Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (22 page)

All those tears that I haven’t been shedding are catching up with me. As soon as I walked out of that apartment, knowing in my heart, that I was going to end up pushing Paxton away because I can’t handle the way I feel about him, the first tear came. I didn’t make it to my study group, I just walked aimlessly, trying to clear my head and think.

I thought about why Paxton’s words scared me so much.
Why my feelings for him scared me so much. There are a lot of reasons to be afraid. I didn’t want to lose him completely after all of this was over. I didn’t want to lose my friendship with him. I didn’t want to be heartbroken when it was time for him to go home. I didn’t want to hurt him if the day ever came when my desire for him left me.

But as I walked into the apartment
, prepared to apologize to him and talk to him about all the shit that was running through my brain, Vi told me that Paxton had left. That he packed his bags and went home. And I knew there was only one reason I was afraid.

I was in love wi
th him. I had fallen completely and desperately in love with him. 

And all of the consequences attached to that fear were a reality.
He left me. And I was left with the pain of that loss and it hurt so fucking bad.

That’s when the tears really started. Vi’s been
lying beside me in my bed but I haven’t been able to talk to her. I sit up and try to pull myself together, taking a long drink of the water she put on the bedside table.

“Are you okay?” she asks me.

“No. Not at all. What the hell did I do?”

“I don’t know, but I wish someone would tell me. What happened? I couldn’t get Paxton to say a word.”

I take a steadying breath and shake my head at myself. “I freaked out. He told me that he loved me, that he wanted me and that I was his. He said we were done fucking around and that I was his.”

“What did you say to him?”
Vi asks, her tone full of dreadful anticipation.

I look away from her before muttering,
“I told him that things were getting too intense and that I needed some space.” I bring my hands to my head and curse myself out.

“
Is that how you feel?”

“No. I mean, yes,
the way I feel about him is too intense. I’m in love with him, Vi and I’m scared as shit, but I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.”

“Well, honey, tell him that. Talk to him. He
doesn’t want to lose you either, he was just hurt.”

“I don’t know
, Vi. I mean, if he left to go back home then maybe I should just let him. That’s where he’s supposed to be.”

“No, sweetie, he’s supposed to be here – with you.”

“Maybe he’s not. What if he comes back to me and I try to give him everything and I freak out again. Or I give him everything and he realizes I’m not enough. I just… I can’t handle it. I can’t handle feeling this way. It’s too much.”

“Jessa, that’s not going to happen. You guys are so good together, you belong with him. You can’t keep telling yourself that you don’t get to have anything more substantial than casual sex. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him. You have to
at least try, Jess. You can’t just let him walk out of your life, because you are never going to find anyone that you are going to love as much as you love him.”

“
Ahh,” I say frustrated. “This sucks, Vi. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I think I could keep my feelings for him in check? This is why I don’t do this shit. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want to love him. It fucking sucks.”

“Right now it sucks, but think about how great it is when
you’re with him. Think about how much better it will be when you can really be with him. You’re missing out, Jess. You need to let yourself love him because, yeah, sometimes it totally sucks, but most of the time it’s the greatest feeling in the world.” Vi grabs her phone out of her pocket and hands it to me. “Just try, Jess. Just talk to him.”

I think back to that day in River Bluff when I was with Emily, trying to help her through her own hell. I told her that all of the pain that I was watching her go through
wasn’t as big as the love that I saw between her and Danny. I told her that, in my eyes, the love I saw was more than the hurt I was seeing. I believed that. I don’t know if I do now because I’ve never known hurt. Not like this. But I’ve never really known love either. I’ve never let myself fall completely and freely in love. It was never an option until Paxton.

I grab the phone out of Vi’s hand and take a big breath before dialing his number. It rings several times and I’m about to hang up when his deep voice comes on the line. “What’s up, Vi?” he asks, annoyed.

“Pax,” I say and I can hear his sharp intake of breath at the sound of my voice.

“What do you want, Jessa?” His tone is harsh, not desperate like it was this
morning.

“I’m sorry about this morning…”

“It’s fine, kid. Don’t worry about it,” he tells me like he doesn’t have time for my drama.

“I didn’t want you to leave, Pax,” I whisper.

“No? What kind of space was it that you needed?”

I take a breath and close my eyes. “
I don’t want to lose you.”

He lets out a bitter laugh. “I told you, Jessa, when shit fell apart with us I would still be your friend. You don’t gotta worry, your good friend Paxton will be waiting
around until you need him. It’s cool, don’t sweat it. I’m already over it.”

The pain from his words is spreading through my body and I can’t open my mouth because I can feel the sobs waiting to escape.

“You good?” he asks me. “’Cause I don’t really have time for this shit right now.”

“
Yeah,” I manage to mutter before the line goes dead.

I hold the phone up to my ear, waiting for his voice. But he’s gone. He’s so gone.

The phone drops from my hand as his words, his voice, covers everything inside of me. He’s done. He’s over it. Just like that.

“What did he say?” Vi asks, but I can’t speak. He didn’t even want to talk about it. None of it even matters to him.
Jesus.

I let myself fall completely in love
with him. He told me he loved me. I needed a minute. I just needed one fucking minute to think. But in that minute he gave up. He took it away. It’s all gone.

The pain is covering me so completely I can’t even feel. I can’t see. Vi has her hands on me but I can’t see her. I can’t feel her. All I can feel is myself falling completely apart as Paxton is pulled completely out of me.

I was two hours closer to home when I picked up the phone, knowing Vi was worried about me and prepared to try and convince her I was fine. But it wasn’t Vi calling. It was Jessa. The sound of her voice alone had my blood boiling. I was pretty fucking convinced that I hated her. But as she spoke I heard the sadness in her voice and I had to pull off the side of the road just to keep from crashing into the median. The few words she muttered made it clear that the pain in her voice was remorse. She felt bad about what she did to me.
Fuck that.

When I hung up,
I was still sure I hated her, but I ended up turning the car around and heading back into that cock-sucking city because I didn’t know if I was ready to let it all go yet.

I settled in at Billy’s place and I haven’t
left. I don’t know what I’m doing. Waiting for something to make it crystal clear that I either need to head home to Gabriel or go and try to work shit out with Jessa.

Gabriel’s been good these past few days. He’s been laying off the drugs and alcohol that now bring him to his knees and have him crying like a kid over his life. The last few time
s I’ve talked to him he’s still telling me he wants me home, but he’s more concerned that I’m not doing anything to fuck up his free ride, especially now that he has fucked up his literal free ride when he smashed his car into a cement wall. I think about how shit was in Venice before I left and I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to that and I don’t know if Jessa is the reason or not.

At
night, laying on the coach, unable to sleep, my mind starts trying to figure out how I can make shit work with Jessa. If I show up at Vi’s what would I say to her? What words would I use to convince her that she needs to let go of her shields and let herself be with me What can I say that will make her feel the way I do? And if she were to tell me that she’s not gonna change, but I can take up my role as her FWB, would I? In the middle of the night I think I probably would.

But in the morning, I know that things with her are not possible.
I’m just another fool on her long trail of broken hearts. Things with Jessa are never going to change. I hate to fucking say it, but Dylan might have been right. I’m not sure if Jessa is capable of feeling anything real.

So
yeah, shits not really becoming clear. Nothing’s looking like anything I want to go back to so I’m just biding my time, fucking up Billy’s serene little life.

He hands me a beer and picks up his
bass, sitting down and plucking it, pausing to take pulls off his bottle. “Conroy’s band is playing at The Bottle tonight. What do you say- you want to go get drunk and laugh at their sorry asses?”

“No, but you go right ahead,” I tell him.

“How long you planning on moping around for, man? ‘Cause this shit’s getting depressing.”

“Say the word
and I’ll be gone. It’s not a problem,” I tell him.

“Shut up, man. I don’t want you going, I just want you doing something. What kind of harm is go
ing to get a drink gonna do?”

“I’m not in the mood,
” I tell him, trying to keep my voice even.

“Maybe you need to get laid, Paxton. Maybe you need to go out and find a hot piece of ass and forget about that bitch.”

I flinch when he calls Jessa a bitch, but I’m not gonna defend her. “If that were an option, you think I’d be sitting around this place with you?”

“What the hell does that mean?” he asks
, setting his guitar down and leaning forward on his knees.

“After what I had with her I’m not interested in getting anything less,” I tell him through my teeth.

“Come on, Pax. No chick is that good. I bet there’ll be at least ten Betties there tonight who are capable of doing shit to you that that country girl would never even think of,” he says, laughing it off.

“You’re stupid, Billy. You know that?”

He stares at me shaking his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I give him a tight smile letting hi
m know that, no, I’m not kidding and, yes, this situation is more dire then he originally assumed.

“Well hell
, lets at least go get drunk then. You need to forget about this shit, at least for a few hours.”

“
Yeah, whatever,” I tell him, thinking it can’t be any worse than sitting around here thinking about her.

I pull my hoodie tight around my head, not interested in talking to anyone, as Billy and I head to the back corner to meet Louis.

“What the hell
, man?” Louis says to me, standing and pulling me into his arm. “Jimmy said you went back home. What are you doing here?”

“He’s been moping ar
ound my place for three days,” Billy says, sliding into the booth.

“Shut the hell
up, Billy,” I tell him, leaning into the table and staring him down.

“Seriously man, you gotta get over this shit. You’re turning into a complete asshole.”

“Why don’t you keep your mouth shut and then maybe we wouldn’t have a problem.”

“Jesus,” Louis mutters. “Hey,” he calls out to a passing waitress. “Can we get like, nine shots of whiskey?”

“Are you expecting company?” she laughs.

“No, just trying t
o get this one to calm down,” he says, putting his hand on my shoulder. I shag him off and turn my annoyed gaze on him and the waitress.

She gives me coy smile. “Let me know if the alcohol doesn’t work,” she says, tu
rning and walking away.

“There you go,” Billy says. “That girl looks like she’s got some experience under the belt and she’s clearly willing to show you her moves.”

I drum my fists on the table, just trying not to lunge across the table and strangle his ass. “You d
rug me here to get me drunk, not to talk about her, so I will say it one more time – shut the hell up.”

“What the hell is going
on? Did something happen with you and your girl?” Louis asks.

“Didn’t you hear the man – he
doesn’t want to talk about her,” Billy says, laughing easily. He’s lucky the waitress shows back up because if it weren’t for the alcohol I would be across that table putting my fist into his loud mouth.

I slam three shots before she’s even gone. “Get me a bucket of beer,” I tell her, not looking her way.

“Wow,” she says, “who fucked you over?”

Billy’s rolling again.

“It’s your job to serve me alcohol, not ask questions,” I seethe.

“Ouch,” she says before walking away.

We sit there for a few tense moments before Billy says, “Well, this is awkward, I’m gonna go find me a pretty lady. You two have fun.”

I shake my head and Louis gets out of his seat and moves across from me.

“So are you sticking around for a while?” he asks me.

“I don’t know,” I tell him, downing another shot.

“I’m assuming based on this….” he pauses to wave his hand at me, “that things are over between you and Jessa.”

“
Yeah,” I manage to mutter. Louis isn’t as infuriating as Billy is.

“That
sucks, man. Seemed like you two had a good thing going and I don’t want to see you head out of town again.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I got nothing waiting for me anywhere.”

“I know what you mean, bro. When we were playing it seemed like life was just beginning, you know what I mean; like shit was going to start happening… life was going to start happening. And after that, I don’t know what I got.”

“
Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say, shaking my head. That’s exactly how I felt with Jessa.

“You ever think about playing again?”

“No, man. Not really.”

“What are you gonna do then?” he asks me.

“I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. Same as I’ve always done.”

“Yea
h, well you’re still young, you got time. I remember being twenty. Not a care in the damn world. I was happy as hell just to get into bars and score a few gigs with Chaos
.
”

That should be my life right now. I should be living in Veni
ce without a care in the world. Why am I sticking around this place? I knew it, when I came back here, that all this city would ever give me was pain, and now I’m considering sticking around it just because the girl who caused me more pain than I’ve ever felt is here.
Fuck that.

I grab a beer out of the bucket the waitress dropped off
, in silence this time, and start slamming it. If this is my last night in Chicago, I might as well do it right.

“Oh my god,” I hear an angry yell coming my way and I know it’s Violet.
Shit.
I slam my beer down on the table, then start to slide out of the booth.

This is absolutely
perfect, the second I decide to be done with all this bullshit Vi shows up and that means Jessa’s here. As I plant my boot on the ground Vi bolts into me and grabs a hold of my shoulders. I look behind her where Jimmy is standing. Jessa’s not here. My chest tightens and I take Vi’s hands off me.

“You are still in town? What the hell
, Paxton? You didn’t bother to call me?”

“I’m sorry
, Vi. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“I need to talk to you,” she angry whispers at me, shoving me back
into the booth and sitting down facing me. “Jessa needs to talk to you, Pax…”

“Vi
olet, don’t even say it, I swear to God. I will sit here and spend one last night with you assholes, but I’m not talking about it.”

“Whatever, Paxto
n. You don’t have to talk to me but you have to tell me one thing.” She grabs a hold of my face and forces me to look at her. I knock her hand away but keep my eyes on her. “Do you love her?”

A harsh sound comes out of my mouth. “What the fuck does that matter, Vi?”

“Because Paxton, she loves you. This is tearing her apart. And if you still love her you need to tell her that. She needs to know that.”

Of course
she does. She needs to know that I’m the one that got hurt. That I’m the one that got left. She needs to know that her record is still perfect. “No, Vi. I don’t.”

“That’s bullshit, Paxton.”

“I answered your question. Now let it go.”

She shakes her head then gets out of the booth and heads to the
bar. Jimmy’s next to Louis now staring at me like he’s about to open his mouth and give me his skewed opinion on the matter. “Keep it to yourself, Jimmy.”

“I just don’t like seeing Violet like this.
She’s been upset – thinking you had left and worrying about you. You could at least pick up her calls.”

I shake my head at him. I don’t want to be a dick, but what Violet wants
doesn’t really rank on my priority list right now. There is only one thing on that list at the moment and it’s to get wasted before getting outta here and never coming back. I finish off my beer and down another shot.

Vi comes back with a round of drinks. She sets them on the table then slides in next to me. “So, you’re leaving tomorrow?”

“Yep, getting out of this shit hole and never coming back.”

“Why didn’t you leave three days ago after you stormed out of my apartment?”

“Because, Vi, I had some things to wrap up around here first.”

“Like?”

“Like it’s none of your damn business.”

“
Watch it, Paxton,” Jimmy warns me, defending his girl.

“Let it go, Vi,” I tell
her.

“You’re blind and
you’re stubborn and you’re making a huge mistake.”

“
Aright,” I tell her, giving up on all this bullshit, “move your ass so I can get out of here.”

“Why are
you running away from everything?” she asks, holding tight to the table so that I can’t push her out.

“There’s nothing to run away from. Please, Vi, move.”

“No, Paxton. You’re not walking away from me.”

“Let him go, babe,” Jimmy calmly tells her from across the table.

She lets out a breath of defeat then steps out of the booth. As I slide out Louis says, “Are you really leaving, man?”

Jimmy steps out and slaps me on the back. “Keep in touch, man,” he tells me.

“Seriously, bro, I’m gonna miss you. It was good having you back,” Louis says, pulling me into a hug.

“I’ll see you guys around,” I tell them.

Vi’s in front of me now, looking up at me with her big puppy dog eyes that are shining with tears. “Ah, hell, Vi. Don’t do that.”

“I don’t want you to leave, Pax.”

I bend down and fold her into my arms and she clings to my back, burring her wet face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry babe. I have to go.” She nods her head against my shoulder and holds tighter to my neck. “Take care of her, okay,” I whisper. Vi’s emotional goodbye, and possibly all the alcohol that I can feel making its way through my body, has my heart softening. I don’t want to hurt Vi and maybe I don’t want Jessa to hurt either.