Authors: Brei Betzold
Chapter
4
I
hadn’t realized anyone had followed me until someone picked me up. I
immediately started to fight while my chest felt like it was being tightened in
a vice. I couldn’t breathe, my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my
chest. I instinctively fought against the person holding me too tightly. No
this could not be happening, not again, I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs
to scream.
“Shhh
Scout, shhh, it’s Simon. I’m just taking you in the house.”
I
heard him talking to me but couldn’t fully understand all the words that
followed. It was Simon, it wasn’t him, I was safe, but I couldn’t get my body
to listen to that. I continued to fight and struggle from his hold. I felt
hands running over my hair, I think trying to soothe me but it only made me
fight harder.
“Stop
that,” A voice snapped, “no, not the BuSpar, get the Ativan.”
When
I was finally put down, and no one else was touching me, I stopped struggling,
and curled into a ball as tight as I could make myself. No, I wouldn’t let
this happen again. I would not survive a second time.
“Scout,
I need you to open your mouth.” A stern voice told me. I ignored the voice
making myself an even smaller target.
“Damn
it, Scout, let’s not do this the hard way.” I whimpered and the tears began
sliding down my face.
A
sigh from the other side of the room caused me to flinch. “Liam, Kale,” was
all I heard before hands were on me pinning me down. I still couldn’t
breathe. I began to shake as another hand clamped onto my jaw pulling it
open. I began to fight again, struggling to get away from him. Something was
shoved onto my tongue then my jaw was clamped shut so I could not spit it out.
After a few seconds all the hands were gone. I curled back into an even
tighter ball and held myself; I didn’t know what he would do to me this time.
“Thank
God they now have dissolving pills,” muttered a voice near me. I started
rocking myself as best as I could while lying on my side. Soon my brain began
to muddle and I could hear whispering until finally, it all stopped and my eyes
drooped. I fought it knowing I wasn’t safe if I fell asleep, he would hurt me
maybe even kill me this time, but I couldn’t fight for long and sleep took
over.
I
woke up slowly, my brain was an addled mess. I couldn’t remember where I was
or what had happened. I opened my eyes and realized I was in a living room,
but couldn’t place it other than I had been there before. I started feeling my
chest tighten and my breathing speed up and then I heard a familiar voice.
“No,
Cas, this one was mild.” Simon said, I looked around frantically trying to find
him. He sat on the opposite side of the couch with my cell. I took a deep
breath and let it out slowly, it was starting to come back to me, the rental, I
was in the rental’s living room, lying on the couch. I slowly stretched out my
cramped muscles, with how I was feeling, I knew I had had another panic attack.
“Hold
on, Cas, she’s up,” Simon said, “How you feeling Scout?”
I
shook my head at him letting him know I wasn’t ready yet, he nodded and went
back to talking to my brother. I’m sure reassuring him that it wasn’t as bad as
it could be. I hated the panic attacks and causing Cas to worry about me but
nothing I, nor the doctors did seemed to completely negate the attacks.
“Okay,
Cas, I’ll tell her. Yeah man I’m watching her. Don’t worry, just take care of
yourself.” I heard Simon say then saw him put my cell on the coffee table from
the corner of my eye.
“It
wasn’t that bad this time, Scout.” He said softly, I looked over at him and saw
the vacant look in his eye, probably remembering when it was bad, he had the
memories that I did not. I couldn’t remember blocks of time from all the meds,
but he and those around me remembered and seemed to be haunted by them. I
nodded my head letting him know I heard. They also knew that I wouldn’t be up
to talking about it or anything for a while.
I
finally completely stretched out my small frame making sure not to touch him.
I could not stand being touched at this point, no matter who you were.
“Cas
said he loves you and that he will see you soon.”
I
nodded again and rolled over to face the couch, letting sleep take me under
once more, accepting I was safe. Simon would watch over me.
I
stretched out arching like a cat and felt warmth behind me, when I released the
stretch I noticed a warmth to the front of me too, I smiled. I opened my eyes
and found a drooling Liam facing me. I looked behind me and found Kale spooned
around my back. I was grateful that we were in my room instead of theirs;
their sheets scared me a little. I brushed Liam’s hair off his face and kissed
his forehead. I noticed that above my head that their hands were interlocked
and I smiled fondly at that. They were always touching each other in some
small way, even in sleep. I untangled myself from them and quietly snuck out
of my bedroom. I looked back at their sleeping forms and noticed that without
me in the middle they were scooting closer to one another as if magnets
attracted to the other. I sighed quietly, shut the door with a small audible
click, and made my way towards the kitchen where I could smell coffee.
I
walked in the kitchen and noticed Simon sitting at the small table looking at
something on the laptop. I grabbed the largest cup I could find and poured
myself a cup of the nectar of life. Coming up behind Simon and smiled when I
saw what he was looking at, Cam and Zadok on Skype. I waved at them and blew
my favorite little man a kiss, then left Simon quietly talking to his wife and
son. I went to the living room sat down on the couch tucking my feet under me
and reached over grabbing my Kindle.
I
felt someone plop down on the couch, I peeked up to see Simon sitting there
looking at me so I did what I do best, ignored him. When he finally realized I
wasn’t going to put my Kindle down, he started nudging me with his foot and
loudly clearing his throat. I kept reading, knowing that eventually I would
get the response I wanted.
“Damn
it, Scout, we need to talk,” he finally barked out at me.
I
looked up giving him my most innocent face. “Oh you wanted to talk to me?”
He
growled, reached over taking my Kindle and tossing it on the loveseat beside
him. “You knew I did.”
“What
did you want to talk about, oh wise one?”
He
sighed running his fingers through his hair. “First off, are you okay?” I
nodded watching him expectantly.
“You’re
sure?”
“Yeah,
I’m fine.” I said quietly.
“Do
you even remember waking up in the middle of the night screaming?” He asked
knowing as well as I did, that sometimes I didn’t remember things like that. I
shook my head and looked down at my hands. That explained why Liam and Kale
were in bed with me this morning though. Some of my meds made me forget
things, lose time, and make me feel off the next day.
“Have
you taken your meds this morning?”
“Yeah
took them already.” I understood he wasn’t checking on me, he knew I always
took my meds, but sometimes after an episode and extra meds, I didn’t remember.
“Okay,
you need to call Saul.” He stated meekly.
I
jerked my head up and glared at my best friend, “You didn’t.” He at least had
the good sense not to look at me at that moment. He knew I did not want my
grandpa brought into this anymore than he had too.
“He
had to know he was going to be here.” He whispered in his defense.
I
deflated, I had forgotten about him, or blocked it out. He was right, Saul
would want to know about that, and I would need paperwork that he had. Then
another thought came to mind and I was getting pissed again.
“You
didn’t tell Cas, did you?”
“No
I didn’t tell Cas. I know you do not want him worried about you, and he can’t
do anything where he’s at now. Just make sure you realize keeping this from
him is going to piss him off when he gets here.”
I
let out a breath. “I know, and I will deal with that, but he has to keep his
mind on keeping himself safe, not on me.”
“I
know, and I agree, which is why I didn’t tell him.”
“Okay,
guess I will call Saul, might as well get it over with.”
He
nodded. “He’s contacting the lawyer to have any paperwork we need sent over,
as well as making him aware in case he needs to contact anyone.”
I
leaned over and kissed Simon on the cheek. “Thank you, I know I am not always
the easiest person to be around.”
He
wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Scout, it’s not your fault, what happened
to you, that should never happen to anyone.”
“Okay.”
I whispered and left to go outside and call my grandpa.
I
walked out onto the back patio and looked around; I hadn’t been out here yet. There
was a small table and chair set out, and a metal storage shed over in the back
corner of the small postage stamp back yard. It didn’t take me nearly as long
as I had hoped to see everything. I took a deep breath and pulled up his
number, might as well get it over with. I knew the sooner I called the better
his mood would be.
He
picked up on the first ring, “Girl.”
“Hey
Saul,” I replied to his gruff one word acknowledgment.
“Girl,
what kind of mess have you gotten yourself in this time?” He asked.
Most
would hear his gruff, terse tone and think that he didn’t care, or was angry
but I knew better. Saul was just Saul, an old grizzly bear of a man who loved
me, and wanted nothing to happen to me.
“It’s
okay, Saul, Simon is here, and Cas will be here in a few weeks.”
“Don’t
care, Girl, I am driving up with Cam.” I opened my mouth to tell him he didn’t
need to come but as usual, he knew what I would say. “And no arguing Girl, you
do as you’re told and stay close to Matt and Simon.”
“Yes,
sir,” I answered.
“Okay,
I need to go, do as you’re told, Girl.” He repeated then hung up, my grandpa
ever the chatty Kathy.
I
walked back inside where I found three grown men staring at the contents of our
fridge like lost little boys, then as one, their eyes found me.
I
sighed loudly and as dramatically as possible, “Saul’s coming.”
They
all nodded their heads and turned to stare at the fridge, as if something would
have miraculously shown up there in the past five seconds their heads were
turned.
“So
who’s going to the grocery store with me?” I asked. Who knew a simple question
could make three grown men run?
Chapter
5
I
took a quick shower and got dressed. When I headed into the living room, I
found all three of my housemates in front of the TV watching some football
game. I walked over and stood in front of the TV, they immediately started
shouting at me to get out of the way, but I ignored them and reached behind me
looking for the power button. When I found it, I flipped it off, causing them
to yell even more, I only smirked at them in reply.
“Okay
boys, we’re going grocery shopping.” I yelled over them. They all looked at me
as if I had grown a second head. “No, this is not debatable, we are all going
to the store. I have no problem cooking for all of you, but I do draw the line
at being the one stuck going to the store by myself.”
“You’ll
cook?” Kale asked, getting excited.
“Yep.”
I said popping the p at the end.
“Then
what are we waiting for, let’s go shopping!” Exclaimed Liam jumping off the
couch and heading towards the door. I smile, looking over at the other two who
were quickly following behind; I knew that would work.
We
went out and climbed on our bikes, I looked over and smiled at Simon, “Fancy a
race?”
He
chuckled, “Sure, what do I get when I win?”
“You
can pick dinner tonight.” I stated then pulled my helmet on. Starting my bike,
it wasn’t the deep throaty rumble of the others, my Ducati purred.
I
looked over and winked then hit the throttle, making it to the stop sign before
he had the chance to leave the driveway. “You coming?” I yelled over at him
and took off.
I
pulled into the parking lot, took my helmet off, and stood up waiting; they
rolled in about a minute after me. I smiled over at Simon waiting for him to
turn off his chopper, “So did I win?” He glared at me, while Liam and Kale
took off their helmets chuckling at us.
“What
do you want?” He growled.
“You’re
on dish duty tonight.”
“I
fucking hate doing the dishes.” He complained.
“I
know,” I smiled evilly at him, “have fun.”
I
turned and headed into the store, wanting to get the shopping over quickly as
possible. Since we were on bikes we couldn’t carry much, which is why I made
them come with me, more space.
When
they caught up to me, I looked over at Kale, “Whatcha want for dinner, Kale?”
“I
get to pick?”
“Yeah,
you get to pick.”
He
smiled widely. “Breakfast.”
I
nodded expecting as much. “And what kind of breakfast do you want this time?”
“Hmm,
stuffed french toast?”
“Okay,
bacon?”
“You
really have to ask?”
“Let’s
go get stuff for breakfast. Liam leave the carts alone, no shopping cart races
today.”
He
looked over at me and gave the best pouty face I had ever seen, only problem, I
was immune. I shook my head at him, and pointed at Kale who took the buggy,
and we headed off on our shopping excursion.
An
hour later, we stood out in the parking lot looking back and forth between the
four bikes and the basket full of bags. Next time I would just go on my own,
it was easier and with a lot less whining.
“Okay,
fill the saddle bags then we’ll go from there.” We played Tetris with the
groceries until we finally got them all loaded and headed back to the house.
When
we got back to the rental, I let the guys bring the bags in while I went to
work unpacking everything and storing it the way I wanted it. I knew from
experience if I let them unpack, I would never find anything ever again. I
could not believe the amount of crap they had snuck into the cart, I sighed
when I found the third package of Oreos. I guess they each needed their own.
Once
I finally got things in the kitchen how I wanted them, I went in search of the
three stooges. I didn’t have to look long, all three were once again parked in
front of the TV.
“Okay,
everything is put away, if you move something put it back where you found it or
I will remove your balls with a rusty spoon, everyone understand?” When they
didn’t respond, I walked in front of the TV again, “Everyone understand?”
“Yes,”
they yelled in chorus.
Liam
looked over at me, “Really a rusty spoon?”
I
nodded, “Yep, a rusty dull spoon.”
“You’re
an evil bitch,” he said looking back at the game.
“Just
now figuring that out?” asked Simon.
“Keep
it up and she won’t cook,” stated Kale not removing his eyes from the football
game, “and I want breakfast.”
I
looked up at the ceiling hoping for patience; it was like dealing with three
very large, very loud, five year olds. “I am never having kids.” I muttered to
myself and headed back to my room.
I
checked my cell and noticed that I had missed a call. I sat down and called my
voicemail while pulling my boots off, it was the producer of the reality show.
I was only half listening when I heard a name no one had breathed near me in
years, my chest instantly tightened and all the air left my body. No, no, no,
no, this cannot be happening, I thought while I slid off my bed onto the floor
into the fetal position—the phone forgotten.
I
was woken up by my alarm clock screeching, I yawned and moved my arms to brush
the hair out of my face, only I met resistance, I looked up and found that my
hands were handcuffed to the bed. I started to panic looking around the room;
I moved my legs only to find that I couldn’t move them either. I yelled out
for Tristan, he was supposed to be taking care of me, and Daddy said he was in
charge. I heard something move and I jerked my head towards the noise, Tristan
stood there watching me, I screamed for him to let me go but he only laughed.
I fought against the restraints wanting Cas at that moment; Cas would never let
anything happen to me, he was my Prince Caspian. Tristan walked towards me and
slapped me hard, I could taste blood in my mouth. I screamed out for Cas,
wanting him to come save me. Tristan yelled at me to shut up, then hit me
again, he hit me over and over and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t get
away. Eventually I blacked out, when I woke back up I was still handcuffed to
my bed but the room was empty and I hurt all over.
“God
damn it, Scout,” I heard someone yell. “Get the Haldol, and a syringe!” Then I
was gone again in my own personal hell.
He
called me little one, he never said my name, only little one, he came back into
my room shortly after I woke up calling me that name. He dumped a bucket of
cold water on me, when I whined he hit me again, repeatedly. He hit me until I
once again blacked out; I was beginning to prefer being unconscious, it didn’t
hurt as much.
“Fucking
hell, Simon.” I heard a voice, it was not his voice it was a voice that meant I
was safe. “What do we do now?”
“We
wait, Kale.” Another voice answered, another voice I knew, Simon, Simon would
never let me be hurt.
I
was so cold when I woke up, and I was alone again. I was happy I was alone if
he wasn’t here then he couldn’t hit me. I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore.
I did not know what I had done to make him angry. Cas would never let him
treat me like this, and Simon would wonder where I was since I wasn’t at
school. Wait, what day was this? I couldn’t remember anymore, was I supposed
to be in school?
“Shhh,
Scout,” a voice whispered. I tried to concentrate on that voice and I realized
how tired I was. I felt my eyes close, but closing my eyes did not make me
safe, it meant he could hurt me more. I whimpered when I felt someone run
hands down my arm. “She’s so cold,” someone said, of course I was cold he
dumped cold water on me and then left me. I fought for so long against closing
my eyes only to realize they were closed and I couldn’t fight any longer.
I
bolted upright screaming, my voice sounded strange and my throat was sore. I
instantly started looking around, I could hear voices, but I didn’t see anyone.
“Not
fucking again.” I heard Simon say, then the door opened and he walked in.
“Scout, you here with us?”
I
nodded my head watching him warily. He slowed his pace and let me see his
hands. I knew some place in my head that I could trust him, but I was foggy
and it wasn’t all making sense.
“Scout,
you still here?”
I
nodded my head again, and opened my mouth to say something only my throat hurt
so badly, I flinched.
“You’re
throat?” He guessed and I nodded. “Need a drink?” I nodded again. He looked
over his shoulder and asked someone for a drink of water. It was starting to
be less fuzzy and realized I was acting ridiculous, this was Simon. I let my
body relax back into the bed.
Kale
walked into the room carrying a glass of water. I held my hand out for it and
slightly sat up gulping the entire thing down, my meds always left me thirsty.
“Another?”
I
nodded yes and laid back down, I was so tired. I looked over at Simon, he wore
that look that I had gotten to know so well, this one was not minor. I
realized at that moment that my hands hurt and arms stung. I looked down and
saw the scratch marks on my arms, and my fingernails had blood under and around
them. I looked over and found Simon watching me, “How bad?” I asked hoarsely.
“Just
your arms this time.” He replied sadly.
I
nodded and stared at the ceiling until Kale came back with more water.
“Was
it the voicemail?” Simon asked quietly. I rolled to my side and closed my
eyes, the tears slipped out as if they had a will of their own; I nodded once.
He
sighed and I felt the bed dip, he knew enough not to actually touch me though.
“He won’t come near you, Scout.”
I
nodded again and felt the pull of sleep; this time I kindly let it take me.