Playing Well With Others (13 page)

Exploratoriums, Samplers & Tastings

Concept:
Explore kink techniques, try out a new toy, or show someone a different type of play.

What You May See:
Different areas or theme rooms with people moving from station to station being whipped, pierced, bound, tickled, etc., often for the first time, by volunteers who are experienced with a particular toy, piece of equipment or technique. Some also include five-minute mini-classes for attendees on how to perform the activities with their partners, how to be the receptive partner to the “top,” or vendors selling supplies enabling folks to enjoy this play on their own.

What to Wear:
Jeans and t-shirts or casual street-wear with a sexy flair. Some folks will dress to the nines, but it tends to be the exception rather than the rule.

Constructive Criticism

Didn’t have a good time at the party, gathering, or event? It might be very tempting to hop on the Internet and complain about it to the world. However, that neither improves the event nor earns you friends. Consider dropping a note to the event organizers after the event with information about what you enjoyed, what possibly had room for improvement, and how you or others might be able to help make it better. Saying “it sucked” is not nearly as useful as “I wish there had been more areas downstairs to play. I have some extra play equipment; can I donate it for next time?” There may be factors for this specific event of which you might not have been aware. Remember - all events are run by people. People have feelings, and may have put a lot of energy and love into an event, regardless of your opinion of the outcome.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Try something new.
  Just because you try it does not mean you will have to do it ever again. In fact, learning what you do not like is just as important as learning what you enjoy. but no one is making you try things that make you uncomfortable. You want to try out an activity as the top/active partner? Ask if there is anyone interested in being your “demo bottom.”
  

• Ask questions.
  This is a great time to pick the brains of folks when they are not in a play-based environment.
  

• Speak up.
  If you want to experience what that paddle feels like on your thigh rather than your ass, ask! Perhaps you would prefer your partner at your side holding your hand while you get spanked for the first time? Just let the person running the station know.
  

• One-time use gear
  (e.g. piercing needles, saran wrap) can be expensive when folks are doing them for lots of people. Offering to help pay for those expenses if you want to do a lot of stuff is a great way to show someone you value what they are donating to the community.
  

• Please Note:
  This is not a play party. Volunteers are offering to do mini-scenes or techniques with you as a form of community service, not to form a relationship with you. Three to ten minutes tends to be average per station. If you are having a great time, you may, politely, inquire about making a date, but do not take it personally if they decline — it is likely not about you.
  

  Think twice before getting naked. It can be very exciting to try out new stuff and some folks get really excited — but consider where the exploratorium is taking place. If it is happening in a rented hall or at a street fair, ask first if it is acceptable to undress.
  

  Shower in advance. Especially if you are going to be getting into body bags or being restrained with tools to be used by others afterwards, leaving your body odor, makeup, perfume or lotions/oils on equipment is rude.
  

  Every exploratorium will have different stations based on demand and who stepped up to volunteer at the event. If you wish your fetish had been represented, consider volunteering at the next one by dropping a note to the organizers in advance. Some exploratoriums will have 101-level stations, while others will have more advanced techniques and tools available. If you are uncomfortable with what you are witnessing, make sure to take care of yourself by walking away from that station.
  

Local Classes & Education

Concept:
Kinky Sex Ed for adults.

What You May See:
People sitting around in a circle talking about their kinks or their relationships, a panel discussion on a kink-related topic, someone demonstrating a type of BDSM play in front of the room while others observe and take notes, or a room full of folks practicing that new bondage technique they just learned.

What to Wear:
Jeans and t-shirts or casual street-wear with a sexy flair. It isn’t necessary or expected that attendees will dress to the nines, unless the class is about specific clothing fetishes. The exception may be classes held at a local dungeon or sex club, and even there casual (or black) is usually fine.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Come ready to learn! Bring a notebook and pen, a bottle of water, a good attitude, and an open mind to take what you can from the educational opportunity. The chairs may not be comfortable, so bring a pillow if concerned. If it says to bring supplies, bring those supplies to be able to best follow along and learn — but if you don’t own the supplies, email in advance and see if there is extra stuff to borrow.
  

• Consider going to classes
  that fascinate you, but also classes and topics that baffle you or turn you off. Sometimes learning about a topic can help us dispel myths, grow as individuals, empathize with our partner’s journey, or create connections with new people even if we are not into a topic. And if you
  are
  into a topic? What a great way to flirt with someone who shares your interest!
  

• Use the bathroom
  and turn off your cell phone or media devices before class starts. It’s hard to pay attention when you need to pee, and answering calls or having side conversations in class is bad manners.
  

• Ask questions
  and dive deeper. If you are intrigued by a topic, do inquire with regard to additional resources on where to go further with the material. The presenter might have a handout or a favorite website, or be able to turn you on to a local connection.
  

• Please Note:
  Find out who can attend and what it takes to attend. Do you have to be a club member, or is the class open to the public? (If the class is open to the public at a sex club, this is an excellent time to check out the space.) Is the class free, on a sliding scale, are tickets needed in advance, is it pay at the door, or are donations requested? Don’t show up at the door and be frustrated when turned away for a sold-out or pre-registration-required class.
  

If the class listing stipulates “no late entry,” they mean it. If you do show up late and are permitted entry, enter quietly, close the door quietly behind you, sit near the back, don’t disrupt the class with questions that may have already been answered, and remember you can ask questions after class.

Give credit where credit is due. If you learn a technique from a specific mentor, presenter or friend, give them props for their hard work. Pretending to have invented a technique you did not invent is uncool, and diminishes your credibility.

There are many, many different types of classes out there nowadays! They are held at sex-positive adult-themed shops (many of which offer discounts if you shop that night), dungeons and play spaces, sex clubs, universities and colleges, private homes, back rooms at restaurants, theater spaces, and rented halls. They are organized by local groups and clubs, visiting teachers, community members, or play party hosts as a way to entertain and educate before a party.

Classes vary in length from thirty minutes to four hours or more (see
Intensive Education
below for longer educational formats), and can be lectures, sharing of life stories, conversations, small group discussions, hands-on learning opportunities, moderated panels, PowerPoint presentations, demonstrations of technique, samplings of ideas, improvisational theater, stage shows . . . you get the idea. Some educators are locals who are stepping up for free to share a few ideas with folks who requested it, whole others are professional educators who present internationally on a variety of topics whose books you can purchase and have signed after class. Even someone teaching their very first class might well have something useful to pass on to you.

Not every class, teacher, or format will appeal to everyone. Try a different style of educational opportunity or instructor if that one didn’t work for you. but understand that you simply may not be into every topic. In fact, if you feel the need to leave halfway through the class, take care of yourself . . . but if it was because you found yourself offended, consider staying to the end, as you might learn important points, or come to understand at least why the participants do what they do.

Public Dungeons, SM Clubs and Play Spaces

Concept:
A venue where kinky people can do kinky things with other kinky people, available to anyone who pays to come through the door, or with work required for a basic membership.

What You May See:
A variety of BDSM equipment (such as spanking benches, bondage beds and St. Andrews Crosses) in a space often painted black (or the occasional Japanese, medieval or medical theme room), low lighting, and people spanking, flogging or binding their play partners.

What to Wear:
Some venues are very casual, with jeans and kink-themed t-shirts considered acceptable, but even in casual spaces tennis shoes or flip-flops are usually frowned upon. Some spaces expect patrons to dress in the highest fetish finery. Most are somewhere in the middle, with a variety of corsets, kilts, latex, business casual, lingerie and leather pants visible. When in doubt, wear black.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Read
  the venue’s rules and guidelines in advance. Knowing what the rules are helps keep you from accidentally ruffling feathers. Find out if they allow sex on premises, whether this is the right place for someone into your specific kinks to feel welcome, and if they have a bag check where you can leave your toybag when not playing. Most clubs have a list of Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) and rules available on their website or as you enter the club.
  

• Check out the orientation night!
  Most public play s paces and dungeons have class nights, open houses, and orientation nights where you can check out the space, see if they have gear to borrow, hear about the rules, get a feel for the culture of the space, have a free tour, and then decide if you want to join.
  

• Network in advance.
  Many clubs have online discussion groups — post that you will be visiting and see who else might be going. If you have specific interests, consider letting others who share your interests know so that you might have an Invasion. Networking in advance also helps you learn about theme nights, as often clubs will have specific nights for sub-populations or special interests (e.g. gang-bang night, latex fetish night, foot worship night).
  

• Get to know people.
  Make friends in the social area, talk with folks about their experience at the club, and consider coming back a different night too. Some places may take time to warm up to new people, and other times you can talk to locals who might play matchmaker with potential playmates or mentors who share your interests.
  

• Please Note:
  This is not a brothel or house of professional domination. Offering to pay people to play is often a good way to be banned from the club, or to put the space at risk. Paying that entry fee does not guarantee that you will find someone to play with or get laid. It promises you a place to play, a place to meet folks, maybe some snacks and beverages, and little more.
  

  Read what you are signing before you sign. Most public clubs require liability waivers and hold-harmless waivers, and may ask you to pay serious fines if you break one of their rules. Don’t sign anything if you are not comfortable with it, or ask if you can opt out of clauses (they may say no, but hey, no harm in asking).
  

  Don’t hog the equipment. If they only have one sling, no matter how much of a fist-pig you are, it is considered bad manners to take it over for more than an hour, especially if folks are waiting to use it.
  

  Your price for entry may vary. Though some clubs are truly one-price-for-all, many clubs have different rates for people of different genders, singles vs. couples, local celebrities, or people dressing to the nines. If you can’t afford the price, ask about volunteering at or for the club in exchange for a volunteer discount.