Picturing Perfect (20 page)

I hung up the phone and walked, almost in a daze, to the living room. Removing one of his books off the shelf, I retreated back to my bedroom. I pulled the covers up, basking in the chilly air conditioning. I spent the rest of the afternoon with Madeline Kramer, Jason's book heroine. I got lost in her world, lost in the world that was his imagination. And with each page, I fell deeper and deeper in love with the man who had my heart since I was eight years old.

I've been fighting myself for months and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be with you, Jase. If you still want me.

Holy shit.

She wants me.

She wants to be with me.

I was getting another chance with her. But, as much as I wanted to drive to her apartment, bang on the door and kiss her hard once she answered, we had to do this the right way. She'd never been more vulnerable than she was at this point in time. I couldn't take advantage of that. I refused to screw things up. She meant way too much to me and I'd wanted her far too long to mess things up now.

I had no idea how I was going to get back to my writing. I put my phone back on the table of Beans. This had become my favorite writing spot for several reasons. Their French Roast was the best in town, but it was more than that. This is where I saw her last fall. This is where things started for us. And so, every morning when I set off to write, I found myself at Beans. Every. Single. Time.

I stared at the screen but was jumping out of my skin. I had to call someone.

Kate answered on the second ring. "What's up, t-shirt guy?"

"She wants me. I thought she didn't, but she does." I'm sure I sounded like a crazed lunatic. I could practically hear her rolling her eyes at me on the other end of the line.

"Hadley?"

"Yeah."

"Oh thank God. After the photo shoot, I was freaking out. I thought I did or said something wrong."

"I think she just felt guilty…and weird."

"It's not a traditional situation, but that's okay. I knew she was into you...even after just a couple of hours. It was obvious."

Her words struck such a chord with me. I loved that Haddie's feelings for me were obvious…but it also helped me understand why she pushed me away so suddenly. Kate picked up on it and it freaked her out. She was just trying to do the right thing…the honorable thing.

"Her hormones are all over the place. Be careful with her," Kate's voice was soft, but confident. Insistent.

"What do you mean?"

"Pregnant women are moody messes. You're a sweet guy, Jase. Just be gentle with her. Let her bitch you out if she needs to, or change her mind a million times in an hour. Just be there for her."

"I got it," I said, waiting for her to confess a pregnancy of her own. She seemed to know an awful lot about the experience. She didn't say anything, though, so I assumed she'd just had a lot of experience with other women in her life.

After discussing Hadley, Kate told me all about an upcoming photo shoot for a big time television cast that was filming in Chicago. She was getting a four-page spread, which was such an accomplishment for someone so young. I was excited for her.

Kate was an artist like me, and she understood me in a way that others hadn't during my years as a struggling writer. It felt good to have a friend who comprehended the highs and lows of putting yourself out there artistically. My novels were an extension of myself, just as photos were an extension of Kate. We weren't typical nine to fivers, and in some ways, I think that messed with our heads. But, it also provided us with so many feelings of accomplishment when people loved and appreciated our work. I was happy to have her in my life.

Auden was acting weird.

She picked me up to have tea with her mom at The Drake Hotel downtown. I felt sort of foolish dressed up like this to sit in a stuffy hotel restaurant drinking tea and eating delicate, crumbly cookies while we discussed baby names and Diaper Genies. Secretly, I was lucky to have such support and enthusiasm from Mrs. Kelly. My mom was trying…she really was. But, she was focused more on the practical side of things rather than the excitement.

Sometimes it was nice to be surrounded by excitement and enthusiasm. I was so scared all the time…afraid I'd be terrible at motherhood. Afraid I'd drop the baby, forget to feed the baby, forget to change the baby, run out of diapers right in the middle of the night, not be able to nurse properly…the list went on and on. But, when I was with Auden and her mom, I was able to forget those fears, if only for a little while. I got to think about the special moments that Mrs. Kelly told me about…the first time he'd smile, laugh and say a word. I couldn't wait for those moments. I couldn't wait to
live for
those moments.

"Tell me again…why The Drake?"

"You forgot, didn't you?" Auden said with a crooked smile.

"I guess so," I said, my brow wrinkled in confusion. I had no idea what she was talking about.

"When we were in, like, fourth grade, my mom took us there."

"Yeah, I know…" I tipped my head, waiting for the significance of it all.

"The entire time we were there, you went on and on and on about how beautiful it was. How much you wanted to come back again and again."

"I remember going. I remember it being pretty."

"You were in awe. Seriously. So, Mom wanted to take you back there."

"It's been a while," I said with a nod.

I was nine years old in fourth grade. And, newly 23, I was going to be a mother. It was terrifying. Things were so easy when I was nine. Sometimes, I wished I could go back to the simplicities of childhood.

"Put a smile on your face or Mom's feelings will be hurt. This means a lot to her." Auden was suddenly serious.

"Of course," I said, trying to reassure her. I would never want to upset Mrs. Kelly. She'd always welcomed me into her family with open arms.

After parking the car, we made our way into the lobby of the hotel. Instantly, I was taken back, dazzled by this elaborate and gorgeous hotel. Glistening chandeliers adorned the tray ceiling. Marble tabletops with dazzling bouquets of flowers were spread throughout the lobby. The blue and gold signature carpet brought a smile to my face. I was distracted, though, by a familiar face, walking quickly away from us. I stopped dead in my tracks and peered at Auden. Suddenly, I knew why I was there.

"Why is my co-worker, Ellie, here?"

"Shit." Her nose wrinkled. "
Pretend
to be surprised, okay? Our moms worked really hard on this."

"Is this my baby shower?" My heart fluttered. Why hadn't I figured that out? Tea at The Drake really did seem like an odd way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

"Yes and you
have to
act surprised. They'll be heartbroken…" Auden's words trailed off as she searched the lobby for a sign of our mothers.

"The coast is clear. Let's go. I'll be fine."

"All right," Auden said. "Let's do this."

Shaking my head, I followed Auden to the room and instantly, I was nine years old again. Memories of sipping tea had a whole new meaning once I was inside the room…once I took in the sights and smells of the beautiful room with fancy table linens, harp music and bouquets and bouquets of fresh cut flowers.

The first face I saw was Ellie's. Her bright red cheeks stood out in the crowd. Giving her an unsuspecting warm smile, I turned my attention to the hostesses of this event. My mom and Mrs. Kelly were standing, their arms linked, and ready to greet me at the door to the private room.

"Surprise," my mom said, looking apprehensive. Did she think this would be too much for me? She was trying to get to know me again and didn't always know how I'd react. But, Mrs. Kelly was glowing as she set her kind eyes on me. She could tell that I was taking it all in…the sights, the smells, the experience of it all.

"You did this for me?" I asked, looking back and forth between the two women. They both nodded. I hugged my mom first and she grasped me tight.

"Is this okay?"

"It's beyond my wildest dreams, Mom.
Thank you
." Her grip tightened as I said those words, and I pressed my eyelids closed as tight as possible to prevent tears from spilling. The combination of hormones and emotions were bubbling to the surface. As we pulled away from our embrace, my mom's eyes shone with moisture. Every little sign of emotion was a sign of improvement. And I'd take them as much as I could get them. Especially today.

Mrs. Kelly hugged me tight and whispered into my ear, "You deserve this, sweetheart."

"Thank you," I said, as she lightly patted me on the back.

"Come, sit," Auden said, taking my hand and leading me to a table.

"I want to say hello to everyone first," I insisted.

Looking around, I saw so many friends and family members. Aunts, cousins, and co-workers from Sunnyside. College friends, high school friends and two very special friends, Violet and Lucy. When I spied them sitting at their table, I almost jumped up and down. I was so happy to have them there.

"Hey girlies," I said, sitting down next to Lucy who leaned over to hug me and rub my belly gently.

"Surprise," Violet said. "We didn't spoil it. Aren't you proud?"

"I'm always proud of you," I said, running my hand across Violet's cheek. She leaned into my touch and closed her eyes briefly.

"This was Ellie's idea, huh?" I asked my clients as Ellie approached us.

"Yep. She picked me up at my house," Violet responded.

"Me too," Lucy said, twirling her hair in her fingers.

"Well, I'm so happy you're here."

Two hours later, we'd had tea, tiny sandwiches and a gorgeous baby shower cake that looked just like large blue alphabet blocks. It was so pretty I actually felt bad eating it. But, considering how much this baby enjoyed sugar, I was happy to indulge in a piece…okay, two pieces of delicious buttercream decadence.

Auden announced it was time to open the gifts. I had almost forgotten about that part! I'd been so wrapped up in catching up with everyone over delicious food, the reason for the event had practically escaped me.

Gift after gift was unwrapped and celebrated. Baby blankets, bibs, a high chair, and a car seat. I felt so lucky and so loved. When I reached the end of the pile, there was a simple basket and I knew who it was from. Inside the basket was a selection of children's books…some of my all-time favorites. The Wizard of Oz, The Velveteen Rabbit, and Richard Scarry's
Best Storybook Ever
.