Patrice Lyle - Health Nut 01 - Killer Kung Pao (18 page)

"Yeah, but the China King worker said Van dressed as a woman sometimes."
A woman
with fab taste in shoes.
"Dare I try the doorknob?" I thought of my flashcards. "Is it considered breaking and entering if we're concerned about someone's safety?"

"I wouldn't reckon so." Tattoo Tex twisted the knob, and the door creaked open. "Definitely won't be breaking in because the door's unlocked."

"That's not a good sign." My pulse raced as I stuck my head into the entryway. "Hello? Is anyone home? Van, are you all right?"

"Hello thar?" Tattoo Tex cupped his hand by his ear and leaned over the threshold. "I don't hear anythang."

"Me either."

We scanned the living room, and nothing looked odd. Except for the furniture, that was. A faded orange floral couch dominated the room and was flanked by a couple of grubby lawn chairs. The fringed-shade on the lamp dated back to the sixties as did the pea-green shag carpet.

I gazed at the TV. The cracked screen made me wonder if it was turned off or broken. "Maybe Van went for a walk and forgot to lock up?"

Tattoo Tex gripped my shoulder and pointed toward the kitchen. My pulse raced when I saw someone's feet peeking out from the other side of the wall…wearing a pair of yellow Sparkle O sandals.
Holy chocolate babka.
Instinct took over, and I ran into the kitchen.

I crouched beside Van and gasped. The woman Charles had been arguing with and the one who'd run from me in the hallway, Van, or Vanessa, was lying on his back wearing a yellow sundress, a slightly askew long black wig, and the face of death.

With my medical training, I'd recognize that pale grayish hue anywhere.

"He's dead." I reached for Van's wrist. Coolness seeped into my fingers, and goose bumps pebbled my arms. "Probably for a few hours at least."

A serious look crossed Tattoo Tex's face. "Weird that he died after talking to the police."

"No kidding." I swallowed down a sour taste and tried to connect the chocolate dots. My gut told me Van's death wasn't a coincidence.

Tattoo Tex gestured toward the slight stubble emerging on Van's jaw line. "Van's definitely a dude. Can't cover up a beard."

"True, and he's also the mystery woman from the parking lot," I said. "And the one who ran from me in the hallway outside Babette's room."

"You sure?"

"Positive." I sat back on my calves and stared at Van's body. "We need to call the police."

"How do you reckon he was killed?"

"I'm not a medical examiner, but I'd say the cause of death wasn't natural." I pointed at the light swelling and slight bruise covering his right cheek. "Looks like he was beaten before he died, and with no gun-shot or stab wounds, I'd guess he was bludgeoned."

"Two murders in this Podunk town. Who would have thought?"

My chest tightened as I realized my PI mission was more complicated now. Why would someone want to kill Van? Had someone paid Van to add the peanut oil to Mystic Ming's kung pao and now wanted to shut him up? But if Van had already gone to the police, what was there to silence?

Tattoo Tex pointed at an oversized, powder blue, patent-leather handbag propped against the refrigerator. "He could have gotten clocked by that old-lady purse."

"I wouldn't think a purse could pack that much force." Not my tiny sequined one anyway.

"Depends on what's inside." He approached the bag and lifted it. "Feels like a ton of bricks in here."

"You better not touch it, Tattoo Tex. The flashcards said not to taint the evidence."

"Good point." He set the purse back down, grabbed a paper towel from the roll on the wall, and used it to unzip the bag. "This is odd. I'd bet my best tattoo this is the murder weapon."

I joined him and reviewed the contents. A travel pack of tissues, a gold tube of lipstick, and several shrink-wrapped packages of partially frozen meat were stowed inside.

"Who carries around one-pound packages of meat in a purse?" My purse would barely hold a turkey hotdog.

"Someone packed this purse with intent to kill."

I counted five packages and then peered at the labels. "Organic grass-fed beef. They would have been frozen as hard as a gemstone a few hours ago, and heavy enough to deliver a lethal blow."

"My grandma had a purse like that. She used to threaten to knock me in the knees with it if I didn't behave. But who would have thought a grandma purse could kill someone?"

An army of dung beetles flipped in my stomach. The murder weapon happened to be an old-lady purse filled with organic beef? Was this a set up designed to implicate Aunt Alfa? Then I turned and saw a familiar box sitting on the counter near the sink.

An unopened box of Cosmic Cake gluten-free cupcakes. Aunt Alfa's favorite. Yep, this was a set up, all right.

But would Detective Fifi get it?

An Organic Relationship Moment

The Manatee PD swarmed us minutes after my 9-1-1 call. We were instructed to wait outside the apartment complex while the police inspected the crime scene.

Time moved slowly in the Florida heat. The shade bestowed by a generous palm tree did nothing to squelch the warmth rising in my chest. Tattoo Tex tried to assure me everything would be okay, but I didn't believe it. Those darn Cosmic Cupcakes. Detective Fifi was sure to notice them after she'd mentioned the Cosmic Cupcake wrapper found in the bag containing the killer kung pao. Not to mention the deadly old-lady purse.

Someone was trying to frame Aunt Alfa, and I had to find out who. Stat.

"Dr. Piper Meadows?" a familiar woman's voice called out.

Detective Fifi headed our way.

"Hi, detective," I said.

She didn't look chipper. "What're you doing here,
doctor
?"

I was in no mood for sarcasm, but making a smart-aleck remark wouldn't be appropriate. "I needed to ask Van a few questions."

She angled her pen over a small notepad. "About what?"

About my investigation?
That probably wasn't the best thing to say, however. "Babette told everyone at the séance last night that Van had come forward with information about the case, so I wanted to ask him about it."

"You're referring to the witness testimony Van provided about your aunt's alleged connection to the murder investigation?"

My chest tightened for a moment. Was this a trick question? "Babette wasn't specific about what Van said."

Detective Fifi's lips formed a straight line, and her jaw tensed. "Let me get this straight. You learned Van had provided the police with information about your aunt's involvement, so you decided to question the witness. And when you arrived, you found him dead?"

I didn't like how that sounded, but I answered with, "Yes."

"That's exactly what happened, ma'am," Tattoo Tex said. "We stopped by China King, and then we came here. Van was dead when we arrived, and I reckon he hadn't been dead for long because the beef inside the purse was still partially frozen."

"Weren't you at the hotel the night Mystic Ming died?"

"That's right, ma'am. The name's Tattoo Tex."

Detective Fifi slammed her notebook shut and shifted her weight. "How'd you know what was inside the purse?"

Uh-oh.
I told him not to tamper with the evidence.

"Ma'am, this fine lady here," Tattoo Tex said as he gestured toward me, "is a doctor. It was her duty to see if she could help Van, and it was my duty to ensure her safety. What if there'd been a bomb in that gigantic purse? I figured one dead body was enough."

"Actually we've had two dead bodies." Detective Fifi eyed Jock Cowboy from the top of his cowboy hat to the strings on his tennis shoes. "You should never tamper with evidence. We'll have to fingerprint you both."

"I'm telling you the truth, ma'am."

Detective Fifi turned toward me, all business. "Did you handle the purse?"

I was still stuck on Tattoo Tex's
fine-lady
comment. How cute was that?

"
Doctor
Meadows?"

"Sorry. What?"

"Did you handle the purse?"

I shook my head.

"We'll need both of you to provide formal statements about what happened here today." Detective Fifi stepped aside to allow the body cart to pass.

Van's body was encased in a black bag. My breath suspended in my chest as a guy pushed the cart toward the transport vehicle. Two murders in two days. I'd bet my entire Sparkle O collection whoever had killed Mystic Ming had also killed Van.

And that person wanted Aunt Alfa to take the fall.

I needed to relay my investigative findings to Detective Fifi. "If I had information about the case, would you be interested?"

She crossed her arms and gazed at me. "I thought I told you to stay out of the investigation. This is a police matter."

"I agree wholeheartedly."
If only you'd do your job and quit focusing on my aunt.
"I just happened to have uncovered some interesting things."

"Like what?"

"A woman named Garnett, for starters," I said. "She's registered at the show. She was furious at Mystic Ming for dumping her. And when he cursed her to life as an old maid, she told him death cancels any curse. And you should have seen the menacing look on her face when she said it too." The detective's lack of enthusiasm was annoying, but I continued. "She also sells these disturbing voodoo dolls."

"Voodoo dolls aren't illegal in the state of Florida."

Hmm.
What was the best way to tell her about the voodoo doll I'd recovered in Mystic Ming's room? Was rummaging through a crime scene a crime? What about kissing at a crime scene?

Tattoo Tex cleared his throat. "I reckon they ought to be illegal. All this psychic stuff makes me nervous."

"I don't like it either." She eyed Jock Cowboy's lusciousness as if his hotness had just registered on her hot-guy radar. "Where're you from?"

"The great state of Texas."

A pale pink blush crept up the detective's neck, and she fanned herself.
Honestly.

"Voodoo dolls aren't illegal, but I recovered one from Mystic Ming's room that seemed odd." I dug through my purse and grabbed the hideous mini-Mystic-Ming. I proudly handed it to Fifi. "See?"

She gave the freakish doll a once over. "How'd you obtain this?"

Uh-oh.
"It was sewn inside one of Mystic Ming's jackets."

"That's not what I asked. How'd you get the doll?"

I gulped. But then I remembered I'd entered the hotel room legally. "Vesta provided me with Mystic Ming's hotel room key."

She mulled my statement over. "You were acting on your own, and we didn't initiate your collection of this evidence, so I'll take it. See where it leads."

"Thanks." Next I retrieved Norman's check and told her the story about the pizza cruise and the fake psychic reading that never occurred. "That's motive right there."

She lifted her eyebrows in a manner that said,
I'll be the judge of that
. "Anything else?"

"I think you should look into Babette too." I relayed my Internet discovery about Luther. "I think that's quite suspicious."

"Thanks for sharing, but we already know about Luther's death, Nancy Drew."

I stared at her. Would it have been worse if she'd called me J.B. Fletcher?

"I reckon Luther's death-by-peanut-butter-cookie should put Babette at the top of your suspect list, ma'am."

She eyed Tattoo Tex up and down with a look that told me she wouldn't mind dating him herself. "Luther's death was ruled an accident. He bought a mislabeled chocolate chip cookie that contained peanut butter. Nothing to worry about, sir."

Sir?
Amazing how nice she was to Jock Cowboy. Was it because he'd called her
ma'am
,
or because she'd figured out he was the best thing since dark chocolate brownies?

"What I'm worried about, ma'am, is why someone clocked Van with a purse filled with ground beef."

Detective Fifi pursed her lips. "Interesting possible murder weapon given that the purse looks a bit elderly."

Oh, please.

"I also find the box of Cosmic gluten-free cupcakes on the coffee table quite curious," Detective Fifi added.

"Those were planted." She had to know that.

"We'll see."

"I don't reckon Aunt Alfa could have lifted a purse filled with frozen meat."

"Exactly," I said, happy to have Tattoo Tex by my side. "And she's never owned an old lady purse." I gestured at the tiny silver sequined bag hanging from my shoulder. "She likes cute small purses like mine."

Detective Fifi flipped through her notebook. "I have a witness who said your aunt stated she does Tae Kwan Do. If that's the case, she's probably stronger than she looks."

No argument there. But that wasn't the point. "Look, my aunt was on a date last night. You can check it out."

"I'll ascertain her whereabouts. Don't worry."

Then I remembered something else. "I saw Van dressed as a woman fighting with Charles in the parking lot, and I saw him outside Babette's hotel room pounding on the door." I quickly relayed the details of the two strange stories. "Don't you think that's odd?"

She eyed me. "What I think is odd is finding you on the scene of two murders,
doctor
."

I hadn't thought about that when I'd called the police. I glanced at Tattoo Tex who gave me a reassuring smile. He mouthed the words, "Don't worry, doc."

Aw.
I could have kissed him. But I didn't want Fifi to get jealous.

"We'll need statements from both of you. Tattoo Tex, you come with me." Detective Fifi pointed at Jock Cowboy. "And Dr. Meadows, you go with Detective Allenton." She pointed at a beefy detective with a dark crew cut who had joined us.

Fine. Whatever. Pick the hot guy over me.

"And you stay out of this investigation from now on,
doctor
. You got that?"

Yeah, right.
Someone had gone to a lot of effort to frame Aunt Alfa for both murders. And, no matter what Detective Fifi said, I was going to track down the killer.

*   *   *

After the detectives took our statements, a strong PI instinct hit me—along with recalling a flashcard that said to follow up on all evidence—so I suggested we stop at the grocery store on the way back to our hotel. Tattoo Tex happily agreed and pulled into the parking lot. He navigated around a few senior citizens cruising on walkers and young mothers pushing carts filled with kids and groceries.

"What're you thinking thar, doc?"

"Someone had to buy those Cosmic Cupcakes, along with the organic beef." I glanced at the large
Greens & Groceries
sign situated on the rooftop. "Maybe this store has a health food section, and the killer bought the groceries here?"

"Great thinking." He parked the truck and then furrowed his brows as if he was pondering something serious. "May I ask you a question?"

My heart raced. Were we about to have a big relationship moment? Probably too soon for an official love declaration, but was he going to ask me if we wanted to be exclusive? I'd say yes for sure.

"Ask me anything." I hoped my voice sounded sexy.

"Is organic food a big hype?"

So much for a question about
us
, but at least he was interested in health.

"I don't think so." I easily launched into my organic food talk, telling him all the reasons I preferred organic over conventional.

When I had finished, he looked convinced. "From now on, all I'm buying is organic food."

"Happy to hear it." I opened my door, and he raced around to assist me out. Such a Texas gentleman.

He clasped my hand in his, and we strolled inside. I asked someone where the health food section was located, and we were directed to an aisle in the middle of the store. Shelves of nondairy milks, nut butters, gluten free pastas, and a variety of organic snacks surrounded us. No Cosmic Cakes, however.

Tattoo Tex reached for a jar of organic peanut butter. "Think my truck needs organic peanut oil?"

Cute.
"I think your truck will be fine."

"No, ma'am. Once I commit, I go all the way."

I bit my lower lip. "That's an excellent philosophy." One I hoped to experience personally one day.

He set the peanut butter back on the shelf while I rooted through the snacks.
Nice selection.
The store offered a variety of gluten-free cookies and several kinds of quinoa chips. Two flavors I hadn't seen before. I was deciding between Chipotle Zest and Basil & Tomato when a store clerk strolled past us. An idea popped into my head.

"Excuse me," I said. "Do you guys sell those gluten-free Cosmic Cupcakes?"

The redheaded teenage girl's face lit up like a makeup mirror. "Oh, my gosh, I love those. The chocolate ones with vanilla frosting are my favorite. We do sell them, and they're right here." She pointed to an empty space on the shelf and scrunched her eyebrows. "That's weird. We had a bunch last night before I left."

I shot an
ah-ha
look at Tattoo Tex. "Any chance you could find out if one person cleaned them out?"

She laughed as she removed her walkie-talkie from her belt clip. "So you can bribe them and get some for yourself?"

"Exactly," I said with a smile. No need to tell her they might have been purchased by a killer.

"Hey, Bobby," the girl said into her walkie-talkie. "Who bought all the Cosmic Cakes? I have a customer who wants some."