Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (5 page)

“That motherfucker better back the hell off of you
,” Paxton seethes.

“I’m sorry… am I speaking to Chicago Paxton? I heard
he’s notorious for kicking the shit out of people. If you wouldn’t mind putting my friend Minnesota Paxton on the phone I would like him to explain what the hell is happening.”

“Seriously
, Jessa, stay the hell away from Billy. You have no idea the depths he will stoop to in order to get laid. I know he’s got those pretty green eyes, but don’t fall for it.”

“Focus, Pax. We are talking about
you
, not Billy. And, by the way, if I want to get laid by Billy, I will. Or actually, I won’t. Because I have been hit with the label of
Paxton’s friend.
Which gets me alcohol in bars,
yay
, but is also a v-block,
boo
. But that’s beside the point. Before I have to go back to that booth and look like an ignorant little girl, you better give me some info.”

He takes a deep, annoyed,
breath but then he says, “The bartender served you because, assuming you are at The bottle, I used to play there along with Billy and the bartender is a friend of mine. The bit about kicking the shit out of people… I had an anger problem for a few years. It’s a Chicago thing, not something that’s a part of me. Billy stopped groping you because, besides Violet, I don’t have friends that are females so he assumed we have something going on and, despite those eyes, he’s my brother so he’s just respecting what he thinks is mine.”

“That’s lame
, Paxton. I know you’re giving me the surface version. I know there’s more than that. Tell me about the, ‘man whore’, as Violet called you. Who’s that kid?”

“Listen, Jess. You’re hanging out with a g
roup of people from a very short, very isolated, piece of my past. Did you think I was a virgin?”

“Yes, Paxton. I totally though
t you didn’t even know the meaning of the word vagina. Obviously I didn’t think you were a virgin, but apparently it’s damn near unbelievable that, simply because I came within your line of vision, I didn’t get nailed by you.”

“It was a differe
nt world then, with them. I know you’re feeling like you don’t know shit about me, but none of those people do. Who knows if I even know myself? The me, that you know- it’s who I am. The me, that they know- it’s part of who I am too. Forgive me for changing.”

“Don’t
wax poetic with me, Pax. The you, who they know, is clearly who you are because as far as I can tell, since the minute you left River Bluff, all you’ve done is party and get laid. Which is fine, I don’t give a shit, but don’t make me look like an asshole. I opened up to you- we all did. We all trusted you and let you in and so it’s a little disturbing to realize that that person who we… who I… thought gave a shit was not really a person at all but just a character that some pathological liar from Chicago invented.”

“Jess, take a deep breath a
nd fucking relax. You’re being dramatic. Here’s the deal; I obviously left some heavy shit in Chicago- you knew that. I was trying to get over it and move on which is why I didn’t talk about shit with any of you. Everything that happened there is a part of my past that I’m not gonna rehash with you because I don’t want to and I don’t have to. As far as what I’ve been doing in Venice… yeah, I drink and I get high and do whatever the hell I want because I can. I do whatever the hell makes me feel happy – that’s what I do here. Which is completely different than banging chicks and being strung out because it’s what’s expected, or you can’t deal, or you don’t know what you’re getting into, or you just need to escape. I don’t want to talk about Chicago with anyone, including you. It’s not personal.”

“Fine,
Pax… whatever. I don’t need to know the details. I’m just curious though, do I know you at all? That guy that I became so close to, that I considered my best friend, was he real?”

He lets out a huff of breath. “Depending on where I am.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, yes, that’s who I was when I was there with you. But no, I don’t think it’s who I am now.”

“You need to start a fortune cookie company because this confusing, backpedaling, riddle shit is priceless. You could make millions.”

He laughs a real laugh, not an angry, bitter or
sarcastic one now. “Seriously, beso, I miss you. And I’m sorry that you feel like you don’t know me. I gave you whatever I could.”

“I know, Pax.
Maybe I’ll run into you someday in the perfect place, at the perfect time and you will know who you are and you’ll be willing to show me.”

“It’s possible,” he says sullenly. “Listen, kid, watch yourself, okay?
Whoever Violet trusts, you can trust too, but stick tight with her. And… Billy’s a solid guy. If you need something he’ll help you out, but don’t try to get him drunk and screw him because if that happens I will come there and tear those pretty eyes right out of his head.”

“You are a hypo
critical, frustrating, evasive, strange and perplexing person. But I love you.”

“I’ll talk to you soon, beso.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m gonna run away with Billy so I can be with my true love and escape the wrath of the legendary Chicago Paxton.”

“That’s not funny, kid.”

“Bye, Paxton,” I say, hanging up the phone, feeling empty and confused, but smiling none the less.

I
make a quick stop in the bathroom then head back to the table where the guys are staring at me, but Violet has her phone up to her ear. “What was I supposed to say?” she says to the person on the phone which I assume, when she looks at me with big eyes and frustration on her face, is Paxton. “You could have given me a heads up. I mean, Jesus…nothing? Not one thing?... Okay, she’s coming back… I’ll talk to you later… Yeah, I got it… don’t worry, Paxton… Hi, Jessa. I gotta go.” She throws her phone across the table and then slaps the air in front of her like it’s his face. “Seriously, it’s my fault because he locked himself up in a box built for monks?” she asks no one in particular.

“What the hell happened between the two of you?” the guy across the table asks.

“Sorry… what’s your name?”

“Oh, hey.
I’m Louis.” The guy holds his fist out for me like I’m gonna bump it. Which I do, fireworks and all.

“I don’t know,” I tell Louis. “
Apparently his personality shifts depending on the time and place and he doesn’t want me to meet the kid that lived here. What’d he have to say to you?” I ask Violet.

“
Keep your fucking mouth shut
, is what he had to say to me. Seriously, what the hell is going on between the two of you?”

“Nothing,” I tell her, holding my hands up like she’s looking for evidence that I don’t have. “I swear to
God.”

“That’s what you think,” Billy mutters.

I lay against the booth and take a deep breath because I have nothing to say. Apparently I’m just a puppet in Paxton’s world.

Violet’s only been in my life for two weeks but she’s already making things tolerable. Fun even. At least while I’m with her, which I’m not at the moment. At the moment I’m in my room with Taylor. She was straight up acting like I didn’t exist for three days but she’s working for team Dylan so now when we run into each other I get speeches like the one I’m getting now.

“It’s one night, Jessa. I don’t know why, but he’s still willing to work things out with you. In my opinion, after the way you humiliated him, he should have moved onto another girl. Which he could. Easily. Every girl in this dorm would love a shot with him. All he’s asking is for you to come out for one night. You owe it to him.”

“The thing is, Taylor, I don’t owe it to him. We are not dating anymore, which means…. I don’t go on dates with him. I know you think he deserves whatever the hell he wants, but trust me when I say that if I give him one night it’s gonna make him believe that he and I are an option. Which we’re not. I know you don’t get it but I’m doing the kid a favor by breaking ties completely.”

“He just wants to talk to you
, Jessa. He just wants some closure.”

“I pick up the phone every time he calls. I’ve explained to him multiple times why things between us are not gonna work. I’ve told him I’m sorry.
I’ve told him he deserves better. I’ve told him to move on. I don’t know what else I can do besides find his dream girl and present her on a silver platter.”

“I just don’t get it,” she says, arms crossed over her chest, lips puckered, shaking her head at me. “He could literally have any girl he wants. Why does he only want you?”

I let out an amused laugh. I know exactly why he only wants me. I got a clear cut lesson on this shit when I was fifteen. He wants me because he can’t have me. That’s how relationships work. You give the guy everything and they become comfortable and eventually they are bored. Men need to be challenged. They need to hunt and kill and have their egos fed. I’m all up for the hunt, but never again will I be the kill. And that is why Dylan wants me. Because I let him chase me but I never really let him capture me.

I could tell Taylor
exactly how things will turn out between her and Will if she continues to be the perfect little girlfriend who gives Will everything he has ever wanted. She will get shit on. He will leave her for something more exciting and less attainable. Maybe she’ll get the dream wedding, maybe she’ll get a couple kids, maybe it will be thirty years from now, but it will happen. I would do her a favor and tell her the truth, but she would never believe it. “I don’t know why he still wants me. But I don’t want him and I’m not a complete bitch so I’m not going to go on one last date with him and let him start believing that he can get me back.”

“Fine,” she huffs. “Maybe I’ll head down the hall and find
a nice girl to take out on our double date.”

She thinks she’s pissing me off. That she’s going to make me jealous. “That’s a good idea,” I tell her. “He likes long legs and long hair… Maggie seems like his type. Ask her.”

“I will,” she sneers at me before heading out of the room.

“
Wait,” I call after her. Taylor heads back into the room with a smug look on her face, like I’ve changed my mind. But I haven’t. If I can assist in moving Dylan on, I truly want to. I really have been being nice to him but his constant calls and his drunk texts and his popping up every time I turn a corner is getting to the point where I will snap and say or do something awful to him, and he doesn’t deserve it. I head into my closet where a miniscule vanity is attached to the wall and grab my perfume off it. “Give this to Maggie. He loves it.”

“Are you kidding me?” Taylor asks. “You are seriously trying to help him find another girl?”

“I need him to move on. You and Will should try to make that happen and stop wasting your time trying to get me to go back to him.”

“You have no feelings,” she tells m
e, snatching the perfume out of my hand and stalking back out of the room.

I turn to the mirror, reapplying my lipstick, wondering if Taylor is right. She might be. The only guy that’s ever made me squirm in a good way is Paxton. But t
hat lasted for a minute and now he’s my best friend. There is a really good chance I will never care about a guy enough to have feelings. Which is fine. I never want to fall in love. I throw my jacket on and head out of the dorm to wait for Violet.

She’s pulling up as I head down the steps
in front of the dorm. I can hear
Vacation
blasting out of her closed windows and I smile. We drive to a part of town I haven’t been to. Tonight we are going to a club which is apparently different than a bar. She told me to wear my dancing shoes, which I took to mean my shortest dress and my highest heels, which was the right call because Violet is dressed in a similar fashion.

We pull behind a wareh
ouse and Violet pays the guy ten bucks to get into the parking lot. Per her going out ritual, the music does not cease until the keys have been pulled from the ignition.

“I’m so excited,” she tells me, bouncing her little butt in the seat. “Tonight is going to be so fun.”

“I’m definitely in the mood for some fun,” I tell her before we step out of the car.

Violet hitches her arm around mine and practically sprints me to the front door. I have a fake
i.d. now. Violet hooked me up and this is my second time using it and again, it goes off without a hitch. The guy at the door is paying more attention to my skimpy dress than he is to the i.d.

We walk through a hot, dark hallway that is pulsing with the bass from the house music. When the hallway ends we are in a two tiered dark room that i
s filled with dimly lit bodies. Violet steers us to the dance floor to find her ‘posse’.

Louis and J
immy; Violet’s boyfriend, are on the floor dancing with her friend, Camilla. I see Billy a few feet away leaned against a wall, looking irritated. Violet immediately starts getting down with Jimmy and I know to stay away from Louis because I’ve learned that every guy associated with Paxton’s past will not put his hands near me. Not even in a,
we are just dancing and having fun, platonic, kind of way
. Some of them will flirt if they think no one is looking, but I know better than to go anywhere near Billy or Louis. It’s a combination of what Paxton told me – that he doesn’t have friends that are girls so the guys can’t get past the fact that that’s what I am, and that Chicago Paxton had the reputation of being a huge, violent asshole.
Whatever.
It shouldn’t be a problem finding a guy in this packed house who has never heard the name Paxton Alvarado. 

Camilla puts her hands on my hips and start
s moving to the music. I dance with her until I feel a larger set of hands grabbing me under my breasts. I peek behind me to see a tall guy with dark eyes and a sexy smile. I leave Camilla’s embrace to dance with my new friend. She spanks my ass when I turn around, but lets me go. The guy shouts words at me that I can’t hear over the music so I just smile at him. He pulls me close, securing his hands around my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck and move to the techno music, loving everything about this moment – the sexy music, the flirting, the heat from the bodies surrounding me. I love this world that Violet has introduced me to.

The guy has his hips pressed into mine when Billy suddenly takes my hand in his and holds tight to it
before forcing it down to my side. He gets in the guy’s face and says something. The guy gives me a disappointed look before walking away.
What the hell?
I’m used to everyone around me pulling guys off me at The Open Bottle, but screw that. I’m at a dance club and I want to dance.

I rip my hand out of Billy’s and
stare at him with a look that I hope conveys the words
I am going to kill you if you don’t knock this shit off.

He stares back at me with a look that says not
hing’s gonna change.

The house music
shifts to a quieter psychedelic melody then and Violet is by my side, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the bar. I’m grateful. I want to tell Billy off but I don’t want to piss off Paxton’s friends. “What’s up with Billy?” I ask her as we wait at the packed bar.

“He’s grumpy tonight. The opening band
, Cause for Chaos
…
they are the remnant of a couple of bands that he, Louis and Paxton used to play with. I think it pisses him off to have to watch them on stage and not be there himself.”

“What the hell happened with
the band
?” It’s one of those things they’re always hinting at but that they avoid talking about in front of me. Clearly it was a huge part of Paxton’s former life with Billy and Louis.

Violet scrunches
up her cute little pierced nose, like she’s not gonna say anything.

“Jesus, it’s just a band. Clearly everyone at The Open Bottle knows about it, why can’t I?”

We’re pushed up to the bar now and Violet shouts our drink order across it before looking back at me. “All the things, that Paxton hasn’t told you, are all related to that band,” she shouts.

I grab our drinks off the bar and flip the guy a twenty. I drum my fingers out of frustration and impatience while I wait for the change. When I have it back in my purse I grab a hold of Violet and head up a set of stairs. At
the top I see the ladies room and I drag her inside. “Can you just give me the basics?” I ask her. “I don’t understand what the huge secret is.”

She pulls a bright pink lipstick out of her purse and looks into the mirror. “I don’t get why he
hasn’t told you anything. I mean, you’re right, it was just a band.” She stops and her reflection glances at me.

“And?
”

“
The asshole I’ve told you about, the one I used to date – his name is Vincent. Cause for Chaos used to be his band. Billy and Louis and Elijah – you’ll meet him tonight, he’s the lead singer now- were all part of it too.” She puts her lipstick away now and turns to face me. “Billy found Paxton playing at some dive and he knew he had something. Their guitar player had just left town so Billy brought Paxton on board even though he was only fifteen.”

“Okay,” I say, “and…” I can tell she’s hesitating.

“The band was pretty big back then – headlining the best venues in Chicago. When Paxton would play people would listen. I mean- he’s good and he was so young… he just kind of drew his own following apart from the band and Vincent wasn’t cool with the attention he was getting. I hope you never have to meet the guy, seriously, he’s such an arrogant asshole. Anyway, when Vincent kicked him out of the band, Billy, Louis and Elijah followed him.

“
Paxton was pretty bitter about the whole scene at that point but the guys convinced him to give it another shot. His new band was just a joke to him- he named it Polly
as an ode to all the people who suddenly wanted to be part of his life and the fans who basically worshiped the ground he walked on and would mimic back to him any absurd lyric he would sing to them. He never meant for the band to do anything but people loved him. They were playing shows every week, Paxton was still in high school, everything that you might imagine bands partaking in, Paxton partook in. He was too young to be thrown into it the way he was. He was already in over his head and then Vincent made it his mission to take Paxton down and eventually that’s what happened. He left town and Polly was no more. Billy and Louis haven’t played since.” Violet shrugs her shoulders.

“Was that so hard?” I ask her, happy to finally have a miniscule understanding of Paxton’s past. Obviously
, the bit about partaking in things that band members partake in and Vincent taking him down are the specifics that I’m not gonna learn about from anyone but Paxton, but at least I kind of get it now. At least I know that Paxton’s story about a shitty past that he doesn’t want to talk about is legit.

“No, but seriously, don’t bring it up to Paxton. I promised him I would keep my mouth shut.”

I roll my eyes at her, this is all so stupid, but I tell her, “Sure, Vi. I won’t say a word.”

A loud bass guitar riff sounds and the crowd erupts. “Come on, let’s get down there,
” Violet says, dragging me out the door.

Violet pushes he
r way into the crowd until we are back with Louis and Jimmy. I see Camilla a few feet in front of us tangled up with some guy. I’m sure Billy is back on the wall.

The guy on bass guitar finishes his solo and the lights go down and the stage is silent. The crowd starts cheering and my heart starts racing with adrenaline.
The only place I’ve watched bands play are at the few outdoor concerts Paxton brought me to in Rochester. He was always desperate to see live bands but the concerts he brought me to had none of this raw energy attached to them.

A spot light comes on, illuminating the guy with the mic… Elijah, I think Violet said his name was.
“Come on, huh,” he grunts before chanting, “Give it up to me, give it up to me, give it up to me.” The crowd is chanting along with him and pumping their fists in the air, I can feel the electricity running through the room. Then the guitars and the drums kick in and the crowd is jumping up and down. A smile breaks out on my face as I join in the fray. The music is loud and the room is filled with heat and I’m jumping around in my heels and it all feels so damn good and freeing.