Playing Well With Others (41 page)

I was attending a kinky conference with a bunch of TNG folks. As they ran inside a diner to grab breakfast, I sat outside with our ten roller bags. As they were coming back, a lovely older woman asked me where we were going. I said we were off to a conference where people work on their relationships. She lit up and said that she didn’t work on her relationship until twenty years into her forty year marriage, and she was happy we were doing it so young. My friends asked later why I lied to the old lady. I didn’t, I said, I was simply speaking her language. Not everyone wants the details, and sharing it all can be too much for a stranger to digest.

When folks ask further questions about the answers we give, we each have choices as to how much information is appropriate. Perhaps we will ask, “How much would you like to know?” Perhaps we will choose to share vague details, but not specifics. Perhaps we’ll opt out by changing gears, maybe asking folks what
they
did over the weekend. It can be easy to jump to the conclusion that others are prying or trying to judge us, but most often people ask questions out of a sense of curiosity.

If folks do discover the details of our alternative explorations, be prepared for a variety of responses. Some will not care. Others will be taken aback, or even consider what we do as evil, immoral, or wrong. Some might come out of the closet and share their own stories in turn. You can never tell by looking at someone what their response will be. What their responses are about is more often about their journey than ours, but a negative response can still hurt.

Many outsiders’ perception of what they think goes on within the kink world is far more exotic than the truth. Their visions are swimming with those sex ninjas and prowling erotic sharks we discussed before. Society loves sensationalism; thus, they may seek out the titillating stories — the proof of their theories — or they may project their fears or desires onto you.

That is not to say that only our non-kink friends, family and coworkers may be the ones to project on us. Our kinky friends may do much the same: expecting us to have a great time and demanding that we share all our stories with them. This can be tricky if we had a tough time at an event, as some kinky folks don’t want to hear that we spent the weekend processing our break-up or feeling like a freak among freaks. It can also be challenging if we experienced something beautiful and intimate that we want to keep as “ours” and not expose to the world at large. You may not want to share with anyone in the scene or beyond what you have been up to, keeping it as your own lovely or unlovely secret. Share what feels comfortable, and maintain your boundaries about the rest. Your boundaries around privacy are as sacrosanct as your limits around play, and maintaining them is part of your self-care.

If you are considering divulging the truths of your kinky escapades, ask yourselfwhy. Does this person need to know that fact, or in that level of detail? Are you sharing just to shock someone, to see them rattled or uncomfortable? Is sharing all of those prurient details actually helpful? Are you overexcited? Will you accidentally out someone’s identity with your story? Evaluate the context of your sharing, and remember that every single one of us is, in effect, an ambassador for the kink community as a whole — be sure to represent us, and yourself, with dignity and respect.

And if you
don’t
decide to share the details, or in fact
any
of the kink? It’s totally cool! Bring home funny anecdotes, show your family some pictures of tourist traps, and connect with them at their own level and within your comfort zone.

While your friends, family and coworkers may not need to know about your kink, there is a chance your doctor may need to know. Yes, you always have the choice of simply stating that you sprained your ankle, rather than mentioning you did it by falling off your six-inch stiletto heels. That rotator cuff injury will need different treatment modalities if it is the result of playing tennis than if it is a side effect of strenuous rope bondage. If your doctors don’t know, they won’t be able to treat you to the best of their abilities. Believe us, they’ve heard it all, and more. But if you still have concerns, check out
Appendix 4D
: it contains helpful tips for talking to health care professionals.

The other people with whom we will need to reconnect in the default world are our children. Though some folks choose to be out to their kids, consider again the age-appropriate language to use. Explaining that you had a date weekend is likely more conducive to healthy connections than a more graphic or detailed description. Children will pick up on cues around them, no matter how subtle, and there is no need to hear from the elementary school that little Pat was talking about “flogging” on the playground, or got their hands on your favorite pair of vintage manacles for “Show and Tell.” For the most part, kids just want to know that you are healthy and happy, and that they are safe and loved.

Big Town, Small Town

In cities like San Francisco or New York, it is easy enough to say that you met someone at a party without raising many eyebrows. However, in smaller towns or in areas with a small town mentality, even mentioning that you know someone else can be met with a slew of questions. Where do you know them from? What sort of party? What friends do you have in common? Where did you meet that person? What is their name? Think in advance about what you want to share, what information you need in advance, and how to integrate these new friends into your default world.

Honoring Your Journey

As you find your feet when it comes to the come-down, challenges of identity may rise to the surface. Odysseus had nothing on your journey though these exciting seas of kink and oceans of eroticism! You’ll realize so much about who you were, learn how to manifest who you are, and discover how to bring to light the amazing person you are becoming.

However, finding new ways to balance these points of awareness can be disorienting. You may have moments of intense elation, and emotional troughs of profound confusion. You may even feel weird as you examine what you have found out about yourself. It happens to us all.

I have been aware of my bent since 1993, active in the leather and BDSM communities since 1995 . . . and I still hit road bumps, strange hitches, and surreal moments of Zen. I’ve found myself breaking down laughing in the middle of a scene: when my friend stopped to check in, he asked why I was laughing. “Dude. Here I am, in the basement ballroom of an international hotel chain. I’m standing here butt-ass nekkid, tied to a giant X, being whipped by my friend, and I’m acting like this shit is . . .
normal!”
I laughed so hard I teared up, and my friend’s best efforts to beat the giggles out of me resulted in . . . you guessed it . . . more hysterical laughter. Sometimes reality checks restore some balance to my own wonky worldview.

As you walk this path and engage in your process, you learn awesome stuff about yourself. Even as you plumb the murky depths of your desires, and find the shadow side of yourself, you can become aware that light is the source of any shadow.

And yes, you will change as a result of this process. Change and growth is vital to our development as thinking, creative, loving beings. Discovering, investigating and exploring BDSM, or becoming a part of the kink community, can be a wonderful facet of the shining being that is you.

If you’re feeling like you are “coming home,” take stock in what your new home means to you. If you feel lost, sad or confused, it is up to you, and only you, to decide what steps you take from here. If you want to go to one munch and then go home having met some interesting people — that is your valid choice, your best outcome. If you want to become a performer at fetish balls and build your own dungeon space, so be it —
that
is your valid choice,
jour
best outcome.

Be an explorer. Follow your passions. And find a way to honor your journey by journeying your way. You deserve it!

Afterword

Take a breath, get yourself a blanket, grab a glass of water, or go for a brisk walk to shake it all off . . .

This is your aftercare, of a sort. Feel free to cuddle the book if you’d like!

We’ve gone a long way and explored a lot since we began our adventure together. We have wandered from the core questions of why you might want to explore kink, debunked some of the myths about the kink communities. Together we have traversed the ranges of the many types of kink events and spelunked the caverns of possible pitfalls. We’ve negotiated the twisty trails of negotiation, taken the lay of the land of play spaces, broken down the thorny brambles of BDSM, taken soundings on how to connect . . . and, finally, sailed full circle back to re-discovering ourselves in the default world.

We hope you are wiser for the journey, and that you feel empowered to take the next steps.

Now what? What are those next steps?

Glad you asked!

It’s all you, baby. You get to figure out where you want to go from here.

You have the tools to go out into the world, observe the communities available to you, perhaps create your own, and explore. Play. Have fun. Join groups. Run for titles. Become an advocate for your passion. Change the world, one orgasm at a time. And play. And have fun.

Did we mention having fun?

This path is not set in stone. It is ever-changing, and there are always new trails to blaze. And, hopefully, you’ll find your own niche, or carve out a new one, and do it all with your own flair, with grace, humor, and compassion, armed with the knowledge of how to do it, while playing well with others.

And as you do so . . . know you are not alone.

Your Sexual Sherpas,

Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

Appendix 1

Kink Lingo Glossary

GETTING KINKY FOLKS
to agree on anything is a monumental task. In the interest of establishing a common lexicon for the purposes of our book — and being as clear as we can with our language — we present the following definitions for some of the more common terms you’ll encounter in your explorations of the kink community. Enjoy!

1950s Household -
Slang for a male -dominant, female-submissive power exchange dynamic, often featuring domestic discipline.

24/7 -
A form of extended power exchange dynamic.

Aftercare -
Post -scene activities or processing. Styles of aftercare vary.

Ageplay -
Any role-playing that focuses on or involves age. May include a range from infantilism/adult baby and littles / kidz, to adultz and geriatric roles.

Animal Role-playing -
(See also
Furry)
A style of play where individuals dress and/or role-play as animal characters or manifest an animal persona. Common animal roles include dogs/puppies, horses/ponies, cats/kittens, pigs, cows and worms. May include mythical creatures. (aka
human animal, pet play, ponygirl/ponyboy, pony play, puppy play)

Asexual -
A sexual orientation categorized by an absence of sexual interest or sexual attraction to others. May also be considered having no sexual orientation. (aka
nonsexuality)

Bad Pain -
Intense physical sensation outside the desires of the participants.

Barebacking -
Unprotected penile penetration. This is edge play. Please note that persons engaging in barebacking should be aware of the risks involved. Please see
Appendix 4
for STI/STD information.

BDSM -
An acronym used to stand for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/ Submission, Sadism/Masochism and Slavery/Mastery. This acronym is sometimes used to refer to the kink communities as a whole or any kink activities in general.

Bisexual -
(See also
Pansexual, Queer)
A sexual orientation categorized by an interest or sexual attraction to both men and women.