Pirate Princess (37 page)

“What would you have me do?” he asked with an arched eyebrow. “Let you sail with us to whatever destination we choose where you might never see your family again?”

“Yes!” I screamed at him. “I want you to want me by your side! I want you to want me to be with you! I want you to care that you’re crushing my heart beneath your boots while abandoning me and trying to claim that you’re doing it because it’s what is best for me! You claim you love me, yet you’re tossing me aside as if I don’t matter! I’m in this cell because you’ve made me a prisoner and are enacting a punishment upon me that I don’t deserve!”

He opened his mouth and closed it. I hadn’t meant to say all of that. I hadn’t meant for him to know how I was feeling, but it came out and I could not take it back now. I was crying again and he just stared at me looking sad and tired. “Tilia,” he whispered.

It hurt to hear him say my name. It hurt to see him. Every part of me ached to just throw myself into his arms and kiss him. I would not do it. I would not give in. I picked up the first tray of food he had given me, grabbed the second and set it on top of the first, then handed them both to him. “I don’t want your food. I don’t want anything else from you. If you care so little for me then I refuse to take anything from you. I would leave this ship if I had a means of return without your assistance.” I didn’t mean it, but I was angry and hurt. Now I knew why they said scorned women were the worst kind of women.

He left and I collapsed back onto the bed to cry yet again. I hated crying. I hated being so soft. I hated being so weak. I would seal up my heart and I would throw away the key. I would never love anyone again.

The next day someone else dropped a tray of food off at my cell. That night another traded it with a new one. I lay facing the wall, ignoring them as they came and left. I hadn’t touched my own food in a full day and barely drank any water.

I felt numb. I felt lost. I felt broken.

My sleep schedule became erratic as I slept whenever I could and more often than usual. Who cared? Who cared about anything? Finn didn’t visit me anymore.

I was sleeping when I felt the boat come to a stop. I could hear the men yelling commands and answers above, but I stayed on my side, which was hurting from being in the same position too long. “We’re here,” Bernard said.

I waited until his footsteps faded away and then got up, ran my fingers through my hair, and grabbed all of my belongings. I took a deep breath to steady myself and climbed the stairs to the main deck. The entire crew stood together while Finn stood alone by the ladder to the boat I would take to the docks. I didn’t even have to worry about my face because I was too numb to be any other expression except blank. “Thank you for allowing me to sail on your ship, Captain Finn. I will always remember it and I hope I didn’t cause you and your crew too much trouble. May you have fair winds and full sails.”

“I will always remember you, Tilia. I love you.” He whispered.

“Love is a lie for delusional people,” I whispered, “Thank you for showing me that and destroying my heart in the process.” I climbed down the ladder before he could respond.

Bernard rowed me to the docks and said, “We are sure going to miss you. You will always be part of our crew.”

I hugged him and said, “I will miss all of you as well. Take care of him for me.”

“He may have a brave face on, but it’s tearing him up inside,” he said.

I shook my head. “I wish I could believe that. If he actually loved me he wouldn’t discard me like this.”

I gave him another hug and climbed onto the docks. I started walking towards the land and felt my wounds tearing open afresh as it became reality. I stopped at the edge of the wooden dock where it met the land and turned around with tears rolling down my cheeks. Finn was staring at me and I thought I saw something glistening on his face, but it was probably just my imagination. I clutched at my chest as the pain intensified and turned away. Guards looked at me in shock, townspeople openly stared, but I didn’t care. For the second time I was being discarded by the man I loved. I was being given to my Aunt and marooned to land. I walked through the town and down the road to the castle. The day turned to night and rain and wind pounded me as I trudged towards the castle. I couldn’t see where I was going, but I knew my way home.

I was almost to the steps when a guard finally saw me and stepped in my path. “Who goes there?” he asked.

I looked up at him and his eyes and mouth opened in shock. I walked around him and pushed open the doors. Mud caked my boots and my clothes were soaked, but I didn’t care. Every step left a slop of mud on the floor of the castle. I climbed the stairs, walked to my room and closed the door. I put the lock in place and curled up on my bed without caring about the filthy mess I was making of the blanket.

Someone knocked on my door twice, but I didn’t have the energy to answer. Despite the lock having been in place the door opened and someone walked in. A body sat behind me on the bed and a warm callused hand stroked the hair out of my face.

“Are you hurt?” Faxon asked me.

How could I answer that? I was dying inside. How could I
not
be hurt?

“Do I need to heal any injuries?” he asked me as if to clarify his query.

If only he could heal my shattered heart. I shook my head once. He swept his hands over me and warmth radiated from his hands to cover me, seeping through my clothes and skin and warming me so that I could stop shivering. He placed his hand on my forehead. “Go to sleep, Tilia. We can talk when you’re ready.”

* * *

I sponge washed my skin and hair and changed clothes before heading downstairs to the dining room where I found only Faxon present.

He pulled out a chair for me and placed the back of his hand to my forehead. “You don’t seem to have a fever which means you didn’t catch sick from the rain.”

I picked up a muffin and picked at it, eating a tiny piece and then pushed it away. “Where are they?” I asked him in a whisper.

“They’re on their way back from Markleville,” he explained, “They would have returned sooner if they had known you were returning.”

I didn’t want them here. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I had questions I wanted to ask, but I was afraid he would ask me questions as well. “How long until they return?” I asked him instead.

“They’ll be here by tomorrow morning.”

Wonderful.

“It helps to talk about things sometimes,” he suggested, “Sometimes getting it out will help you heal.”

There was no healing from this. Whatever I could salvage would be a shell of my old self. How could a mere few months change a person so drastically? I would have to find some way to exist in this place to satisfy my family enough not to pester me.

“Duke is with them,” Faxon said, “But if you wish to go for a ride you may take my horse.”

I shook my head. “I don’t wish to go anywhere,” I said. Ever.

“Would you like to destroy things?” he asked me.

“Not today,” I whispered. I ambled back to my room and hid from Faxon the rest of the day. He didn’t bother me or even try to force me to eat, which I was thankful for. The next morning I heard the sound of three horses galloping in. I got myself ready to face my aunt and uncle and tried to compose myself. They would bombard me with questions and I would have to find a way to answer them without bawling like a newborn who wanted some milk.

I looked at myself in the mirror and found a stranger staring back at me. My face was thinner, my skin tanner than when I left, but flushed and deep dark puffy circles hung beneath my eyes. I knew I could not hide the sadness in my eyes. Anyone who saw me would know I was damaged.

The main doors opened and I could hear them greeting Faxon joyously. They grew quiet and I walked out of my room to face them. Esmeralda and Jared were talking quietly with Faxon, but turned when I started down the stairs.

“Tilia,” Esmeralda said lovingly, “We are so happy to have you home.”

I stayed out of arm’s reach so she could not hug me. Hugs would cause emotion. “I’m sorry for not notifying you about my early return, but I would have arrived before the message reached you anyways.”

“Come to the dining hall with us. We need to eat,” she said, her bright smile wilting a little.

I followed behind them and sat in my normal seat. They piled their plates high and I took a muffin again, picking at it and eating a few pieces to appease Faxon’s stares.

“I assume you have heard about Trian’s recent declarations?” I asked them.

They all stopped eating, setting their utensils down, and looked at me, giving me their full attention.

Jared said, “We have.”

“Have you joined their cause?” I asked.

“Of course not,” Esmeralda said defensively. “We told them that although there are bad pirates, not all of them cause problems and that we have had several crews visit with no incidents.”

I nodded my head. “Thank you. Have you heard if they decided on a course of action?”

“They were still in discussions with the other Kingdoms who joined them last that we heard,” Jared reported. He frowned at me and asked, “Unless you have news to the contrary?”

“Two Trian war ships found an island where pirates gather under neutrality and spend time relaxing peacefully together. The island’s location was supposed to be a secret, but somehow they found out,” I said. I swallowed as emotions began to bubble up.

“No,” Esmeralda whispered and clutched at her chest, guessing what I had to say.

“One opened fire on the town, unprovoked, and killed pirates along with innocent citizens,” I told them.

“They wouldn’t,” Jared said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t know the casualty totals, but hundreds would be my estimate,” I continued.

“Were you there?” Faxon asked.

I nodded my head.

“What happened? How did you escape?” Esmeralda asked.

“
Jax
,” I said and put extra emphasis on the name, “Destroyed both war ships. She warned the first war ship and they said they had been given orders to destroy everyone on the island.”

“That piece of horse crap,” Jared snarled. “Killing citizens?” His eyes blazed with fury and outrage.

“How did Jax destroy them?” Esmeralda asked.

“Both war ships and their crews turned to ash,” I said numbly. I wasn’t even sad about killing them. What kind of person did that make me?

“Was your father…?” Jared started.

“He and his crew escaped as did Finn and his crew and a few others,” I said. “Not one hundred percent of their crews, but the number of crew members missing was not given to me.”

“So, what are they going to do?” Esmeralda asked. “Are they going to try to fight the Kingdoms?”

I shook my head. “The captains gathered and some decided to continue as normal and fight whoever they came up against while others are giving up piracy and some others are going to band together to make a town of pirates to learn to live on the land again.” I stood up and said, “It was decided for me that my safety would be best assured here with the three of you. I haven’t become accustomed to solid ground yet so I’ll be in my room.” I walked away without looking at them. I knew Esmeralda would look sad and feel sorry for me and I could not bear to see her eyes.

The days passed in a blur of numbness. My family gave me a wide berth and only occasionally tried to engage in small talk with me, being sure to avoid any subjects that I might not want to discuss or that might lead to a discussion of topics I avoided. Days turned into weeks and then a full month had passed without my realizing it. I wasn’t healed, but it was getting easier to return to the life I had had before Finn.

I started riding Duke again once a week and practiced my dagger throwing and magic. Despite the circumstances I still had a goal of passing my mage tests to become at least a Master Mage. The anger that burned in me needed an outlet though and as we sat in the dining room one month since I had been dumped there, I looked to my uncle and asked, “Would you spar with me?”

He smiled and said, “Of course.”

After we finished our meals, my appetite slowly returning, we headed out to the training arena. There was a whole new class of trainees and strangely these ones seemed less standoffish to me. They greeted me warmly and I greeted them as warmly as was possible for my state. I stepped into the sand arena and felt some of my tension ease out of my shoulders.

“You want me to go easy on you?” Jared asked with a smirk.

“Only if you want me to make you bleed again,” I taunted him. I needed a fight. I needed the adrenaline. I needed to feel something again. Something I could control.

We each drew a sword and a dagger and faced each other. It felt like just yesterday we had done this and yet, it somehow felt like a lifetime ago. He watched me a moment and then charged forward. I blocked his attacks easily and all thoughts left my head except the fight. My movements came automatically as I protected myself from his attacks and tried to find an opening or flaw in his defenses. The only sound I could hear was the clashing of our weapons and it was one of the greatest sounds I had heard in a long time.

My heart beat faster and my body warmed with exertion. I pushed myself and tried my hardest and he met my attacks with his own. He ran towards me and I thought how slow he moved in comparison to Finn.

My heart clenched and I was consumed by fury. I attacked him again and again, not giving him any time to attack me and only enough time to defend himself. How could he have left me? How could have told me he loved me, let me join his crew, and then discarded me like a rotten apple?

I was more than that! I loved him with all I had! I would have given up my life to be with him!

Tears streamed down my face and I stumbled over my own feet, falling to my knees in the sand at my uncle’s feet. He dropped his weapons in the sand and dropped to his knees to hug me. He let me cry and hold onto him like he was the last thing that mattered and let me release all of the pent up emotions.

Once I could regain control of myself he asked, “Would it make you feel better if I put out a reward for him to be brought in for me to do some of the things I threatened him with? I could cut off an arm for you to mount on the wall?” he suggested.