Playing Well With Others (23 page)

If you are a dominant, and that’s your only identification, great. Or maybe you’re a bottom and have no desire to play on the other side of the whip. Some folks are switches, and will have profiles that express this. And there are other people who will create multiple profiles depending on what sort of partner they seek. It’s all OK. You might have a profile that puts your top side forward, and another that is more reflective of your desires to bottom. If you are bisexual, pansexual or queer, having multiple profiles that appeal to different people on the gender spectrum may well increase your chances for making a successful match.

Profile pictures

Many people are intensely visually focused, so having an image on your profile is an excellent way to catch the attention of those who will be checking you out. Providing a good photo will increase views to your profile, especially on dating sites, where people will often filter out those without pictures.

The photo does not have to be of your face, though many people have tasteful headshots as their profile picture. There are also those who never put their face on their kink profiles for reasons of personal security or concerns about outing, or simply because they just don’t want to. The image might be a hand holding a whip, a collared neck, a spicy photo of your favorite pair of boots, pictures of your favorite toys, a piece of inspiring artwork, or a humorous image that grabs people’s attention. Some individuals post images of their genitals as their primary profile picture — something that really appeals to one part of the population but is a huge turnoff for other parts of it. Be aware of who you wish to attract, and post accordingly.

Beyond your primary profile image, most folks also post additional photos to their profile. No matter how many pictures you post, make sure that you are not misrepresenting yourself by saying that the picture you took off the internet is in fact a picture of you, or your artistic work. Credit needs to be given where credit is due, listing the name of the artist, model, or image source if it is not your intellectual property. If you do not know who took it or is in it, say something like “I found this sexy image online” in the description, rather than saying “this is my slave girl” if in fact you’ve never met the young lady.

Many social media sites enable you to add “friends.” Some folks are gleeful collectors, while others only add people they know in real time. It is a courteous gesture to drop a note to someone you’d like to add as a friend, say hi, and ask to connect online. And if, for some reason, they decline, just move on. Everyone has the right to choose how they move through the online universe. And you have the same responsibility to yourself! Make sure you know who you will and will not add as “friends,” and you’ll optimize your experience.

Social media awareness

Be aware of the fact that the footprints you leave on the Internet are there to stay. Despite security and disclaimers and the best intentions of the vast majority of people online, there is always a risk that your images and words will wind up outside your intended location. And once your kinky genie is out of the bottle, there’s no turning back. Search engines have long and detailed memory, and photographic recognition software can perform amazing feats of detection.

In addition to the kinky folks with whom you share a common interest, there may be others lurking about — those who are simply curious, people doing research on alternative sexuality, or people with malicious intent.

What if, for example, you post about the hot scene you had last weekend on your micro-blogging site, which cross-posts to your favorite non-kink social networking site, and your boss spots it? You might hit on some unexpected consequences. Networking with other kinky folks could compromise your privacy as well, even if you aren’t the one posting photos of a gorgeous singletail whip.

This isn’t to say you should freak out. This is to say that you should take your time, and think carefully. You can always share more, once you are comfortable and know what you are doing. But an impetuous rush to share isn’t something you can undo.

A more discreet, separate profile, not affiliated with or linked to your main online presence, can be a great way to start learning what level of disclosure is right for you.

Communication styles

Subcultures usually come with their own protocols for communicating, and the kink communities are chock-full of specialized language and methods for signaling your chosen role. These tags, handles, and non-standard approaches to language can seem confusing. Some folks treat these as inviolate rules, while others seem them as silly online posturing. There will be those who want to type all in lower case letters (“my name is bob”), type all in upper case letters (“MY NAME IS BOB”), refer to themselves in the third person (“this slave is unworthy to be called bob”), or will want to address honorifics and diminutives simultaneously (“G/greetings to Y/you from slave bob”) . . . the variety of approaches is astounding. One thing is for sure: when uncertain, respectful communication using standard, default grammatical guidelines is always a good fallback.

Lasting Connections

When you plunge headlong into this new world, it can be easy to feel as though you have to start all over again, building friendships and relationships, finding new ways of interconnecting. But a great deal of what works well in the default world works well the kink communities. It can be tempting to meet new kinky friends and want to plunge headlong into discussions about kink, to exchange stories, to see if they might be able to fulfill that hot fantasy you’ve kept hidden away for all those long years. And this is an understandable impulse, but it’s a good idea to remember that you are still dealing with people, and people are more than a catalog of fetishes.

Getting to know folks in the kink community is a process — trust needs to be built. Compatibility must be determined. Common interests must be established. And limiting yourself, your discussion and your interactions to what you can get out of the person with whom you are dealing will cut you off from some potentially deep and wonderful interactions.

When we’re asked, “How do I get to know more kinksters?” we encourage people to think about successful relationships they’d built prior to exploring kink. When you met someone you found interesting, you conversed, exchanged ideas, spent time together, and got to know them. And this is an excellent strategy for building a solid network of pervy friends as well.

It is tempting and seductive to hook up with people because you have a common kink. And this may be terrific while you are engaging in that kink. But if you desire an ongoing relationship, seeking out shared interests and commonalities will help to build long-lived relationships.

As you get to know people, be aware that not everyone will be your best friend. In much the same way as we have varying levels of social interaction within our lives outside of kink, we will find that different people meet different needs in different areas of our lives in kink. You might have someone you connect with monthly at a munch, or acquaintances you see once a year at a big national conference. You may have emotionally intimate connections online: people with whom you exchange endless rounds of emails and spend countless hours chatting together, but may never meet in person. Or you may make a lifelong connection of the heart and soul in one night. All of these interactions are valuable, and each has its place. Respecting the role each of these plays in your life is the foundation of your interpersonal network, and keeping it strong will give you good grounding going forward.

Shit happens, deal with it gracefully

Of course, not everything is going to be hunky dory. As in any social milieu, there will be stress, drama, bullshit, gossip, infighting, backstabbing and difficulty. Microcosm, not utopia, remember? We aren’t here to sell you on a bill of goods that everyone gathers around the spanking bench at the end of the party and soulfully sings a few rounds of “Kumbaya.” Having reasonable expectations is one of the keys to successfully navigating these waters. In
Chapter 7
we will be exploring the variety of emotional traps, physical pitfalls, and social snares that you are likely to encounter.

Practicing open, honest and straightforward communication is good business for everyone. This does not mean doing everything in your power to avoid conflict, but building well-rounded communication in all directions without building resentment. Working with grace in your casual interactions and friendships means you are constantly working on the muscles that will help you be a clear, open and honest communicator in your more intimate relationships. “Conflict is opportunity” is a motto both authors work from: an opportunity to grow, to gain knowledge, wisdom and experience, and to bolster our ability to be well-balanced perverts.

Chapter 6

But It Followed Me Home!: Pre-Event Negotiation And Planning

W
E’VE HEARD IT
time and time again . . . sometimes from our own lips. How could that have happened, that thing, that experience that we didn’t want? Often, it’s pretty simple. We didn’t set systems in advance or stick to them.

This concept applies broadly. Whether we are talking about coming home with an unplanned purchase, a new partner (when we were trying to be monogamous), or a sexually transmitted disease . . . it can follow us home if we don’t do any pre-event negotiation or planning. Or, of course, if we set those limits and don’t listen to our own stated intentions, desires, and needs — what was the point?

Setting Frameworks Before You Go

The first part of this process begins by setting frameworks before we go to the event. This means sitting down and thinking about the potential concerns and joys alike, in advance. By running ourselves through what could come down the pipeline, we can begin brainstorming our reactions, our desires, our motives, and how to have our greatest possible success.

Negotiation and authenticity

In the kink community, you will hear the word “negotiation” batted around a lot. Negotiate before you play, negotiate for your desires, negotiate the structure of your relationship. It has been said that this is what makes kink relationships and sex different from those in the default world — that instead of assuming we know how to pleasure our partners, we have discussions to find out what our partners actually desire.

There are many different approaches to negotiation (explored in further depth in
Chapter 9
).
W
hat often gets left out of the repeated mantra of “negotiate, negotiate, negotiate,” is that negotiation starts internally: you talk to yourself first. Many different tools are available: you could journal, read books, take notes, work with a therapist, have a long talk with a best friend or an anonymous human on the Internet.

Here are some of the things you might wish to negotiate with yourself:

• W
  hy do you want to go to this event?
  

• W
  ho are you hoping to interact with?
  

• W
  hat do you hope to get out of the encounter?
  

• Are there specific types of individuals or activities you are drawn to? Not drawn to?
  

Consider looking at
Appendix 3
(especially the Long Kink Questionnaire) as a place to start brainstorming your turn-ons and your turn-offs. Consider what genders of individuals you want to play with, what styles of relationships resonate for you, and what your body calls for.

Whatever tool you use for examining your desires, take a long hard look at your motives . . . and we don’t mean what you “should” be motivated by or drawn to. Cut the bullshit and really look at what you are going after. It’s a bad idea to tell your friend you’re looking for a one-night stand when underneath you are called to a lifetime love affair. Are you really longing to be in an open relationship, or are you doing it to placate your partner? Is this 24/7 slavery thing calling to you, or would you be better served with a once-in-a-while play date?

And you know what? You can change your mind. The decisions you made for yourself four years ago were made by the person you were four years ago. Consider re-negotiating with yourself every once in a while, taking a long hard look at the new truths buried beneath the “should” comments you’ve been telling yourself. Before we can ever hope to have a healthier and more meaningful sexual existence with others, before we can deepen our romantic or relationship connections by being real and vulnerable with them, we have to learn how to do these things with ourselves!

Every person in a relationship will share this information differently. Some will sit down with a workbook and pore through all their desires in a marathon session. Others will plant one seed, step back, and see what grows from it. Some people sit down over a nice meal, others figure it out as they go, and the occasional one chooses to follow a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy when it comes to kink (something that has its own concerns attached).