Authors: Zoya Tessi
“Hmm... I'm not so sure. You’re my cupcake right now, with double cream on top.”
I almost rolled out of bed as laughter overtook me and it increased when I saw the
appalled expression on his face. No one with half a brain would have compared Alex to a cupcake. It was like calling a raging tiger a pussycat.
“I'll pretend I didn’t hear that
.” he said when he could get a word in, even though I kept on laughing.
“Whatever you say, sugar.”
“Oh, I'll give you sugar!”
He reached his hands out in my direction with the intention of catching me. I squeaked and tried to get away, but he was on top of me before I could protest, looking at me with mischief glinting in his eyes.
“You forgot to get a hall pass,” he brushed his lips against mine before releasing me.
Getting out of bed, I took the first clean
T-shirt I could see from the closet and headed for the bathroom.
Half an hour later, I was sitting on a counter top in the kitchen, devouring the biggest tuna sandwich I’d ever seen, when Alex walked in, looking like a thundercloud set to burst. Everything about him looked perfect, except his expression, which showed his good mood hadn’t lasted at all.
“What is it now? You look as though someone stepped on your toes.”
”We need to talk...”
“Well I didn’t doubt it.”
“Princess... This thing between us... it wasn’t supposed to happen. I think you know that.”
“And?”
“And I don’t want things to go wrong here... Once this situation with Sherazi is resolved, I...“
“Yes, Alex. I know. You're
gonna leave and I’ll probably never see you again.”
I did my best to keep my voice steady
. It was obvious how this whole thing was going to end, but when I heard my own words, and worse the silence that hung in the air, it sounded so final that my heart turned to lead in an instant. Steeling myself to sound as convincing as possible, I held the air in my chest and willed my voice not to tremble.
“Believe
me, I’m not laboring under any illusion that one roll in the hay makes us an item. That would make me pretty stupid. As screwed up as things are, I don’t imagine that one hour of passion would lead to us walking off into the sunset. I mean… It’s a crazy idea.”
“
Even if things weren’t the way they are... we’re too different. Complete opposites, like magnets forced together at the wrong end.” he gave me a serious look.
“I’m aware of that, Alex.
What we did was pretty normal considering we’re chained together twenty-four-seven. It was just sex, that’s all. I don’t know why you’re acting all melodramatic all of a sudden.”
“I was afraid you'd think...”
“Oh, come on,” I forced myself to smile, “Don’t flatter yourself. The truth is you’re hot, I can’t deny that, but apart from that you’re not my type at all.”
That’s it. Keep smiling. Just don’t look him in the
eyes, or he will see right through your bluff.
“Well,
good. That makes things a lot less complicated.”
I had to summon every last ounce of strength to stay composed, even though inside I felt shattered.
Determined not to let my emotions show, I casually shrugged, knowing that if he doubted my resolve that would be the end. He’d call Nikolai and by night time I’d have a new bodyguard.
“In an
y case, that can’t happen again.”
After
this conclusion, Alex turned and headed for the front door. A minute later I heard the door close behind him with a thud and a key turn in the lock.
Tha
t was my cue to stop pretending and I brought my hands up over my mouth to stifle the sobs that had been building inside me. If someone had told me a month before that I’d be crying in a kitchen of a serious criminal because he didn’t want me, I’d have thought they were insane.
You're really a fool.
A whiny pathetic fool.
I felt the sharp prick of pins and needles in my legs as I stood up
, tears falling from my flushed cheeks. After washing my face in cold water over the sink, I went to the fridge, pulled out some frozen carrots and held the bag against my face, hoping the cold would do something for the puffiness round my eyes. I splashed water over my face again for good measure and took a clean dish cloth off a hook to dry myself before leaving the kitchen.
Passing the front door I was surprised to hear the sound of Alex’s ringtone from somewhere close by
. Thinking he was coming back, I readied myself for another performance, but the sound of his key in the lock didn’t come. Half a minute passed, and eventually I went right up to the door on tiptoe, bringing my eye to the spyhole.
Half obscured and around eight feet away, there was Alex, smoke rising around him from a cigarette in his hand, sitting at the top of the stairs and staring down at his feet.
When he walked into the living room half an hour later
and sat next to me on the couch, I decided to pretend that nothing happened. Keeping my eyes glued to the TV, I watched from the corner of my eye as he smoked, blowing smoke rings from time to time.
“You definitely sulk more than anyone I know. Sometimes yo
u remind me of a big old walrus.” was my comment, eventually.
“
Two hours ago I was a cupcake with cream. Make up your mind.”
“You don’t look like a cupcake right now. More like a lemon that got left in the store... all dried up and sour. Do you practice that expression in the mirror? I’ve just got to know…”
“No. It’s just something I’m blessed with.” he shrugged his shoulders and I felt like smacking him on the head with a heavy thing.
“Jackass,” I spat the word irritably.
“Weirdo.”
“Walrus!”
“Brat.”
I grabbed a pillow from the couch and flung it towards his face
, but he managed to catch it in time, just before it hit him.
“OK. I guess I’d better not retaliate in future. Obviously I risk losing an eye.”
Though he tried to keep a straight face, I saw how the corners of his lips turned up just a little.
“You’re acting! You smiled, I saw it!”
“I didn’t.”
“No? Hmm...” without any warning, I started tickling his sides for all I was worth, catching him off guard.
“Have mercy!” he shouted, half laughing, “This is destroying my walrus face!”
“You don’t deserve any mercy, but if you feed me, I might take pity on you.”
“Whatever, just stop it, please...”
I poked him one last time in the ribs before stepping back to look at him with a wide grin on my face. He was lying stretched out on the couch in front of me, watching. His eyes seemed to be smiling, or at least I felt they were, and he looked again like a different person to the Alex I was used to.
Blinking a couple of times, I wondered what Beth might make of him if she saw him like this. She’d probably think the real Alex had been taken away and replaced with this new, improved version. As strange as it sounds, I felt I loved them both; the stubborn mule and the artful dodger.
“I saw this restaurant in the building across the street. We could go there for lunch
.” I suggested.
“I'm not sure that's a good idea.”
“Please.”
I put on a sad face and looked at him pleadingly, glad to see him slowly give in under the pressure.
“Please, just half an hour. I’ll go mouldy, stuck between these four walls.”
“You know, I think your hangdog
expression’s started to get to me.” he sighed deeply and got up from the couch.
Clapping my hands together in glee, I rushed to put on my new sneakers. Maybe so much enthusiasm over something so small was over the top, but given the current climate, it seemed I had to take every opportunity to breathe fresh air, in case my supply was eventually cut off for good.
My mood faltered a few minutes later, though, when Alex showed up in the hallway with a gun in his hand.
“Do you have to?” I asked, watching him fix it in place round the back of his jeans.
“Why ask when you know the answer?”
It was a bitter pill to swallow that lunch across the street felt like a clip from a Tarantino movie. I looked from Alex to the door he was now holding open for me, and moved through it.
We were sitting in the garden of the restaurant, some hug plants with luscious yellow flowers behind us, giving off an almost intoxicatingly sweet scent. We’d just finished our lunch and Alex was absently checking messages on his phone as I basked in a chair with my eyes closed, soaking up the sun’s warm rays as they filtered down through a loose canopy of leaves hanging above us from some trellis.
“You remind me of a housecat, all sleepy and lazy
.” I heard Alex's voice and slowly opened my eyes.
With his hands folded behind the back of his chair and his legs stretched out in front, he was watching me expectantly.
Not far from us, some elderly lady was passing along the sidewalk close to our table, walking a proud, white poodle. As she approached, her pace slowed and she took a double take at Alex. Her expression, as she studied him more closely, might best be described as shock, as she continued to look aghast at his palimpsest of tattoos and gravity-defying mohawk.
I was already so used to Alex’s
unconventional appearance that I’d forgotten how scary he could look to other people. Bringing my hand up to cover my mouth, I felt my lips spread into a smile, then motioned with my eyes for Alex to take a look behind him at the woman, who just went on staring.
I watched as he turned in her direction, summoned a crafty, seductive grin to his face and stood up. In a most theatrical performance, he bowed deeply to the befuddled woman, moving his arm gracefully in the process to mimic a gentleman removing his top hat.
“Ma'am.” he offered cordially and winked at her without a trace of shame.
It was hard to believe my own eyes, but the woman’s countenance changed completely. Her troubled expression gave way to something else as a shy smile flicked across her made up lips. Almost immediately, she turned and hurried away at a fast pace, yanking a very surprised little dog behind her that had been happily peeing against a car
tyre.
“I can’t believe you did that!” I buried my face in my hands and burst into laughter.
“I was only showing due respect to one of our older fellow citizens. I see that as my civic duty, being a responsible citizen and all…”
“You mean, besides the fact she almost had a heart attack?”
“You’re exaggerating…” he waved away the idea and flicked open his brass Zippo to light a cigarette.
I couldn’t quite tell whether Alex really was oblivious to the effect he had on women, or whether that was a pretense, but one thing was very clear
- when he wanted to turn on the charm, he could be totally irresistible.
“Alex...”
“Mhm?”
“
Is there anything you regret in your life?”
Noticeably snapping out of the lightened mood that had descended on
us, he stared at me silently, then turned his face to the street and the cars that were passing there.
“Whatever you do in life, Princess, it always comes down to the same thing in the end – repentance. To a greater or lesser extent, we all regret some of the things we’ve done. When it comes down to the wire, people always find a way of justifying their actions, or they chalk things down to experience, or they let their brains work some magic on that slippery thing called memory, and in the end they find a way to let themselves off the hook. It’s more difficult to forgive ourselves for the things we didn’t do in life, and when it comes to that, people end up fumbling around for excuses most of the time. When the time comes to settle our accounts, it’s those missed opportunities that are
gonna haunt you.”
A long silence followed, the only sounds coming from footfalls on the sidewalk and the occasional purr of an engine. Alex finally drank what was left in his coffee cup and set it down on the saucer with a clat
ter, then sat back in his chair, blowing a single, perfect smoke ring that hung in the air for a long moment before blending with the sky.
“But that's not the answer you wanted, is it?” he asked.
“Not really...”
“That’s because the question you asked isn’t the question you wanted to ask.”
He smiled, leaned across the table and took my hands in his, gently squeezing mine together.
“If you could turn back
time, would you maybe... go down some different road? Maybe stay on the right side of the tracks?” I asked quietly.
I lowered my eyes to look at the table top, feeling sure he’d spot desperation in my eyes if I kept looking at him. It must have been obvious, nonetheless, that it was an affirmative answer I was looking for.