Playing Well With Others (5 page)

Working in the community

There are those for whom the kink community is also a career. Professional dominants and submissives (aka dominatrixes, pro-doms, pro-dommes or pro-subs), event producers, promoters, makers of kink gear and furniture, sex shop owners, fetish models, adult film actors, sexuality educators, pho-tographers/videographers, website designers, bar owners, tantrikas, dakas and dakinis (aka sacred sex guides), caterers, clothing designers, DJs, performance artists, body modification professionals, escorts, authors and publishers are but some of the careers that have manifested within the kink population.

There are also “classical professionals,” who choose to specialize in catering to the needs of our community, or will speak on behalf of our community in professional contexts. People who are massage or physical therapists, psychiatric professionals, kink-friendly doctors, activists, lawyers, university academics, and medical researchers can be powerful voices in advocating for our communities.

Titleholding

An outgrowth of contests held in leather bars to entice hot leathermen to admire the physiques and attire of other hot leathermen, title contests have expanded into the wider kink communities. Like beauty pageants with attitude, title competitions in the kink community range from folks dressing up (or down) for fun, to people who fiercely compete against many dozens of competitors for a coveted national or international sash, leathers, or patch.

Some competitors are truly moved to represent their community as a form of visibility and activism. Others are just excited by getting sexy on stage and raising funds as well as temperatures. Leathermen, leatherwomen, leather transfolk, bootblacks, age players, human ponies, and many other varieties of title holders may well become a voice for the local, national or international kink community, host fundraisers for charity, and perform other forms of outreach and community service. For some people, their leather title becomes a cornerstone of their sexual and emotional identity for the rest of their lives; for others, it was a fun thing they did and look back on fondly.

Should you run? Having held titles ourselves, we encourage those considering running to be rigorously honest with themselves about their motives. Altruistic ideals are great, and it’s also actually fine to run because you feel like it will improve your standing in the community, or because you’re curious about the titleholder system. Once you know your answer, make sure to ask a few questions about the title and competition:

• What is the nature of the title?
  Research the history of the event, talk to event producers, check their website or material, find out if it is a political title or beauty parade . . . and if in doubt, ask someone who has held the title themselves!
  

• Who is eligible?
  Are there any gender, sexual orientation or age restrictions on the title?
  

• What are the commitments and responsibilities of the winner?
  Will there be specific events at which you will be required to “represent” your title? By winning, are you committing to compete at the next event in the chain? Who pays for all that travel? Do winners have to run fundraisers or produce events?
  

Making the scene your home

For folks who consider the community their home, it is where they create chosen families of all shapes and sizes, construct tribes of the heart, and in other ways invest emotionally. Kink, or their corner of the kink world, is where they are free to be themselves, express their personal truth, and be who they know themselves to be. It might be a hierarchical leather household, or it might be a loose-knit far-flung family with complex relationships and challenges, but it is family. Kink is their world, and they embrace it wholeheartedly.

And then of course, there is you, in your special unique you-ness. Remember, these categories are simply keys to thinking about how invested you want to be. Consider what best suits you . . . today. You will change and grow, and the community can change and grow with you. Listen attentively to your gut as you explore, surging forward and holding back as you feel is best. Your journey will be different than ours, and that difference is part of what makes being in this community so rich and fulfilling.

Take what you need, and leave the rest!

Chapter 2.

Does This Flogger Make My Ass Look Fat?: Kink Etiquette, Kink Culture

W
HEN WE ASKED
seventy kinksters “What do you wish you had known before
WW
going to your first kink event?” the most common response was that they wished they’d had more information on community etiquette, on how not to step on people’s toes. Through dispelling myths, and creating some basic guidelines, we hope to encourage an atmosphere of civility throughout the kink communities. Think of it as Miss Manners . . . for perverts.

A Gathering of Tribes vs. a Monolithic “Community”

We use the word “community” loosely. Many kinky folks eschew that word entirely, being the rogue lone wolves that they are. For the purposes of our discussion, we use “community” as a handy way to discuss people who choose to identify as kinky, and/or to incorporate kink into their social, sexual, emotional and physical lives. This “community” is actually a somewhat anarchic confederation of many city-states, realms, fiefdoms, tribes, factions, unions, guilds, associations and travelers. A sampling of the many, many loose-knit groups that may be included under the umbrella of the “kink community” includes folks who are attracted to:

Hey, Pervert.

. . . a note on the use of the term “pervert.” Yeah, it has some pretty shady connotations. But like other culturally difficult terms, like “faggot” and “dyke,” many kinky folks have taken this previously purely disparaging term, embraced it, and made it our own. When we refer to ourselves and others as perverts, it certainly is not with a shameful criminal connotation. We defy many of the so-called norms of broader society in favor of finding our own bliss in consensual acts of, well, perversion.

. . . and much much more! In fact, there are kinky people who don’t do any of these things, but instead consider kinkiness their identity, something that transcends activities and desires.

You will find that different etiquettes and protocols apply throughout the different offshoots and sub-sections of these communities. The specific rules for a swinger gathering may look dramatically different from a leather bar, a bathhouse, a fetish gathering, or an educational weekend.

Don’t freak out. It will be OK! And when in doubt, a polite question will often carry the day.

Dispelling a Few Myths

Most folks have a few ideas about “those kinky folks” based on a narrow glimpse into the kink world. There’s a vague notion of “dungeons and pain and whips and chains” (oh my!) when thinking of our communities. You have undoubtedly encountered myths about the kink community that may have stuck with you. Most of them are not true, but they may have a kernel of truth within them.

Let’s take a look at a few of some common myths that swirl around concerning the kink community, see how they might have evolved, and dispel some of the mystery.

Myth #1: “Everyone has sex with everyone else.”

BZZT!

The kink community does attract a high percentage of people who identify as “sex-positive”: people who openly acknowledge, discuss and celebrate sexuality in its many and varied forms. And this is awesome. However, our communities include relatively few omnivorous, prowling sex sharks on a never-ending quest for fresh meat. Some folks are asexually kinky, separating their kink from explicit sexual congress. Others are monogamous, partnering and playing only with their lover, husband, wife, or partner. Some are involved in closed polyamorous groups, only doing kink activity with those in their circle. Some are serially monogamous, or only play within a small group of lovers and friends. Some have open, far-flung networks of play-partners, lovers, fuckbuddies, and more, with whom they form various degrees of intimacy. And of course, there are the prowling omnivorous sex sharks. You, and only you, get to choose who you engage with and to what degree.

Myth #2: “Kinky parties are one big orgy and erotic free-for-all.”

NO DICE.

Some parties are organized around the idea of free sex and free love, often with strict codes of safer sex behavior. Others explicitly forbid sexual intercourse. The rules will vary according to the needs and desires of the people hosting the party, the laws in the area where the party is being held, and the style of event. Some people have no desire to combine explicit sexual contact and kink, some people use kinky play as foreplay, and still others just want to gaze upon the wonders of the perverted playground before them. Reading the descriptions, rules and guidelines for an event before you buy that ticket or get gussied up and head down to that play space will help you know what you’re signing up for and make sure your expectations meet what’s on offer.

Myth #3: “If you are into kinky sex, you are into all forms of kinky sex.”

TO QUOTE THE MAGIC 8-BALL, “MY SOURCES SAY ‘NO’.”

You may well have a very specific kinky fantasy, and zero interest in anything else. Fantastic. Get your highly focused freak on. Being a part of the community doesn’t mean you must embark on a race to earn erotic merit badges; it is about you exploring your desires and fantasies. Some people find that their desires expand as they explore, and others, who thought they wanted to perform every kink under the sun, find themselves narrowing their focus as time goes on.

Engaging in baroque and highly technical scenes right out of the gate is OK — if that is what you want to do, and if you know what you’re doing. Go earn those badges! Taking things at your own pace and in your own time, though, is always a good bet.

Some people enjoy what is sometimes referred to as “edge play”: scenes that push the “edge” of comfort for the people involved or the kink community at large. However, the funny thing about “edgy” stuff is that everyone has their own edge. You might walk into a party and see someone playing in a way that draws blood; for some people, that’s quite edgy. Right next to that scene, though, you might see a scene involving someone being required to sing
I’m A Little Teapot
to a group of laughing bystanders. Which is the edgier scene? For a painfully shy person, the latter might be incredibly difficult, while the former is no big deal. Take your cues from your own comfort level; the only real “edge” is yours and your partner’s.

Myth #4: “Dungeons are gross and scary.”

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR-! ER, WELL, ACTUALLY . . .

OK, all right, yes. Some dungeons are gross and scary and . . . dungeon-esque. And do you know why? Because some perverts enjoy the down-’n’-dirty, hot and taboo energy they experience in such a space.

I met a guy who, upon eagerly arriving at a dungeon, seemed to become more and more deflated as he took in what was happening around him. When I asked him what was up, he said he was really disappointed. The dungeon wasn’t very . . . dungeony. It was clean, and comfortable. Apparently, his perception of the scene was that he would, upon arriving at the venue, find himself beset by erotic ninjas who would overpower him and “force” him to play with everyone. While you can probably find events where one can prenegotiate to be abducted by sexy ninjas, such activities will require a lot of advance legwork.