Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (10 page)

Blue and green hair is flying around a couple people away from me and then I see that Violet is dancing with Jessa. Neither of them are looking at me so I let my eyes wander. Elijah is nowhere near her. I’m loosely aware that there is a girl clinging onto me as I watch my two girls dancing
on the floor together. Then I see Elijah slowly creep into her space like the snake he is. He’s got his hands all over some skank, but his eyes are on Jessa, just like mine.
Jesus,
she’s got both of us acting like dogs. When the girl in my arms turns her body around and brings her lips to my neck I push her away- which is just what I do now, I guess.

I don’t look at her as I make my way out of the crowd and back to the booth where B
illy, Louis and Jimmy are sitting. I pour myself a glass of beer from the pitcher on the table and swallow it in down in three large gulps.

“How’s life treating you
, man,” Louis says laughing and slapping my shoulder.

“Fucking
superb,” I tell him, refilling my glass.

“Ah, man, it’s good to have the gang back together,” Louis tells me. “You gotta fill us in, man. What’ve you been up to?”

“What do you think I’ve been up to?”

“Shit, I don’t know. You gotta tell us about this town you were staying in, th
e one where you met her,” he says, nodding towards Vi and Jessa.

“All that shit seems like a distant memory,” I tell him.

“Can’t be that distant,” Billy says, “part of it’s in this bar with you, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“
Yeah, I noticed.”

“Jessa said you were living i
n some farming community,” Louis says through his laughter, “they grow all the girls like that?”

“Shit, not you too, man. You trying to get after her too?”

“No. Hell, no,” Louis says, raising his hands.

I laugh at his goofy ass. “You scared of me?”

“A little bit, man. You left your family in Cali and came back here for her, I gotta assume you would strangle me dead if I looked at her the wrong way. Which I haven’t.”

“
Yeah, I might. I’m having a hard time keeping my hands off that bottom feeder.” I don’t even say his name.

“She
already kicked him to the curb,” Jimmy says, shaking his head and laughing.

“Spent
three weeks watching that girl like a hawk and it wasn’t even necessary,” Billy says, laughing. “She didn’t even give him a minute before she told his sorry ass to get lost. Hell. Bet he’s never gotten that song and dance before.”

I have to push down my smile so I don’t loo
k like the pussy whipped motherfucker that I am.

“So what’s your plan, man, now
that you’re back in town?” Billy asks me.

“I don’t have a plan. Just trying to stay off the radar and eventually head back home.”

“So we’re not getting the band back together?” Louis says lightly but I’m guessing both he and Billy would be all on board for a revival.

“Nah
. What do you guys got going on? Where you been playing?”

Jimmy la
ughs, “These assholes haven’t even pulled out the equipment since you left town. It sucks. You guys should at least jam while Pax is in town,” he says looking at Billy.

Billy just looks at the table and shakes his head with a smirk on his mouth. He knows that’s not happening. I feel a little shitty that my crash left them burned too.

Vi and Jessa come stumbling up to the table. Jessa scoots in next to Billy and Vi takes a seat next to me. Jessa’s eyes bore into me from across the table making it clear that she’s pissed at me for the fit I threw on the dance floor.

“You boys are so lame,” Vi announces. “Pax is finally home, we should be celebrating. You guys look like you’re at a funeral.”

“They’re mourning the death of their careers,” Jimmy announces and I want to tell him to shut the hell up. We are all hyper aware that when I took everything away from myself I also took it away from Billy and Louis. We don’t need an announcement.

“
Aww, poor baby, missing your job as their bitch,” Vi says, turning the tension around on her guy. Vi’s my girl.

Jimmy takes it.
“Yeah, I kind of am. Slinging equipment was a whole hell of a lot easier than slinging paper work.”

“Waa
,” Vi wines for effect.

“You’re lucky I’m in love with you, woman,” he tells her and she gives him a very big, very cute smile.

When I heard Vi was settling down with Jimmy it threw me. I have only known her as Vincent’s and that jackass is about as far away on the spectrum from Jimmy as you can get. Seeing them together though, it makes sense. Jimmy’s about as chill as a dude can get and Vi, sweet as she is, is a little manic. Seems like he’s good for her. I smile to myself, happy for Vi, until my eyes cross paths with Jessa’s.

She’s
staring at me. She no longer looks pissed, but thoughtful. I don’t know how I feel about her meeting me in this world. I stare back at her, thinking about the year I spent with her. I’m wondering how the hell I managed to see her every day, put my hands on her every day, and keep my emotions in check. I stare at her and she stares back. I’m trying to figure out what the hell to do with her and I’m wondering if she’s doing the same thing.

It’s been a weird day. A really awesome, horrible, weird day. I don’t know what to make of this guy who sauntered back into my life this morning. When I was with Pax, lying in bed with him, I felt just like I used to with him. But that was about the only normal reprieve I got all day – and he was sleeping through most of it.

The
Paxton that lives in this town is definitely not the guy I know. Not even close. Obviously, I already kind of knew this, but seeing him in the flesh; his consistently tense jaw, his distrusting glares at everyone who crosses his path, his harsh tone and his hard, stiff hands, are all new to me.

And it all kind of sucks
‘cause it all kind of reminds me of that Paxton I met for the first time in River Bluff. The one who was a complete arrogant asshole, but also the one who kissed me with raw anger and made my skin crawl – in a good way.

Nothing about the kid who lives in this town is sweet or generous or even humorous. And I don’t know how I feel about that. Screwed over, I guess. Blindsided.

When he stormed in here this morning and told Elijah to get the hell out I was too happy to see Paxton to give a shit. When we got to the bar he was on edge like I’ve never seen him and it was clear that this change in him had nothing to do with me, but simply the city that he was brought back to - for what reason… surprise! I have no clue ‘cause he won’t tell me. Then, on the dance floor he was my old, playful Paxton; being silly, hoisting me up on his hips, making me miss the way we used to be, flirting with me and playing with me, and then… boom. Asshole is in full effect and he stomps off the dance floor like the lunatic he is proving to be.

He’s got my head spinning, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
And it’s not just me, it’s everyone – including Elijah. With Paxton in the picture, Elijah felt the need to define the relationship which was absurd – there was no relationship, clearly. Not that I would have gotten anywhere with him tonight anyway… I was too busy worrying about Paxton. Figures- I finally find a guy willing to step up to Paxton’s mafia and I end up having to blow him off so I can serve the king of Chicago, just like the rest of his minions.

I don’t get i
t. I really don’t. But now, snuggled up on the couch between him and Vi, floating in my buzz, zoning out to the T.V., I really don’t care. I missed Paxton’s arms. I didn’t realize how much time I spent wrapped up in these arms until I left and came here. But now, in this familiar, comfortable place, I realize that when Pax and I were together – on one of our couches, at parties, on Emily’s farm, driving in his car, at school- he usually had me tucked neatly into his side or his fingers tangled with mine. I’m not an affectionate person. In fact, I generally avoid it whenever possible. But with Paxton I never even noticed it until it was gone. Now that I have it back I realize how much I miss it. How nice it feels to be in the arms of a guy who I have no sexual relationship with.

And maybe that’s it, maybe that’s
why things between Paxton and I, physically at least, are so easy and natural. That first day, in art class, we both made it crystal clear that there would never be anything remotely sexual between us. I never had to worry about if I was giving him the wrong idea or how long I could keep him around before things got too intense.

Vi suddenly starts snoring like
a banshee and I bust out laughing. “God, how can that huge sound come out of that little body?” I muse.

“I’m pretty sure that right there is the reason she won’t let Jimmy stay the ni
ght. Jesus, she’s like an elephant.” Paxton eases his arm out from under me and stands, picking Violet up and delivering her to her bed. I tuck her in and give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Ready to call it a night, be
so?”

“
Yeah. It’s been a long day – having you around is tiring,” I tell him, flicking him on his arm before heading to my…
our
… room.

“As far as I can tell
it’s you who is fucking up the entire vibe of the city. Things were pretty mellow last time I was here.”

“
Funny,” I tell him, heading to the dresser and pulling out my shorts and tank top.

I turn to Paxton who is strip
ping out of his jeans- his hoodie and t-shirt are already on the floor. I can’t stop myself from running my eyes over his body as he stands before me. He really is beautiful in the coarsest of ways. I really wish his friends hadn’t put me on lockdown these past few weeks because a beautiful man like Paxton, standing before me in the flesh, is making my insides pound. Jesus, I need to get off ASAP. I look away from Paxton and peel off my dress and bra before pulling on my tank top. I look at him as I step into my shorts. He’s lounging in the bed, his arms propped above his heads, the tats on the underside of his forearms displayed. I’m very aware that Paxton is watching me dress – something that he has seen before, but his heavy-lidded eyes have me working quick to get myself covered up.

“Pax, are we really sharing that tiny bed?”

“Yes, kid, we are. Get your ass in here, I want to go to sleep.”

I let out a long breath and then go to him, sliding under the
covers, acutely aware of the extra body that is now with me. I’m prepared for him to sling his arm around me but he doesn’t. We just lay next to each other in silence. I’m tired but I can’t sleep, not with him in this bed with me. So close, but in every form of the word, so far away.

“W
hat happened with you and Elijah tonight?” he asks in his deep, quiet voice.

“You
know… same shit as usual. You realize that your friends have been all over any guy that even looks my way?” I ask, curious how much of this long process was dictated by him.

He lets out a low laugh. “Fucking with your game, huh?”

“Yeah, they were. I finally find a guy that’s not terrified by the mere mention of your name and, surprise, surprise, the ultimate ladies’ man is nothing but a commitment-aholic underneath his bad boy skin. You would think I would be every man’s dream- all I want is a little release, a little fun. But can I find it? No, Pax, I cannot. I haven’t gotten any action since Dylan and the only kind of action I’ve gotten from him in the last few months is the husband kind. What the hell is wrong with me?” I know I’m spewing, but with anyone but Pax, Emily and Natalie, talking about my unconventional preferences comes off the wrong way. I need a verbal release. I need so many kinds of releases it’s not even funny.

“
So he pulled out a ring and you bolted?”

“Yes, he got down on one knee and everything,” I say, snidely. “No. But he pulled the commitment talk out of his a
ss. I blame you,” I tell Paxton ‘cause I’m pretty sure it was his fault. “You stroll into town, move into my bed and flaunt your good looks in his face and my potential partner in sex pulls out the lockdown.”

Paxton laughs quietly
before turning his back to me and making it known he’s calling it a night. “Keep trying, Jess. Your perfect man will come along eventually.”

“There is no perfect man,” I say, hunkering down into bed. “You are about the
closest thing that I will ever have to my perfect man.”

“I’ve never gotten you off,
” he mutters.

“Exactly, you’re the only
guy in my life that I’ve been close to who has never gotten me off and therefore we haven’t ruined what we have. Sometimes I think about that night when I first met you. You were such a prick, but I’m glad. If we would have eventually had sex we wouldn’t have become friends. I wouldn’t have you in my life. It’s scary to think about,” I whisper. Paxton is so quiet, I wonder if he’s sleeping. “I don’t ever want to lose you.”

I wait a minute for him to respond, but it’s clear he’s dozed off. I close my eyes and
try to do the same but I can’t. Now that Paxton’s here I just want to be with him. I want to stay up late and talk like we used to. I want to fall asleep on his chest like I used to. I turn and wrap my arms around his naked stomach, fitting my cheek against his warm back. I take in a big breath, letting Paxton’s familiar scent and his warm body comfort me.

#

I wake up with a start; there is a man clinging to my stomach and I can feel an erection pushing into the base of my back. My body is instantly on fire thinking that it is about to get some action and then I remember…. Paxton. I smile and grab a hold of his hand. His long fingers are running over the strip of my belly that’s not covered by my tank top or my shorts. “I missed waking up in your arms, Pax, but your morning wood is not cozy.”

“Shut up, Jess,
” he tells me in a groggy voice like he’s not quite awake. “I was having a good dream, why you gotta go and fuck it up.”

“
Eww,” I say, scooting out of his arms and away from his boner. “I do not want to be groped while you are dreaming about getting it on with some chick.”

Paxton laughs and pulls me back into position. “Don’t be uptight
, Jess. You’re my bed buddy and this guy’s sleeping with you too,” he says, referring to his penis like it’s its own person. “Get used to him.”

“I’m in a state of sexual frus
tration so waking up to an eager penis, then realizing it is attached to my best friend, is not ideal. You need to get your little friend under control.”

“Sounds like you like my
big
friend.”

“I would like a big friend,” I mutter.

“You can borrow him if you need to,” Paxton tells me, pushing himself into my backside which turns me on and has me about to rip my clothes off and sit on him, which is not an option, so reluctantly I sit up and get out of bed. I turn around and look at Paxton. He’s on his back now, his hands behind his head, his hair a sexy mess, his taut, golden body completely exposed. His
big
friend trying to spring out of his black boxer briefs.

“You need a cold shower,” I tell him before grabbing my robe and going to take one myself.

Under the warm water I’m absently thinki
ng about my sexual needs. That situation that happened this morning cannot be a regular thing. I need to find a stable sexual partner – ASAP.

I get dressed
and go to check on Vi but her bed is neatly made – she must be at work. I find Paxton on the couch, eating a bowl of cereal, watching some European festival on Palladia. It’s Sunday, I have a paper to write, but other than that I got nothing going on.

I sit dow
n and Paxton sets his bowl down before settling into the couch and throwing his hand over my thigh.

“What’s your
plan for the day?” I ask him.

“I fi
gured you’d keep me entertained,” he says, looking up at me with a crooked smile on his face.

“You need a guided tour of Chicago?” I ask him.

“Not unless you got a disguise I can borrow. Laying low Jess… remember?”

“So this is it, huh?” I ask him, feeling fidgety already. I don’t know why. I should be happy to
lounge around all day with Pax but my body is alive with energy.

“Yep. Sit back and relax, kid.”

“I’m gonna make breakfast,” I say, standing and heading toward the kitchen.

He laughs. “What? Are you gonna cook?”

I roll my eyes to myself. No – I don’t cook. But I mean… it can’t be that hard.

“I gotta see this,” he sa
ys, standing and walking toward the kitchen, taking a seat on one of the stools at the counter.

I ignore him and take out things from the fridge: eggs, cheese, milk… I can handle scrambled eggs. I throw them on the counter and grab a cereal bowl from the cabinet.

Paxton smirks at me. “What are you making?”

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re making scrambled eggs for a toddler.”

“Huh?”

“The bowl, kid. It ain’t big enough.”

“Oh my god, are you going to sit there and give a play by play with criticism? I don’t need ten eggs.”

“Yeah? That’s good ‘cause that bowl will fit about one and you’re feeding me too.”

“Really?” I ask him. “Why the hell would I make eggs for you?”

“Because you’ve never made me anything. I’m scared shitless but I want to see what you can do, beso. Show me.”

I give him a tight smile and put away the bowl before I go searching for something larger. I find the biggest bowl in Vi’s cabinet – the one she uses for popcorn, and proceed to torture all twelve eggs until they are in the bowl.

“Those white things floating around in there,” Paxton says, “those are shells and you gotta get them out.”

I look down into my bowl
and see the evidence of his arrogant assumption.

“Deal with it,” I tell him. “Only pussies are afraid of egg shells.”

He laughs to himself before getting off his stool. He stops and plucks a spoon out of a drawer then comes and stands behind me. He reaches around me, pressing his chest into my back and his warm breath onto my shoulder. He starts plucking the shells out of the eggs. “You’re going to make a lousy wife someday, beso,” he mutters.