Playing Well With Others (44 page)

Soft Limits -
(See also
Boundaries, Hard Limits)
Scenes or activities that are potentially negotiable, but usually require very detailed negotiation and /or a higher degree of intimacy between the involved parties.

Space -
An altered state of consciousness, often as a result of fully engaging in one’s kink desires or activities. This can be characterized by euphoria, disorientation, hyper-sensitivity, disassociation, reduction of communication skills, hyper-focus, or primal energy. (aka
bottomspace, domspace, headspace, ropespace, subspace, topspace)

Spanko -
Slang for an individual with a spanking fetish.

Squick -
(See also
Land Mine, Trigger)
The sense of repulsion from encountering a specific concept, situation, or type of play.

SSC -
An acronym for Safe, Sane and Consensual.

STD, STI -
Acronyms for Sexually Transmitted Disease and Sexually Transmitted Infection.

Submission -
The act of ceding control.

Submissive -
(i) adj. The quality of ceding authority or influence. (2) noun. An individual who surrenders control in a power exchange dynamic. (aka
sub)

Subdrop -
See
Drop.

Subspace -
See
Sp ace.

Swapping -
Slang from the swinger community for a couple who consensually engage in trading sexual partners with another couple.

Swinging -
The activity or lifestyle in which individuals or couples consensu-ally trade or engage with others. Styles of swinging vary and may include gang bangs, orgies, group sex, swapping or cuckoldry.

Switch -
(i) An individual who enjoys playing in the role of both top and bottom. (ex. “They are a switch”) (2) The act of moving from “top” to “bottom” in the course of a scene or encounter. (ex. “They switched mid-scene”) (3) An individual who explores fluidity within power dynamics. (ex. “They switch within their relationship”)

Taken In Hand -
A style of monogamous heterosexual marriage based on the concept of male dominance and female submission.

Tease and Denial -
(See also
Chastity)
A sexual activity in which erotic satisfaction is deliberately thwarted in order to maintain sexual tension.

TNG -
An acronym for The Next Generation. A group or organization which caters to younger people involved in BDSM, typically ages i8-35.

Tools -
The items used to create an effect within a scene. This word is often considered more formal in its approach that using the term “toys.”

Top -
An individual who controls the action of and is the provider of physical for sensation in a scene. (aka
topping)

Top Drop -
see
Drop.

Top Space -
see
Space.

Total Power Exchange -
A form of extended power exchange dynamic. (aka
TPE)

Toys -
The items used to create an effect within a scene.

Training -
The process of formally providing and reinforcing structure, discipline and/or goals within the context of a consensual power exchange dynamic.

Trigger -
(See also
Landmine, Squick)
A strong physiological or psychological reaction caused by a specific concept, situation or type of play.

Troll -
Slang term in the kink and alternative sexuality populations for individuals who post online or come into groups with the intention of causing maximum disruption or getting maximum attention.

Unicom -
Slang term in kink and alterative sexuality populations for a type of individual currently seen as rare and/or highly desirable.

Vanilla -
Slang for individuals who are not kink-identified, not actively engaged in BDSM activities, or not part of the kink lifestyle. May refer to non-kink activities. This term is sometimes used in a derogatory fashion.

Voyeurism -
The compulsion, desire or fetish to view others. This may include physical exposure or mental and emotional observation. (aka
voyeur)

Warmup -
The practice of gradually escalating the intensity of a scene. Warmup may include both physical and mental adjustment to the session.

Water Sports -
Activities involving the deliberate incorporating of urine. This may include peeing on oneself, being urinated on by others, group urination, or the drinking of urine. Water sports are often considered edge play. Please note that persons engaging in water sports should be aware of the health risks involved and take appropriate precautions.
(golden showers, piss play, yellow hanky)

Wax Play -
Activities involving the deliberate application of hot wax to the body. This may include paraffin dips, soy massage candles, hot dripping wax, wax removal, or depilatory waxing. Considered by some to be a form of fire play.

WIITWD -
An acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” A euphemism for any form of kinky activity or alternative sexuality.

Work -
(See also
Play)
The actions and interactions within a scene. This word is considered more formal in its approach than the term “play.”

YMMV -
An acronym for Your Mileage May Vary.

Appendix 2

Kink Flags and Symbols

Better Know Your Hanky Code

The Hanky Code (aka flagging) is a great way to pick up play, flirt, get to know people and cruise your fellow kinksters. Widely used in the i97°s as a system in the gay men’s community to meet folks and show what you are into without risking open discussion in places where the activities were taboo, nowadays flagging is a great tool for perverts of all flavors, and is common throughout many kink communities. Keys can also be worn on the appropriate side to show top (left) or bottom (right).

Though some of the colors are agreed upon universally (yellow, black, red and brown, for example), the other colors, especially some of the more obscure ones, get debated. Below is an easy list to start with — but if you’re unsure what someone is flagging — ask! You might think they are flagging Tan (cigars) but it turns out they think it’s Beige (rimming)- and that could end up with everyone feeling a bit awkward. Wearing a hanky does not necessarily mean you are game to play with anyone into that activity — it’s a way to start the conversation and get the ball rolling.

Are you into lots of stuff? Versatile? Switch? Consider changing out your hankies every once in a while to show what mood you are in
right now
instead of flagging fifty things at once . . . though multiple flagging is a choice too. Items in parentheses below show common secondary interpretations.

In some regions, a bandanna or hanky in a back pocket or tied on the body may also be a way to signal gang involvement. Think smart about whether boldly flagging in your area is appropriate, or if something more subtle might be a better choice.

Flags

	Leather Pride: The Leather Pride Flag was designed by Tony DeBlase in i989, and was first presented at the International Mr. Leather event in Chicago, Illinois, that year. The nine horizontal stripes alternate black and royal blue, with a central white stripe, and a large red heart in the upper left quadrant. It has been adopted by the broader BDSM and kink communities as a flag for alternative sexual practice and lifestyles. Sub-sections of the leather and BDSM communities have modified this flag to make it their own. For example:
	BDSM Pride: Red and white Triskeli symbol centered over the field of stripes.
Puppy Pride: Bo ne in red on the center, or a red dog paw print in the top left corner, instead of a heart in the top left.
Canadian Kink: Red maple leaf replacing the heart.
Australian Kink: Southern Cross stars in white on top of Leather Pride flag.
Bootblack: Black boot print on flag, or black boot shape on center of flag, with or without heart in corner, or red boot on the center with no heart.
. . . and more! In general, red, black, blue and white are considered the Leather/BDSM/Kink Pride colors, and appear in multiple formats on jewelry, clothing, flags, and similar items.
	Leather Boy/Boi: The leather boy pride flag was created by Keith P, and debuted at Mid-Atlantic Leather in i998. It was based on the leather pride flag, with the same number of stripes, but they are diagonal from left to right. Dark green replaces the blue of the leather pride flag, representing the hanky code color for daddy/boy. The heart is moved to the right corner to represent where “a boy’s heart is.”
	Leather Girl/Grrl: The leather girl pride flag was created by sheryl (American Leatherwoman 2003) with significant assistance from jp, Toss Inc, and girl nancy. It was unveiled at the Ms. San Diego Leather Contest in 2003. It is inspired by the leather boy pride flag, turned to be tall rather than wide, with pink replacing the green, representing the culturally standardized color for “girl.”
	Pony Pride: The po ny pride flag was created by Carrie (aka Mystic Storm) in 2007, and was first presented at the Florida Fetish Weekend that year. The flag features a black field (leather community ties), a white bar (inner spirit), a blue line (excellence, and a nod to denim and cowboys/girls), a green circle (grass and environment), and horseshoes (unification of all ponies).
	Littles and Adult Baby Pride: This flag was designed to help age play practitioners recognize each other, and to create solidarity amongst adult babies, age roleplayers and littles. It features a blue and pink background, with a red and white striped heart at the center. Another variation on the flag features three colors of blue and three colors of pink stripes, with a large diaper pin, on a white background, to specify pride in adult baby activities and identity. This second flag debuted at Stockholm Pride in 2005 and was designed by David.
	Rubber Pride. Used as a symbol of latex and rubber fetishism pride and desire, the image was designed in i994 by Peter Tolos and Scott Moats. The flag features black (representing lust and the look of black shiny rubber), red (for passion), and yellow (for drive and intensity). The chevron is “kinked” at an angle to specifically express kinkiness.
	Ownership Pride: Designed in the United Kingdom in 2006, this flag was introduced by Tanos as part of the Ownership Icons project (see Ownership Icons on p. 258). The black and white striped field represents the clear distinction between owners and property, as well as the bars of a cage. The foreground features a red shield with a thick white circle, representing the collar, as well as owned submissives and slaves.
	Polyamory Pride: Designed by Jim Evans, the poly pride flag consists of blue, red, black and black stripes and the Greek symbol pi in gold at the center. Each represents desires of this consensual non-monogamy community — blue for openness and honesty, red for love and passion, and black for solidarity. Pi is used to represent the first letter of polyamory.