Authors: Zoya Tessi
Of course, it was stupid of me to look for reassurance from him given the state he was in, but seeing him in that condition, I just didn't know how to react. Alex had become my idea of strength made flesh, untouchable, somebody who couldn’t be derailed by anything.
“Alex?”
It didn’t look like he’d registered my presence, so I took him by the arm and squeezed gently, hoping to get a reaction. Exhaling suddenly, Alex turned his head to me and looked into my eyes with such pain reflected in his own that I felt as though a blade were twisting in my belly.
“That’s Mike. Open the door.” he said just as a loud ringing from the doorbell echoed through the apartment.
I blinked a few times, jumped up and ran into the hall as fast as my legs would carry me. With shaking hands, it was only on the fourth attempt that I managed to unlock the door.
”Where is he?” Mike rushed in wildly, almost knocking me to the floor.
“In the bedroom.”
Short of breath and with beads of sweat visible on his forehead, Mike moved past me, venturing nothing in the way of conversation as he made his way directly to the bedroom. I was only two strides behind him, but still I found the bedroom door swung closed before I could reach it.
“
You moron! I told you this would happen! I told you, but you didn’t want to listen!” I heard Mike shouting from the other side of the door. “Consider yourself lucky I was in the neighborhood.”
“Cut the crap and open that bag of yours. I don’t know how much longer I can hold off on bringing the house down.”
“Oh... you’ll yell anyway. I can guarantee you that.”
There was a brief silence before I heard Mike
's voice again.
“So, this is going to hurt.”
“Fuck! Why’d you bring a needle that long? I'm not an ox, you know... “
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Listen up, I’ll get you for this and... Holy shit!” I heard Alex hissing.
“Quiet! It’s almost over.”
“Fuck you, you crazy motherfucker.”
“This is your own fault, you are aware of that, right
?“
“Back off and cut it out with the words of wisdom, Mike. If you keep on, I think I might punch you.”
“Don't you dare stand up from that bed!”
“I said... Back the fuck off!”
“You are insane! If you continue like this...”
“Move!”
The door in front of me opened so suddenly that I jumped back and could only stand in shock as Alex dragged himself over to the bathroom, limping badly.
“See Dr. Frankenstein to the door.” he tossed over his shoulder, slamming the bathroom door with such force that I winced.
“Will you explain to me what’s going on here?” I looked at Mike who was closing the rectangular black bag he’d brought with him, an irritated look on his face.
“He's a total idiot, that's what’s going on.”
“But
...”
“Look, I know he's stubborn and all, but please... try to bring him to his senses, since it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to listen to me. His leg’s in a bad shape, and if he doesn’t do the
sane thing soon then believe me, it’s a matter of days before he winds up in the ER.”
“
But... it was a month ago. Shouldn't the wound be healed by now? ” I felt my hands twitch nervously.
”The wound?
Which wound? Aw... I don’t mean that scratch. I meant his other leg.”
“The other one?”
I narrowed my eyebrows, trying to process the new information but still reeling.
“You’ve seen the scar on his right thigh, right
?“
“Yeah... but I thought it was an old injury...”
“Doesn’t matter. That bullet caused a lot of damage. So much that, after third surgery, they barely patched him up at all. To be honest, I don’t know he’s been coping with that much pain up till now, but even masochists like him have limits when it comes to endurance. If I hadn’t come today and given him a double dose of the strong stuff, and shot directly into the muscle, he wouldn’t have made it out of bed .” he shook his head, looking helpless despite his forceful words.
“Please, try to talk some sense into him.
He can’t wait until he passes out from the pain before he starts taking the medicine, OK?”
I nodded and took the glass vial he handed over.
“But I have to warn you, he won’t want to listen. Alex doesn't like to talk about it and he can be pretty hostile when it comes to advice.” Mike said as he started in the direction of the front door.
“I'll try, but I'm probably the l
ast person Alex would listen to.” I whispered.
Pausing at the door, Mike turned around and grimaced a little, then looked up at me with a strange expression on his face. It seemed like he wanted to say more, but was unsure.
“I wouldn’t really bet on that...” he spoke quickly, and a moment later he was gone.
Somewhat perplexed by Mike’s parting words, I swung the door shut behind him and turned my attention to the bathroom, from which I could hear the sound of running water. A vision of Alex, his features twisted in pain, kept surfacing in my mind and I promised myself I would do everything in my power to persuade him to follow Mike’s advice. I didn’t rate my chances highly, even at the outset.
The splashing of running water stopped, and was replaced by a low, growling noise and then the sound of something crashing to the floor, accompanied by a loud curse. I was reaching a hand out for the handle when the door sprung open. Steadying himself against the frame, Alex was looking at me with a dark expression in his eyes, like a wounded animal ready to lash out, and a feral one at that.
“Alex...” I began cautiously, but he put paid to my words immediately, threatening me with a pointed finger.
“I don’t want to hear anything right now.”
I watched as he slowly headed back to the bedroom, using one hand to support his bulk against the wall, and the other to rub at his right thigh. Once in the room, he flopped down on the bed heavily and brought a hand up to cover his eyes. After hesitating for a long moment, I walked over to stand at the foot of the bed.
“Mike said...”
“I don’t give a shit what Mike said.”
“But...”
“Get lost
.” he sighed, not looking over at me.
“Well… can’t I get you something?”
“Just get out, please.”
“I just...”
“I'm not dead yet!” he snapped and brought his fist down on the bedside table with a crack, “If I need anything, I’ll go and get it. I told you to leave me alone! You bloody deaf or what? ”
“Alright.
” I whispered and backed out of the room
I spent the whole morning moving from one part of the apartment to another, trying to find some chores to occupy my time if not my thoughts. When I was done with dusting all the shelves and twisting all the stray cobwebs around an old broom, I decided that Alex had been wallowing in self-pity for quite long enough, so carrying a fresh cup of coffee in one hand and a cold glass of grapefruit juice in the other, I moved quietly into the bedroom once again. He was still lying in the same position as before and it seemed like sleep might have found him, so I set the cup and the glass down as soundlessly as I could and climbed into bed next to him.
I’d long been fascinated by how calm, even serene he
looked while he was sleeping. Where was that mask he wore to keep people at bay, to help him stay aloof and keep the chip firmly planted on his shoulder? Whether it was my good fortune or not, I’d long since moved past those high walls he'd built around himself.
Placing the palm of my hand against his cheek, I felt the prickle of his two-day beard against my skin. Alex was far from perfect, but I didn’t feel the need to kid myself otherwise. I’d accepted him for what he was, and I didn't want to change him.
Having decided to let him sleep more, I started to move my hand away from his face, when his eyes flashed wide open. I watched as his pupils dilated and then contracted, slowly bringing my face into focus.
“I'm sorry...” he whispered after a moment, and reached out to squeeze my hand in his.
“It's all right.”
“No, it’s not.
” he breathed, “I just...I can’t stand it when someone looks at me with pity in their eyes. And especially not you.”
“Alex, don’t give me that. The only thing you can see in my eyes at the moment is a desire to knock some sense into you.”
“Well, that’s a better option then.” he smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Why don’t you stop acting like a jackass? Is it so difficult for you to take a few damned painkillers?” I shook my head helplessly.
“Those pills slow me down real bad, Princess. When I’m sluggish like that, I just can’t do my job well, that’s all.”
“And what if
…”
“There's no point in pressuring me. Trust me, this
ain't the first time this has happened.”
“And what do we do
the next time?”
“Then Mike will again honor us with his presence and his rounds of threats, deliver a fine draft of horse tranquilizer and peace will be restored to the valley once more.”
I flinched at the irony, but decided not to push the issue, since it was obvious nothing was going to change his mind. The guy was stubborn as a mule, and he’d already made up his mind.
The following week literally was the best week of my life.
Every night we’d slide under the quilt and gaze at one another in the dark, holding and caressing each other in what felt like perfect harmony.
After that, well... after that we would continue to ‘complicate’ our lives even more.
When I’d been with Tyler, he’d always initiated our rolling around under the covers, and back then I didn’t get excited about sex. To me, it seemed like all the books and movies were hyping it up, because I could find nothing too special in five minutes spent tossing around on the sheets before turning over to sleep. Since Tyler was the only guy I’d slept with, there hadn't been any other point of reference.
Things couldn’t have been more different with Alex. Words aren’t enough to express the lengths this guy could go to, only to carry me up to the heights of ecstasy, and I often found myself blushing as I remembered our acrobatics. But it was his tenderness that absorbed me most. It was not what anyone would expect from a guy like Alex and for the first time in my life I felt my heart to be full, and I was truly happy. However, neither of us dared broach the topic of the nature of our relationship. Occasionally, a palpable and excruciating fear struck my heart, that maybe for Alex this was sex and nothing more. Regardless of anything, I was completely and irrevocably in love with him.
I watched as Alex lay stretched out on his stomach, occupying almost the entire surface of the bed, and gently stroked a circle around the scar on his shoulder. Although I’d spent many hours exploring the complicated forms inked on his skin, the patterns still revealed new, unexpected forms, like the one I noticed on his shoulder blade.
Set amongst some stylized lettering in a language I didn’t recognize, and a set of flowing lines that revealed themselves as the tree of life, was an image of a blindfolded woman in a long, flowing robe, a set of scales suspended from one hand and a mighty sword held aloft in the other. I couldn’t help but wonder what might have led someone like Alex to get the symbol of Justice tattooed on his body.
I shook my head, feeling overcome by the irony of the situation. I’d spent so long trying to escape a life of fear, lies and murderous escapades, that the mission itself had become a career of sorts. Perversely, I’d fallen into the shadowy underworld deeper than I could ever have imagined, huddled against the man who might be a poster boy for that hellish world.
Covering the blindfolded face of Lady Justice with my hand, I wished I could say that I was
blind as well, and so let myself off the hook. Then, perhaps, I could forgive myself and pretend I’d stumbled into his arms naively. I could tell myself it was all his fault, that I hadn’t known what I was getting into or that he’d deceived me in some way. If I could blame the whole thing on him, maybe then I could let him go when the time came. The way things were, I had to accept the fate I’d chosen for myself, tied as I was to the mast of this burning ship, sailing into uncharted dark waters, my lips spread wide into a smile nevertheless.
The sun’s rays filtered through the glass panes to glint on tiny particles of dust hovering in the air between the bed and the window. I watched as some of the specks floated gently downward, impelled by gravity, until some dropped down around the twinkling, thick golden ring on my finger.
Since my drunken performance, there’d been no mention of our legal-illegal marriage farce, and that had to be resolved somehow. I felt my eyes becoming moist as tears started to gather, and looked towards Alex’s huge fist, which had come to rest near my head on the pillow. I knew very well why I’d let the skin swell against the ring to cause me pain when we’d argued, instead of removing the band carefully. I’d made up excuses and told myself that if I could have taken it off, I would have thrown it in his face, or out the window, or that I was keeping it only to pawn in an emergency. Lies, I know... What I didn’t understand, and didn't dare ask him about, was why he still wore his.