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you to come to the party.”

“It’s nice of you to ask,” replies Max, “Thank you, yes, I will come.”
“And if you have some friends you can bring with you, please do so,“ says Benny, "It will be nice to have a lot of people at the party.”

“Yes. I can bring Hymie Cohen and Melvyn Levy.”

“Great, but don’t forget to remind them to bring something gold.”
“OK.”

So Max brought a goldfish, Hymie Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Melvyn Levy brought Howard Goldberg.

Sadie and Maurice were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Bloom’s Restaurant in Miami. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a lawyer, went over to him.

“What’s the matter, Maurice,” he asked. “Why do you look so sad?”
“Do you remember on my fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”

“Yes,” answered Michael, “I said you would get twenty years in jail.”
“Well,” said Maurice, “I would have been a free man tonight!”

Shlomo asks his wife, “Where shall we go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"

Sarah replies, “Somewhere I have never been!”

So Shlomo says, “How about the kitchen, then?”

Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long-lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Ocean Parkway community. So it was no surprise when
a Jewish Chronicle
reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained Shlomo. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn’t gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ ”

One day, Moshe goes up to his boss and says, rather timidly, “Mr. Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my golden wedding anniversary.”

“What
chutzpah
you have,” replies Mr. Gold. “Is this what I’m going to have to put up with from you every fifty years?”

It was Hetty and Benjy’s silver wedding anniversary. Hetty says, “Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour.” Benjy replies, “Yes, of course I do, Hetty. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life.”

Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement home in Brooklyn and were celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. Although David, Henry and Alan, their three sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting their parents less and less in recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday lunch. As usual, they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began.

“Happy Anniversary, mom and dad,” shouted David, “I’m sorry I’m late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. So I didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present.”

“Don’t worry,” said Moshe, “the main thing is, we’re together, aren’t we?”

Henry then came over. “Hi, dad, you’re looking great. And wow, mom, don’t you look good also? You’re looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d been working on for the last six months. So I came here straight from JFK and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?”

“It’s nothing,” said Moshe, “the main thing is we’re all together.”

Then Alan came in and said, “Hi mom and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing that I didn’t have time to buy you anything.”

Moshe sighed and replied, “I don’t care as long as I have my three sons together.”

Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a reflective mood, said, “Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to America during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I’m sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn’t seem so important, so—”

The three sons gasped, “Dad, do you mean ... do you mean—we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, too.”