Patrice Lyle - Health Nut 01 - Killer Kung Pao (20 page)

"You have any…naughty movies?" The words nearly burned my lips.

A flush crept up his neck. "I got lots of DVDs with bad blondes."

I flashed him a fake grin and braced myself for attack. "How about we watch one and then reenact it?"

His eyes lit and a maniacal grin spread across his face. "This'll be way better than the Gettysburg reenactment."

That was a surprise. "I didn't figure you for a history buff."

"I just like being in the buff." A stream of hysterics burst from his lips.

He's losing it
, the clinician in me said.
Time to take him down,
the PI in me countered.

He gripped the scalpel and turned toward his suitcase, letting his guard down for a split second. This was my chance. I reached into my purse and extracted the blowtorch supplies. Then I steadied the hairspray and lighter with my arms extended.

"Hey, Charles." I hoped it still worked. I hadn't made a hairspray torch since high school.

When he turned, I pressed the nozzle of the Aqua Net and flicked on the lighter. A stream of hairspray shot through the flame, launching a two-foot blowtorch. The blast smacked Charles in the nose and swept up to his eyebrows.

"Aaahhh!" He covered his face with his hands and fell. He thrashed on the floor, his arms and legs flailing like a toddler mid-tantrum. The gross smell of burnt hair filled the air. His shrieks of pain almost made me want to render medical assistance, but he was a killer.

And I had to get to safety.

I dropped the blowtorch supplies and ran past Charles. My heart raced as my gaze zeroed in on my escape.
Get to the door.
I yanked open the door and bolted into the hallway.

"Doc, is that you?" A familiar voice called out. "Are you all right?"

I spun around and pressed a hand to my heart. Tattoo Tex, accompanied by a hotel security guard and Wilbur, thundered through the corridor. Tears welled up in my eyes.

I pointed toward the room. "Charles killed Mystic Ming and Van, and he tried to kill me too."

The security guard and Wilbur hustled into Charles's room. Tattoo Tex palmed my shoulder. His lips parted, but his voice was drowned out by a commotion.

"Call 9-1-1," Charles ordered. "I need a doctor. That bad blonde burnt me."

"I'm calling 9-1-1 all right," Wilbur said. "But I'll be calling the police. How dare you kill people in my hotel, even if it did up our bookings."

"Who cares who I killed? They both deserved it." Charles let out a miserable moan. "I'm in agony. I need a doctor."

"Hold it right there." The security guard's tone was sharp. "Don't move."

"You got him?" Wilbur asked.

"Threat neutralized," the security guard said. "Call the police."

I looked at Tattoo Tex and released a yoga-like breath. The tears that had threatened to make an appearance dissolved. "It's over. The Killer Kung Pao case is closed."

"You sure put those PI cards to good use."

I smiled. "What a relief."

Tattoo Tex rubbed my shoulder and then eyed my outfit. His jaw tightened. "Did that stupid psychic surgeon force you into your skivvies?"

I glanced at my torso, and my face heated. However, I was glad I wasn't wearing granny panties now.

"In my rush to escape, I left my clothes behind. Can you get them, Tex? They're on the bed."

"The bed?" His face darkened like a Texas thunderstorm as he started toward the room. "I'll kill him. I'll kick him with my boots so hard that he'll be squealing for his mama."

I laughed and grabbed his bicep. "I'm fine. Nothing happened." I told him the story about the game and the Aqua Net blowtorch.

His tight jaw relaxed. "You sure you're okay?"

"Completely." Especially now that he was here.

"He didn't hurt you?"

I shook my head. "I got lucky."

"No, I got lucky 'cause you're here with me now."

My eyes burned again. I wanted to say,
I'm so fortunate to have met you
,
but was he still mad about the
Suspicous Peeps
file?

He lifted one of his boots and flashed me a chocolate-melting grin. "I have to point out the handiness of cowboy boots."

What happened to Jock Cowboy? "You've been wearing tennis shoes."

"Just wanted to try 'em out. I wear boots every day to work and when I'm coming to rescue you." He lifted my hands and caressed my fingers. "I panicked when I got your text."

Aw.

Despite my lifelong dislike of cowboy stuff, I had to admit his boots looked hot. "If I weren't nearly naked, I could just kiss you."

He raked an intense gaze up me. "Don't let that stop you."

Before I could answer, he pulled me against him, and we embraced like long-out-of-touch lovers. He wrapped me in his arms, and I snuggled against his chest. Warmth radiated through me, and every cell in my body was smiling.

Who knew that such happiness could be found in a cowboy cuddle?

"I'm sorry I wrote that about your hat." I reached up to touch the ten-gallon hat perched on his head. "I love your cowboy hat, Tex. It's perfect on you."

"Glad to hear it, doc, because I bought you a gift today."

"For what?"

He blushed. "It's a pink cowgirl hat decorated with rhinestones."

How sweet. "Thanks. I'll love it. But what's the gift for?"

"Can't have the girl I love not havin' a cowgirl hat."

My chest tightened.
Holy chocolate babka.
This was it. Our big relationship moment. "Did you just say you love me?"

"I reckon I did."

"Well, I reckon I love you too."

He kissed me, and I immersed myself in Tattoo-Tex-land. Until my phone buzzed, alerting me to a new text. Seconds later, we came up for air, and I fumbled inside my purse for my cell.

"I bet that's Ming thar, but let me grab your clothes real quick before we read it."

My heart did a little jig. He could
we
me all day. Seconds later, I got dressed and leaned into Tattoo Tex. His hard arms wrapped around me as we read the message.

Thanks for finding killer. Glad you not have to make bang bang with Charles.

Tattoo Tex stiffened, but I laughed even though the idea of
bang bang
with Charles was more terrifying than a life without dark chocolate. Then my phone buzzed again, and another message flashed across the screen.

PS Mystic Ming think you look hot in lacey pink panty. You should wear more often.

Tattoo Tex tugged me closer and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Never thought I'd agree with a dead psychic."

I glanced in the rearview mirror for the fourth time and couldn't believe what I was seeing. "I look ridiculous in this thing."

Aunt Alfa laughed. "Jock Cowboy's hot, but you're too sparkly to be a cowgirl."

"I know," I said as I turned into the parking lot of Tara Thai Restaurant (home of the best rice-noodle, early-bird special in Manatee). "But I feel bad that Tattoo Tex read my
Suspicious Peeps
file. He was crushed over my dislike of Western stuff."

"Poor guy. If he said essential oils were a bunch of hooey, I'd be madder than an old bat without her false choppers holding a slice of veggie pizza." Aunt Alfa's face puckered into its famous lemon-sucking mode. "Wouldn't that be awful?"

I grinned. Only my aunt would come up with that analogy.

"I guess the real question is, Pipe, is love ever enough to give up who you are?"

I drove Pinky into a parking spot near the front of the restaurant and cut the engine. "Is it giving up who I am if I'm wearing a rhinestone pink cowboy hat to make my boyfriend happy?"

Jock Cowboy had beamed with pride when I'd put the silly hat on my head. It was like I'd given him a whole year's supply of peanut oil for his truck.

Aunt Alfa pulled down the visor, peered into the mirror, and slicked her lips with herbal lip gloss. "I guess not. I've been doing stuff for Mervyn that I don't normally do, like wearing his dead mom's wig and dress."

I sucked in a breath. "That was to escape a mob scene, Aunt Alfa. They thought you murdered Mystic Ming."

"That was the stupidest thing. Like I'd whack a psychic." She waved her hand. "I'm glad Babette and that turd-for-brains Charles got arrested. Serves them right for trying to frame me. And I'm so glad you solved the case."

I clasped my silver sequined purse and was grateful for the PI flashcards nestled inside. "I could have spent the next two decades visiting you in prison."

"My golden years were on the line, but you saved me." She squeezed my hand and shot me an endearing great-auntie smile. "Thanks, Pipe. You're such a smart girl."

I loved her so much. "Anything for you, Aunt Alfa."

"And I'm glad you torched that Looney Tunes psychic surgeon."

I laughed. "Thank goodness for your Aqua Net hairspray and Granny Panties lighter. That was the best weapon ever."

"Wonder if we should market that as a single gal's defense strategy?"

A roar of a truck behind us reminded me I wasn't single anymore. Nope, Tattoo Tex and I were officially together. A couple. Ever since the arrest of the Kung Pao Killers a few hours ago, we'd declared our sparkling new love for each other.

I was more ecstatic than if I'd won a lifetime supply of dark chocolate almond clusters.

Tattoo Tex's peanut-oil-fueled truck rolled into the parking lot and halted beside us. All I saw were tires and sapphire blue metal because Pinky was so low to the ground. My stomach tightened. I was about to embark on my first official date with my official new boyfriend…and quite possibly the love of my life.

Aunt Alfa cranked her head to the side. "Look, the guys are here. That was awfully nice of Jock Cowboy to take Mervyn shopping for a new toupee."

Tattoo Tex came around to the passenger's side of his truck and helped Mervyn out. He set the old man onto the pavement as if he were setting down a child. Then he grabbed Mervyn's walker and placed it beside him.

My pulse raced as my gaze swept over his lean body. All that and a kind heart too. Tattoo Tex was such a gentleman.

"On second thought, Pipe, keep wearin' that dorky hat. You're not going to get much better than Jock Cowboy."

That was for sure.

"You think Mervyn's
the one
?" I asked my aunt.

She scrunched her face and shook her head. "Merv's been fun, but his RV's kind of a pit. I'm ready to move on to fresher fields."

I never should have introduced her to
Sex and the City
.

Tattoo Tex walked around Pinky and opened the door for Aunt Alfa. She hopped out and assisted Mervyn into the restaurant for the early-bird special. Then Tattoo Tex came around to my side of the car and opened my door.

"That cowgirl hat suits you just fine, doc. It's as fancy as you are."

I handed him Brownie and stepped out in my silver-beaded heels. I beeped Pinky shut as Tattoo Tex slipped his arm around me. "I love my new look, Tattoo Tex."

He placed Brownie onto the ground and grasped the handle of his teal rhinestone leash. "Good 'cause I love you."

"I love you, too." Three words had forever set my life in a new direction. I was still a naturopathic doctor and a dark chocolate addict, but now I had a partner who supported everything I loved. Plus I had a gorgeous new cowgirl hat.

The Western look wasn't what I'd envisioned for myself, but as I glanced at my reflection in a nearby car window I decided something hugely important. Anything looked good as long as I was with Tattoo Tex.

I snuggled into the crook of his arm and smiled as Brownie toddled along beside us. "Thanks for coming to my rescue."

"Shucks, you didn't need me." He cast me a Texan-god smile that made my knees shakier than fresh chocolate pudding. "You torched Charles's nose pretty good."

I winced. I'd acted in self-defense, but I felt bad. "Yeah, he might need reconstructive surgery."

"He's lucky that's all he needs. I could have killed him."

Aw
.

"Hey, Pipe," Aunt Alfa hollered from the restaurant entrance with her hands cupped around her mouth. "Before I forget, tell Jock Cowboy I got him a bright yellow banana hammock at the flea market today."

Tattoo Tex gave me a quizzical look. "A what?"

I shook my head and prayed she'd forget about the purchase. A moment later, we joined Aunt Alfa and Mervyn in the lobby of the Thai restaurant.

A young girl with coal-black hair pulled into a bun smiled at us from behind the hostess table. "How many for the early-bird special?"

"Four." I gestured at Tattoo Tex, Aunt Alfa, Mervyn, and me.

"Correction, doc." Tattoo Tex pointed at Brownie, who was busy sniffing Tattoo Tex's boot. "We have five, ma'am. You seat piglets, right?"

I nearly morphed into a puddle of creamy fudge frosting.

The girl said she would have to ask the manager. While we waited, Aunt Alfa read the early-bird-special menu aloud to Mervyn. Tattoo Tex picked up Brownie and cradled my adorable piglet in his arms. I leaned against Tattoo Tex in a state of utter relationship bliss.

"You going to keep those PI flashcards, doc?"

"I hate to toss them out. What if I need them in the future?"

"Your future's with me." He kissed my forehead and looked into my eyes. "I think it's safest for you to be a fulltime naturopathic doctor. Investigative work's too dangerous."

"True, but we have another expo coming up in two months, and I've already paid the registration fee."
Better check the paperwork when I get home because Aunt Alfa signed us up.
Don't want another mishap.

He pulled me closer. "I reckon I better come along to keep you safe."

I dotted a kiss on his cheek. "I'd love for you to come, but I doubt Aunt Alfa and I could ever get into this much trouble again."

My phone chirped the announcement of a new text. I retrieved my phone from my purse and gasped when I read the message.

Mystic Ming say keep the PI flashcards, Dr. Piper. Spirit Guide say you not done being PI. You encounter big trouble at next show.

Oh, for the love of chocolate ganache.