Picturing Perfect (23 page)

"You got it," he said, threading his fingers through my hair. After several attempts to braid it, he turned to my mom.

"Allison, would you help me with this?"

Mom smiled, chuckled to herself and walked to the other side of the bed, carefully braiding my hair and tying it with a small elastic. Instantly I was transported back to the facility where she stayed for several months of our lives. Everything had changed so much since then. And for the first time, I realized I wouldn't change a thing. Not a single thing.

"Okay, when I say go, you need to start pushing. We'll count to ten and then you can rest."

Those words, said with such delicate grace and ease were enough to send me into a tailspin. All of a sudden, I was completely and utterly terrified. The pain in my belly was gone, but I could still feel the pressure of Marty making his way into my lower abdomen. My breathing turned ragged and sweat collected on my forehead.

"It's going to be fine, honey," my mom said. But, her voice didn't reassure me like I wished it would.

Jason quickly took my hand, squeezed it and brought it to his lips, kissing my skin gently.

"I'm right here. Let's do this together. You're so strong, Haddie. Stronger than anyone I've ever known. You can do this." He nodded at me as I whimpered. Those words, that nod—that's what I needed. Encouraging words from the man I loved.

I looked to Dr. Myers. "I'm ready."

"Okay, ready…go!"

I pushed down into my abdomen, with every ounce of strength within me. The lower half of my body was almost completely numb, but I could feel the exertion with every second they counted. I honestly didn't know if I was strong enough to make it to ten, but I kept pushing for as long as I could.

"Ten," the nurse said. I exhaled harshly and fell back in the bed. Jason wiped my forehead with a cold cloth and then kissed me softly. The warmth from his lips mixed with the cold left behind by the washcloth. It soothed me as I breathed in and out, preparing for the next push.

In what felt like hours later, the nurse counted to ten again. I collapsed back onto the bed for the sixth time. I was exhausted as sweat poured from my face, my neck, and my arms.

"Listen to me, Hadley. The baby is crowning. This is it. He's almost here. I know you're exhausted, but I need you to give me all the strength you have. Are you ready?"

I looked to Jason. His cheeks were red, his brow was damp and he was clutching my hand just as hard as I was clutching his. He pushed a few stray pieces of hair from my face, wiped me with a washcloth and nodded. I looked to my mom, and she repeated his actions. Pushing my hair behind my ears, wiping with the cloth and nodding. I felt strong. I felt ready. And damn it, I wanted to meet my son.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

"C'mon, Hadley, don't give up on me."

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

"Here he is," Dr. Myers said as a primal grunt escaped my lips. My mom squealed, and I felt Jason's lips pressing to my forehead again and again.

"You did it," he said. "You did it."

Tears plummeted from my eyes as I heard the baby screaming bloody murder. Horrified that something was wrong, I looked to my mom in sheer panic. She just smiled as her eyes began to water.

"Totally normal," she said.

The nurse cleaned my son off, bundled him up and brought him to me. She placed him on my chest and he went silent, his eyes tightly shut. He was the most beautiful sight I could have ever imagined. His face was red and smooshed and kind of goopy at the eyes, but he was perfect. Insanely perfect. And he was all mine. His tiny fingers reached out from under the cotton blanket and I offered him my index finger. He grasped it, and the tiny movement made me gasp aloud.

"Oh my god," I said, looking to my right. Jason had tears streaming down his face. He looked at me with so much pride and so much care. It was overwhelming. And for a moment, I felt like we were a family. A real family.

"He's beautiful," Jason said, as he sniffed. He wiped his tears from his cheek and placed a hand on the outside of the baby's blanket. "As beautiful as his mom."

"Thank you for being here," I said through burning tears.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment, Haddie. Nowhere."

"Would you like to hold him?" I asked, my eyes pleading. Hoping and praying he'd say yes.

"Are you kidding?" he said, grinning like a kid. "Of course. Let me wash my hands first. The books say it's the right thing to do." He jogged to the bathroom, washed his hands and returned to my side.

Carefully, I placed the baby in his arms. He gazed down at my son with admiration and joy. Just the way a father would look at his own child.

"What's his name?" Jason asked, looking to me again.

"Martin Whitman Foster," I said with a smile, knowing Jason would never expect the baby to bear his name in any way. But, it was a gift that I wanted to give to him and my child.

His mouth opened in shock. He looked honored and overwhelmed and an entire batch of emotions that I wasn't even able to comprehend. But, all of them were good.

"Are…are you sure?" he asked, his eyes welling up slightly, his nose getting red.

"Absolutely." I smiled, looking back down at my beautiful boy.

The knock at the door didn't startle me at all. I felt awful that no one had given Auden an update. She was standing at the door, but instead of looking happy for me, she looked sad, concerned, puzzled.

"Come and meet Marty," I said with a smile.

"Had, um…Tucker's here."

"What?" I screeched, unable to process what she'd just said. "I don't want him here."

"Honey," my mom said, "he's the father."

Guilt plagued her face as soon as she said the words. She looked to Jason with an apologetic glance and he froze. For the last few hours, we'd been able to deny the elephant in the room. But now, the father of the baby was here and he wanted to meet his son. And no matter what I wanted, I had to allow it.

"I'm going to step out for a little bit. Give you two a chance to…" Jason's voice trailed off as he looked down at the baby. Gently, he kissed Martin on the forehead and placed him in my arms.

"Please don't go," I begged, my voice trembling. I wanted him there with me. I
needed
him there.

"I can't be here. It'll be too awkward. But, I won't leave the hospital, I promise. Okay?" he asked, smoothing my hair down. I took his hand in mine and kissed his palm, releasing him from me as my heart began to thud in my chest. I felt nothing for the man who was about to enter the room and absolutely everything for the one who was leaving it.

Tucker stood in the doorway. Jason walked to where he stood and extended his arm out to Tucker. Tucker was hesitant, but shook Jason's hand.

"Congratulations, man," Jason said before looking back at us one more time. He left the room, looking conflicted as he walked into the quiet hallway. Tucker didn't move. He just stood by the entrance of the room, his hands in his pockets.

"Can I come in?" he asked. His voice was husky and deep, with no trace of emotion whatsoever. It made me ill.

"Yeah," I said, looking down at our son. When Tucker stood next to me, it felt awkward and strained. Not at all like a family. I felt betrayed that someone called him, even though he had every right to be there. I felt utterly lost.

"I'm going to give you two a minute, as well," my mom said, preparing to leave the room.

"Wait," I said, my eyes wide and desperate. I didn't want to be alone with Tucker. Not anymore.

"I'll be right outside the door. Just call out if you need me." She kissed me on the forehead, touched the baby gently and walked out of the room.

"How did you know? You haven't spoken to me in months."

"Your mom called me. She thought I should know." No wonder she acted guilty and not at all surprised when he arrived.

Tucker and I sat in silence for several minutes. He watched the baby sleep, not asking to hold or touch him.

"Don't you want to know his name?" I asked, finally, after waiting for him to inquire on his own.

"Oh, god," he said, scratching his head, "Um, yeah. Does he have one?"

"Yes, he's Martin. But, I'm calling him Marty."

"After your dad. That's great."

In that very moment, I realized that I hadn't yet confronted Tucker about the post-it notes and the realization that I had about his supposed gifts three years ago.

"I know they were never from you," I said through my teeth.

"What?"

"When my dad was sick. All those gifts. It wasn't you. None of them were."

He opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated.

"You never thought that would catch up to you, did you? Why the hell did you do that, Tucker?"

"I don't know—you were always so happy when they arrived. Whenever you called, I didn't want to spoil it. I knew I should probably tell you, but you were happy. I didn't wanna take that away."

"Or have someone else get the credit."

"Maybe, I don't know. It was a long time ago. Can we just focus on the kid?"

"I've done nothing but
focus on the kid
for months. Where have
you
been?"

I knew I shouldn't be raising my voice around my newborn son. But, I was at my wit's end. I'd just given birth to a human being and I was feeling pretty invincible. Tucker had put me through way too much to receive a carefree welcome. I was angry and I wanted answers. I deserved them and so did our child. When Tucker said nothing, I raised my voice.

"I said, where have you been, Tucker?" I asked, glowering at him.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm an asshole? Fine, I'm an asshole. I still have a right to be here, to meet my kid."

"Okay fine. Then what?" I asked. Glaring into his lifeless brown eyes, I knew the answer to my question. And so did he, even if he didn't have the guts to say it out loud. I wish I could've said that I wasn't disappointed in him. But, that would be a total lie. I'd known him for years and expected more. Instead of feeling cloaked and protected with love, I felt nothing but disdain and disappointment for Tucker. I could only hope, for Marty's sake, that one day he'd prove me wrong. Until then, my guard was up. And that's how things had to be.

I had never held a brand new baby before. I'd never felt the adrenaline of watching a new life enter the world. Was that all this feeling was? Because it felt like I'd fallen in love with that eight pound little man. It felt like my world shifted for the better the moment I held him in my arms. And now…now I was sitting outside Hadley's room in an uncomfortable wooden chair in the waiting room, feeling like the walls were starting to close in on me.

Why is he here?

All of a sudden, without any sign or warning, Tucker decided to be a part of all of this? It didn't make any sense to me. He didn't want Marty. I knew that in my gut. So, why would he want to ruin things for Hadley? How selfish could someone
be
?

Auden rubbed my back as I sat with my head in my hands. My thoughts were racing through my head. I was completely and utterly head over heels in love with Haddie. I wanted her. And I wanted that baby. I wanted both of them for myself. And maybe that was the problem. Maybe
I was
the problem.

Hadley hadn't mentioned Tucker in months. I got used to being the man in her life. I got used to being the one who supported her, who held her hand when she was afraid. Hell, she wanted me in the delivery room. But, by replacing him with me, maybe she was just avoiding what had to eventually work itself out. Tucker was Marty's father. Not me.

A shot of adrenaline rushed through my veins and I popped out of my seat, pacing the floor. I couldn't keep up with my own thoughts, my own feelings. They zigzagged through my head and left me grasping for breath. It sucked. I wanted to stake my claim, beat the shit out of Tucker and kick his ass out of the hospital. I wanted to tell Haddie how I felt, ask her to be mine, and adopt that little man.

But, then I realized that was all a fantasy. He wasn't mine. Haddie and I had never even been on a real date. Maybe I was just a distraction for her when things were out of control. Maybe she didn't have feelings for me at all. Maybe I was just kidding myself.

"Stop it," Auden said. Her voice was sharp, piercing my ears. I snapped my head towards her with a scowl on my face that felt permanent. I was beyond pissed. I wanted nothing more than to punch something. Hard.

"What?" I growled.

"Pacing, stomping around, acting like an alpha male," she said, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her eyebrow cocked. Was she enjoying my misery?

"Shut up, Auden," I said, shaking my head, looking away, pacing the floor again.

"I mean it, Whitman, knock it off. In a few minutes, Tucker will go and Hadley's going to need you."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Certain," Auden said with a sharp nod. "He doesn't love her. And he definitely doesn't want to be a father. The question is…do you?"

"I…I don't know."