Playing Well With Others (34 page)

• Don’t touch.
  If it’s not yours, don’t touch it. This includes:
  

• -  Toys.
  If someone else brought it, or if it belongs to the party hosts/venue, ask before touching it, picking it up, or using it. It may have specific rules, be expensive, or have sentimental value. It is also not yours, so ask.
  

• -  People.
  A slave in collar and chains, a dominant in a pair of sexy boots, or a human pony in its corral have not granted you permission to touch them. Ask them, ask someone who knows them, ask their handler/owner . . . don’t just assume it is okay unless you have been granted explicit permission.
  

• -  Atmosphere.
  Do not attempt to change the lighting or music, or move dungeon furniture. If you would like them adjusted or altered, please talk to a host or DM. The music or piece of equipment may be there for a reason.
  

• -  Mobility Devices.
  Don’t “help” move someone’s crutches “out of the way” or move their wheelchair for them while they are in it, without explicitly asking first and then waiting for an affirmative response.
  

  If someone touches your stuff, have compassion the first time. They might be excited, or genuinely clueless. They probably aren’t deliberately trying to piss you off. Calmly explain why the behavior was inappropriate, and give them room to apologize. Compassion, however only needs to go so far — do not tolerate someone taking advantage of you, your partners, your stuff, or your generosity.
  

You don’t have to play.

Not everyone plays in dungeons, sexually or with BDSM. It is perfectly okay at most play parties to dress up, show up, watch, and take that energy home. Just because you’re not an exhibitionist does not mean you’re not a pervert. Don’t worry; parties that require all attendees to play or get involved should state this clearly in advance.

Reach out

If you need assistance, are confused, or are concerned about something, do not be afraid to reach out and ask someone. Whether this is a host, DM, or fellow partygoer, most folks at kink parties are happy to answer questions in the social area, or very quietly and unobtrusively in the dungeon. You might find out that that “edgy” scene is how that couple always plays, that the party is running later tonight, or that in sharing your overall interest you can make new friends.

• Don’t interrupt.
  If anyone or anything seems not-okay, tell a DM or host immediately, identifying your specific question or concern. Interrupting a scene in progress yourself or cutting your way into conversations is rarely appreciated. The play space is not for idle conversation and chit-chat. Nor is it the place to be critiquing or applauding the scene. If you’re not in a scene, keep quiet or take it to the social area.
  

  There may be occasional scenes that openly invite audience interaction, such as cheering on participants at the kinky dodgeball game, or poking fun at the boy in the dunce cap. Even so, be aware of your surroundings. And if you find yourself upset at the level of noise in a space, take your concerns to the DMs, the spotter (ideally all large audience interactive scenes should have a liaison/spotter for the audience), or an audience member, to see if a middle ground can be reached. They are not having fun just to upset you. With some negotiation and compromise, we can often find a middle ground, rather than suppress the joy of others.
  

  Interruptions can also come from crowding a scene. Be aware of your proximity to the scenes of others. Some parties are more crowded than others, but you can try your best. If you are asked to give more room, give it if possible. If you are playing at the crowded party, be thoughtful of others. Extreme screaming, excessive whip cracking, or other continuous jarring noises and visuals that outstrip the general “level” of the party are also forms of inter-scene interruptions. If your play will be loud, hyper-creative, unusual, or potentially a squick, it’s best to clear it with the host or DM in advance.
  

• Avoid gawking.
  Kink parties provide excellent people-watching opportunities, but there is a distinct difference between respectful voyeurism and leering and ogling. The role of the voyeur is incredibly important in our community — without the voyeur, what would become of the exhibitionist? The voyeur lends their energy to the work we do and play in which we engage. They can hold space as witnesses who will remember and retell a scene for us or in our honor, hold an empathetic energy for those experiencing ordeals, or in some cases be the aftercare person for the top or bottom.
  

  Think of the energy being projected from the scene as a meal being shared between friends. If you have been handed a plate, or there are appetizers set out for the party, feel free to nibble. If you are going over to the main plates and eating handfuls, or reaching across the table to eat off someone else’s plate, this is rude. Become aware of your table manners while feasting your eyes on the bounty of kinky delights.
  

• Take turns.
  A
  finite amount of equipment is available in play spaces. Thus, keep track of how long you have been on that spanking bench. As the top, rigger, or scene coordinator, remain sufficiently aware of your surroundings to see if anyone else is queued up and waiting for your station. Even in large play spaces, limit your sprawl; it is considered particularly rude to have your stuff laid out all across the adjacent area. If you have an extensive amount of equipment, bring your own “flogger rack” or small folding table — or ask if the party hosts have one you can borrow. Once your scene is done, take the aftercare elsewhere as soon as possible if anyone is waiting for that space.
  

• Leave your valuables at home.
  Just like at the airport, you are responsible for your own baggage. If you don’t need it at the dungeon, don’t bring it. Keep your play bag nearby, and don’t forget your stuff — though most parties have lost and found areas near registration or in a back closet of some sort, it is best not to get known for being “that person.” Keep your equipment simple, and don’t lose your wallet because you are high on endorphins from playing.
  

• Clean up after yourself.
  Your mother is probably not here at the party, and if she is, hopefully she’s busy getting busy. It is a good idea to clean up before you play and after you play: the “Leave No Trace” ethos is an excellent one when navigating kink space. Before you play, locate the cleanup gear and safer sex supplies, wipe down equipment, and put down tarps, towels or disposable chux. For example: if you’re doing anything with needles or disposable blades, you’ll need to secure a sharps container, move it with gloved hands, renew and refresh the gloves each time you change surfaces and during handling of the container itself. This makes for a whole lotta trash! If you know there will be a lot of disposables in your scene, have an appropriate receptacle nearby for those gloves, lube packets, condom wrappers, etc, etc.
  

  As you play, stay aware of body fluids that need to be contained. Stringently avoid getting anyone’s fluids on carpets or furniture — unplanned contact with someone else’s bodily runoff is uncool. You might be fluid bonded to your partner, but getting their effluent on your hands and then touching gear, or a door handle, or someone else’s hand is a vector for transmitting all kinds of bugs, and the other folks at the party did not consent to that level of intimacy.
  

  After you play, clean up any body fluids that did manage to get outside of containment, and then clean your hands. No one should have to clean up after you. If you are nude and not playing, travel with a towel or sarong to sit on seats. Having your bare butt where other bare butts may then go is poor etiquette.
  

  Be thoughtful of the space and everyone there. Think to yourself, would it be okay if someone did that in my house? Would I appreciate if they asked first? A play space is someone’s home, if only for a night — therefore we all try to leave the venue in a condition as good as or better than we found it, and respect the space overall.
  

By now, you have probably been dreaming up a wide array of things you might want to do in dungeons, sex clubs, temple spaces and more. So let’s next look into connecting with our partners (or would-be partners) and manifesting our fancies, whims and deepest desires!

Chapter 9

Wanna Do Some Stuff? Negotiating For Play

W
HAT SETS BDSM APART
from other forms of sexual interaction is its focus on negotiation and consent. A lot of what we do can look pretty scary, but behind the whips and chains is a mutual desire for pleasure and fulfillment. We get to that fulfillment by plumbing the depths of our desires, coming to terms with our longings, and navigating our way to our fantasies.

The concept of negotiation is one of the things that make kink a radical sexual model. We strive for emotional transparency — clear expression of our needs, wants and desires — rather than expecting our partner to be psychic and “just know what we want.” Negotiation can take place before we’ve even met with a potential partner, during an event as we meet new people and learn new things, or after a scene, based on the inspirations we’ve received. In fact, negotiation can (and should!) take place before we’ve interacted with anyone else at all.

Who To Negotiate With

Ourselves

Before we begin to share our desires with anyone else, it is important to consider those desires for ourselves. Ruminate on the following questions, and be honest with yourself about why you want to play with this person, engage in this activity, and do so at this specific time:

• Are you doing this type of play for yourself, or someone else?
  

• Are you ready for this?
  

• Do you want to play with this particular person, or simply experience a particular type of play?
  

• Why do you want to play with this particular person or experience this type of play?
  

• Why do you want to play now?
  

• If you want to play with this particular individual, would you be okay with a range of playstyles? How about sitting down for a cup of coffee with them?
  

• If you want to engage in this specific style of play, how important is your connection with the person playing with you?
  

• Do you know this person well enough to play with them?
  

• Do you understand this type of play well enough to engage in it?
  

For most of us, the answers to all of these questions will shift over time. This is because our desires change over time as we gain experience and learn new things — about ourselves, our play partners, our kinks. Sometimes we want to play simply to experience sensory input. Other times we want the high of a new or exciting physical adventure. Alternately, we might also crave emotional vulnerability and radical connection.

Self-awareness stands us in good stead when it comes to our negotiations with others. For additional points to ponder for self-evaluation, make sure to look back at
Chapter 6
for more questions before you go to an event, which also apply to before you negotiate.

There are many ways to approach this self-exploration. For many it is helpful to ask ourselves these questions in a private journal, or sitting alone and meditating on our thoughts. Other folks are more extroverted in their contemplation. You might consider bouncing some thoughts off a kinky friend or an ally on the Internet who can bring some objectivity. Make it clear that you aren’t looking for problem-solving or personal opinions. Letting them know you just need to feel safe and have that unconditional support will create a context wherein you can see how your thoughts resonate.