Playing Well With Others (24 page)

Be honest about what will work in your relationship. not just what you think will be most comfortable in the short term, or easier in the long term. And when we say relationships, we don’t just mean the people you are dating. Who do you feel you need to negotiate this event or kink community encounter with? Your answer list may be short, or very lengthy, depending on the networks you are already part of.

If someone asks to negotiate with you, remember to actually listen to what they are saying — not what you want them to be saying, or what your inner demons are twisting their words into saying. Consider using a tool like repeating concepts back in your own words to make sure you understand what they are sharing. If moments of judgment arise internally, what is bringing them up? Are you finding a “button” of yours that they have hit? Perhaps they are saying they want to spank you . . . and your subconscious mind says that “good men don’t hit women.” Instead of saying “You’re sick,” consider words like “I feel uncomfortable being spanked because I was told that men should never hit women.” “You” statements can alienate, while “I” statements are your own truth, not projections, and can thus help folks listen to each other with more ease.

Budgets

The next framework that needs to be set in advance is your budget. How much money can you spend while at the event? Many folks figure out that they can afford entry to the event. But once they’ve made that commitment, suddenly need that one new toy, that one new outfit for the Saturday party, and heck, let’s go to the nicest restaurant around too and get the bottle of wine and . . . and suddenly they’ve spent three times more than they said they would.

If the big weekend event will be a splurge, set that framework in advance. If you have to be aware of the budget, be honest with yourself up front. This includes setting up your shopping budget in advance — because, let’s be honest, you’ll probably want to get something while you’re there. Events let us support our own vendors, plus you get to try everything on before buying it, and you can order custom items.

We have seen individuals who wander the vendor area first and then debate what to buy, Others leave their wallets in their rooms except for $40. Some listen to their gut reaction and do extravagant shopping, and have included that joyful experience into their pre-event planning. Others plan a set amount that they can enjoy going crazy with, and enjoy getting creative with what they can afford.

Physical limits, needs, wants and desires

Before we can go to an event, we also need to set for ourselves the frameworks of our physical limits, needs, wants and desires. This will include issues like the amount of sleep we need to be functional, the kind of marks we can come home with, or our desire to have a group of folks hold us down and kiss us.

Listen to your body’s wisdom; it is aware of what it needs, wants and desires. However, our conscious mind is needed as well, for building healthy limits in advance. Remember, just because your body might enjoy something in the moment does not mean it is a good idea. Consider who else will be affected by your choices. Will those marks affect your work in the default world, or that night of hot nookie send you home to your spouse with an STI? Will that weekend of crazy interactions have you coming home exhausted and unable to work on Monday?

Thinking about these issues in advance will help plant the seed for living responsibly when the kink event comes around. In the case of STDs/STIs, this includes reading the STI Awareness section of
Appendix 4E
, and becoming aware of your own pre-existing health concerns. And remember, different bodies have different realities: for example, different skin types mark differently; “cell popping” is not always in fact “temporary branding” . . . but is in fact straight-up branding if you keloid (quite likely if, for example, you are of African descent).

Emotional limits, needs, wants and desires

In addition to the considerations to meet your physical needs, it’s important to plan for your emotional needs as well. How much attention from your lover do you think you’ll need to feel connected? How much time will you need alone? Are there specific people who you know will be a drain on your energy? Do you really want to challenge yourself to flirt with someone new? Brainstorm these things in advance!

Time

The day only has 24 hours, and there’s so much to do! Consider ahead of time how much sleep you will need, the time it will take to eat, shower, and get dressed, and, of course, the time needed for that impromptu conversation that may change your life. There will be other events, you don’t need to do it all at once. Consider whether your top priority should be quantity or quality.

I veer between wanting hours of connection, lots of interaction, and loads of play - to wanting to hole up in my room and watch Discovery Channel. (If it’s “Shark Week,” you won’t see me all night.) I learned that going with the flow is the best way to get my emotional needs met. It is just as OK to relax in a hot bath at the end of a busy day as it is to shut the dungeon down in the wee hours of the morning. Only you can decide what you need!

Energetic capacity

We each have an internal battery. Some things fuel us, and some things drain us. Sometimes, the drain is worth it, and sometimes the fuel comes with strings attached. Becoming aware of our own energetic capacity, and what fuels and drains us, can help us budget our energy at kink events.

Your energetic capacity will also help you figure out how much to do in one weekend. Some folks will want to jump in and try new, exciting play. When people try out a new kink activity, it is referred to as “popping a cherry.” Some people have the energetic capacity for a single round of cherry-popping, wanting the time to process it afterwards, while other folks are fans of trying thirty new things in a veritable “cherries jubilee.” Knowing yourself can help you decide what amount of experimentation, if any, will bring you joy.

I love sexy flirtation at 2AM - in fact, it will “fuel” me more than that extra hour of sleep. Knowing that about myself means that I can make judgment calls that will have me feeling happy the next day.

Pre-Event Preparation

Okay, so you’ve set your frameworks, you have a handle on your wants and needs, and you’ve selected the event you want to attend. You figured out your travel plans, you have tickets in hand (or have checked and verified that you can get the tickets at the door), and you are packed. No? Well, go back and look at
Chapter 4
again and figure out your budget, your plans for getting there, and what you’re packing. Once you know those, you can then begin the preparation for the actual event.

Styles of event attendance

You can choose from many ways to attend the event. That process begins when you buy your tickets. Do you like to purchase them months in advance, and pride yourself on being registrant 13? Do you prefer to grab your tickets at the door, and don’t like to go to events that require pre-reg? Then comes the packing issue — do you start packing weeks in advance, making packing lists, or are you more likely to throw together a bag fifteen minutes before leaving? Listen to your body as you read these options — which ones make you feel uncomfortable? If your body says it’s a bad idea, consider listening to that wisdom. Maybe you will be more relaxed if you can pack a few days in advance, or have a checklist — even if your partner is a spur-of-the-moment person.

A prediction: you will forget something. Make a list, check it twice, but be kind to yourself when you realize you left your favorite set of footwear at home.

Consider as well your travel plans — do you buy airfare far in advance and have three different printouts in two locations on how you will get there, or do you like to hop in the car and take your chances on getting lost in traffic? There’s no one right way, but there is very likely a right way for you.

Once you are at the event itself, what style of attendee are you? Do you want to . . .

• Book in all the play that can fit in one event.
  

• Get lots of sleep each night, with everything else coming second.
  

• Attend every class possible.
  

• Sample a few classes by different teachers.
  

• Try classes on a variety of topics.
  

• See what “feels right” in the spur of the moment.
  

• Follow a track of programming, perhaps going to every bondage class and watching every bondage scene in the dungeon.
  

• Hang out with your partner; everything else is bonus.
  

• Be a wallflower and watch from the sidelines.
  

• Converse with friends, happily skipping classes or play time.
  

• Relax by the pool in fetishwear.
  

• No sleep ’till Brooklyn!
  

If you know you’re going to chill and relax, you may want to pack an extra book and flip-flops. Meanwhile, if you know you are going to attend every class possible, you can look at the program in advance, print it out, highlight the classes and events you are going to attend, and bring the gear needed. If you’re there mostly for the play, you may want to fill your dance card in advance and show up with a trunk full of toys.

Even if you think you know what style of attendee you are, we recommend being open to unexpected developments. You might plan to attend twelve classes in one weekend, only to have your body inform you it needs sleep. Perhaps those play dates will fall through and you’ll find unexpected joy watching someone else’s hot scene. Being fluid with expectations enables you to have fun even when things don’t go as planned.

Setting intentions

Why are you going to this thing again? Go back to
Chapters 1
and 3 and reexamine the question. If you’re here to make long-lasting friendships in the kink community, why are you worrying about making it to every single class slot?

Does your intention match the event, or are you going to an all-ages event looking to get anally fisted? And if the event doesn’t match your goals, and you are going anyway, can you adjust your intentions and goals? Perhaps you can find some different joy or learning from this experience.

Consider, as well, any conflicts in your expectations. Perhaps you told your partner that your goal is to play with them, while telling your best friend that you would take a class and bring them back notes. If the class and the play date are at the same time, you have a challenge.

All the physical stuff

Pre-event prep also includes preparing your body. If you know you’ll be doing heavy scenes, consider stretching and working out in advance to build up your body’s capacity. Check in with your doctor in advance: how is your heart doing? What is your overall fitness and health, and are you ready to play at the level you desire?

Preparing your body also includes being aware of pre-existing illnesses. Don’t bring the “con crud” (the cold or flu that passes like wildfire around a place where people are laughing, hugging, kissing and breathing heavily) with you to the event. Check out
Chapter 10
for tips on how to avoid catching it yourself.

Prep For Relationships

Hi there, single person, person not in relationship, non-dating or not-engaging-in-kink-with-your-partner person! We know this section says “Prep For Relationships” . . . but that also includes your relationship with yourself. So we encourage you to give it a glance, at least . . . many of the ideas apply to your relationship with yourself.