Playing Well With Others (38 page)

• Forgetting an appointment.
  

• Neglecting to calendar your meeting.
  

• Double-booking dates.
  

• Overbooking and creating overlapping play-dates.
  

• Deciding you aren’t in the mood.
  

• Realizing you simply don’t want to have the date.
  

• Being unsure how to cancel the date.
  

• Forgetting to cancel a date.
  

Being a person of integrity in the kink community includes being diligent about keeping, re-scheduling or canceling your play dates. If you have to cancel, do so with grace and clarity. You can offer a counterproposal of a new time, or a new type of play. Consider telling them why you are cancelling. Letting someone know you have to be up early can ease their mind if they feel as though you’re just blowing them off. And if you do find yourself on the receiving end of a decline, consider it a gift. If the other person is tired, unfocused, or just isn’t that into you, the scene probably wouldn’t have been all that enjoyable anyway. Graciously accepting the decline, whatever the reason, leaves you in a good place to move on and find a new adventure.

Remember — making dates, including play dates, takes practice. Saying no takes practice. And for that matter, saying yes takes practice too! Being polite, civil and compassionate goes a long way.

At the core of negotiation is the desire to have your desires met. As you progress and grow, you’ll no doubt find that some negotiations flow trippingly off of the tongue, while others may take years to bear fruit. Optimizing your style and approach, and growing at your own speed and pace, will serve you well as you gain confidence in yourself and in your explorations. Remaining open and flexible, keeping sight of your needs, and maintaining respect for your desires and the desires of others will help you manage and fulfill your innermost fantasies while keeping yourself healthy and safe.

Chapter 10

Even Perverts Get The Blues: Staying Healthy (and Happy) at Events

N
o ONE ARRIVES
at a kink event, looks around, rubs their hands together and thinks “Right! I’m looking forward to having an emotionally fraught and difficult weekend!” And yet, it happens. Sometimes we get sick, lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed, or hurt. It can feel like emotions are taking us on a rollercoaster ride, and we end up dizzy from the craziness of it all.

Yep . . . even perverts get the blues. You are not alone. And by knowing in advance that things might not always go smoothly, we can avoid some of the pitfalls that have waylaid those who have already walked this path. Or we may not — but it’s worth a try!

There are definitely things we
can
each control:

• Our attitude.
  

• Our behavior.
  

• Our responses.
  

• Our time management skills.
  

• Our health awareness.
  

• Our self-care.
  

And there are things we
cannot
control:

• Other people’s attitudes.
  

• Other people’s behaviors.
  

• Other people’s reactions.
  

• Surprising situations.
  

• Other people’s relationships.
  

• Encountering things that squick us.
  

• Activating phobias.
  

• The conference schedule.
  

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

Look at those for a moment. Being aware of what you can change and what you can’t can help you gain perspective and put the brakes on when things feel as though they may be spinning out of control.

Maintaining awareness of what you cannot control gives you room to truly focus on that which you can. You can become aware of managing your needs, wants and desires, and taking care of your physical and mental health. You can give yourself permission to be kind to yourself when you encounter that which you could not control, and you can let go of the belief that you “should” have been able to control that person, place or thing. Forgiving yourself is the first step towards forgiving others, and in turn helping build a great community for us to play in.

Managing Needs, Wants and Desires

As we have been discussing throughout this book, it is important to be aware of your needs, wants and desires. Doing so begins to bring to light our conscious and unconscious expectations, not only of the event, but of our partners, the community, and ourselves.

Some events do not live up to our expectations. And some events just fail. However, sometimes it’s our own attitude and expectations that cloud our own ability to see the forest for the trees. Consider adjusting your expectations to see if you can find some joy available in unexpected ways.

Bored? Make your own fun! Frustrated? Take a break from the event and come back. By taking some personal responsibility, you become more in control of your own destiny. To set yourself up for success, set your expectations in advance. Murphy’s Law can leap into effect at any kink event. By arriving with simple expectations, we have an opportunity to be pleasantly surprised when we get more.

Is it the Con Or Is It Me?

Are you having a bad week? Taxes getting you down? Dog died? Lost your job? Have a pimple? Maybe it’s not the conference, but your underlying concerns distracting you. And you know what? That’s okay. Honor your emotions and focus on what you need to do for you. For some that means facing their underlying issues; for others it is about diving fully into the con as a distraction.

One of the problems we may experience is based in the language we use. When we say “I
will
get flogged in the dungeon,” there is no space for other types of fun — so if our partner’s shoulder gets hurt or if we are out of energy and want to take a nap, we’ll feel like we’ve failed. Setting an intention that we want to play, connect with our partner(s), or just try something new allows for the flogging to turn into a caning, the kink scene to transform into excellent sex, or our public play to go private . . . without being let down. Consider for yourself whether planning in advance will help hype your happiness or detract from your delight.

As we mentioned in
Chapter 6
, pre-negotiating with yourself and your partners can really increase your chances for experiencing event excellence. However, when you are at a con and it sucks, it still just . . . sucks. You won’t like everyone, enjoy everything, or have fun with it all. There is some small comfort knowing that this is one of those Fucking Opportunities for Growth, and remembering that you’ve acquired new information to help you do it better next time. Going forward, you’ll know to tell your companion specifically about your expectations for play, advise your wingman that it frustrates you when you find yourself alone, or remind yourself to pack more toys. But right now you have to deal with . . . well, right now.

Remind yourself of your intentions! Hidden in there are probably the cores of your needs, wants and desires. Were you here to learn something new, but the classes let you down? Go to the dungeon and absorb a new technique by watching. Were you hoping to meet new people, but the mixers left you underwhelmed? Go volunteer in the hospitality suite and say hello to someone new. Wanted to buy a new toy and nothing caught your attention? Strike up a conversation in the social area with someone who has gear you think looks interesting, and ask them where they got theirs.

Con Drop and Con Crud

Two of the more typical challenges we face attending conferences are known as “con drop” and “con crud.” When we’re exposed to a weekend of new experiences, high energy, large numbers of people, and intimacy in all forms, and we’re pushing our bodies hard, it makes sense that our energy level might drop afterwards (con drop) or that we might get sick (con crud).

It is not unusual to experience sadness, or an abrupt emotional shift, at the end of an event or gathering. Sadness, uncertainty, nervousness and exhaustion are regularly reported forms of con drop — and it does not take a conference to get there. Munches, fetish balls and parties can have a “drop” afterwards as well.

The other regularly reported form of energetic drop is more of a hangover — feeling fuzzy, distracted, or lethargic. This can be a result of experiencing “highs” from adrenaline, endorphins and other body chemicals that have likely been cranked through your system. You were high, and now you are coming down.

If these experiences hit you, try to avoid layering on more judgment; it happens to many of us. And sometimes you won’t experience drop at all; you’ll roll off of the event feeling fine or even energized and on top of the world. There is nothing wrong with not experiencing a drop of any sort.

Caring for your body

Sometimes, you can’t avoid catching “that thing that’s going around,” or experiencing a feeling of let-down. However, some instances of con drop and con crud can be avoided with some preventive care. Caring for our bodies is profoundly important at events, because the sexual sports we engage in are ones that need us playing at our best. Some basic aspects of self-care can fall by the wayside amidst the intense excitement of experiencing a kink gathering.

Things you just gotta have include:

Water gets me wet.

• Water.
  Many of us become ill or lethargic because we are dehydrated and don’t know it. Playing hard produces sweat, which is our bodies losing water. Salivation takes water. Talking takes water. Hotels are closed systems, running on HV AC. These machines pull moisture from the air, resulting in a dry atmosphere within the hotel complex. And don’t get us started on the dehydration that happens while flying! Our bodies need fluids. Drinking water or hydrating beverages can seriously boost your overall health. Avoid alcohol, caffeine, and sugary drinks, as they can dehydrate you.
  

• Food.
  Our bod ies are high-performance machines, and deserve the best fuel possible if we expect optimum functionality. This means taking a serious look in advance at where and what you plan to eat at events. Do not pass up a meal for a chance to squeeze in that extra class or scene. It can also be easy to look at the time available or your budget and decide to live off fast food for the weekend. But the shock of greasy food to the system is rarely a perfect choice. Many hotels let you request a fridge in advance, or you can bring your own cooler with your own food.
  

  Consider food that is more than empty calories. If you are bringing potluck items to a party, you can be the one who brings protein, vegetables and other “real” food, not just a bag of chips. For an afternoon snack, a piece of fresh fruit or a cup of yogurt is probably better than an EPIC OMG SIZE SNICKERS. This choice can be tricky, as some events have been known to provision their hospitality suite as cheaply as possible, which often means food with low nutritive value.
  

  Feeling cranky, irritable, short-tempered? When was the last time you ate? If you’re playing until 4am, and haven’t eaten since 8pm, you have a higher chance of dropping, both during the scene and in the next few days. Many week-long play events that offer meal plans are moving to a four-meal-per-day model for just that reason. No matter how busy you are, having two balanced meals a day is strongly encouraged. It takes fuel to engage at full capacity.
  

• Sleep.
  No one becomes more rational or coherent when sleep-deprived. Sleep helps us re-invigorate, so that we are not walking around as the restless dead or as manic monsters who want to do it all. Try to schedule a good solid block of sleep time. And it isn’t a bad idea to carve out time for a power nap, or just an hour to lie down quietly and indulge in some relaxation.
  

  Re-invigorating may take other forms as well. Hitting the hotel gym, having a great conversation at 2AM in the lobby, having great sex or a hot, energized scene, taking time to read a chapter of a favorite book — these can all help us re-fuel our spirits.
  

• Medication.
  If you take medication, bring it with you and take it as prescribed. If you’re flying, never check it; always pack it in your carry-on. Call the hotel in advance to request a fridge if your medication must be refrigerated. Find ways to remind yourself to take your meds as you normally would, causing less shock to your system. This includes mental health medication — just because you feel really excellent at an event is not a reason to go off your regimen. Doing so can lead to repercussions that ripple out far beyond the end of the con.
  

• For many, following medical advice also means adhering to a nutritional system. Remember, every restaurant might not have provisions for gluten-free ovo-lacto vegetarians with diverticulitis. Call ahead, ask around, and bring what you need to keep yourself safe and healthy.
  

• Sick already?
  If you are sick with a communicable illness, please think twice, or four times, before coming to the event. Being ill sets you up for getting even sicker as you stress your body further. It also puts everyone else at the event at risk for getting what you have. If you have something that isn’t contagious, consider consulting a physician about what course of action is best for your specific case.
  

  If you’re really sick, contact the event producers to see what their policy is on cancellations due to illness. Those with major illnesses or major life crises will often be able to get a partial refund or credit towards the next event. This is especially true if it means not bringing your contagious bug to the con.
  

• Exercise.
  BDSM is hard on the body — it is an extreme sport and deserves its own workout regimen. The most common injuries in the kink community are accidental ones — rotator cuffs torn by people throwing floggers, strained muscles from strenuous bondage poses. This means that we must stretch before and after we play, and work our way up to being fit for this play.
  

  Stretching can take many forms, whether you are a top or bottom. Dancing, yoga, and making out can all help warm up our bodies to make us fit to fuck. Classical stretching can be done as a partnered exercise, or can be done individually. Many of us work full-time jobs in front of computers, and going from that straight into play on Friday night can lead to serious shock to the system.
  

  Beyond stretching, it is important to be fit in general. Every type of body is beautiful, and using that body to its optimum capacity is important. By physically “ramping up” for the big event ahead of time, we are better prepared for the adventure ahead. When we move from a couch potato lifestyle straight into three days of intense whips, chains and six-inch heels, unintended injury is much more likely.