Playing Well With Others (18 page)

Planning

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”
-Seneca, Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD

H
OPING TO GET LUCKY
at kink events? Whether you’re looking to score a hot playdate, make new friends, or be at the right place at the right time for that life-changing experience, you can help make luck happen by being prepared. We want to help maximize your potential for awesomeness, and be as successful at events as possible.

When I first started attending parties in the SF Bay area back in the mid-’90s, I would often be on the young end of the spectrum and frequently the only black person at the class. Most people I ran into were middle-aged, middle-class white people. It was unusual for me to see younger or browner faces. One or two times I’d see another POC (person of color) and sidle up to them, asking why I hadn’t seen them around. Frequently I’d get an answer along the lines of “Oh, I came to a few events and didn’t see any other POCs, so I figured I wasn’t welcome.” Meanwhile, the broader BDSM and leather communities were wondering what they could do about the lack of diversity. Even though I was still quite new, I was tapped by a local BDSM educational group to put together a panel discussion on “Issues for People of Color in the BDSM Community,” and I scrambled to get representation from non-white kinksters. It was controversial, and something of an unholy mess, but the turnout was shockingly . . . diverse. People who hadn’t been to events in many moons turned out. If you build it, they will come.

Make allies in advance

That’s right — allies. Not just playdates, booty-calls, hookups and beat-downs. Friendly accomplices can introduce you to people, help you navigate the event, and give you tips on how to make the experience successful for you. Allies can also morph into fantastic friends, collaborators-in-kink, partners in crime, and, yes, maybe hot dates. Of course, if you do want to network in advance for “dance partners,” feel free to peek at
Chapters 5
and
9
.

If you are concerned as you research event types that no one of “your ilk” will be there — there are some things to consider. Ask yourself whether that really matters. Can you have fun if you are the only young person, only queer person, only single person, only person of color? If yes, then don’t sweat it. If no — how can you change that? Make it so! Ask if others in your peer group are attending, as they may not have a public profile. Put a call on a SIG discussion list, announcing that you are planning to attend a particular event. See if you can rustle up your own posse! Let others know it would rock to have more human puppies, denim fetishists, kinky knitters. all at this event. They might not have signed up because, you guessed it, they thought they would be the only one of that demographic in attendance. If you act as a beacon, suddenly you have other folks responding, you move toward critical mass, and now you have quite the party!

How much planning should you do?

There are many different approaches to event attendance. Whatever style you choose, we suggest preparing in advance, plus maintaining a degree of malleability and an open mind. If you have spent hours poring over the class schedule and booked yourself for as many sessions as possible, that captivating conversation in the cafeteria may divert you from attending a couple of classes. And that can actually be pretty great. That conversation could change your life, provide you with new ideas, or initiate a friendship.

There are those who love to plan every minute of their pervy day at kink events in advance. They make “dance cards” (a running schedule of planned play-dates and encounters), use calendar applications, and confirm dates weeks or months ahead of time. On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who remember to show up, and consider that pretty darn good.

For those who fetishize advance planning, consider whether you are leaving enough open space for magical moments, scenes that go well and deserve some extra time, and random conversations to happen. For those who barely plan at all, consider whether you or others are aware of your desires, and whether having a degree of infrastructure might be helpful in facilitating the manifestation of your fantasies. There is no “right” answer to any of these, simply questions to ponder as you find your way and strike the balance that best suits you!

Budgeting

Budgeting is not just about money. The art of budgeting also includes time, resources, and energy.

The real cost of events

So, what do you need to consider when considering financial budgeting? We’re glad you asked!

• Registration/entry fees.
  Every event has a different ticketing policy. Some will allow ticket purchases at the door, while others require registration paid a month before the event opens, with no exceptions. Most events give discounts for those who register in advance. This saves attendees money and fulfills an important role in event hosting: events will often utilize the funds from early registrants to cover travel expenses for presenters, hotel bookings, and event supplies. In fact, some events may be cancelled if not enough folks have declared interest and commitment by registering early.
  

  Even for free events, RSVPs give the party or munch hosts the opportunity to know how many people they might expect and how much food/ space to reserve. When you register for events, consider researching the cancellation or ticket transfer policy if you think there is a chance you may have to bow out. Some events provide for complete refunds, but a return of a percentage of the ticket price or the potential to transfer your ticket to another attendee are far more common.
  

• Time off Work.
  Many of the larger events run Friday through Sunday, which means taking time off work Friday if you want to catch that 2:00 PM class. If you work weekends, or are attending longer events that require taking multiple days off work, budget for this, too. And that does not include time needed to travel, time to pack your bags (which, if you have nosy kids, parents or roommates at home, can be a scheduling adventure), or recovery if you catch cold or experience “Con Drop” (aka post-event blues, which we discuss in
  Chapters 10
  and
  11
  ).
  

• Baby/pet sitters.
  Have kids or pets at home? Where will they stay when you are away? Will you need to pay for babysitters, budget the time to drop them off with the grandparents, or pay for them to go away to summer camp while you are off on your erotic escapade? Some kinky people create care co-ops, with pets or childcare being rotated between a team of folks: one stays home while the other four go off for adventure, and next time someone else in the co-op stays home. Whatever choice is made, try to normalize the experience for them: the kids don’t need the graphic details. It is probably enough for them to know that their parents are going camping with friends, heading to a relationship convention, or having a date weekend. Children usually just want to know that their parents love them, and that they’re in a safe and happy home.
  

• Flight/travel.
  Travel takes money and time. Whether you fly, drive, carpool, take a bus, train, ride a bicycle, rev up your hog or walk, advance planning can smooth the journey. Plan the route in advance, arrange the details, set aside the money, and leave some extra time for safe travel, side excursions, and getting lost. This is especially true when visiting a city that is new to you. Not only will you be unfamiliar with the terrain, but you may want to stop, get touristy and snap some pictures to show the co-workers and family back home.
  

  And budget all those little incidentals. You know what we’re talking about: the baggage fees, your third energy drink, that extra tank of gas. They add up.
  

• Where Will you stay?
  Even if it is a one-night event, you might want a hotel room if you are partying until late or have a long commute. You can save money by crashing with a friend, or a fellow event attendee, but consider if there is a hidden cost — is there an expectation of time spent together, sexual encounters, or having to hear all about their last breakup?
  

  In the case of hotel rooms, what will it cost? Does that include hotel tax, city tax, and state tax? Is there an event discount you can get by being part of the convention’s room block? In the case of big hotel events, registering under the con’s block code might help the conference by accurately reflecting the number of attendees present. This is especially important if the hotel contract for the convention requires a “guarantee” — a certain number of room nights sold lest the convention pay a fee.
  

• What will you eat?
  You need to eat to play. It’s just how it works. Not budgeting for food is a recipe for disaster, as it were. Get a minimum of two full meals a day, preferably more. And we don’t mean a bag of chips or a candy bar. Real food, with real nutrition, is needed if you want to do any real play or intense thinking.
  

  Food at hotels can be expensive. If concerned about prices, consider bringing your own food, asking for a refrigerator and microwave for your room, or arranging collaborative meals with other attendees. Also, consider budgeting for the price of the keynote banquet, or a late-night run for a midnight snack after that really hot scene has your body demanding protein.
  

• What Will you drink?
  For barfly-identified kinksters, the cost of alcoholic beverages adds up. Budget in advance so that you don’t end up spending your taxi fare on more drinks and wind up making poor choices on how to get home. Even teetotaling can add up when bars charge four times market value for a soda.
  

• What will you buy?
  You walk into the vendor area and oh my god there is that amazing thing that you have been looking for ages and you must have it . . . where’s that credit card . . . ?
  

  Budget in advance for shopping. How much can you spend before it becomes more than a moderate stressor on your financial life and relationships? What system will you have in place to make decisions about purchases and avoid buyer’s remorse or overspending? Taking time to consider your shopping plans, and discussing them with friends or with partners in advance, is a useful exercise.
  

• What do you need beforehand?
  Not only do we buy stuff at events, but we buy stuff in advance. A new roller bag, 600 disposable hypodermic needles, a new pair of boots to wear to the Saturday party, cute underwear . . . it adds up. That expensive travel kit might seem like a wise investment, but will a handful of plastic baggies do the trick just as well? Keep track of what you have, and think carefully about what you actually need.
  

• What are the extras?
  Registration may only get you into the door. Sometimes, there are extras — add-ons and special events under the umbrella of that big event. Is there is an extra fee for the meal plan, specific group dinners, performances, supplies for the cane-making class, or for staying extra days? Have you set aside funds for donating to the event charity or bidding on the silent auction?
  

• What event souvenirs do you Want?
  “Swag” is a slang term for a particular event’s promotional merchandise. T-shirts, mugs, hankies, water bottles . . . often they are not included in the price of registration. Swag is a great way to remember the event, tell others that you were there, or create a collection of merchandise commemorating every event you have ever attended. Many leather community members have a large collection of “run-pins”: the pins acquired from the events they have attended, as a way of starting conversations and recording cultural history.
  

• What are your energy / stress levels?
  No matter how much we love events (and, trust us, your two authors love events), they do take energy to attend, and can at times be stressful. In some cases you may actually emerge from your “vacation” more taxed when you dove in, and need time to decompress afterward. Some folks get really amped up in the days, weeks or months leading up to an event. That can be about the emotional pressure they or their partners put on themselves in the planning, or in theorizing what might happen at an event. Remember to chill out, please. Ultimately, this is about you enjoying yourself. If you know going in that you are prone to jitters, make sure you budget for that stress. If you know you always freak out the night before leaving for an event, schedule some chill time in advance. Honor your emotional process and make room for it.
  

  People may stress over what to tell their co-workers or family, when to schedule daily check-ins with partners or kids back at home, how to manage telecommuting while at the event, what to wear at the dungeon party, and more. Some of these energy expenditures are worthwhile. Other stuff . . . not so much. Only you can decide.
  

• Where are you going?
  If you take time off work or need to arrange kid/pet sitting, folks will ask you where you are going. They are probably neither attacking you nor trying to ferret out your “dirty little secrets.” Most likely, they’re just curious, or making polite small talk. However, for those who are not “out,” this conversation can feel nerve-wracking. We recommend consistency of answers and something as true as possible.
  

  I/we are going to . . .
  

  . . . a weekend-long date.
  

  . . . a relationship/communication event.
  

  . . . a self-improvement weekend.
  

  . . . a camping trip with friends.
  

  . . . an educational event.
  

  . . . a costume party.
  

  . . . a role-playing event (you know, like Dungeons & Dragons)
  

  . . . . a theater event.
  

  . . . a religious retreat.
  

  . . . a vacation.
  

  . . . a Burning Man warmup / cooldown party.
  

  . . . a visit with family or friends.
  

  . . . a night out with the girls/guys.
  

  Remember, folks just want to connect with you and be happy for you. They probably don’t want all the lurid details (unless you know they do).