Playing Well With Others (29 page)

I’m personally aware of what judgmental behaviors can do to those within the kink community. Because of some of the scenes I have pursued that involve controversial topics and behaviors, I have been ostracized, threatened with violence, called names, lost friends and been told I was mentally ill. Keep in mind, these were all other self-identified kinksters, leather-folk and fetishists. It took years of personal work to get myself past the impact of those judgments.

Judgmental behavior

Belittling, berating or bashing others for their choices, judging scenes we don’t personally enjoy or agree with, being “snarky” about a book or event, behaving rudely to someone based on how they dress, saying that someone is not a “real slave/ master/whatever” . . . the kink community has a surprising amount of judgment for a group of individuals acting on desires that have been judged by the world at large.

One common form of judgment is based on how “real” we think a person is in their kink journey. Do they use their legal name, does their profile have a face shot, do they play in public? “When requesting detailed information about someone, consider your approach. “You have no picture up on your profile, prove to me you are not a liar/evil person/predator” is less likely to yield a positive outcome than “Hi, I noticed you had no image up on your profile, and I prefer to make sure that I engage with individuals who are known in the community. Do you have any references?”

Another pervasive form of often unnoticed judgmental behavior you may discover in the kink community is self-judgment. When we worry that we made bad choices in the past, or constantly put down our current desires and interests, we sow the seeds for us putting down others as well. Self-judgment can make it very easy for us to project our own perceived issues onto others. Focusing on our experiences, both wonderful and challenging, should be part of our journey; it will help alleviate the impulse to judge ourselves and, in turn, others.

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

A phrase popularized within the polyamory community, “new relationship energy” (NRE) is the rush of “falling” for someone, when we are first enjoying someone’s presence, connection, and newness. Some see it as loving how we look in our new lover’s eyes, while others see it as a “high” that can leave our thinking hazy from the rush of emotions. This is often considered the reason so many people get “stupid in love.” NRE does not apply solely to romantic or sexual relationships; new relationship energy can also apply to group memberships, teacher/student dynamics, and more.

NRE becomes a challenge when the new rush becomes an addiction. The new partner becomes the one that gets all the “good stuff,” while the partner already in place gets to deal with nothing but the bills and your sore back. Or the new relationship becomes a focus of obsession, displacing not only the original relationship(s) but other pre-established commitments and obligations. New emotions and experiences can be mistaken for deep intimacy and profound connection, or can feel like a path that must be explored at all costs.

Of course, there are also times when NRE may in fact be indicative of having fallen in love, newfound intimacy, or a new and wonderful path. You may be challenged by encountering these emotions when you were “just” looking for someone to play with. This can be especially true if the feelings are not mutual. Other involved parties may be concerned about how fast the NRE has appeared, fearing that you may be making irrational decisions. If you’re experiencing NRE, this might be a good time to have a sounding board — someone you trust who might be able to give a more objective view on the blissful glow you’re feeling.

Physical Pitfalls

Pushing our bodies

For many, kink is a chance to fully inhabit our bodies and push them to the max. Extreme clothing, intense physical activities and edgy sexual energy can lead to startling heights of ecstasy . . . and injuries. Torn rotator cuffs, sprained ankles, dislocated wrists and nerve damage are just the tip of the iceberg when we push our bodies too far. Top, bottom or switch, no one is immune. And, in the rare worst case scenario, poor judgment around what a body can take, technical errors, or poor decision-making occasionally lead to kinky sex becoming a deadly affair.

Few of us are at our optimum fitness level. For those who work day jobs at computers, live with complex medical realities, or who just don’t get as much exercise as often as we’d like, the impact on our bodies can be severe. Any workout without a warm-up increases the potential for injury. We should approach BDSM as a full-contact sport; respect your body by staying healthy, stretching in advance, eating well, staying hydrated, and making sure to cool down afterward.

Our bodies aren’t the only problem when hardcore exertion goes too far. The mind can only absorb so much sensory input. Frayed nerves, anxiety around being “the bad guy” in a heavy scene, or post-scene emotional meltdowns can be consequences of playing with such highly charged energies. During play in public kink spaces, people’s egos may be on the line; they may feel the need to prove to themselves or to onlookers that they can do more, take more, and be more hardcore — physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Consciously pushing ourselves may be a positive goal, but accidental harm is not. Neither is maintaining expectations that are beyond your capacities. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stop a scene when we feel we’ve had enough. It often seems like people believe they must take all that they possibly can, and then just a little more. Live within your boundaries, and act in your own best interests: self-care is critical.

Lack of spatial awareness

In
Chapter 8
we will be discussing play spaces, dungeons and other erotic arenas. One of the physical challenges that can come up in those venues is a lack of awareness of the environment. People may use play equipment as a staging area, individuals may walk though scene spaces and into the “back-swing” of a whip, curious onlookers may ask questions of players in the middle of scenes, and more.

Public kink venues are radical arenas where individuals can come together to create space where fantasy can become reality. At some kink events, several hundred people may be playing in the same dungeon. This close proximity requires that everyone remain aware of their environment, lest they become intrusive or disruptive. Things like excessively loud scenes that distract other players, conversations about non-kink topics near folks in scene, or DMs curtly asking a couple in the midst of aftercare if a space is available can be very jarring.

If you are on the receiving end of disruptive or invasive behaviors, try to give people the benefit of the doubt while informing them that you do need space, less noise, or whatnot — and coming to a mutual agreement between all parties so that all can play well together.

Voyeurs without borders

Watching others engaging in hot scenes is a reason many people go to public play spaces. For those who enjoy public play, it can be invigorating to feel the energy surging through the assembled onlookers. Enjoying freely given energy is one thing; leering, egging folks on, shouting “encouragement,” getting too close physically, or trying to become a part of other people’s scenes without consent is another, and is not appropriate.

Even if you’re only part of the kink community for a single weekend, it’s important to keep your voyeurism respectful. Look around the venue to see how much space folks give to the people actively scening — are they sitting in a social area, standing ten feet from a scene, or are they up close but not touching? How quiet are voyeurs in this venue? Take the cues from those around you, or if in doubt, ask someone who is not in a scene or doing aftercare.

Exhibitionists

The flip side of the coin to voyeurism is exhibitionism — showing off, strutting your stuff, and being seen and appreciated. There can be a delicious rush to having many eyes on you, knowing that they are relishing your scene — exhibitionism is one of many reasons people choose to do kink in public. However, forcing others into a scene with you to feed your exhibitionism is not consensual. Check your intentions and behavior.

Not everyone who plays in public is an exhibitionist. Some may be there to use the equipment, for reasons of personal security (perhaps they are playing with someone new and want the safety net of event space and DMs), or because the walls at home are thin. Assuming that everyone is an exhibitionist, or voyeur, is a form of projection.

Social Snares

Acting self-important

When we are navigating a world of sexual fantasy and power exchange dynamics, inflated egos may arise. Healthy self-esteem is vital, but behaviors that include denigrating or belittling others, over-inflating our accomplishments, elitism, and excessive snobbery in order to feel powerful are not healthy ways to bolster self-esteem.

Self-importance can also be seen in high-profile community members, people who have been around for a while and claim seniority and who demand special treatment, and among individuals and leather families who claim areas of clubs as “theirs” (unless, of course, they own the club).

Self-deprecation

When we operate from a place of low self-esteem, or are projecting ourselves into the world from a place of worthlessness, exploring kinky community and events can be dangerous. Not only are individuals coming from a place of self-deprecation more likely to make poor choices, they often do not respect their own limits, boundaries and desires.

Power exchange relationships are called that for a reason. You must own your own personal power, and have pride in it, before you start messing around with the give-and-take of power and sexual energy.

Fantasy or Fact?

You may hear fantastic or outrageous stories of people’s lives and journeys in the kink community. Some of them may be true, some may contain truths, and some of them may not be true at all. Ask yourself, “How does this impact me? Is their story causing harm?” If their journey does not resonate with you, feel free to disengage, or engage at the level to which you feel most comfortable. Whether or not they are in fact the sixth reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of sexual enlightenment may not have anything to do with whether you can learn good breathing and pain processing techniques from them.

Being shy is fine and dandy. Self-deprecation and self-hatred are not. If your pattern is to constantly put yourself down, consider taking a step back and assessing how ready you are to engage in this lifestyle. Being unable to speak up for your own concerns is a real issue when engaging in BDSM: all partners need to be able to express their physical and mental state at any given moment.

Exaggerating knowledge/history

When we pretend to know what we do not, we put people at real risk. If we say our bodies can take two hours of punching when we have never before received a body blow, we are setting ourselves up for potential harm. If we say that we know how to safely do a complex piercing scene, and we do not know how to insert needles safely, we not only risk our partner’s health but our own (contamination is a risk for bottoms and tops alike). Broken bones, nerve damage, psychological trauma and more are real concerns in some forms of play, and lying about our capacity has real consequences.

Some individuals say they have done things, been places, or had experiences within kink community and culture that they have not. Sometimes these start out as little white lies to hedge against seeming “too green,” but the white lies can get out control. By “donning borrowed leathers,” they set themselves up as an authority or elder, when they in fact have far less lifestyle experience than they claim.

For this reason, asking for references is part of some kink cultures. Asking about a potential playmate’s previous partners, talking with their friends, watching them play, and simply taking the time to get to know someone are great ways to protect yourself. Not everyone who talks the talk can walk the walk, and just because someone owns a toy does not mean that they know how to use it.