Perfectly Honest (17 page)

Chapter 30

Written in the Stars by Esmeralda Garnet

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Take care of work-related matters. Being practical and looking out for yourself should be your first priority. Don’t allow a partnership to come between you and your common sense. Don’t hesitate when change is required.

Mikaela sat sipping her coffee the next morning while she scanned the newspaper and read her horoscope. Put herself first. She rubbed her tired eyes. If she’d read that yesterday, she might not have been awake half the night worrying about what to do.

She needed to talk to Sam. Margo was right about that. Maybe she had been too hasty in questioning his motives and assuming the worst. She needed to talk to him, find out how it all happened and what it all meant to him.

But what troubled her more was Margo’s suggestion that she might be Elliotting Sam. Mikaela cringed. She hadn’t meant to. She was trying to find a balance between asserting her role as department head and fitting in with the rest of the hospital, keeping her options open for the future while trying to please the Department of Surgery, and dealing with how she felt about Sam while living a lie in a fake engagement. She didn’t want to lie anymore, or be lied to anymore. And she definitely didn’t want to use her job to hurt Sam.

Expanding the department and hiring another obstetrician were important goals. There was too much work for one doctor, and she didn’t want to be on call for high-risk deliveries twenty-four seven. She needed to share call or she would burn out. And then nobody would be happy, least of all her.

She could give the time to Sam. It could take six months or more to complete the hiring process, and in the meantime, Sam could operate. It was frustrating, though. She might never get the time back, or it would be an argument when she needed it. Sam wouldn’t be in the midst of it, but she would.

She got up and carried her coffee cup to the sink to rinse it.

She had two hours to look over all the information from Crispin, before she had to meet Margo and the gang for snowshoeing. Maybe a brilliant idea would come to her.

She took the file out of her briefcase, grabbed the mail piled on the counter, and sat down at her desk. She threw the flyers into the recycling bin and placed the bills in a pile. An envelope from Winmarket Regional Hospital made her pause.

A while back, she had sent a letter to Winmarket Regional. It was a smaller hospital with a decent-sized obstetrics department in a growing community. At the time, that’s what she wanted. She hadn’t heard back and had assumed the position had been filled.

Mikaela ripped open the letter.

Dear Dr. Finn,

We have reviewed your application for full-time associate staff in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Winmarket Regional Hospital. We would like to invite you for an interview. The position is effective July 1.

Winmarket Regional Hospital is situated in the middle of a vibrant community offering a diversity of cultural, recreational, and educational opportunities. We are proud of the excellence in healthcare provided to the growing community and catchment area of 200,000+.

Please contact us by January 7 to arrange an interview. We look forward to meeting with you.

Sincerely,

P. Reginald BA MSc MD FRCPS

She blew her hair out of her eyes. That was exactly what she needed. Six months ago. It would have been so easy. Compared to what she was dealing with now, the position at Winmarket was perfect.

Maybe this was the answer. Maybe this was the change she should make. Maybe this was the change that was meant to be. It wasn’t too late. She could start fresh and start honestly.

What about Sam?

They could ‘break up’ by July. They could tell people it didn’t work out. Sam could stay at Emerson and live in his house, and she could be far away where it wouldn’t hurt to see him every day. And she wouldn’t be caught in the middle of a problem that had the potential to hurt them both. Her heart would heal. Probably. Hopefully.

Her chest ached just thinking about it. Butterflies in her stomach churned and she felt lightheaded. It was a big scary change that wouldn’t include Sam. It would be exciting and healthy, Mikaela told herself sternly.

Why did it make her want to cry?

Mikaela glanced at the clock and realized she needed to get ready if she was going to meet Margo on time. The file sat unopened. She fleetingly thought of texting Margo to bow out, but Margo would just come and drag her along. Maybe the fresh air would clear her head and give her a fresh perspective. Either way, it couldn’t hurt.

Chapter 31

happenstance horoscope

ARIES (March 21-April 19) A change of direction may be beneficial. New challenges are part of emotional and physical growth. Don’t dwell on the past.

Oh, she was wrong about that. Muscles in her calves and thighs complained bitterly. Mikaela hoped she could walk tomorrow.

The temperature was perfect for a walk. Clean, fresh snow covered the ground, and the treetops glistened an iridescent white in the sunshine. They were walking up a steady incline on a path among evergreen trees.

She expected the snowshoes to look like wooden tennis rackets and was surprised to be handed sleek lightweight aluminum frames. She felt light as a feather walking over the deep snowbanks.

But oh, someone might have mentioned what a workout it was. She sweat through the first two layers she wore and hoped there was a little Palent technology magic working in the fabric
.
She was definitely going to feel it tomorrow. But the good news – she was distracted enough not to worry about the problems at work. For that alone, she was glad she came.

For all her effort, the group kept a leisurely pace and stopped after an hour and a half for a snack of nuts and dried fruit. They sipped bottles of water. Some stood, some sat on rocks cleared of snow, enjoying the quiet and the warm stream of sunshine through the canopy. No crickets, no frogs, no snapping twigs this time of year. Even the birds were quiet. A chickadee fluttered silently down and landed briefly on an outstretched hand holding seeds, and just as quietly darted off again to the trees, leaving a smile of pleasure on the bird feeder.

Margo sauntered over to Mikaela and smiled. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great. It’s a bit more than the ‘walk in the park’ you promised,” she said with a laugh. “But I’m loving it. This is a little oasis in the forest.”

“I know. It’s great company for the mind, exercise for the body, and this serene spot for the spirit.”

Laughter spilled over from a group as they put their snowshoes back on. “They seem like a really great bunch,” Mikaela said as she watched them.

“They are. Some of them have hiked all over the world and have stories that would curl your hair. And that’s just the teenagers.”

“I can’t keep up with the lead. And he looks like he’s my dad’s age.”

“Seventy-two. His wife is just as fit. She didn’t come today because their granddaughter had a baby, and she’s gone to visit. But the two of them are still active in the triathlon circuit. They do it for fun, they say. For fun.” Margo shook her head.

Mikaela laughed as she stood up, slipped her boot into the snowshoe and tightened it. “That’s what I keep telling myself. This is fun. This is fun.” She grinned over at Margo. “But I wouldn’t want to overdo it with the fun. You know, too much of a good thing and all that, so we are, ah, heading back soon, right?”

Margo laughed. “Yes. The path is a big loop, and this is about the halfway point.”

“Good. At the end of the day, when I’m home and feeling good about spending the day outside in the fresh air, proud of myself for pushing myself that extra mile . . . there’s caramel cheesecake waiting for me in my fridge.”

“More fun. Enough to share?”

“Of course. Is there any other way to eat cheesecake?”

“You’re a bad influence,” Margo pointed out as she tightened her second snowshoe. She gestured for Mikaela to go ahead and moved to join the group.

“You bought the cheesecake,” Mikaela said as she fell in line.

“I was just doing my part to prevent world hunger.”

“One small slice at a time. That’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“And I shall reward you with cheesecake. There’s leftover Indian, too.”

“Thank you. I will humbly accept.”

Later that night as Mikaela savored the last of the cheesecake from her plate, she blurted, “I got a letter from Winmarket Regional Hospital about a job offer.”

“What?” Margo stopped with her fork halfway to her mouth.

“Winmarket is looking for an ob-gyn. I applied a while ago and had forgotten about it, but I got a letter in the mail inviting me for an interview.”

“Really?”

Mikaela nodded. “I opened it this morning. The job would start the first of July.”

Margo sat back in her chair. “What about Emerson?” What about Sam? she thought, but didn’t say it out loud.

“I would give them notice, and since I’ve already started the process to hire someone, they’ll have an obstetrician.”

Mikaela leaned forward. “I just think it would be best. I can’t go on with this fake engagement forever. We said a year and July first will almost be a year. Sam’s established and can carry on. After we end the engagement, I can’t stay and risk seeing him every day. I just couldn’t do it. And I don’t think I’m cut out to be the department head. Look what’s happening. If I do what’s best for the department, I hurt Sam. If I do what’s best for Sam, I hurt the department. I can’t do this. At least, not at the same hospital as Sam. I could start fresh without the lies.”

“Wow. That’s a big change. Is it really what you want?”

“What I really want doesn’t seem possible.”

Margo handed Mikaela a tissue and reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. “Hey, don’t cry.”

“Sorry,” Mikaela apologized. She wiped her eyes and straightened her shoulders. “Yes, this is what I want. You know me. Big scary change is what I crave,” she smiled through watery eyes.

Margo chuckled quietly. “Yup, you to a tee,” she smiled sympathetically.

“Winmarket is only about an hour away from here so we’d still see each other.”

“I’m counting on it,” Margo agreed. “When do you have to let them know?”

“Early January, so I have a couple of weeks.”

Margo nodded silently. A lot could happen in a couple of weeks. “And Christmas in the meantime. Do you have time off?”

“I’m working the
twenty-fourth then taking off between the twenty-fifth and the twenty-ninth.”

“Nice. Are you visiting your folks?”

“Yes, I’ll head there for dinner on the twenty-fifth for a couple of days. I’ll see how it goes. Maybe longer.”

“They’ll like that,” Margo said.

“Yeah. You’re welcome to come, you know. They always love to see you.”

“Thanks, I know. Trace has time off and we’ll spend time with his family and my mom. I hope to have some time alone with him, too.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Mikaela smiled. “Hiking? Snowshoeing?”

“Of course. I’m all about the physical activity.”

“Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the après-snowshoeing activity,” Mikaela agreed.

“It was a good day. Tomorrow I’m back at work. Are you staying here or heading back to Emerson?”

“I’ll probably go back tomorrow afternoon.”

Margo nodded and covered a yawn. “Well, I should head home and get some sleep. I’m glad you came today.”

“Me, too. Thanks for dragging me along.”

Mikaela stood and followed Margo to the front door. Margo slipped her coat on and Mikaela caught her in a close hug.

“Keep me posted,” Margo said.

“I will.”

“And talk to Sam.”

Mikaela sighed. “I will.”

Chapter 32

Zodiac Zach
—
Don’t leave home without him.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Persevere and the challenge will be within your reach. Dialogue is important but actions speak louder than words. Do your own thing to ensure your happiness and satisfaction.

The next morning Mikaela sat at her kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee at her elbow, flipping through the operating room files and making notes on her computer. She took another sip of coffee and tried to see this from Sam’s perspective.

If you just looked at the statistics, laid out in black and white, the allotment of time did look unfair. However, there was no mention of hers being a new department or one with the potential to grow in the next year. Nor were there any remarks about her utilization being one hundred percent. She noted that the Ear, Nose and Throat specialists gave up operating time and worse, released it too late to be used. She played with the numbers, considered the options, and wondered if there was a compromise that would work. Mikaela tapped a pencil rhythmically on the table and chewed her lip as she studied it. Finally, she shoved her pencil absentmindedly behind her ear and hunched over her computer.

If she gave up 2.3 units and the ENT specialists gave up 1.7, which was their average underutilization, ophthalmology could gain a full day. That would still leave 5.7 for her department, which she felt she could use now and share later with a new obstetrician. If she left in July, it was plenty of operating time for the new obstetrician, with enough wiggle room if they wanted to entice a partner to the hospital. It seemed fair. Mikaela tried to look at it objectively. ENT would have to agree to the plan, but looking at the numbers, it wouldn’t change the essence of what they were using now. Maybe the numbers alone didn’t tell the whole story, but she hoped it would work.

She typed it up, explained her reasoning, included the statistics, and fancied up the language. Content that she had created a strong argument for a compromise, she saved it and shut down her computer.

Mikaela stood and stretched, rolled her neck, and grimaced at the stiffness in her thigh and calf muscles.

She wanted a swim.

She needed to talk with Sam. Butterflies churned in her stomach. Nerves? Hunger? Mikaela wasn’t sure, but it was one o’clock, and she hadn’t eaten lunch, so she could start with that.

She ate a quick sandwich and tidied the condo, ready to leave. She packed her overnight case and briefcase and locked the door behind her.

It was a cloudy day, but the roads were clear for her drive back. Sunday drivers slowed traffic on one stretch of highway through the country. A car in front of her had customized license plates that read RYLFLUSH. Royal Flush, she thought. What’s the story behind that? Did they own a bath store specializing in toilets? Buy their car from poker money? Menopausal hot flashes? Maybe it was better not to know, she chuckled.

Mikaela pulled up beside Sam’s car in the driveway, her hope that he wasn’t going to be home just yet, dashed. Gathering her belongings, she went to the front door and let herself in.

Sam heard the front door close. She came back. A wave of relief coursed through him. Don’t blow it this time, he told himself sternly.

He stood back and studied the Scotch pine tree that towered above him. It hadn’t seemed that tall when he cut it down the day before. He bent down and adjusted the stand.

“Oh, that looks lovely! What a great tree! And the smell of fresh pine is wonderful,” Mikaela said as she walked into the room.

Sam looked over and smiled. “Thanks. My mom sent some Christmas decorations, so I thought I’d better get a tree. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to help choose it, but I figured we could decorate it together.”

Mikaela flushed with pleasure. “I’d love to help. Did you get any lights?”

Sam nodded at a bag on the sofa. “In there. I’m just about done if you want to open them.”

Mikaela pulled out three packages of multicolored lights.

“I hope you’re not a white light kinda person.”

“Not at all.” Mikaela ripped open the packaging and unwound the string of lights. She plugged them in to check they worked and laid them out over the sofa ready to go on the tree.

Sam wandered into the kitchen and pressed a remote. The cheerful notes of a Christmas song filled the room. “Would you like a drink? Wine or eggnog?” he asked from the kitchen.

“Eggnog, please,” Mikaela answered.

Sam walked over and handed her a glass. “Cheers,” he said as he clinked his glass against hers.

“Cheers.” Mikaela smiled and sipped her drink. “Mmmm . . . delicious,” she said. “I can taste the rum.”

Sam eyed the lights. “Think there’ll be enough? I wasn’t sure how many we’d need.”

“Two hundred lights per string. Looks like a lot.” She grinned. She set down her glass and picked up the first string, weaving them into the depth of the tree in different layers. Sam followed, handing her the lights and keeping them from getting tangled. When the last of the string was nestled in the branches, they plugged it in and stood back to admire it.

“There are a lot of lights,” Mikaela said.

Sam laughed. “It looks great though.”

“I love it. Where are the decorations?”

Sam handed her a box, brushing his hand against hers. Mikaela lifted the lid and looked inside. The box was filled with crystal stars, little beaded elves, and glass Santas holding an array of colorful presents. And of course, a little Aries ram with a Santa hat and a scorpion with lights.

“These are adorable.” She carefully lifted each one out, fastened a hook, and handed them to Sam to hang.

When the box was empty, Sam picked up his drink and sat down on the sofa and eyed the tree. “Needs tinsel,” he observed.

Mikaela sat beside him on the sofa and groaned. “No. No tinsel. It’ll ruin it.”

“What? You gotta have tinsel. It makes it all sparkly.”

“There are six hundred lights. There’s plenty of sparkle.”

“Obviously you’re an amateur tree decorator. All the pros add tinsel.”

Mikaela laughed. “I haven’t decorated a tree in years. I was either working or visiting my parents, and their tree was always decorated by the time I arrived. I love it.” She sipped her eggnog. “Speaking of my parents, my mom was asking if we could visit over the holiday.”

“Sure, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Sam kept his tone even and worked at being nonchalant. Mikaela hadn’t mentioned introducing him to her parents in all the time they’d been together. Normally a ‘meet my parents’ request was his sign to dodge. He couldn’t run fast enough or far enough away. But with a tug of anxiety, he realized this time was different. He wanted a life together and a real engagement. He had no idea what she wanted, but meeting her parents was a step in the right direction. “I have the week around Christmas off.”

“Maybe we could go there for dinner on Christmas day and stay for a couple of days?”

Sam nodded. “That would work.” He sipped his eggnog. They needed to talk about Friday. He didn’t like it, didn’t want to rock the boat, but it had to be said. Just rip the Band-Aid off, he told himself. “Look, about Friday . . . I didn’t mean to cause a problem with your job when I requested more OR time. Or with us. If I don’t make any noise, nothing ever changes. I thought I needed to start making waves early, but I certainly didn’t expect it to create the ripple effect it did. I’m really sorry it affected you.”

Mikaela looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did on Friday. I was frustrated and tired, but I shouldn’t have blamed you.”

“Why did you?”

Mikaela sighed. “They told me ophthalmology was taking my time. I knew you were asking for more, so I figured you were using your connection with me to get it.”

“And that made you mad?”

Mikaela tried to explain. “I was more sad than mad. Sad that you didn’t talk to me about it. Sad that my position was being undermined. Sad that the committee didn’t even involve me in the discussion.”

“I didn’t know it would involve you.”

“I know. I know that now. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve heard nothing but positive things about the job you’re doing. I don’t think anyone would question your commitment or your authority.”

“Thanks.” Mikaela looked at him. “But frankly, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job. I like the clinical work,” she said quickly. “But the administrative stuff . . .” She shrugged.

“Really? I think you’re great at it. It takes a lot of patience and skill to make everyone feel like they’re heard and their opinions matter. And you’ve done that. You’ve weathered a lot of change in the past three months. I’ve heard you listen to nursing staff, patients, admin, everyone, and come up with creative solutions that work. It’s a gift.”

Tears welled in Mikaela’s eyes. Sam smiled gently and pulled Mikaela close.

Mikaela closed her eyes and then moved restlessly. “Winmarket is looking for an obstetrician, and they’ve invited me for an interview.”

“Winmarket?”

She nodded. “I applied when I finished my residency and forgot about it. But a few days ago, I received a letter from them.”

“You’ve got a job here.”

“I know. But this would be a clinical position. I wouldn’t have to be the department head.”

“Really? And you’d want that?” he asked. “Are there any openings for ophthalmology?”

“Ophthalmology? I don’t know. Why?”

“For me.”

“For you?”

She sounded so surprised. Sam paused. “This is just for you,” he said finally.

“Well, I thought it would give us a fresh start. You could stay here. We wouldn’t have to pretend we’re engaged and live in a pack of lies.”

Sam pulled his arm away. “I see. So you would just leave.”

“Well, the position starts in July. By then we were going to break up anyway, right?”

“Right,” Sam said slowly.

“This way I could leave, and you could stay. Live here. You’ll be settled into the hospital.”

“Right.”

“I could start a new job in a new hospital without all this deception.”

Sam was silent. “Sounds like you’ve thought this through.”

“Some. I spent this weekend writing the proposal to adjust the OR time. I realized I’m not cut out for this. I can’t be cutthroat and aggressive and demanding. It’s just not me. But I can’t sit back and do nothing.” She sighed. “It takes too much energy trying to fit in between.”

“Maybe that’s the point,” Sam said quietly. “Maybe you should just be yourself. You don’t have to be aggressive, but you don’t have to be passive either. Just be you. Seems to have worked pretty well for the past three months.”

“I haven’t had any major problems to deal with though.”

Sam shrugged. “Designing and implementing a new suite, working with hospital administrators, contractors and architects all while keeping the nursing staff, patients and other docs happy. Seems like a tall order to me.” Sam glanced at Mikaela’s unhappy face. He leaned his head back. “But what the hell do I know? I left the General because I couldn’t stand all the extra administrative crap.” He took a swig of his drink. “You should do what makes you happy.” Disappointment coursed through Sam as Mikaela sat silently. “Well, sounds like that’s the plan. We continue this charade for another six months, then you bail,” he said, trying to keep the anger and frustration out of his voice.

Mikaela started to argue, but stopped.

“Fine. I’m going for a swim.” Sam got up, banged his empty glass down on the counter in the kitchen, and strode out of the room.

Sam cut threw the water angrily. That went well, he thought sarcastically. Great
discussion.
He couldn’t believe that while he plotted to make the engagement real, she was plotting out how to end it and move away. Great. Now he knew how she felt. What a fiasco. At least he kept his mouth shut and didn’t make a fool of himself. Sam cut through the water, flipped at the wall, and pushed off with a powerful kick. He didn’t want her to take another job. He didn’t want her to move out. He wanted her to love him like he loved her. Pain seared his chest. He pounded the water until his arms ached and his breath caught. So now what? He has to pretend he’s fine with the whole stupid plan? Every day, he has to sit with her and be happy for her? Live out this fake engagement knowing that in the end, she’s leaving? It was going to be a long six months.

Mikaela sat quietly, blinking away tears. Guilt clawed at her. She could have made him happy, she felt like screaming. She had the chance to make his life easier, to make his job better, but did she? No, she put her job first. What did that say about her? About them? It’s for the best, she told herself as her eyes filled. She focused on the Christmas tree, the pretty lights, and the sparkle of the ornaments. She wanted to curl up beside Sam and start Christmas traditions together. Staring at the tree just made her sadder. Mikaela got up restlessly. She picked up her bag in the front hall. As she walked through the kitchen and past the exercise room, she saw Sam swimming lengths in the pool. She watched him cut gracefully through the water with powerful strokes, his skin gleaming in the low lights. Oh Sam, she thought, I’m so sorry. She turned away and made her way down the hall. She hesitated outside the guest room. Guest room? Master bedroom? She walked into the guest room and dumped her bags on the floor. It was going to be a long six months.