Authors: Hannah Downing
“Except the house?”
He nodded, and I chewed on my lip.
“Why have you kept it so long?”
Cameron jerked his head up, surprised. “You can’t tell?”
“Because of me?” I asked, hoping I was wrong.
His eyes filled with sorrow, and he nodded again. “I’m sorry,” he almost whispered. “I know it was
me
who wanted to talk to you about everything — to lay it all out — but now I’m finding it really difficult.”
“It’s okay,” I said, resisting the urge to stroke his hand. I knew touching him right now would be counterproductive.
“No, it’s not.” He straightened up, and I could see a definite change in his demeanor. “I’m fine now.”
He looked down at my plate of half-eaten food and then at his own. “I’m not really hungry,” he said, standing up to dump his plate in the trash.
“Me either,” I agreed, handing him my plate as well.
“Do you want to get started, then?”
I nodded and moved over to the couch on the other side of the room. Cameron watched me cautiously. I patted the couch cushion next to me, and he hesitantly came and sat down. I slid to the far side and leaned on the arm so we weren’t in danger of touching.
“Do you still want to do this? You seem uncomfortable,” I said.
“I think it’s important that we do this.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have questions?” he asked, his posture very rigid.
I sighed. “Cam, I can’t relax if you’re so tense.”
His body slouched a bit, and he ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said, meeting my eyes. “It’s hard for me to admit all the things I did wrong. I know I did them, and I can admit them to myself, but it’s hard to say them to you when I know it’s going to cause you pain.”
“Well, why don’t you let me worry about me? I can look after myself. I promise to let you know if I can’t take any more, okay?”
His face relaxed a little, and he nodded, then narrowed his eyes. “You won’t just get up and run out of here?”
“No!”
“Okay. What’s your first question about Lucy?”
My mind was racing with all the questions I wanted to ask, but I didn’t know if I really wanted the answers to any of them. I looked down at the hem of my denim skirt, picking at a frayed edge.
“When did it start?”
“You told me the other night that you knew when things started to go wrong between us,” Cameron said thoughtfully. “Well, my involvement with Lucy initially started about five months after your mother moved away.”
I gasped. I’d assumed he’d been seeing Lucy for much longer than three months.
“When
exactly
did it start?” I wasn’t sure why, but now that I had the option of learning the details, I was eager to know everything. I’d gotten the length of the affair wrong — what else was I wrong about?
“Well, I told you about running into her at the harbor that night,” Cam said, looking at the floor. “But I guess when I first started talking to her… Do you remember — before that — when we all went to Hartford and ended up in that nightclub?”
I recalled a night, the September before I left, when Cameron and I had an argument before we went out — about something I couldn’t remember now. We’d gone to dinner with his family and ended up dancing at a club. I also recalled Cameron sitting in the corner sulking most of the night while everyone else danced.
“I remember.”
“While you, Bonnie, and Sarah were dancing, Lucy approached me and…” He stopped talking and ran his hands over his face. “This is hard for me to say to you. Sorry.”
“It’s hard for me to hear,” I said, returning his weak smile. “Go on.” I could feel my heart pounding as I waited for him to start speaking again.
“She asked me if I was okay. I told her we were just going through some things, and she asked if I wanted to talk about it. We left the club and walked around talking for over an hour, and when I got back you were still dancing — as if you hadn’t even noticed I was gone…” he trailed off and stared at me, waiting for my response.
A hard lump formed in my throat, and I tried to swallow it down as best I could. It was true that I hadn’t known he was gone for an hour. How could I have cared so little about my husband? And it disgusted me that my so-called best friend had taken advantage of the situation.
“I’m sorry,” Cameron whispered.
“Go on,” I choked out. I knew he mistook my pain for something he’d caused, but I didn’t have to words to tell him I was upset with myself. I closed my eyes as he continued to speak.
“You’d been so distant, and I hoped that if we got out and had some fun like we used to, it would make us close again. I just wanted us to be like we were before, but you pushed me away again. It hurt even more when I saw that you appeared to be acting perfectly normal with Sarah and Bonnie. I watched you dancing with them — smiling and laughing — and I assumed the distance between us wasn’t about your mother after all…but just that you weren’t in love with me anymore.”
The lump in my throat sank into my stomach, and I started to feel a little sick. For so long I’d thought only about my own pain. What Cameron had been feeling was something new to me…and it was hard to hear.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
I wiped a few stray tears from my face before looking into his eyes. I felt awful that I’d ever made him feel neglected and unloved.
“I’m sorry,” I said with a sniffle.
“You have nothing to be sorry for!” He reached across and rubbed my leg. I leaned away from his touch, and he moved his hand back to his lap.
“I’m sorry I’m not handling this better. I don’t want to cry.” I breathed for a moment. “I’m fine. Was there anything else?”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said for the millionth time that day. His apologies were starting to annoy me. “Are you all right?”
I pushed my shoulders back and nodded. But I kept my mouth clamped shut because I knew if I tried to speak I’d either burst out crying or scream at him, and I didn’t want to do either.
“For days after that I was really confused. It felt good to have someone I could confide in, but it also felt wrong to be talking to someone else behind your back,” he continued. “Over and over I tried to tell you, but every time I’d get up the courage to start a conversation, you’d tell me you needed to be alone or you were dealing with too much to listen. I understood that — I really did — but it just reinforced my feeling that you didn’t want me anymore.”
My deep breathing was not keeping me as calm as I’d hoped as I allowed Cameron’s words to settle in. Was it betraying Owen to still feel so strongly about all this?
I noticed Cameron opening his mouth a few times, as if he were going to start speaking, but he never said a word. I knew I had to pull myself together or we’d just sit there in silence all day. So I mentally gave myself a slap.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and noticed my voice wasn’t shaking as much. “How long did it go on?”
Cameron leaned back on the couch and rested his head against the top, covering his face with his fingers. I heard him exhale before he moved his hands down to tap nervously on his thighs.
“After that night in Hartford, I was always on edge whenever Lucy came over. It was like we had a secret from you, and it didn’t feel right. That thought plagued me, and one night I went down to the harbor to think. But instead of clearing my head, I just got pulled in further because she was there.”
I nodded.
“Well, after that, we’d meet every few days to talk. It felt so good to have someone to share my thoughts with, someone I could talk to about my concerns for you and my loneliness, and someone who needed something back from me. She made me feel wanted, needed, and cared for, and I started to look forward to our time together. Over the weeks I started to feel closer to her, and at some point I did believe I loved her.”
I cleared my throat. I didn’t mean to interrupt him, but it was a reaction I couldn’t control.
“I was wrong about that,” he continued. “But I didn’t know until later on. Not long before Christmas, she told me she loved me and, without even really thinking, I told her I loved her too. I felt so guilty for that, but part of me honestly believed I could love her. I knew it wasn’t the same as the way I loved you — I’ll never love anyone the way I love you — but it was a type of love all the same.”
I gasped again, not from shock this time, but from understanding. What he described was exactly the same as the thoughts I’d had the previous week while trying to justify my feelings for both Owen and Cameron. While I absolutely could not condone his feelings for Lucy, I found myself softening to his dilemma because I was going through the same thing.
“By that point, I was so disgusted with myself, and I was trying so hard to hide it from you. I usually deleted any trace of contact with her from my home life, so when you showed me that text message on my phone…” He paused and looked at me. “I was so angry with myself for being careless, but it was also a huge relief to have it out in the open. Now you could punish me the way I deserved — you could hurt me and yell at me, and then we could work through it. I wasn’t at all prepared for you to walk away without a word. That just confirmed that you didn’t care. If you could walk away so easily, you must not have loved me, just as I feared.”
“It wasn’t
at all
easy for me to walk away from you…from us,” I interrupted harshly. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Cameron watched me sadly. “Watching you drive out of that grocery store parking lot after you saw me with Lucy was the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through.”
“You didn’t answer my question…how long did it last?” I reminded him, refocusing the conversation to avoid a pity exchange.
“Right, sorry. After you left, things changed. I was so angry with myself — repulsed by my actions. But I started seeing Lucy more. I tried to convince myself what I felt for her must be real…it
had
to be real or else I’d ruined our relationship for nothing.”
“So…you had a relationship with her to prove to yourself that you’d made the right choices?”
“I don’t know. At the time it made sense, but looking back I can see how ridiculous it was. I wanted to make it work with her — I really did — but after you left I lost my reason for everything. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of a relationship with her, but without any emotion. I just completely shut down.”
“Did you have sex with her?” I braced for the answer before the question even left my mouth.
“I fucked her,” he clarified. “It was
just
sex. The physical release was there, but it was just that — a release. No gratification or emotional enjoyment.”
Revulsion hit me like a brick wall, and I slid back as far from him as I could without falling off the couch.
I must have had a horrified look on my face because he paused and backpedaled a little. “I never hurt her or anything! I was just completely detached emotionally.”
I tried to pull myself back together. “And how long did that go on?” I asked, my nausea increasing. I’d spent that month hiding from the world, trying to put my broken heart back together, and he’d been having regular sex.
“Until that day at the grocery store. Lucy was fed up with coming to the house and not having any food to eat, so she demanded we get some groceries. I didn’t care whether I was eating or not at that point, but I went along, grudgingly. As I’m sure you remember, I called you constantly during that time, but you never answered your phone. I even went to your dad’s house a few times, but he never let me in, and one time he threatened to arrest me for trespassing, so I stopped coming. When I saw you in the grocery store, I was so happy. I felt some hope for the first time in months.”
He took a breath, and I fiddled with the frayed edge of my skirt as I imagined Lucy making herself at home in my house…in my bed.
“I was horrified when I realized you saw Lucy kiss me, and I knew I had to act fast to talk to you before you left my life forever. I tried to get you to listen, but you were so angry. I was actually relieved that you were angry. If you hadn’t cared about me anymore, you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction. So when I saw how furious you were, I knew there was still love in your heart, and that made me feel good — even if I was still feeling wretched for what I did to you.”
I nodded, remembering the day clearly.
“Even though you drove away from me, I was left with a sense of hope that you still cared about me. If you still loved me, there was a chance for us. I held on to that for a long time. After you left, Lucy approached me, furious that I’d left her in the store to come running after you. She started yelling, but I felt so rejuvenated at the thought that you must still love me… My interest in her completely fell apart, and I broke things off with her for good about two weeks later. I’ve barely spoken to her since,” he said, running his fingers through his hair and sending it in all different directions.
“It was all so selfish. Everything was for your own needs… You treated her terribly.”
Cameron gave me a guilty look and nodded. “I used Lucy to give me what I wasn’t getting from you, and then I used her to try to make myself feel better. I do feel guilty about that, but on the other hand, I couldn’t care less about her feelings — it was hurting
you
that affected me. It’s only your feelings I care about,” he said, sounding a little petulant.
I looked at Cameron and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. I’d never thought
my
Cameron was selfish or would use another person for his own reasons. Right now he was like a stranger to me.