Authors: K. Sterling
Chapter 24
Carter leaned back in his chair, hugging his coffee mug to his chest as he watched Reid sleep. He tried to wake Reid up to see if he wanted coffee but he just grumbled incoherently and rolled over. Aside from a lot of scotch and a few cookies, Reid hadn’t eaten in the last three days. He cried a lot the first day, when he was awake. Carter thought he’d won a small victory when he forced Reid into the shower the day before and practically jammed a toothbrush into his mouth but Reid went right back to the couch after he was dried and dressed in Carter’s pajama pants and t-shirt. Reid wouldn't budge from the couch unless it was to shower or use the bathroom. When Carter begged him to go up to bed, Reid refused and pulled Carter onto the couch with him and did his impression of the giant squid from
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.
There had to be something Carter could do. The hospital kept calling and Reid refused to answer. Carter had answered once and he talked with a lovely woman that told Carter not to worry, that she’d arrange for Reid to go on leave. Every time Carter tried to talk to Reid about work he shook his head and said he was done. Done? Carter saw an article about Madison Parker, the four year old girl that had died at Northlake Regional Hospital. It was heartbreaking and the media was all over the story. Carter kept the t.v. off and wasn’t bringing newspapers in the house. Carter couldn’t imagine the pressure that came with being a surgeon. If Carter made a mistake, at the worst, his book didn’t sell. If Reid made a mistake, a person died. But Reid hadn’t made a mistake with Madison Parker. From what Carter read, it was a miracle (or, a tragedy) that she lived long enough to make it to the hospital. Carter knew that losing Madison had to have ripped open the scars from Kelsey’s death.
The parents were devastated. Obviously. Reid had mumbled something about the mother and something about living with what happened to them too. That was about all Carter got out of Reid. Mostly, he slept. When he was awake, he stared at the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest.
Before all of this, Carter was toying with the idea of asking Reid if he wanted to move in. Sadie was already living with him, there was no point in her being home alone while Reid was at work. When Reid wasn’t at work, he was at Carter’s. Most of Reid’s clothes had migrated to Carter’s as well. If anything, Reid’s house was just another thing for Carter to worry about. He’d taken it upon himself to send landscapers over to care for the lawn twice a week and he’d been picking up the mail. When Carter opened and paid the electric bill, the absurdity of it sunk in. So did the irony. A few months ago, he’d been screaming and terrified that everything was moving too fast, now he wanted them to live together.
Just not like this. He had to figure out some way to help Reid. Aside from the fact that the sight of Reid, shattered and shut down, made Carter’s stomach feel like he’d swallowed a brick, it was as if their lives had been put on hold. Everything existed around Reid’s grief. Carter was too distracted to work and spent a lot of time holding Reid and trying to talk to him. Or staring at him and worrying about him. Reid wanted Carter there, he practically burrowed into Carter whenever he could, but he didn’t want to talk about anything, especially Madison Parker.
Carter felt like he was failing. There had to be something he could be doing to help Reid. Carter was in way over his head. He'd dated guys for a few months but it had never been like this. Carter thought he’d had boyfriends in the past but this was an entirely different species of relationship. He wouldn’t have tolerated Ben living on his couch, he’d never even let Ben come over when he was working. Carter almost laughed out loud at the idea of living with Ben. No. Nothing had ever been like this. No one had ever been like Reid. Carter had to do something so they could get back to their exciting/terrifying new life. But what? Carter took a sip from his mug as his mind played through the few romantic movies he’d seen and everything he knew about poetry and love songs. Standing in the yard with a boom box over his head or dragging Reid to the top of the Empire State Building wouldn’t help. Carter’s eyes drifted to his phone and he sat up quickly. He set down his mug and grabbed his phone before he went to the couch.
“Hey.” Carter whispered as he brushed his fingers through Reid’s hair.
“Hmm?”
“I’m taking Sadie for a walk.” Carter dropped a kiss on Reid’s lips and he nodded.
“Thanks.” His hand cupped Carter’s cheek for a second before it dropped and Reid rolled over. Carter frowned as he stood and stared at Reid. Then, Carter looked to Sadie, suddenly alert at the mention of her name.
“Come on, girl.” Carter said softly as he nodded at the door.
Once they were outside and a few driveways away from the house, Carter called Abby.
“Hey, lover.” Abby sang and Carter’s body relaxed. It was such a relief to hear a happy voice.
“Hey. How’s it going?” Carter asked as he watched Sadie stare longingly at a squirrel in the tree above them.
“The same as always. You?” She asked. Carter could hear Jemmy making truck sounds in the background and smiled.
Maybe we’ll get a kid one day…
Carter’s eyes became as big as saucers and his heart started to race. “Carter?” Abby called loudly. He shook his head, trying to make it work again.
“Yeah…” His voice was gravelly and weak.
“Is everything all right?” Abby’s voice was higher.
“I’m fine, I just scared myself a little. It’s nothing.” He insisted as he tugged on Sadie’s leash. She whined but set off down the sidewalk. “Actually, it’s Reid. He’s not doing so well right now.” Carter sighed as he pictured Reid on the couch. Abby groaned.
“That poor girl. I can’t imagine how hard that has to be for him. I’m sure that after her parents and family, this has to be the worst for the doctors.” Her voice wavered and Carter knew she was putting herself in Madison’s mother’s place. “Is he still taking it badly?” Abby asked. Carter nodded.
“He is. I don’t know how to help him and that’s sort of my job now, right?” He asked.
“It is.” She agreed. “But there’s not a lot you can do, hon. Just give him time and let him sort it out. When he needs something, be there.” Abby said. Carter felt his heart sink. He knew she was right but it wasn’t the answer he wanted. “I know you. You want a list of directions or a remedy but there just isn’t any of that. Everyone handles traumatic events differently. I think this is like PTSD. Maybe he’ll snap out of it in a few days, maybe he doesn't and you eventually drag him to counseling. All I know is, I couldn’t do what he does. I would have run so far away if I knew there was a baby girl hurt like that.” The last part was a watery whisper and Carter’s eyes stung and his throat tightened. He swallowed past it and took a deep breath.
“I know. I just hate seeing him like this. He won't get off the couch and he’s not eating.” Carter gave a soft whistle and turned back toward the house and Sadie followed. Abby hummed thoughtfully.
“I’d push the eating thing but I’d leave the rest alone. If you get too pushy, he might close himself off more. But food will make him feel better. Make some things he really likes and just pamper him. You’re good at that.” She suggested. Carter smiled. He could do that.
“Thanks, Abby.” He said as he started making a mental list. “I’ll go to the store after I’m done walking Sadie.” Carter heard her laugh softly.
“Aside from the part where the saddest thing ever happened, all of this is really good for you. Both of you, actually. You’ve put yourself out there in a big way and you’re taking responsibility for someone else. And when Reid learns how to move on from this, you two will be so much closer and stronger. I’m really proud of you for letting him in.” Abby sounded like she was beaming and Carter shrugged as he stopped and looked at his house.
“Whatever.” He mumbled. “I’m back. I’m going to let you go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Sure. Give Reid a hug for me.”
“Definitely.” Carter said before he hung up.
At least he had something to do to keep him busy. He quietly pushed the door open and took Sadie off the leash. Carter bent over the arm of the couch and kissed Reid’s hair.
“I’m going to run to the store. Do you want anything?” He asked gently. Reid shook his head, his face was pressed against the back of the couch.
“Will you lay down with me for a while later?” He muffled. Carter smiled softly as he rubbed Reid’s shoulder.
“Yeah. I have to do a few things but then I’ll spend the rest of the day here with you.” Carter promised.
“Thank You.” Reid mumbled.
Chapter 25
It was like a perpetual fog. Reid had never been so sad in his whole life. He was just
so
sad. Even when Kelsey died he hadn’t been this sad, for this long. Then again, he was really young. Now, he was experiencing Maddie’s death and his sister’s death all over again. No matter what he did, he saw them, broken and dead and he felt so helpless. And sad.
Nothing existed beyond the couch. It was like an island in the fog and Reid clung to it stubbornly. It was safe and he remembered that he’d existed happily on it a long time ago. He stayed there, hoping he’d find that happier self if he stayed long enough. And Carter would come to the couch and hide in the fog with him. Some days, Carter was the only solid thing left in the world. And he’d bring food. At first, Reid didn’t want to eat. His stomach felt like it had been filled with sand and it clenched painfully every time he thought of eating or those tiny girls. Alcohol would make them fade but after a few hours, Reid would feel sick and sadder. Then, Carter sat on the couch with a large bowl of lobster mac and cheese and shoved spoonfuls into Reid’s mouth and his stomach started to feel normal again. After that, Carter would put on movies and spoon feed Reid bread pudding, potato soup, chocolate cake, apple pie, chicken pot pie, ice cream… Everything Reid loved until he fell asleep. Reid probably should have felt guilty, Carter wasn't working on his book. He spent his days cooking, feeding Reid and being lazy on the couch with him. But Reid didn’t feel guilty, he was selfish and Carter was the only thing Reid wanted.
Chapter 26
“Hey, Carter! Want your usual?” The barista’s bright chirping was a refreshing change and Carter smiled as he nodded.
“Thanks, Julie.” He responded and her eyes swung to Reid and she dimmed a bit. He blinked slowly, almost groggily as he stared at the menu before he sighed.
“Can I just get a latte?” Reid mumbled. Julie countered with an even brighter smile.
“Sure thing, hon!” She winked at Reid and he offered a weak nod before he wandered off.
Carter paid and moved to the other end of the counter to wait. He frowned as he watched Reid head for the bakery. It was his first outing and Carter worried that he was pushing Reid too fast. He looked like shit. He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his hair was a mess. Reid wasn’t doing much beyond showering and brushing his teeth. Carter’s favorite Captain America t-shirt and a pair of track pants looked so wrong on Reid. The fit was fine, they just didn’t seem right on him.
“Iced green tea and a latte for Carter.” Julie called. He sighed as he turned to grab their drinks and Julie bit her lip as she jerked her head in the direction Reid had trudged. “I thought being in love was supposed to make people happier. He looks miserable.” She said. Carter chuckled as he stuffed a few dollars in the tip jar.
“You’d think…” He grinned as he pulled the paper off a straw. “But, he’s grieving.” Carter explained. Julie’s head fell to the side as her lip pushed out and curved down.
“Poor guy. I hope he feels better soon!” She said as she reached for another cup. “Try to have a great day, Carter.”
He nodded and thanked her before he went off to grab a basket and find Reid. Carter found Reid staring at cakes. He stood in front of the display like something that had been dumped and propped up. Carter handed Reid his coffee and they watched the cakes together for several moments.
“I want a cake.” Reid might have been talking to himself but Carter shrugged.
“Get a cake.” He said as he silently pondered having something written on whatever Reid chose. “Please, Cheer Up!” or “Don’t You Think Its Time You Shaved?” or “Having Sex With Your Boyfriend Is Allowed When You’re Grieving” might not go over well. Reid bit his lip as he considered.
“I can’t decide if I want chocolate or white cake.” He sighed. “Can I get two cakes?” Reid’s eyes were dull and empty when they reached Carter’s. No one, in the history of buttercream frosting had ever looked this unhappy while discussing which type of cake they were going to eat. Carter rubbed Reid’s back.
“Sure. Get two.” He’d buy all the cakes if they would help. Reid exhaled loudly as he picked up the chocolate cake and set it in the basket.
“Would you still love me if I got fat?” Reid asked as he debated over a white cake with a blue border or a white cake with sprinkles. Carter hoped he picked sprinkles. Sprinkles were more festive and cheerful. A person couldn’t be sad when sprinkles were involved. He’d cover the whole fucking world in sprinkles if it would make Reid take Sadie to the park and sleep in the bed instead of on the couch. Carter raised a brow and gave Reid a dry look.
“Yes, just not as often.” He grabbed the cake with the sprinkles and pushed Reid away from the bakery. “Come on, we’ll grab some of those blood test strips so we can keep an eye on your ‘beetis.” Carter teased.
“That’s pretty shitty, Carter.” Reid mumbled as he tossed a bag of chips in the basket. Carter kicked himself for not getting a cart. Reid ate a lot of junk food lately. Why did he think they’d get away with a basket?
“What? The thing about you getting diabetes?” He asked absently as he reached for a bag to put a chicken in. Reid shook his head.
“No, the part about not wanting me if I got fat.” He explained and Carter snorted.
“It was a stupid question.” He rearranged the basket, hoping to magically create more space. “I don’t care if you get fat, Reid. I’d prefer we didn’t have to hire people to carry you out of the house but if that’s your new plan, I’ll sit by your bed and feed you sticks of butter.” Carter said absently as he stared in the direction of the store entrance, trying to decide if it was too much trouble to go all the way back for a cart. Reid’s lips and stubble rubbed against his cheek and Carter smiled.
“I love you.” Reid murmured. When Carter turned to return the kiss, a weak grin tilted Reid’s lips and Carter wanted to jump up and down with joy. It was the closest thing to a smile he’d seen in weeks. Carter pressed a quick kiss to Reid’s lips.
“I love you too.” He whispered, not wanting Reid to hear his voice break.
They managed to make it out without resorting to a cart and were stowing their bags in the back of Carter’s car when Reid’s hand brushed down Carter’s back as his chin settled on Carter’s shoulder.
“Thank you for putting up with me.” Reid said softly before he kissed Carter’s neck. Carter shivered and he had to discreetly adjust the front of his jeans.
“Its fine.” He turned his head and kissed Reid’s temple before he pulled the hatch down. “Though I wouldn’t mind if you shaved.” Carter announced as he nudged Reid toward the passenger side of the car. He groaned as he dropped into his seat and had to shift to get comfortable. When he looked up, Reid was staring at him. His expression was soft and almost apologetic. Carter gave him a pointed look and Reid’s eyes flicked to Carter’s lap.
“It’s been a long time.” Reid admitted and Carter nodded as he looked over his shoulder, pulling out of the parking space.
“It has but I understand.”
Sort of.
Carter felt a little bit like shit at the thought. Reid set his hand on Carter’s thigh and began to rub toward his crotch and Carter groaned as he reached over and wrapped his hand around the back of Reid’s neck.
“When we get back to your place, I’ll shave and then we’ll have sex.” Reid offered.
“Oh, Thank God!” Carter exhaled loudly in relief and nodded enthusiastically.
Reid helped carry the bags in and they put everything away. Carter stopped Reid as he turned to go upstairs. He pulled Reid into his arms and kissed him hungrily, letting Reid feel how he ached for him and needed him to heal. His erection became painful when Reid’s hands slid under the back of his shirt. Carter growled as his lips brushed over Reid’s beard. He let his teeth drag when they met bare skin and Reid moaned softly.
“You can shave later.” Carter murmured as he backed Reid out of the kitchen.
Carter changed course just before they got to the stairs. There was a tube of KY in his desk, from the single/porn years. He guided Reid to the couch and stepped away long enough to snatch the lube. When he returned to Reid, Carter was anxious and feeling absurdly emotional. He took refuge in Reid’s mouth, letting the tide of need and joy rush into him as his hands greedily swept over Reid’s body. They touched constantly over the last few weeks but it had all been meant to soothe and console, Carter had kept his baser self in check and shelved his libido. He growled as he pushed his shirt up Reid’s body and whipped it over his head before he slid his hands down Reid’s chest. His fingers dug in as they pulled down Reid’s stomach and he moaned impatiently as he dropped to his knees and tugged the track pants and Reid’s boxers down. Reid’s cock sprang free and Carter took it in both hands and rubbed it all over his face before he pushed Reid back onto the couch and dove into his lap, burying his nose in Reid’s sack and inhaling.
“Jesus, Carter!” Reid jumped and hissed when Carter sucked one of his balls into his mouth. “Why didn’t you say something?” He asked as he feathered Carter’s hair with his fingers. Carter shook his head and released Reid.
“You were going through a lot, I didn’t want to be selfish.” He murmured the words against Reid’s tender skin, not wanting to lose the feel or taste of him. Reid groaned as his hands wrapped tighter around Carter’s head.
“I love you so much, Carter.” He whispered shakily.
Carter squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ease the burning as they watered and hummed in agreement as he filled his mouth with Reid’s delicate flesh. He sucked and licked Reid’s sack until it became tighter and harder and moved up to Reid’s cock. Reid’s head fell back against the couch and he became a fountain of moans and sighs as Carter sucked and lapped at his erection. Carter waited until his need was almost unbearable before he turned Reid and had him put his knees on the couch and lean against the back. Carter held Reid open and ravenously lapped, probed and sucked Reid’s puckered, soft skin and tight entrance. He fingered Reid’s ass until Reid became demanding and writhed around his fingers. When he finally slid into Reid’s body, Carter’s control vaporized. Sex with Reid since they got their clean test results had been intensely intimate and felt indescribably good but it paled in comparison to what he felt as he thrust into Reid’s hot, clenching passage after weeks of abstinence.
“Oh. Fuck.” Carter ground out as he leaned over Reid. “I’m so sorry.” He grunted as he began to thrust deep. Reid dropped his forehead onto the couch and wrapped his hands around Carter’s wrists.
“Why are you sorry?” He panted.
“Because I’m going to fuck you too hard and too fast. I can’t take it Reid, I can’t hold on.” His voice was low and gravelly as he angled his hips, driving hard. Reid gasped and spread his knees wider.
“Don’t. I want you to take whatever you need.” He said as he braced himself.
Carter groaned as his last coherent thought faded. All he could comprehend was the need to get further inside of Reid, faster. He was the joints of his hips, the balls of his feet, the clenching muscles of his ass, all fluidly strung together as a wave of motion that crashed into Reid. Carter was the pounding of his pelvis against Reid’s ass, the slap-slap-slap of overheated skin on skin, the heaviness and pressure building in his groin and the electric, hot pleasure from the friction of Reid’s tight passage clinging to Carter’s throbbing cock.
As if from miles away, Carter heard Reid urging him to take more. He heard Reid scream his name and that he loved him over and over, and it was like gusts of wind feeding an already out of control fire. When Reid clenched brutally tight around Carter’s shaft and began to shudder and buck wildly beneath him, Carter roared and his movements became frenzied and uncoordinated. He sobbed Reid’s name when his body seized before it erupted and weeks worth of desire and loneliness poured from him. Carter squeezed his eyes shut as scalding tears flooded his vision because even though he’d been so close to Reid for so many days, they hadn’t connected and shared. He’d kept his physical needs in check and existed around Reid, for Reid. Carter came and it was violent and consuming, purging the stoic patience and soothing calm. He wrapped his body around Reid’s as his tremors subsided and a different longing swelled. Reid sighed contentedly as he turned his head and found Carter’s lips.
“We need a nap.” He slurred against Carter’s mouth. Carter nodded but his lips pulled tight.
“Not here. I want to sleep with you upstairs, in the bed.” He demanded and Reid’s brows rose. Carter stood up and pulled Reid with him. “I want pillows and sheets and blankets. I want us to be able to stretch out and roll around.” Carter didn’t give Reid time to argue, he grabbed his arm and started towing him toward the stairs.
“I love the couch and…” Reid was cut off when Carter shook his head firmly.
“I love the couch too. For naps and making out. But we’re grown men, not drunk frat boys. We sleep in beds and sometimes have slow, comfortable sex that doesn’t result in stiff necks and bruised shins. I want us to feel like us again. I want to feel normal. I want us to sleep in the bed, Reid.” Carter didn't feel a little bit bad for putting his foot down. He appreciated Reid’s grief but his own feelings were refusing to submit. He saw a flash in Reid’s eyes and hoped that it wasn’t disappointment or sadness before he nodded and a weak smile surfaced.
“Fine. We’ll sleep in the bed.” He agreed. “Can I pull up my pants?” Reid jerked his head toward his feet. His ankles were bound by track pants and boxers and Carter grinned as he stepped on the waists.
“You won’t need these.” He said and Reid nodded as he stepped out of them. “I can lose my shirt, too.” Carter yanked his shirt over his head and Reid laughed. Which almost made Carter cry. Again. Reid must have caught it.
“I’m sorry, Carter.” He whispered as he pulled him into his arms. Carter didn’t mean to moan but feeling all of Reid, naked and holding him was completely divine.
“You don’t have to apologize, I understand.” Carter rubbed his face along Reid’s shoulder and into the corner of his neck and sighed happily as his hands swept greedily over his skin. God, he’d missed this body. Reid’s hand slid around Carter’s jaw and he ducked his head and found Carter’s eyes.
“I’ve been a terrible boyfriend. I’ve neglected you and put a lot of strain on our relationship and you’ve been incredibly patient and supportive the whole time.” Reid’s eyes watered and the tightness was returning to Carter’s chest. He shook his head and made a shushing sound as he pulled Reid close again. He felt like he was catching glimpses of the old Reid and he didn’t want him disappearing again.
“Please! Its fine. Something terrible happened and we’re dealing with it.” Carter insisted. He felt the tension leave Reid and a long sigh washed over Carter’s neck.
“I love you and I’m going to do better from now on.” Reid promised and relief flooded Carter.
“I love you too.” He raised his head and brushed his lips against Reid’s before he led him up the stairs.
Carter had another moment when Reid crawled across the bed and crashed on the pillows. Seeing him naked, relaxed and sprawled on the bed created a tidal wave of emotion within Carter. It was such a silly thing but it symbolized happiness, normalcy, content, intimacy, unity… it was everything that Carter craved. He turned away as he finished undressing so Reid wouldn’t see as he struggled to regain his composure. When he had everything under control and settled on the bed, Carter pulled Reid close and wrapped his body around him. Feeling all of his body pressed against all of Reid’s was soothing and heavenly. For the first time in weeks, Carter felt complete and comfortable. He sighed when Reid’s breathing slowed and became regular and his body melted into Carter’s. A soft snore rattled in Reid’s throat and Carter smiled and began to sing softly.