Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (21 page)

And then I see the girl from his chair, standing against the wall, her eyes still trying to catch his. How could I break someone like Paxton who
could seriously have any woman he wants? If breaking is going to happen, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be the one to do it.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” I tell him, trying to stand, but he’s got his arms wrapped tightly around me. I look at him and his eyes are vacant. He’s lost in his thoughts. “Pax,” I say, touching his face. It snaps him out of his daze. “I’m gonna get a drink.”

He nods and takes his hands off me so I can stand. He stands too and grabs onto my hand, leading me through the party and to the kitchen where the counter is lined with alcohol. He lets go of me long enough to make me a vodka cranberry but then he wraps me up again, leaning against the counter. He’s got his nose buried in my hair and his thumbs are making lazy circles over my stomach. I stare out into the party taking note of all the girls that are sizing me up. I really don’t like leaving our room.

“So this is Jessa?”
a tall, dark- haired guy with green eyes and a shit eating grin on his face that looks a lot like Billy, asks Pax.

“Jessa, this is Billy’s brother, Brandon. He flew in from New York to celebrate.”

“Hey,” I tell the guy, taking my hands off Pax’s forearms to shake his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“
Yeah, you too. I didn’t believe it when I heard Pax was back in the dating game, but I get it,” he tells me, letting out a low whistle.

Paxton’s fingers dig into me. I’m sure he’s waiting for me to react to the word dating,
or the words
back
into the dating game, which I want to. I want to tell the guy we are not dating. But I manage to keep it inside of me and instead say in as sweet of a voice as I can muster, “Paxton doesn’t seem like the dating type to you?”

“
Hell no…” he begins before stopping abruptly and laughing. “Wait… is this a trap?” Paxton laughs at Brandon’s discomfort. “She’s trying to get me to talk about your player days, huh?”

“No, man,” Pax tells him. “She’s well aware.”

“Really? So you know how rare this is and that you must be pretty damn exceptional to get this guy to give it another go?” he asks me.

I think he’s trying to give me some sort of compliment but all I can hear is that shit went down so badly the last time Pax
‘gave it a go’ that it’s nearly impossible to believe that he would do it again. Not that he is doing it again, but that's what Brandon believes.

Who was this girl? And what the hell happened between her and Paxton? These thoughts that I can’t get out of my head are
making me nauseous. I don’t want to think about Pax with another girl like he is with me. But I know I don’t have the right to question him about it. He’s not my boyfriend and besides, he had to watch me with Dylan for an entire year. How the hell did he do that? I don’t ever want to see Paxton with another woman. Which is alarming. It bothered me when I had to see him with that girl Sadie, but not like this. This is physically painful. “No, I didn’t realize I was making history. Wow, I feel really special,” I manage to answer Brandon’s question.

“A
h, a smartass,” Billy says to Pax.

“You have no idea,” Pax mutters through his laughter.

“Hey man, whatever it takes to make you happy.” Brandon clicks his bottle to my glass before walking away.

Paxton turns me around so he can look at me. “That was impressive, beso, I hardly even felt your flinch.”

“People can believe whatever they want, Pax. I don’t care what Brandon thinks is going on between us,” I say, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. The reprieve I had from Paxton today is making me realize exactly how I feel about him. And how I feel when I’m not with him. How I feel about him being with someone other than me. My stomach was in knots all day, I told myself it was just because I needed to be back with him, but the knots are still very present inside of me because I can’t deny how much I need him. And it’s terrifying.

“Just as long as I know the deal, right?”
he asks, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Just as
long as we are on the same page,” I tell him, my own eyebrows raised.

“And what page are we on, kid?” he asks with an edge to his voice.

“A really good one that I’m not interested in turning.”

“‘
Cause you’re afraid of the ending?”

“Exactly, Pax,
” I tell him, my stomach sinking.

“Don’t look so scared,” he tells me with a crooked smile. “I’m just fucking you, Jessa. That’s all.
You are nothing more than the girl I’m sleeping with.”

He’s trying to reassure me, but I know it’s not true.
I’m not just fucking him. Not even close.
Shit.

The look on his face is irritable and I don’t want to talk about what we are, so I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He kisses me back and eventually turns me around and clears a section of the counter, setting me on it. His hands snake up my thighs and I have to tell my hands that
it’s not okay to undo his belt at the moment, so they’re clawing into his shoulders instead. His fingers are under my dress and when his thumbs caress my insides, that are usually covered by panties, but are now just covered in the wetness that Paxton’s touch produces in me, he lets out a low growl before pulling away from me. “What the hell, kid?” he mutters, his eyes wild.

“I told you, Pax. I was thinking of you when I got dressed tonight.
”

He hoi
sts me off the counter and grabs a hold of my hand. He pulls me down a hallway and opens the door to a bedroom, bringing me inside and locking the door behind him. He picks me up and buries his tongue in my mouth, walking me to the bed and setting me down. “You are just looking for trouble, aren’t you, beso?” he asks, unbuckling his belt.

“
I’m just trying to make things easy for you, Pax.”

He pushes me back on the bed and hovers above me, his hands back on my thighs.
I take a deep, satisfied breath as my body begins to relax. This I can handle: lust, need, wanting him inside of me. I can handle that. All that other shit outside of the physical us is scary.

When his phone sounds, playing some old school hip hop beat
, he mutters, “Shit,” before standing up and taking it out of his back pocket. “Give me a minute, beso,” he tells me with anger in his voice. I sit up and he sits next to me before answering.

“What’s up
Pops?.... What the hell are you doing?…. What are you talking about?... No, no, are you kidding me? How the hell did that happen…. Jesus, Gabriel….I don’t know, soon…No, I’m not, I wouldn’t do that to you…. Relax… Pops, I’ll take care of it, we’ll get it figured out,” Paxton’s voice is stressed out as he talks to his dad. His hand is running through his hair and his eyes are pinched closed. “Is Emilio there?…. Put him on…. What the hell, man?... Well what are you gonna do about it?.... No, I can’t……” he says, his eyes opening so he can look at me. “Yeah, I get it tío but I can’t do that right now… Soon, I’ll be home soon.” Paxton’s eyes are no longer on me which is good. I’m pretty sure the pain in my heart is clear on my face. I knew Paxton didn’t come to Chicago to stay, but the idea of him leaving me, to go back to that life full of women, makes me nauseous. My whole body suddenly feels like it’s in knots. “Watch his ass until I get there…. Later.” Paxton pushes his thumb into the phone and chucks it onto the bed before running his hands over his face.

“Is your dad okay?” I ask him.

“No, not really,” he mutters. “He was cool when I was home, but he’s losing his shit. I don’t know what happened to him in lockup but his mind ain’t right.”

“Do you have to go home?” I whisper.

He takes his hands off his face so he can look at me. “Nah, he’ll be fine. My uncle can handle it.”

I nod at him. “If he needs you, Pax, I’ll be okay,” I tell him, fully aware that it’s a lie.

“I’m not leaving you, beso. That’s not happening,” he says, picking me up and throwing me on the middle of the bed.

I manage to smile at him, but I don’t feel it. I feel melancholy.
The emotions running through my body are too strong and too painful. I don’t like it.

“Hey,” he says, tu
rning my face to look at him. “Don’t look so sad, beso. It’s under control. I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me before taking my lips in his.

I kiss him back, trying to lose myself in him, which has never been a problem
until now. Emotions… they totally suck.

“Come on, beso,” Pax urges, he can feel
the hesitation in my body.

I let my hands wander around his body, closing my eyes and opening my mouth. When his hands make their way between my thighs and he runs is fingers over me, my need for him takes over my fear of us.

By th
e time we roll out of the party Paxton is about as drunk as I’ve ever seen him and I’m not much better. I attempted to drink away the worry that lingered in my brain all night after we left the bedroom. And it helped. Paxton’s constant hands on me helped more. But with each new person from Paxton’s past that I was introduced to, the relationship questions came up. Every time someone called me his girlfriend, or him my boyfriend, the anxiety would grow inside of me. Partly because I liked it. I wanted people to know that he’s mine and I’m is. And partly because deep inside of me the fear of getting my heart broken when it came time for him to move on was growing.

We stumble into the apartment and Pax has his hands and mouth all over me. He gets me as far as the couch before ripping
my dress off and a few second later I have him naked and under me. I straddle him and grind my hips into his. Paxton has had me in all kinds of positions, but he’s always the one in control. He’s the one that knows how to work me over properly, but under his very capable hands, I’m pretty sure I have learned a few things myself and tonight, I’m feeling the need to regain some control. “Condom,” I tell him, holding my hand out.

He reaches
over to his pants and pulls one out of his pocket, preparing to tear it open, but I take it out of his hand and do it myself. “Taking charge, huh kid?”

I roll the condom, slowly down his long shaft. “Tonight, baby, you are mine,” I tell him.

“Hell yeah, beso,” he says, watching my hands closely. “You can have me.”

I run myself up and down him before grabbing onto him and guiding him inside of me and sitting down all the way. “Shit,” Paxton mutte
rs, grabbing a hold of my hips. I take his hands off of me and bring them above his head, holding them against the wall behind the couch. “That’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” He laughs.

“Yes, Pax. I am fucking you,” I tell him, circling my hips, feeling him pressed up against every inch of my walls. I move up and down,
knowing now, what my body needs.

“Damn it, beso,” he mutters and I smile.

I keep moving on top of him, enjoying the pleasure that is very present on Paxton’s face. I watch his face like he always watches mine and when it’s clear I’m doing something that makes him feel especially good, I keep it up. The sounds coming out of our mouths become more and more intense and I feel myself growing weak. I have to let go of his hands so I can hold myself up. I put my hands behind me, wrapping them around his thighs and thrust myself into him. Paxton’s hands are clasped above his head now and his face looks agonized. I know he’s close and I’m not going to last much longer. “Come for me, Pax,” I tell him.

“Jessa… I will do anything for you,” he groans.

The waves of my orgasm are taking over me and all of my muscles are going weak. “Help me, Pax,” I manage to utter.

His hands move to my hips and he guides me around him, yelling out obscenities until I fall apart completely before collapsing onto his chest.
I take in few much needed breaths. “Shit, that was not easy,” I breathe.

Paxton laughs, “
You did a damn good job fucking me, beso. Too good, in fact. Maybe you don’t even need me anymore.”

Ha,
I laugh internally. He’s so far off the mark it’s depressing. I sit up and look into his eyes, grabbing a hold of his chin. “What you do to me… no one else will ever be able to do.”

“That’s right,” he tells me through hooded eyes. “Because there’s not gonna be no one else. It’s me beso, that’s all you get.”

My heart is beating out of my chest at Paxton’s words. I can feel my face go slack as I look at him. Paxton laughs. “Get over it, Jessa. I fucking love you. And you fucking love me too and we’re done with this stupid fuck buddies bullshit. I’m your boy and you’re my girl and I’m not letting anyone else have you – ever. So deal with it. That’s the way it’s going to be.”

My head is pounding when I wake up. I hit it way too hard last night. Thank God it’s Saturday and Jessa doesn’t have to go nowhere cause I’m pretty sure I’m not leaving this bed for the rest of the day. Which is fine. I can manage laying here as long as she’s in my arms. I blindly reach out my hand to pull her to me but she’s not there. “Jessa,” I yell out. I need her back in bed with me. “Jessa Lillian Fairfield, where the hell are you?”

The door opens and Jessa is standing in it looking sexy as hell in her matching little sleep shorts and tank top. “What the hell are you screaming about?”

“Why did I wake up alone?”

Jessa shakes her head like it’s a perplexing question and then diver
ts her eyes from me. “I have a study group. I had to get up.” She walks to the closet and snatches out her clothes and grabs her messenger bag.

I’m sitting up now, trying to clear the fog from my brain. “You can’t leave me, beso, not today.”

“I have to, Pax. You’ll survive.”

“Get your ass over here, Jess. Give me five minutes.”

She stops in front of the bed and looks down at me. “I can’t, Pax,” she tells me and her voice is way too fucking serious.

“What’
s your problem?”

She pauses at the door
way and just looks at me, then shakes her head again. “I just have a lot of shit running through my head.” She leaves and a minute later I hear the water running in the shower.

I get up too
because I’m not gonna be able to go back to sleep after that. What’s up with her? I pull on my sweats and head to the kitchen. I’m mentally flipping through images of last night. It was good. We didn’t fight. I can see her smile and hear her laughter, although things are a little fuzzy towards the end of the night. When we left Billy’s things were good. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. We had amazing sex. Not to be an arrogant prick, but she looked deliriously happy after she got herself off on me.

And then…
fuck
. I gave her that little speech about how we are in love and I was done with the fuck buddies bullshit. And then…
damn it
, I’m an idiot. I told her that she was mine and that she didn’t get to have anyone else.
Shit.

She recoiled like she always does when anything close to commitment related comes out of
anyone’s mouth, but she smiled at me. Then she told me she loves me. I brought her to bed and fell asleep with her in my arms.

The water in the shower is off.
She’s in there for a while getting ready and I’m becoming more agitated by the minute but I wait patiently until she comes out and sees me standing in the kitchen. “Jessa, come here.”

She sighs and then comes and stands on the other side of the counter that I’m propped over. Her face and her eyes are not telling me anything.

“I was drunk, Jessa. You have to learn not to take everything so damn seriously. I didn’t mean that shit I told you. You know that,” I say, lying through my teeth.

She raises her eyebrows at me. “That’s awful Paxton. You shouldn’t just tell peop
le that shit, I mean, you’ve never told me you loved me while you were inside of me before. It’s not nice.”

“T
hat part was true. I love you, beso, you know that. But all that other shit that’s got you acting like an Ice Queen was just drunken bullshit brought on by what you did to me last night on that couch.”

She cocks her head at me with a look of sadness and defeat on her face
. “I just think that things are getting a little intense, Pax. I think it would be best if we gave each other a little space.”

“Jess. Don’t do that. Don’t get all emotional and dramatic. Don’t set fucking boundaries and make rules for me.”

She drops her head, and her eyes. “I’m not dramatic or emotional, Paxton. But yes, I have feelings and yes, sometimes they scare me and it’s not even the things you said but I’m scared Paxton.”

“Why? We’re good. Things with us are good. They’re damn near perfect. Don’t wig out and put up some wall because suddenly there are labels on us that you aren’t comfortable with. I love you. I want you. I don’t want you with other guys. I don’t want other women. If that make
s you uncomfortable than fucking deal with it. I’m not heartless and I’m not gonna keep acting like I am just so I can keep you around.”

She looks at me again. “I don’t know what to say to you right now. Just give me a minute.” She slings
her bag on and heads to the door.

“Jessa, don’t fucking do this,” I yell, but the only response I get is the sound of a door
shutting. “Fuuccckk,” I yell, slamming my hands into the counter.

I go in my room and put on my clothes, my head in a f
og from my hangover and my mind completely confused because of Jessa.

I get in my car and take off for campu
s. I don’t know where the hell study groups take place. In fact, I’m guessing she probably didn’t even have a study group but just needed an excuse to get the hell out.

I park
in front of the library and head inside. It’s quiet- there are only a few students gathered around the place and none of them are Jessa. “Fuck,” I mutter, turning around to head out and Dylan is standing there with a smug look on his face.

“You look irritated
, Paxton. Did someone decide she’s had enough?”

“Move,” I tell him, pushing him out of my way.

“I told you, man. It don’t matter who you are or how much you love her- that girl doesn’t have the ability to give a shit,” he says through his laughter. “Hell, at least she wanted to keep me around for a while, what’d you get out of her? A month?”

I don’t turn around to
acknowledge him. But I can see myself through his eyes and I have to laugh to keep from screaming.

I’m Dylan. I’m
the fucking dipshit that fell in love with her. Who thought that things with her and I were different. I told myself I was not just one of her dogs that was going to put up with her fucking demands but, hell, that’s exactly who I am. I really believed that I was gonna be the one to change her, but Dylan’s fucking right. He at least got her to commit to him. He’s the one who came here with her to start a fucking future. And that asshole is right. A month. A fucking month and the girl is gone.

When I storm through the door of our apartment, Vi is sitting on the couch. “Hey, Pax,” she says easily before registering the fury on my face. “Oh, shit. What’s wrong?”

I can’t talk to her. I go to my room and pull my duffle out of my closet and throw
it on the bed. Vi’s in the doorway looking at me.

“Paxton, tell me what happened.”

I carry on trying to get my shit in my bag so I can get the hell out of here. She comes and puts her little body in front of mine, grabbing onto my arms. “Move, Vi,” I rasp at her.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on. Why are you packing your bag?”

“Because I’m done with this shit.”

“Does Jessa know?”

“Jessa will be happy,” I mutter.

“What happened with you two?” she asks me, worry all over her face.

“We’re done, Vi. That’s all you need to know.” Those words clamp down on my chest and I feel like I’m going to lose it. I grab a few more random things, not worrying about all the shit I’m leaving behind. I have to get the fuck out of here. I pick up my guitar and give Vi a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll talk to you when I can,” I tell her, sidestepping her and heading towards the door.

“Pax, where are you going?”

“Home, babe. Where I belong.”

“Paxton, don’t do this.”

I don’t turn around. I head out of the building and get in my car. I never want to see that fucking place again.